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Forums > Social Discussion > Abusive Relationships - why? (and how to get out, please)

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:I do have severe problems to understand, why someone would get into, or stay in an abusive relationship...

Reading this didn't really make it clear to me, even though I do understand the following:

a) usually an abusive relationship escalates, meaning it didn't start out as such. After someone falls in love with someone, has a relationship - this turns violent after some time for various reasons. Gradually someone slips into that

b) after a partner turns violent in the relationship, it is extremely difficult for the other to break off/ out. Sometimes it's not easy at all to find assistance and help/ understanding from family and friends to get away from the formerly beloveth partner... (even though this to me is almost unimaginable)

c) Especially when children are involved, things get very messy...

c) Fear seems to be a key factor.

Now my question to all of those who have real life, or second hand experience with it AND who would not mind to contribute:

- How can one tell early enough that the relationship is tilting?

- What can one do when facing her/ himself in an abusive relationship?

I would understand if you keep off this topic, but greatly appreciate your input as it might help others to help others - or even themselves...

Thanks hug


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:well there are certainly signs that a partner may become abusive but these are not any "hard and fast" rules. that's part of the problem. additionally, women (and i say women because this is the more typical and well-researched scenario) who tend to get into abusive relationships tend to be submissive to begin with, and therefore it doesn't matter the signs, they are more likely to stay regardless. it often stems from a need for affection, for attention, no matter if it's good or bad. while certainly the bastards who beat their partner need to be stopped, part of the intervention really needs to be aimed at enhancing the self-esteem and assertiveness of girls around the world at an early age and continually reinforcing it throughout their lives.

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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FireByNite
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

FireByNite

Are you up for it??
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Total posts: 349
Posted:a big part of the reason that some women stay is due to the fact that if they leave, their "partner" finds where they have gone to and proceeds to beat the living censored out of them!



Oh, and it's not always the submissive women that get caught out and stay with them when they shouldn't...


Are you up for it?
wink;)

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FireByNite
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

FireByNite

Are you up for it??
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Total posts: 349
Posted:how to tell?
some ways can be: trying to stop you seeing friends, him having low self esteem - eg. tries to put you down to make himself feel good


Are you up for it?
wink;)

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted:in my experiance the abusive signs were there at the start but only slightly, he was a tad possesive and paraniod but being young and not having experiance of relationships carried on. it wasn't until we got married that things turned for the worse. the reason why i stayed for so long.....

1.i had always been brought up to think it was the right thing to do.... we had a child together

2. i was scared to get out. after time your made to think that the whole world revolves around this relationship and that you would not be able to cope on your own

3.you don't think your worth anything but the abuse, its a slow process of being broken down/conditioned into a way of thinking which then feeds off the rest of the abuse making the feeling stronger.

4. i actually thought we were in love!!!

5. he eventualy got diagnosed with a few menl ilnesses and i was told that it would make him worse if i left, and i felt guilty of wanting to leave him as he was "ill"

for the majority of the time i was scared but thought it was the norm. (Coming from abuse into abuse does that)
we had split up many times for one reason or another.... either me getting some strength to do it or him running off with other girls but every time we got back together. we first got to gogether in '93 but it took me till '99 to pluck up the corrage to do it... the thing that tiped me over the edge to make the desision.... it was a mix of the abuse getting more and more life threatening... there are only so many times you can put up with nearly being killed and the other part well realising you are worth more and that what you first thought was love wasn't. oh and that you have wasted so many years of your life for nothing....
i woke up one morning and just decided that was the day, it didn't take much as i also woke up looked at him and shuddered.

it took alot to actually get round to doing it but i have never looked back on that decision it was one of the best ones i have ever made. biggrin


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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flaming_daisy
SILVER Member since Jun 2005

flaming_daisy

commander of coffee
Location: Wellington bro, New Zealand

Total posts: 31
Posted:What about people who have spent there whole lives being physically abused?
If that is the case then being in what society depicts as a normal relationship is going to be foreign. In those situations people who do leave usually end up in a relationship with the same person in a different body.

I have this theory, if you partner is a little too needy and easily angered early on in your relationship, its time to run for the hills.
I have had a few friends in relationships with some angry people. The first thing they complained about was their partner wanting to know their every move for the day and not letting them see their friends. Eventually winding into a paranoid obsessive frenzy that gets out of control. Not a pretty situation for anyone to be in, and its hard watching your friends in that situation especially when they are so caught up in it they convince themselves they can't get out.


Did you know if a pigeon doesn't bob its head when it is walking, it will fall over...

