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JaiMember
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Victoria


Posted:
Hey all.

I am just curious because lately i have been feeling weird. Well it has been for the last year or so. I feel like nothing is exciting anymore. Everything i do just seems to float by. As if i am just watching it. I dont get excited by anything anymore. For example; I finish year 12 at the end of this year. Everyone is talking about what they want to do, and how excited they are that they are going to be doing it. But it doesnt really.....affect me emotionally. Its like i dont have any emotions anymore.

I try to do stuff that will effect me emotionally. I try to do exciting stuff, like im making a movie. But i dont feel anything about it. Its just happening.

I have been suffering from insomnia for about the same time. My mind wont stop. It just goes over everything that is happening or has happened through the day. Or what i have to do. I get my best work done when i should be sleeping.

Does anyone feel like they are living through a dream?

Neon_ShaolinGOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam


Posted:
I described similiar symptoms to my doctor who dismissed it as 'boredom' and asked me if I 'tried not to be gay' and had a 'you made your bed, you lie in it' attitude towards it.



Plus, when at the end I brought up the fact that I smoked weed (and other stuff in my past) she immediately jumped on that as the excuse and insisted that I go for drugs counselling...



I've not done anything since, have been toying with going to a counsellor but at 30 a pop and dunno which one in my area to choose... Plus I'm slightl scared that they will say the same thing, and it IS all my own fault. But then maybe that's what I need to be told...

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock


animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
um, dude... It's NOT your fault you're gay... It's not even something you should be ashamed of...

Drugs aren't always the cause of everybody's mental problems...

a cousellor won't sit htere and say to you 'you made your bed and lie in it' or similar. They're there to listen, so that you can get things straight in your own head.

What sort of person are you? that will help you choose which counsellor to see.I saw an analytical counsellor. and they really helped me...

I'd (Ide wink ) suggest getting a list of the counsellors in your area, one which says what type they are, and ask the local mental health centre (Where i think you get the list from) what the benefits of each type are.

Good luck dude!! hug If ever you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to get in touch... smile

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


spinningstarletSILVER Member
enthusiast
271 posts
Location: Bradford *rolls eyes*, United Kingdom


Posted:
That is absolute [censored]. Depression is not ANYONES fault, you do not choose to be depressed, and no matter what has happened in the past i respect you tonnes for having the courage to actually do something about it. The Doctor you went to see obviously has no tact whatsoever, and you need to get yourself to see another, and if they say the same thing, another, until you find one who will listen to you and take you seriously.

Re: the councelling, and price, mine was completely free, regardless of whether you'd been referred by the doctor (i just got priority because of that - apparently i was a danger to my self - which i do not belive for one minute)

If you do try to find a sympathetic doctor they should be able to give you advice on where to go to get help etc.

Please forgive me for reapeating myself but i think it is super important to reiterate that it is in no way, shape or form your fault. you don't choose to get a cold, so why should depression be any different?


hug hug
hug

~|x.,x.,x|~

polaritySILVER Member
veteran
1,228 posts
Location: on the wrong planet, United Kingdom


Posted:
I was (and still may be) a danger to myself and ended up getting my referal passed around all the various psych departments for 6 months, while I steadily got worse. Then my mum made a compaint right to the top. Now I can get an appointment with the chief psychologist at very short notice, but not much else, as it seems no-one in the NHS in this county has a clue about Asperger's Syndrome (what's actually causing my depression).

Relate counsellors are trained about A.S. but it just feels wrong not paying something towards the cost (it's voluntary, and I'm on benefits), so I've not gone back.

I'm also in an awkward position in that while I've studied a fair bit of psychology, I use astrology to put it into context. For me things are bad at the moment as I'm 28, which means going through Saturn return. Saturn causes me enough problems without it coming into stronger effect for a couple of years. If I could find a counsellor who also understands astrology, I may have more luck finding out what particular lessons I'm supposed to be learning at this time, instead of having things get worse with no idea what I should be doing about it.

You aren't thinking or really existing unless you're willing to risk even your own sanity in the judgment of your existence.

Green peppers, lime pickle and whole-grain mustard = best sandwich filling.


David001SILVER Member
newbie
3 posts
Location: Alaska, USA


Posted:
Howdy Jai,
I am Dave.
I am a lunatic at times, by standards of the european meaning.
My moods sometimes drift with the lunar cycle.

Do you miss feeling some emotions?
I mean do you want to feel them currently?

I took 3 years off from my feelings in in 1999.
I did start to feel like a "robot" and decided to re-attach with my emotional core.
temperal breaks are fine with me.
I steer clear of quick judgements and advice.
I don't know your situation.

I counceled last year with a LCSW (Licenced Clinical Social Worker) A professional without the drugs.
We conversed not lectured. I was ready after waiting 9 years to talk.

ciao for now.
Let me know what up.

JaiMember
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Victoria


Posted:
I think i know (besides the moon phases) what is causing my ... aloofness. I had a performance exam yesterday for drama. I was sitting in the waiting room with everyone and i was freaking out. The stress was really getting too me. After the performance i really just felt drained and emotionless. All the stress of year 12 has been getting to me alot recently.

I have taken the advice of writting about the robbery in my diary. I have never actually written about it before. And it was quite, weird reliving some of those feelings. And more feelings and questions actually came about. Like i was upset about what happened, but what about the guy who did it. He must have been pushed to the limit to rob a convience store for $1000. It felt really good to get some of those things off my shoulders.

Another reason i am kinda feeling down is because i have so much on. It is nearly over. And once it is over im going to take time out for myself. Really work out what I want to do.

To anyone out there that is feeling down or depressed it is because there is a problem. Take the time out to realise what that problem/s are. And do something about it.

