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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:It started with Adam and Chloe at the stables i told you about. They had just come from the hayloft. Chloe was flushed with straw in her hair. It was a beautiful day, the warm sun in azure blue skies, the breeze wafting a jasmine scent across the yard and making hay spiral round in the dizzy gladness of day. They walked to the horses, Chloe often looked back at Adam coyly, with a litlle smirk on her face.



They saddled up Cengie and Inferno and led them away from the stables. As Chloe mounted, her black skirt rode up, flashing her firm, golden tanned thighs. They headed off along the trail path, Inferno braying softly. They rode through wooded copse, sun and shadow playing accross Chloe's face. As they trotted along, Chloe's supple breasts bobbed gently through the material.



As they both entered a clearing, they glanced at each other and began to drive the horses as fast as they could, trying to be the first to reach the stream ahead. The horses were breathing heavily, but were eager to run hard. Both were head to heaad, spurring them on, as they raced, Chloes top and skirt clung to her beautiful body. There was no parting Adam and Chloe as they entered the stream, equal in the race. They dismounted and let the horses quench their thirst as sweat steamed off their sculpted forms. Adam and Chloe rest, laying in each others embrace, sheilding from the sun under a willow tree, as cabbage whites and monarch butterflies basque in the sun and the horses graze and play, rearing and bucking, showing their wilder, playful sides.



They kiss and carres, enjoying the feel of each others bodies, the willow hangs low as if to shield them from their passion being revealed. They undress and lay down in the grass, so cool and refreshing, their entwined bodies are stroked by the breeze like invisible fingers fondling their bodies. They lay for what seems like an eternity just exploring and kissing each other.



Suddenly the willow leaves part as Cengie and Inferno peer through the branches. There is a strong odour, like wet concrete, it riles senses. Adam and Chloe get dressed and leave the shelter of the tree. Thunder peels out, rolling across the sky, like horses in stampeed, hooves striking heavy blows, scaring Inferno, who bolts into the woods.



The young couple mount Cengie and give chase as the sky erupts with rain. Lightening and thunder rage as they rush, headlong, into the trees, ducking and dodging branches, the forest flying by as a blur of green. Inferno just ahead, rain lashing at the pair until their clothes cling tightly to their bodies.



They break from the trees, gaining on Inferno, Cengies torso pulsating and contracting beneath them. Finally they pull along side her. Chloe reaches and grasps Infernos bridal as Adam turns Cengie into her to calm her run. As she calms, Chloe crosses from Adams horse to Inferno. The storm is growing so intense through the trees and the driving rain. They can just make out a rooftop.



They race as fast as they can, darting ever closer to sanctuary. Again they break tree cover, and stare at the miraculous sight before them....................


ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

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KittyKill


KittyKill

enthusiast
Location: Ontario

Total posts: 365
Posted:I want to know what they saw.....*ganwk* Please??

Have you ever notice that poi is spelled backwords on the key board.............................................creepycool

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:hmmm.................how much do you want to know?!

ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

mjk is monitoring your interwebs!

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:Infront of the couple and the horses stands an imposing carriage house. They head through the coach arch into a court yard lined either side with stables. They head for one nearest to the large, oak studded door at the far end.



They dismount and lead the horses into the stable. Adam takes blankets and food from the saddle bags and feeds and covers the horses. They head for the oak door, he twists the handle. With a screech and effort the door creaks open just enough to slip inside, they enter into a vast hallway. The lightening lights up the hall in strobeascope movements. They search for a light switch, but to no avail. They find a candelabra with candles still adorning it. Adam takes his lighter and lights them.



As the light from the candles illuminates with a soft, warm glow, they look around the hall. Oak panelled walls surround them, with a grand staircase to the right of them. They head for a door to their left, calling out to see if anyone is here apart from them, but it is clear that this house has been empty for years, like something out of a gothic horror novel, like Dracula. Cobwebs hang like dusty, grey reminders of life, from windows and stalls. They scan the room, but find nothing of use, just dust and cold stone.



Chloe holds Adams hand as they head for another door, which is just visible through the gloom, next to a large ornate fire place. Adam tries the door, but no effort will move it. They head upstairs, hugging the walls like scared children. They walk along the landing. Four doors greet them. They go from room to room, finding nothing but cold, empty space and broken furniture, left shattered like the memories this house holds. Until they reach the last room. The storm is still a cacophony of noise.