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted: Written by: FireByNite


Oh, and it's not always the submissive women that get caught out and stay with them when they shouldn't...



that's why i put that qualifier in there tongue i wasn't implying that it's only male on female violence and whatnot, just pointing out the majority of cases it is, and that's where most of the research comes from.


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)

Total posts: 4145
Posted:- How can one tell early enough that the relationship is tilting?

Difficult. Love makes you blind, and so does fear. A mix of the two is really dangerous. You'll always find an excuse, or a reason to try it again, if you look for one.


- What can one do when facing her/ himself in an abusive relationship?

Everyone has to get to their personal point of "now it's gone too far". There are organisations that can help, and at least 95% of abused people know it, but like with an addiction you have to come to the decision yourself. Friends etc can try to help, but (again as with an addiction) a lot of the time that will make things worse, because a. the abusive partner will see it as an attempt to lessen his/her power and try to alienate the other one from them, and b. the abused partner will feel either shame or anger at them, and probably either try to prove them wrong or stop talking to them.
Apart from psycho-terror, it took me "only" a raised hand and the threat to beat me up to get rid of my ex, but that's probably because I'm stubborn enough...


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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FireByNite
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

FireByNite

Are you up for it??
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Total posts: 349
Posted:sorry pounce, I was didn't explain myself properly ( a few too many beers tonight ) tongue
I was actually meaning that it's sometimes the ones with the higher self-esteem and who are assertive/outgoing that get caught in the trap of abusive relationships


Are you up for it?
wink;)

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I had a friend who I tried to "save" from an abusive relationship she ended back with him and not talking to me.

Now I am not talking about all abusive relationships but a few observations from the one I saw first hand (I was there for one such beating)

The girl in question had a low self esteem to start off with, she had very low self worth. She thought she was not a good person and was not very pretty (she was but try telling her that) so I guess that was the precursor. Not to mention she was given hell in school most of her life (she was a red head).

So I think this guy preyed on that fact to start with. Then he slowly creeped into her mind and started to tell her how ugly she was and how lucky she was to have him as no one else would and she started to believe it. He also told her all the things she would do wrong, no compliments, told her how stupid she was constantly.

So when he started to beat her senseless she had such a low self worth that she thought it was all because she had done the wrong thing so it was her own fault that he beat her. And she couldn't leave him because no one else would love her (at least that is what she had been brainwashed to think).

Last I heard from this girl she had two kids by him and expecting a third.

Sad really. I hope that he either got help or she got out. or both.

I once got into a relationship that started to go that way but thankfully to me I had seen it before so I recognised the signs when he started to degrade me and very quickly left before he had a chance to lay into me.


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buzzingtalk


buzzingtalk

Member
Location: London, england

Total posts: 152
Posted:People get in your head, if its the type of person who knows he will be a wife beater, he will probably do the whole love thing for a year or two, let you get comfortable and myabe he will fall in love too, but then when it gets too comfortable maybe these type of people switch and start doing it when they know they arei n control. especially with marriage and kids, if someone lives for soemone else, rasing there child, especially if your a house wifre with no job, then where else will this person go?
i hardley have any expeience, my ex hit me one time so i hit him back and he didnt try it again, when i realised he was a bit of a nutter after 2 years and 16 years of knowing him i left him while in a cab on the way to asia for 3 months so he could get over it. but i think if someone gets into your head its hard to push them away and walk away becuase you start doubting yourself if all you have done in the last few years is been with them frown

its good to talk about stuff like this though, i think anyways, then people know theres always other people who have done it, who have escaped and come out OK, xxx


Kiss me now, You're beatiful, For these days are truly the last.

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted: Written by: pounce


 Written by: FireByNite


Oh, and it's not always the submissive women that get caught out and stay with them when they shouldn't...



that's why i put that qualifier in there tongue i wasn't implying that it's only male on female violence and whatnot, just pointing out the majority of cases it is, and that's where most of the research comes from.