My problem is i feel like im wasting my life at school (i came across that problem while writting in my diary). I mean im not good at school and i want to become a circus performer.

So to everyone out there, talk to a friend, take a moment out to watch the sunset, take the time to smell the flowers, do something that you have always dreamed of doing, or run away and join the circus (like me biggrin). Just do something different that will make you happy, whether it be something small or something big like traveling around the world. Just enjoy life, because it will not always be there for you to enjoy.

Thank you everyone, you have really opened my eyes to possibilites that i only ever thought were dreams.

If anyone wants a friend, im always here. I would love to help anyone out, just like you helped me out.

Peace.

Jai.

newgabeSILVER Member
what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
4,030 posts
Location: Bali, Australia


Posted:
aaaw Jai, I am really touched by what you have written. You have been able to ask for help, be honest about yourself, take on board what people are offering you, do something to help yourself, find some compassion and then turn around and give back to others straight away.. More than many of us can do in a year!!

Best of luck with the end of yr 12, Yeah it is great to get school behind you. I did it 35 years ago and never looked back wink

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....


animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
Jai, Dude!!

You wanna be a circus performer?

Have you applied to any circus schools?

I too feel stress really easily, and then go numb afterwards... But I do feel emotion when I'm dancing, or juggling... A happy emotion. It's good. That's what's gotten me hooked.

I too want to be a performer. Unfortunately, my body is in such bad shape, that i doubt I would be accepted in a circus school, despite all the crazy stuff i can already do with a ball, and popping.

But at the moment, I'm thinking about an act with my girlfriend (who graduated Circus school a year ago) so there is a chance for me to get into the business. I suppose what I'm trying to say, is never give up. even if you can't use the simplest and most conventional methods, there's always another way. yes, it'll probably be harder, but it does feel so rewarding...

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


jo_rhymesSILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom


Posted:
jai hug all i have are hugs hug hug hug

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


Neon_ShaolinGOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam


Posted:
Seriously thanks guys for the feedback. hug

My GP is Asian so it might've just been culture-clash opinion but did say to her that I accepted that being gay was who I am, I wasn't ashamed of it but the loneliness that comes with it is a major factor. She wasn't TOO unsympathetic, she did guess that it maybe be that gay men have nothing to look forward to - marriage, children, nothing to plan for in the long term so many end up directionless.

Another thing she said that if I had hopes and plans then I wasn't depressed. I DO have hopes and plans, and good luck to Jai for making long term plans and going for what he wants to do. But I still find it difficult to feel genuine excitement, find the energy to execute them, or say 'I had a good time' and genuinely mean it.

Part of me was reluctant to get help just in case I was just being an attention-seeking cry-baby/finding an excuse for not getting on with my life. But I came to realise that attention might exactly be what I need whether medical or just a sympathetic ear.

Thank you guys... hug hug hug

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock


JaiMember
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Victoria


Posted:
Well, i am currently sitting in my chair with a buzzing going on all around my body. Its happyness, excitement. Ohh and just to top it off a great song has just come on the radio. I have done alot of soul searching recently and have written down what i want. Then i asked for help. Last night i recieved that help. I met the most beautiful girl. I have always believed i have had control of my life. But i really know that i dont, and that is exciting. I'm just going to let what ever is meant to happen, happen. I'm just going to make the most of every opportunity that is presented to me. Im just happy to be here.

Neon, its great to see that you are not ashamed of who you are. Because when you cant except who you are then you become an actor. And you play the role. And you fake all the emotions. Thats what i felt.

Some people in the community can make u feel that way because of their social beliefs. Just have one night where you open up to a close friend and work on why you are who you are. And if you like it.

Please get in touch with me Neon if you need someone to talk to. I will always extend my arms ( hug ) to someone in need.

Peace everyone. smile

Jai.

newgabeSILVER Member
what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
4,030 posts
Location: Bali, Australia


Posted:
Hey Jai, lovely to hear from you again. My daughter is a bit disappointed you met someone though cos from your posts she dedcided you were a really nice person and wanted to marry you wink

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....


Mr MajestikSILVER Member
coming to a country near you
4,693 posts
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear, Australia


Posted:
soooooooooooo, isnt anyone allowed to be pessimistic without being labeled depressed any more? :\

"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley


daizeSILVER Member
member
175 posts
Location: Falmouth, Cornwall, England (UK)


Posted:
Jai you might just be feeling a little lost due to lack of direction and self purpose. Though for safety, I wouldn't want to diminish the severity of your depression, and you should always seek professional advice (regardless of my personal opinion of that). Depression is a spectrum and works on a cycle as Tao says, it's very normal for people to flux and go through periods of lows.



The possibility of it being something else, is also a major factor, which is another reason why you should seek professional help.



I've had 5/6 years of some pretty shady treatment from the NHS, down here in Cornwall. Which has left me to the conclusion that they are incompetent. So much so that now, THEY've just given up, prescribed me some Prozac and told me to get on with my life.



Polarity, I'm also searching for a counsellor who's more in tune with spirituality/nature etc. Not that I'm that much of a spiritual person. Though from certain observations, and attempts to ignore it, or cynically pass it off. I've come to realise that there's possibly more external factors, which should be considered when attempting to heal ones self.



One of the moments that made me realise this, was when I sat down with a friend and she looked over a 13 moon calendar for me.



Bit of unusual area for me, I usually justify things by being systematic and scientific (from my fathers side), even though my mother tried to raise me spiritually. A conflicting conundrum, I think you'll agree.



Well that's me two cents. Indeedy. tongue



(liability clause- please just read the above as an opinion)



Good luck smile

Sam

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