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Forums > Social Chat > What to do I really dont know

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babajaga
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

babajaga

old hand
Location: Berlin, Germany

Total posts: 863
Posted:I just had a call with my mother again and every time I call her it is just smashing me down.
Since march we know she has cancer, first shock, later it came out that she has metastases and it doesn't seem like it is curable she feels worse and worse every time I see and call her, she barely can get up right now. Sometimes I dont dare to call her cos it hurts so much and I postpone it a bit but I know that is not a solution. Today she blamed me that I wouldn't care about her, that is not true I do my best to care for her and for my own life.
But I can't hear then she is telling me she wants help for dying (kind of pill she wants to have) and she is blaming me that I wouldnt understand her. I don't know I bear the whole issue for so long now and have one more time the feeling that I am at the end of my strenght I am sad but also numb and guilty and helpless, I hate that feeling and dont know how to handle it. If I knew how to help her more than I do I would do it but I dont know.

I never really talked about what I feel to hide it before myself to deny things I know that is not the way, I have to bear the grief.
thanks for listening


What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

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This_Energy
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

This_Energy

member
Location: ridgefield, ct, USA

Total posts: 173
Posted:hug sorry dude. that really sucks. dont give up hope. never give in.

I start it, I end it,
I kill and words will defend it.
Got big plans,
blood stained hands
Wanna put my name on the map.
On my way to save the world.
-Missionary, Operation Ivy

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:oh darling, I'm sorry. I know this is so tough for you. of course it would be for anyone, but your mom doesn't make it any easier. All we can do in a situation like this is take as a duty upon ourselves to persevere through things like this till they are over.



And if she wants to die, I cannot say I blame her given her situation. It is a brave decision on her part, and I think she not only wants to end her suffereing, but that of those she loves too. How horrible it must be to know that you are making everyone you love sad because of something you no longer can prevent. I would want to choose death on my own terms in that time as well.



I know this hurts to hear, but maybe you should think about what you can do to help her save her dignity. If ever there was an act of love and caring, that would be it. And even though I suspect her mood is poor enough now that she would not say what you want to hear, at least you would know what did was totally unselfish (because I know what you want is for her to live as long as possible) and never have to doubt your love for her again.



I'm not telling you to get a pill for her to kill herself with, but I am asking you to seriously consider her wish to die and see if you have it in you to support her in that decision. You may think she is being over dramatic and defeatist as usual, but it may be that it is also not an unreasonable idea.



hug


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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babajaga
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

babajaga

old hand
Location: Berlin, Germany

Total posts: 863
Posted:just the first moment after the talk I do understand her and maybe I help her in this point I just needed to let it out of me and stop denying things

What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:we will talk tonight. I think I will not go to work tomorrow, so we will have time after the movie if you like - or we can even skip the movie.

-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX, USA

Total posts: 2014
Posted:I agree with Vanize...

I know here in the states that have a place called Hope Hospice. It is for individuals who essentially have no hope left, are in serious pain, and just want to die peacefully. Do they have such a place in Germany? Maybe you could look into it for your mother. I know my grandfather was moved into it after being in the hospital for about a month because of a serious fall he had, his diabetes, and getting gangreene (sp?) in his feet. He was in constant pain, and there was nothing more a hospital could do for him. So, my grandmother moved him in to the local Hope Hospice where he could be on an almost constant morphine drip and got to die peacefully with those he loved around him.

hug It's not an easy thing to have to go through.


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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Its hard to find positives at a time like this. When your world seems to be falling apart piece by piece. I cant offer you words of wisdom but I will offer you hugs
hug hug hug hug hug hug we need a sad crying hug.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug I have no words of advice. I have no answers. I just have hug hug Not much help I know. But remember there are people thinking of you and your mum and that we are here to listen.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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babajaga
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

babajaga

old hand
Location: Berlin, Germany

Total posts: 863
Posted:you all have a big place in my heart thanks

hug hug hug hug

I start to collect my brother and my sister together so that we can make a plan who is when at my mothers and who is doing what there so that she doesnt have the feeling we dont care about her.
Then we share things as a family everybody will feel better and organized nobody can postpone things so easily (we all are kind of denying types) or say he or she should be there to.
We all love her and together it is maybe a bit easierfor all of us.


What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX, USA

Total posts: 2014
Posted:I think it is a very good idea to get the rest of your siblings involved in helping out your mother. The burdens (both emotional and physical) should not be yours to bear alone.

I was also serious about looking into some sort of hospice care for her. Your siblings and your father (step-father?) will not be able to do absolutely everything needed to care for your mother as her condition deteriorates. They an also guide you in how to handle both her fits and your emotions in how you deal with her.

None of this is an easy situation to be in. Here's some more hugs hug hug hug hug hug


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Pink...?
BRONZE Member since Apr 2002

Pink...?

Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There, United Kingdom

Total posts: 6140
Posted:hug hug2 hug

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

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Psycho_lemming
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

Psycho_lemming

Running hippy spinning lemming
Location: Scotland

Total posts: 15
Posted:frown hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

:butthosehugsarntenoughsoisendyouthisgianthugandhopeitjumpsoutthecomputeratyou:


Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

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