They both try the handle, but to no avail, then notice a key in the lock. With cold, wet, trembling hands, they turn the key and the door swings open with ease. Adam holds up the candles to see the inside before entering. Large shapeless masses emerge from the room......


ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

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Sym
BRONZE Member since Sep 2004

Sym

Geek-enviro-hippy priest
Location: Diss, Norfolk, United Kingdom

Total posts: 1858
Posted:Is your return key broken? I can't read that until it's formatted well.

Sorry.


There's too many home fires burning and not enough trees

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KittyKill


KittyKill

enthusiast
Location: Ontario

Total posts: 365
Posted:you are a very good story teller you know that

Have you ever notice that poi is spelled backwords on the key board.............................................creepycool

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:did you read the edited version or the unedited?

ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

mjk is monitoring your interwebs!

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KittyKill


KittyKill

enthusiast
Location: Ontario

Total posts: 365
Posted:Just what I see here if there is another version I don't see it...
sorry frown redface


Have you ever notice that poi is spelled backwords on the key board.............................................creepycool

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:no, i was just wondering because i added a bit more to the second part, i wasnt sure if you read it or not biggrin

ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

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Bek66


Bek66

Future Mrs Pogo
Location: The wrong place

Total posts: 4728
Posted:And you are how old, dear?

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire...it extinguishes the small, enkindles the great."
--Comte Debussy-Rebutin

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 4525
Posted:you should send your finished story to Mills and Boon!

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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Sym
BRONZE Member since Sep 2004

Sym

Geek-enviro-hippy priest
Location: Diss, Norfolk, United Kingdom

Total posts: 1858
Posted: Written by: xXemogalXx


did you read the edited version or the unedited?



I like it! I'm not sure if I'd read a whole book like that unless someone told me I have to - but then I only really read science books!

I think it's good enough to send to a publisher, or if you wait a few days I'll PM you with a link to a web site I'm just about to finish that helps unpublished writers find publishers!

Thanks for formatting it - I just couldn't read it before.

smile


There's too many home fires burning and not enough trees

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:fyrespirit, im 15 hun, y?

jo, your not the first person who has said something like that! lolsign

sym, im not really sure its good enough to send to a publisher! but i may try it, yea, id like it if you pm me the link biggrin thanks


ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

mjk is monitoring your interwebs!

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Bek66


Bek66

Future Mrs Pogo
Location: The wrong place

Total posts: 4728
Posted:Sorry, darlin,' I didn't mean to get your hackles up.

I'm 40, BTW, and I guess, as a mother, it just kind of gave me the terrors to see a 15 yr old girl writing with such adult content. I guess it could be worse. At least it's not x-rated.

Otherwise, your writing is pretty good, you just need a little work on grammar and structure.

You said be honest, right?

heart


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire...it extinguishes the small, enkindles the great."
--Comte Debussy-Rebutin

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RaveRepresent
SILVER Member since May 2006

RaveRepresent

addict
Location: , USA

Total posts: 567
Posted:Hey hey!

I like this story, although your grammar ditto needed a tad more quality.

No worries though! I enjoyed this piece of work. I, myself, am quite a writer, I may not post on sites much, because much of my writings are truly personal and I doubt HoP'ers would enjoy reading them

I am 13, so I guess I'm not the greatest guy to give advice. Yet, I do know my fair share of grammar, punctuation and things of the sort.

I find your words very spruce and neat. I like your story, as it flows sort of smoothly. Your adjectives seem to be of good quality.

"It was a beautiful day, the warm sun in azure blue skies" I really admired this sentence. Very opening to the mind and can easily bring back memories. Its amazing how words can strike such a vital note that can open up a whole new set of words.

I read this about 3 times, I had noticed a very small amount of words or sentences that can be enchanced and stretched out.

As for Fyrespirit's comment on how the adult content was managed... Well, my beliefs are as stands: Fyrespirit, as much as I would like to agree with you, I cannot. If you were to see the naked body in a piece of artwork, it's the structure that describes the feeling. I do understand that such passion and love can overwhelm, even strike a tone not wanted, but I'm guessing that the event happen only to describe their love for one another. Writing is very simular to art, they are both used to describe and talk about one's feelings. They can even imply such a subject to the reader/viewer that the author/artist didnt even mean to pursue. It all comes down to your point of view on love. My immediate beliefs is that xXemogalXx had not any intentions to describe the scene as an adult content, but as a signal of true love. A passion the burns through the heart, leaving nothing but them two.

