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Forums > Social Chat > What's a girl (or guy) to do?

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Location: Berlin, Germany
Member Since: 29th Apr 2002
Total posts: 577
Posted:Right. So as some of you know, I have the uncanny ability to attract some rather strange people (usually men). And sometimes this is okay. Their amusing and generally harmless. But sometimes I find this to be really nerve racking and have no idea what I can do to deter these people from harassing me. I mean some of them can be downright freaky.

For example, I was on the S-bahn the day before, got off and was going on my merry way, when this guy comes up to me and starts asking after my name. Now I could have been a bitch and just ignored him and walked off, but I really don't like to do that. So, I ask him why he wants to know my name and he tells me that he saw me on the train, thought I looked nice (like "someone he wants to know"), so he decided to get off the train, even though it wasn't his stop and follow me. WTF?! Who the hell uses "I thought it would be a good idea to stalk you" as a pick up line?!

What bothers me the most is that while I am a very sexual person, and I could somewhat understand if people reacted to me in a sexual manner when I was acting in a sexual way, even though I still think people shoud be respectful no matter how someone is acting, this happens most when I am being anything but sexual. It happens when I am feeling particularly feminine (if that makes sense) or when I am in a totally pissy mood and look like shit. I very much get the feeling that this has much less to do with sex than with power and domination (and not the fun kind of domination, either ).

Anyways, this has been sort of a rant, but seriously, I know other girls and guys on this board have mentioned being bothered by these types of people. I would really like to know what people think I should do about this because the only solution I can come up with now is to get a tazer and somehow I don't think that is the best one out there. Oh yeah, and the other thing is that when I have stalked off and been a bitch, I have occassionally gotten some scary and violent reactions from these guys, so that solution don't really work.

Thanks for reading through this and thanks in advance for any help.

Beauty is the conscious sum of all our perversions.-Salvador DaliHope without action is hopeless.

Location: Rochester, NY, USA
Member Since: 19th Jun 2001
Total posts: 442
Posted:So some guy gets up the courage to ask you out and call you pretty and you're upset? If you're not interested tell him you're involved with another or something.
As for him stalking, it's not like he tried to follow you around for the day. He just wanted a name and maybe coffee.

As long as he was nice about it, I say take it as a compliment and continue on with your day.

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. - Homer Jay Simpson


the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA
Member Since: 15th Dec 2000
Total posts: 6193
Posted:*raising hand slowly*

Hey gorgeous.
Had it happen a few times too. And let me tell you, the scariest is when a woman does it. They get all nutso.

Anyway, this is what I have learned. Don't cop any attitude at all. Just don't make eye contact or acknowledge them at all. Walk with your head up, looking down can cause you to look shy and more "victim-ish". Talk to someone else. Seriously. Ask for the time, ask for directions or some other information, even if you really don't need it. If this person is still following you, head to a REALLY public place, like a coffee shop or something, and then literally, ask where the restroom is and go there. By talking to people, you are in a position to be recognised in that space and that time so that you also become less of a victim. This also shows a blatant disinterest. If the person invades your space you can always say that you didn't realize s/he was talking to you, and that you are sorry but that you are going to meet your fiance and must really be on your way.

Alot of times these guys are harmless. And, I have to say this because it was explained to me, even when you think you are not putting out any sexual vibes, you still might be. It is not always something within our control. Therefore, it is a better safe than sorry situation.

I took a class in personal safety-non-vicitim training. My final exam was getting caught off guard and being "attacked" in my normal daily routine by my instructor. It is amazing how much goes through your head and how much you want to panic, but staying calm and focussed helped me "beat up" my "attacker" enough to get away, and pass the class! I haven't had to use it since (and could prolly use a refresher course), but I guess that is a testament to the teachings I recieved on how to avoid being a victim in the first place. You might want to look into something like this. It was a 5 week class, two times a week and well worth it!

Just take it is a twisted compliment that you are just too damn irresistable!

Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK


remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere...
Member Since: 27th Feb 2003
Total posts: 2790
Posted:I absolutely agree with Pele. I have been what I would consider to be "stalked". OK they might be innocent, but if so they will back off when asked. If you get negative attention from someone, whatever your views on the police, please seriously consider telling them. Although it didn't turn out to be the same person, it took me until someone was murdered in my area before I told them about my stalker.