OK before I tell my story I feel something needs to be cleared up....men are regularly abused by women but they dont come forward because of the fear that it makes them less of a man and thats why the numbers are scued. Believe it or not its true. There are also other forms of abuse besides physical, which are just as damaging if not more so because your more likely to heal a physical injury, that dont get talked about like verbal, mental and emotional. Being a victem of all four for seven years I may be able to shed a little light on this as to the hows and whys.
Ok here goes........
The love of my life and the mother of my kids abused me for, like I said, seven years before I left her. Honestly I would probably still be with her if I didnt find out she had cheated on me. Anyway, we were best friends for five years before we got together and we both always liked eachother but we were in other relationships. When the time came that we were both single we hooked up and were madly in love. I should've known when we had our first argument that I needed to leave but like I said madly in love. She regularly put me down and made me feel small.I used to have a healthy social life and played in bands and that all went away aswell. I became a shut-in and would stay home to care for our daughters, thier pics are in my gallery check them out thier my pride and joy. Anyway, for years I lied to friends, family, doctors, about black eyes, broken bones, dislocations for the exact reason I listed above. I fealt people would look down on me but I never realised that I was more of a man for not hitting back. I even had police officers laugh at me when I called them for help and they made me leave the house not her because thats how the law in the USA works. If the cops are called by anyone for domestic violence the male has to leave, and thats because of the women dont abuse steriotype. I have injuries that will never heal and live with pain on most days because of her.
Now why did I stay? well theres the kids, that ones obvious. Like I said I loved her and still do but I didnt love her anger and control. I still miss her and actually left the state we lived in so I wouldnt go back to her, hence why I'm currently a wanderer. I feared that if we were still around eachother that I would go back, and I wouldve because I tried to leave her before and always ended up back with her. People have asked me if I'm a masochist since I've found the courage to talk about this and I'm not I was just a fool in love.
Some of the warning signs I can think of are how quickly her temper would flare, and how she would put me down. Also the controling aspects, she would take things from me little by little till I had nothing left, no band, no friends, and limited family contact.
Hope that helps in someway. No one should ever be abused and thats why I talk to people about it so I can help others who are going through it. Also Men if your reading this and you've been abused stand up and let your voice be heard because we need to get the word out and shed light on this problem!!!!!

Peace and Strength,

Loki


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted: Written by: FireTom





- What can one do when facing her/ himself in an abusive relationship?





Sorry in my rant I forgot to answer a key question....my answer is leave leave leave

turn to family and friends for support

there are also programs you can call for help.....at least in the USA there is I dont know where your from but look in the phone book and see. The only problem is most wont help men, I know from experience, so I dont know if its you or a friend your asking for but you could try that.


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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BansheeCat
BRONZE Member since Jul 2005

veteran
Location: lost, Canada

Total posts: 1247
Posted:I think is might be important for us to look, as a society, and as individuals, at what are healthy ways to treat each other, and ourselves. Do we recognize abuse anymore? Our whole society, and how people relate to each other within it is abusive. We glorify greed, power, control and violence. We treat people with little or no love and respect, walking by a homeless person because we can not bring ourselves to share what we have, or cant even stop to ask a stranger who is crying, if they need help, because we are to busy, and dont want to be involved... We assert inappropriate power over our environment, damaging the plants and the very soil so that we can have whatever thing it is we think we need that day-- and we often feel smart and proud for having done so...

I think that our casual acceptance of all these "small" societally acceptable abuses prepares us for the larger- both doing them, and receiving them. It is well known that abuse of the kind you are discussing, wife/husband beating etc, begins in the early/home/family life, and then circles around, generation to generation. People become conditioned, damaged, hopeless, exhausted...

Is it any less so within our society at large? Why do we accept this [censored]? Why are we not recognizing it as abuse, and changing it, leaving it, saving our children, screaming out in frustration? Apply all the questions you raise to your own life, and the way we treat the world.

I suspect the answers are much the same as they are within the smaller scale personal abusive relationships:beginning with the fact that some people have lived with abuse so long they dont even recognize it.They may not have had any experience with anything better, and may not beleive they deserve better. Maybe they feel like an idiot for letting "love" blind them. Maybe they hope it will change-- and often it does, in cycles, great escalating waves, with amazing addictive highs as well as the devastating lows. Maybe just calling it abuse is risky, because then they might have to act. From there, recognizing it,changing is difficult because people are afraid: of being hurt, starting over with nothing, being alone, speaking out and being laughed at or ignored, afraid to try and fail, uncertain what even to try...

Many people have never even seen a healthy relationship modelled, in personal life, or in society. They dont even know what it is/can be, never mind how to realize it.They dont know that all abuse begins within the individual and their choices of how to relate to the world.


I basically beleive these two things are true: that a healthy person does not act in ways that deliberately hurt another, and that a healthy person does not let other people hurt them repeatedly.

But our world is not so healthy these days, is it?

How do we heal?


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted:clap ditto Very well said andrealee very well said
I know in my case my abuser was abused as a child and talked down too. She acted out her learned behavior, I guess you could say that she was tought that thats how you treat a loved one. It was my understanding of that that helped me to stay in the situation and try to help her stop, but I guess you have to want to get help and stop and I dont think she did. You also have to admit you have a problem and she never could.
How do we heal? I dont know I've been trying to figure that one out myself.