I respect you for your piece of work, I did, very much, enjoy the read.

My advice to you is keep up your work, explore the english language, as there are many words to combine and careen into eachother brilliantly. Make sure you give detail to imminent challenges by swerving the detail from one content, to another, as if it were to evanesce from one idea to another. Try not to loll your ideas and play around too much with your statements.

Take care, keep your practice coming! I'll be reading up on your upcoming stories wink


"I don't know what you are talking about"

"Cardinal!!! Poke her... with the SOFT CUSIONS!!!!"

"Its not working my lord!"

"Have you got all of the stuffing on one end?!"

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Bek66


Bek66

Future Mrs Pogo
Location: The wrong place

Total posts: 4728
Posted:Both of you give yourselves about another 15 years and you might understand my viewpoint.

There are many ways to express the complexities and joys of true love. I see your point in the passage that was written but still stand by my belief that it's a bit much coming from someone who has no idea of what true love is about.
No harm meant, I had no clue either at your age.
I thought I did. I was terribly wrong.

Be that as it may, I think your writing has lots of promise.


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire...it extinguishes the small, enkindles the great."
--Comte Debussy-Rebutin

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 4525
Posted: Written by: fyrespirit


it's a bit much coming from someone who has no idea of what true love is about.




Oooh, when I was 15, if someone had said that to me, I'd be very angry!!! I was much in love at 15, and I don't think you're giving this girl much credit.

I am 25 now, and I have so much experience and wisdom that comes with time, but still i have no doubt that at the age of 15, I knew what love was.


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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UnclassifiedLeggyGirl
BRONZE Member since Aug 2006

UnclassifiedLeggyGirl

One day penguins will take over the world
Location: Derby, United Kingdom

Total posts: 916
Posted:i appreciate all of your views.

fyrespirit, thanks for telling me what you honestly think, i understand your views and appreciate them, i tried to keep it to a reasonable standard of content. i am very bad at grammar, so will probably need some help! lolsign the reason i posted it on here was for you all to tell me what you think so that i can improve it.

raverepresent, thanks a lot for your opinion. can you let me know what you think should be improved on (except grammar etc. ) please? thanks x

jo, im not mad at fyrespirit, she is only speaking her mind which i cannot fault her for. i do not know what love is, i will admit that, but i do know what i have felt personally. im not sure whether it was/is love, but i based this around the feelings i have for someone right now, so whether it is love or not is irrelevent to me, because im expressing it as how i feel personally, if that comes across as love then so be it.


ummmm...........anybody have any suggestions as to what i can put here?!

mjk is monitoring your interwebs!

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The Tea Fairy
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...

Total posts: 853
Posted:I think it's pretty good for what it is... I don't think my opinion should count for much though, it's not the kind of thing I'd normally read. Mills and Boon definitely springs to mind! ubblol Glad someone else thought that too!

You should definitely keep writing, practice makes perfect! I used to write all kinds of stories when I was at school, mainly about depressing stuff but my friends liked reading them. When I stopped writing for a few months I lost my creativity though (I can still write a darn good essay on an academic subject in an interesting and creative way, just not stories any more - I get frustrated if I don't know where they're going!).

You should definitely just keep writing every day, even if you think it's rubbish at the time. The more you write and experiment with words, how to phrase things e.t.c. the better you'll get.

One good exercise is to see how many different sentences you can put together to give someone the same message, but in different ways that create different moods and atmospheres.

Good luck with it hug


Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

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Bek66


Bek66

Future Mrs Pogo
Location: The wrong place

Total posts: 4728
Posted:The emotions of youth are extremely intense. When you get older you tend to be able to identify more accurately
what these feelings actually are. With age comes wisdom and all that good s***, ya' know?

Yes, do continue writing. Get more refined then get in touch.
The pastor of my church (pagan church) is a romance novel writer and I'm sure could give some very valuable info.

Lovely day!


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire...it extinguishes the small, enkindles the great."
--Comte Debussy-Rebutin

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RaveRepresent
SILVER Member since May 2006

RaveRepresent

addict
Location: , USA

Total posts: 567
Posted:Alright, excuse some of my roughness into the point of views. Fyrespirit, yes, I completely understand your view. In order to put yourself in a position to have a debate/verbal conversation (on a slighter more arguemental tone) , the key is to understand what the words are coming from. You must comprehend how the other thinks, where they are coming from.



