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Forums > Social Discussion > my slow return to hop.. after a massive and horrible tragedy

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Page: 12
doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:i know some of you have noticed my lack of posting on hop over the past week(or maybe my head is just swelling!). there is actually a serious and very disturbing reason for this. i learned last week that my brother suddenly and completely unexpectedly killed himself in australia. he had been living there for the past year and a half, doing his phd in neuropharmacology. any time i spoke to him he sounded so excited about every day and he was loving the time he spent there. he had met a girl a few months ago and they were so happy together, they were going to buy a house together and they were talking about getting married.

my head is still a little all over the place, but i have the support of my friends ,wonderful girlfriend and my family to keep me going.

he will be returned home on sunday evening, with his girlfriend and 3 of his greatest friends, and after a short stay in our home he will be buried on tuesday.

if you are reading this mesage and you have any sympathies for me or my family please keep us all in your thoughts on tuesday morning (12:00 gmt) the time of the funeral mass.


There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hello Barry

Have been thinking about you all week...

I'm so very sorry for what you've been going through.

You are such a wonderful, warm and loving friend and it's awful to see you in such pain.

You know we are all here for you to do what we can, limited as that may be.

There is no explanation for why your brother did this. It is a sad loss of a precious life, and the only thing that will help your family deal with this is time.

I love you lots Dr Fandango... you and Helene are so strong and good for each other - rely on her for the support she will undoubtably give you.

Take care... I'll be thinking of you (we all will)... and I'll see you sometime.

With my deepest sympathies
Clare xx


Getting to the other side smile

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doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:'You are such a wonderful, warm and loving friend and it's awful to see you in such pain.' thats exactly what anyone would have said to alan.(so my mam says as she reads your message over my shoulder wink.

mam says...
'thank you for your message, for being in touch with us.'


There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:I don't even know what to say.

So I'm going to do the only thing I can do from this remote place called "my keyboard." I'm going to post a hug smiley.

Because that's the ony thing I can do. frown

hug


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Take each day as it comes Barry, we're all thinking about you.

Getting to the other side smile

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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

Total posts: 4030
Posted:Indeed our hearts are with you... I was thinking about this today when I was in a very beautiful peaceful place here, and sent you some love from Australia....
Your brother seemed to have so much to live for. Do we know he really took his own life, not an accident of some sort? (you don't have to answer that, it's probably horribly insensitive of me even to ask...) Whatever has happened, you know there will be prayers with you on Tuesday...


.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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Phaerie
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Phaerie

veteran
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 1240
Posted:grouphug so much love coming to you from hoppers all around the globe.

so many hug's for you and your family for the now.


Only when you close your eyes can you really see...

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doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:cheers doc :hug-received-&-a-big-1-right-back-atcha:



newgabe, thanks for the love & thoughts. its not insensitive to be curious. the same questions went screaming thru my mind"maybe it was an accident?,maybe it wasnt him...". it was no accident, he had taken a bottle of poison from his lab and mixed it with vodka. with his studies and years of experience with the subject in college, he knew exactly what he was doing. it was a VERY hard fact to come to terms with. he was 30 years old and he lived every day to the full. dad says he was 30 going on 85! mam says that he spent his 30 years here with us and god needed him back for something..



thank you all for your love and sympathy!


There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:hug As mike said, I can't do more... but you'll be in my thoughts.

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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stano3b
GOLD Member since Oct 2004

journeyman
Location: (SVK) - Slovakia

Total posts: 58
Posted:on tuesday at 12.00 i'll be praying for you, for your whole family and especially for your brother +

hug


...can you speak poi?

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Fine_Rabid_Dog


Internet Hate Machine
Location: They seek him here, they seek ...

Total posts: 10530
Posted:hug hug2

Like Lightning said, thats all I've got mate.

Stay strong.

Tuesday, 12, you have my love and support smile


The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."