"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.



Location: Nottingham, England, UK
Member Since: 2nd May 2003
Total posts: 84
Posted:I think Pele's right too.

I had a stalker a while back and I was TERRIFIED. He followed me everywhere, used to send me eMails telling me how pretty I looked that day, etc. and how e.g. top set off my eyes, etc etc etc

Anyway, I had no idea how he got my eMail address, knew where I went to college, etc. so I was sooooooo freaked.

Turned out I met him at a party once, he asked one of my friends for my eMail address and because I'd been talking to him, she thought i knew him.

Craziness. Eventually I had to face up to it and tell him to leave me alone. He was just a harmless lonely guy.

Doesn't happen to me all the time though, must be a bit freaky.

I agree that people can give out sexual vibes without meaning to though...


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Meet me in outer space... I will hold you close if you're afraid of heights...xXxXx

Dark Pixie
Location: somewhere.....?
Member Since: 6th May 2003
Total posts: 47
Posted:Hey, that happened to a friend of mine once.
She had this guy at school stalk her, constantly ring her up, e-mail her, etc.
Anyway, she is really nice & didn't know what to do about it so went up to him and threatened to bitchslap him one if he didn't do it!
(don't see why he was scared... I'm not terribly threatening at 5'3")
But then right after that, this guy on the internet started stalking her!
That time though, she told him to get f*cked... in the politest way possible

Roman candles that burn in the night, yeah you are a shining light

Location: Nova Scotia, Canada.
Member Since: 8th Nov 2002
Total posts: 1591
Posted:Hey kali that top really sets off your eyes. By the way nice apartment.

Just kidding. I think typically the types of guys (like the guy who followed you off the train) don't really know what's an appropriate way to approach a girl. I know guys who do the same sort of things as you have described and they are hardly stalkers, just idiots.


HOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
Location: Canterbury, UK
Member Since: 5th Nov 2002
Total posts: 1079
Posted:well, i kinda hav same problem.

if youve read my intro thread, you'll know that i cant help but pull "lesbians". i put my face up on hotornot.com for a laff (7.7 so far, top 25%!) and i got a "someone wants to meet you" from a girl who wanted to "meet girls but with xeptions" and picked me as one of the exceptions. now this is a random girl off the net, she has no idea who i am, what my nickname is, or neting about me.

is there something on my face that says "dykes apply here"? some of you guys might b going, "hey cool, threesome galore!" but all i wana do is hav a decent relationship with a straight girl who knows what to do with a phallis (luv that word! ) cuz trust, dykes dont.

All i can suggest is jsut let it slide, everytime it happens, just think, "let it slide, remember what Dyke boy sed" think nout of it. if your as nice as you say you are, just say "im sorry but i dont think my girlfriend will appreciate me talking to you" that way they'll believe your not interested in men, and your butch gfriend will beat 2 shits out of them so theyd beta run!

good luk hun
X x X x X

X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program


HOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
Location: Canterbury, UK
Member Since: 5th Nov 2002
Total posts: 1079
Posted:OMG i just realised i do think like a dyke! ****BEANS!!!

X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Location: down the bottom of the garden,...
Member Since: 8th Oct 2002
Total posts: 285
Posted:arrrrrrrrrgh stalkers are scary, i had one once, he was a toal goffin (local word for sumone who thinks an interst in the occult and slipknot makes you a full on goth) and he sent me black candles and stuff and when i got a lil bit freeked and told him to back off he sent me a curse so yeah i know how you feel kali

i'll draw you a picture ill draw it with a twist ill draw it with a razorblade ill draw it on my wrist and if i do it right a red fountain will appear washing away my sorrow washing away my fear

Location: Canada
Member Since: 10th Apr 2003
Total posts: 37
Posted:This old guy tried to literally drag me off a bus while I was still living in Japan. I told him No, a few times and shook my head a lot too, since he didn't have much English. He had in fact started bothering me at the bus station, taking my book, patting me on the arm, etc. etc. I tried to ignore him, but that obviously didn't work...the firm No did. And there were other people on the bus as well. All I can say is, make sure there are other people around when you tell the person No, and be very firm, let them know you mean it.