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted: Written by: Loki_the_trickster


How do we heal? I dont know I've been trying to figure that one out myself.



i don't think we do we just learn from our experiance and either deal with it by carrying on or let it eat us away.
i dealt with mine the day i kicked him out, the scars are still there though.


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Fiona_Godfrey


newbie


Total posts: 3
Posted:Post deleted by Fiona_Godfrey

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Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:The above post has been reported and the member has been respectfully asked via private message to delete it herself.

"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted:frown WOW....I thought this thread was here to help and advise the abused not to attack and abuse
I think your rant would've been better off in a private message Fiona. It really was not apropriate for this here disscussion.
Thanks so much.


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted:clap clap clap thanks spanner!!!!

My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Tao Star


Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol

Total posts: 1662
Posted:yeah, coming on here and saying that in front of everyone is NOT cool. especailly on a thread that's trying to be positive and help people...i don't think anyone wanted to hear that.

we are all friends here, the general aim is to be supportive... frown


I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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Fiona_Godfrey


newbie


Total posts: 3
Posted:Post deleted by Fiona_Godfrey

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted:rolleyes *sigh*

all i am going to say on the above post is that my friends on here know me and i am not going to waste my time in going into it all in the form of a bitch fight, its stupid and pointless.

i am sorry to the people for this happening especialy as it is a place of support and advice from those who have been there either first or second hand.


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted:*sigh*
No like me and tao said this is a thread to help people and talk about the abuse some of us have suffered not attack people. Goth never named names and none of us new who it was she was talking about untill you attacked her so I dont see how she is spreading "viscious rumours" I also went back and reread her posts and find nothing viscious about them sooooo BYE NOW!!!!! We'd all like to be able to get back on topic and help out FireTom


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted:hug hug hugits ok Goth.....its not your fault hug

My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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buzzingtalk


buzzingtalk

Member
Location: London, england

Total posts: 152
Posted:wow, fiona! if your husband is having rumors spread about him, which in my eyes is not true as i see no names or indication of names in gothfrogettes messages, is it not better to keep this argument private? if you have a problem with her, will the law that you are intent of following support you when they see you are on the same level, if you are so against putting all your 'personal thoughts' online, then why did you offload that huge private message above?
this is a support thread! and you should know as you seem to know someone who has been affected and it is obviously close to heart to you, so support your husband instead of making it a bigger problem it is.
peace people


Kiss me now, You're beatiful, For these days are truly the last.

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Pen Draven


Pen Draven

Unofficial Lord Of Confusion And Pirate Extrodinaire
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 1363
Posted:Wow,, there are times and there are places,, and bugger me but i didn't think this was either....

Some men see things and say why....

I Dream of things that never were and say Why Not....?

Oh No I'm going to get Shot Alive if he finds out - DA wink

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TinklePants
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr, Unit...

Total posts: 4217
Posted: Written by: Fiona_Godfrey



So let's get this right Gothfrogette is permitted to spread viscious rumours on this forum about my husband and I am not allowed to defend him?



I really don't understand what you're getting out of following your partner's ex around the internet and saying things like that. This is HER community and she can say what she likes about whomever she wants. You can't make us change our minds about her, we like her for who she is, not for what she apparently has done in the past.



Wounds never heal if you keep opening them up.


Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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Loki_the_trickster
SILVER Member since Feb 2006

Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA

Total posts: 1266
Posted: Written by: TinklePants


 Written by: Fiona_Godfrey


So let's get this right Gothfrogette is permitted to spread viscious rumours on this forum about my husband and I am not allowed to defend him?


I really don't understand what you're getting out of following your partner's ex around the internet and saying things like that. This is HER community and she can say what she likes about whomever she wants. You can't make us change our minds about her, we like her for who she is, not for what she apparently has done in the past.

Wounds never heal if you keep opening them up.


clap ditto Well said
I think we finally chased her off and we can get back to the task at hand and help out FireTom and each other biggrin cheers people


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Gah. This is not the first time this has happened here, and it probably won't be the last. I'm really glad there are so many people who step in before things turn into an online soap opera or Jerry Springer episode.

Fiona, your main problem seems to be about not knowing about the children. Do you think if you post something like this it would make ANYONE more likely to cooperate?


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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TinklePants
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr, Unit...

Total posts: 4217
Posted:Jerry Springer is my hero! ubblol
Bringing together trailer trash and cheaters for entertainment - quality viewing! haha


Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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