I do respect your opinion, but why is it that you think a fifteen year old individual cant understand the bond of love?



I mean, yes, she may have not been in love, but what about god and monsters and ghosts, these are people/creatures that are made up, but still written about. Theres documentaries, theres books, magazines in relation to things we do not know. She may not understand true love (xXemogalXx, Please note that I am not, in any way, shape, or form, implying that you do not know what true love is) but you see, she may be writing her point of view, or an idea of how true love may be shown.



I am playing Devil's Advocate here. I wish not to take sides, or hardly provoke any confrintations.



Its quite odd that you think a child cannot experience true love. For the childs point of view, true love may be pursued as normal love, because the child may not have been in love before. I am in love at the moment. Ever since I saw her two years ago, my heart broke. I had to face a problem, if I would show her love beyond what she has ever thought, or if I could let her decide who she loves. All that mattered to me was and is her happiness. If she wanted to be with someone else, that still wouldve made me happy, just to know that she is doing good in life and that she has someone to support her. You know how long that decision took for me to act? Two years and 3 months. I was convinced that she was the only love I could ever find. My parents, family, even friends have not shown me love. They have shown me support through the act of giving me a home, someone to talk to and someone to ask for help with, but that wasnt enough. The cons outweigh the pros. It was when I saw her that i felt complete. I acted on my final decision about 4 months ago. It turns out she loves me too, and that she has felt the same way. Currently, I believe that this experience is too good to be true, a dream. Luckily, I wake up each morning inspired through the sound of her voice in my mind and the thought of her glory in my heart.



I could talk about her for ages, but I wish not to disrupt anymore, as i am swerving quite off topic. I might just start a thread with my love stories... Meh, we'll see about that later.



Furthermore, I understand what you mean Fyrespirit smile No worries smile



xXemogalXx, I will try my best to send you my opinions and thoughts of improvements via private message.. Unfortunatly, I am stacked with school, so much work...



Take care all! :hugs:


"I don't know what you are talking about"

"Cardinal!!! Poke her... with the SOFT CUSIONS!!!!"

"Its not working my lord!"

"Have you got all of the stuffing on one end?!"

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Bek66


Bek66

Future Mrs Pogo
Location: The wrong place

Total posts: 4728
Posted:Of course. I see your point. There are many different forms of love. We actually learn the bond of love from the first breath we take and believe me that there IS no stronger love than that of a mother for their child. I have seen exceptions but would not call these women worthy of being termed human, much less a true mother. Be that as it may, I was referring to romantic love which is a phenomenon in and of itself.

Life is the teacher, love is the lesson.

Rave, heartbreak is a harsh teacher, but noone ever said that if you were going to live that you would not suffer. That IS life. It's what builds our character.


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire...it extinguishes the small, enkindles the great."
--Comte Debussy-Rebutin

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia

Total posts: 3415
Posted:As others pick up grammar points, i'm a spelling hound, and can be a bit of a tense monster as well. smile

I'm not certain if there's slightly different spellings on some words between australia and over where you are, but there's a couple i've seen that don't look right:
(second paragraph): "They saddled up Cengie and Inferno and lead them away from the stables. As Chloe mounted, her black skirt rode up, flashing her firm, golden tanned thighs. They head off along the trail path, Inferno braying softly. They rode through wooded copse, sun and shadow playing accross Chloes face. As they trotted along, Chloes supple breasts bobbed gently through the material."
Going by the rest of the story, being in past tense, i'm thinking that first one should be led. Also, saying they head off switches to present tense, then in the next sentence switches back to past tense again.
accross should only have one 'c' in it, and i think there should be an apostrophe in Chloe's name up there. something about possessive pronouns or some such.

One thing i'm often preaching, but, alas, seldom practicing, is to read what you've written backwards, whether paragraph by paragraph, or right from the end. Because you're not reading whole sentences, your brain doesn't tend to fill in the gaps as much. Similar deal to that email that floats around now and then, with all the letters switched around. Your brain (to an extent) reads what it expects to read, and glosses over minor errors.

Other than the spelling and grammar, though, it's a beautiful piece of work, and i look forward to seeing more smile


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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