And Daddy! They took my boot!

Location: Berlin, Germany
Member Since: 29th Apr 2002
Total posts: 577
Posted:Thanks for the support and info you guys. Sorry I couldn't reply sooner, but that's what happens when you have to pay to use the internet and are broke.

Pele, thanks a lot for your advice. I usually walk with my head up and all that stuff, but get so flustered when these kinds of things happen that I forget to talk to other people and don't rely on anyone to intervene because of rules of bystander apathy. I will try to keep that in mind next time and to look for one of those courses you mentioned. Thanks again.

I also think some of this is a matter of cultural differences as a lot of these guys come from cultures where women don't go out alone or dressed in jeans or whatever, which makes me feel even more helpless about these types of situations. After all its their viewpoint and I can't really expect them to change it because it upsets me. I don't think its a valid excuse, but its a reason that I take into consideration.

It is just really scary as some have already stated here. I have friends that have been literally pulled into cars and have had people grab at me, too. I don't feel like this has so much to do with beauty as the sort of sometimes violent attitude that society takes to beauty at times. It seems that some people, if they are attracted to you, objuectify you and thus see you as something to be posessed and/or conquered. I don't know if that makes sense in such a short explanation, but this type of thing is what really upsets me.

Anyhoo, I better go before my time runs out and this all gets erased. Thanks again you guys. Another advice or commments would be deeply appreciated.

By the way, Dyke Boy, I know plenty of lesbian that know what to do with a phallus, they're just usually the ones wearing it.

Beauty is the conscious sum of all our perversions.-Salvador DaliHope without action is hopeless.

Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:They said it the best.... it is a very strange thing, i've had it happen but more often with people i knew, which is harder. There's a lot of ways to look like less of a victim and a lot of them really just want to say hi, and won't be the scary version, but pele's right, you have to get yourself into a public place and involve yourself with other people. I dunno what else to tell you beyond knowing self defense is useful...
good luck girl, stay safe

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:these guys are fools,i get it too, mainly when i am least expecting it, so its even harder to react to.

what i usually do is really embarase them in someway, so for example you can really quickly develope terrets (the shouting swear words disability), or a huge twitch!

its mush like me way of avoiding a fight, i square up to teh guy/s and thentake a step back, bend over and spin round hitting myself in the head, and start shouting come on then andother stuff, ok i know this sounds nutts, and i am honestly totaly sain, but i works, and as askater i find i get beaten up less that if i fight them!

of well back to my normal life!

Step (el-nombrie)


Location: austin,tx
Member Since: 21st Mar 2002
Total posts: 2363
man, i've been stalked, even "groped up" before i knew what hit me, mostly by guys, but even by some girls. the worst is when you get some nutso voodoo enthusiast trying to get their tongue in your throat that starts pulling the "curse" crapwhen you push them off. magically, images of mirrors, facing both ways, between you and said objectifying horny stalker does wonders for me, and doing the talking to someone else thing if they seem innocent enough about it. i like sometimes even doing something "dada-esque" for the minor incedents, like, "hey i need to take my turtle for a swim, have a nice day" and then a ninja like duck out the corner, double back and forth if they follow you and then there's always "the clothesline" tackle if you're in a sporty mood
i know i'm making light of this, but sister, stay sharp and fast, no matter how much tequila people buy you , take care of yourself, i still wanna see those horseshoes

-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

Location: Berlin, Germany
Member Since: 29th Apr 2002
Total posts: 577
Posted:Kyri, thanks.

Mechhead, that actually is what one of the guys I trained with told me to do when I first started studying martial arts. Its just really hard to remember because these things happen so randomly and catch me off guard, but it is a good defense and I should keep that in mind. Thanks.

Arashi, I thought I was the only one that got attacked by voodoo curse muttering weirdos! (No, I'm not kidding it really has happened) And I really want people to make light of it because if something bothers me, I really don't like to give it more power by taking it so seriously, so thanks for that. Glad you haven't forgotten the horseshoes.

Beauty is the conscious sum of all our perversions.-Salvador DaliHope without action is hopeless.