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doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:thanks for your love lads, i know that its going to take a LONG time to come to terms with whats realy going on. but we have alan back now with us. i have shed countless tears but its just so fantrastic to have my big brother back with me. i can talk to him and ask him all the questions i have, i know he cant answer me, but i can hear him in my head. seeing him layed out in a coffin in my sitting room is so hard. but at the same time i am so f***ing releaved thet he is here. he is so peaceful. i guess(thats all i can do at this stage) that he is at rest now, whatever trouble was going thru his mind when he decided to take his own life is gone now and he can truly rest in peace. my other 2 brothers, gav and paul are here with me and i have met alan's girlfriend , karin, i never thought i would meet her under these circumstances, but thats the way things work out sometimes.

i want to thank evryone on hop that has been thinkiong of me and my family (and extended family at this time). and incidentaly, if anyone knows anyone that has any skills in reiki, send as much energy as you can,we need all we can get at this time.
thanks again
Dr. F


There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

Total posts: 4030
Posted:meditate meditate meditate meditate meditate heart meditate meditate meditate meditate meditate

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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Helen_of_Poi
SILVER Member since Apr 2004

Helen_of_Poi

lapsed spinner
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Total posts: 412
Posted:hug

I don't really know what to say to you Barry, except that i'm thinking of you. You may or may not be aware that i have lost people close to me also, including a friend who decided for reasons unknown to end his life two years ago. I will never understand why, i just try to respect his decision, knowing that he was an intelligent and good person, who must have had his reasons.

There's not much more i can say, except that i'll be there tomorrow, to give you a hug in person. In the meantime, look after yourself, and lean on all around you who love you and are there to support you.


Helen_of_Poi

EJC Ireland 2006 Organisational Team

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:frown hug

Nothing can be said to make this any better for you. Grief is an odd creature. Let it unfold in its own time and own way. hug

I'll be thinking of you and sending you vibes of comfort and strength tomorrow. I hope you soon find a sense of peace.


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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i8beefy2
GOLD Member since Mar 2003

i8beefy2

addict
Location: Ohio, USA

Total posts: 674
Posted:I don't know you very well. Not even sure if I've ever spoken to you here. But I want to offer my condolences, as well as my e-mail if you would like to chat. mike@hallock.net

Two years ago, almost to the day, I lost my brother unexpectedly as well. The circumstances, especially, of such a death are usually very hard to deal with. Not only will I be thinking of you and your family tomorrow, but I will be traveling home to lay flowers on my brother gravesite for the anniversary of his death... Even now, suicide, anniversary of his death... these things are hard to type and not feel like they are somehow disrespectful to his memory.

We do what we can. My heart goes out to you and your family. Please feel free to e-mail me if you or your family want to chat, ask questions, or just unload and tell stories of rememberance. I know it helps...

hug hug hug hug hug


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Valura
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 6391
Posted:Im so deeply saddened to hear this. Know in your heart that whatever questions you have asked your brother he will answer for you, and when he does you will know he is near you.
I have sent a whole lot of reiki to you and all your family and espically your brother.
hug hug hug hug


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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Ade
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

Are we there yet?
Location: australia

Total posts: 1897
Posted:my thoughts are with you hug

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maus
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

maus

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia

Total posts: 4191
Posted:frown hug
"say not in grief 'he is no more',but live in thankfulness that he was."
Hebrew Proverb

can't even beigin to imagine the effect this has had on you all.please forgive me for borrowing the words of others but they just seem so fitting.

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him
Or you it can be full of the love you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remeber him,and only that he has gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind and be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what he would want:smile,open your eyes,
love and go on.

Anonymous

so many thoughts are with you,and so much good energy being sent over to you.

angel hug angel


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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Hey Barry hug

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother frown pm is on its way.


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London, UK

Total posts: 6942
Posted:hug

you have my thoughts ... thats all i can send hug

and you have been missed hug


back

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squarefish
SILVER Member since Sep 2002

(...trusty steed of the rodeo midget...)
Location: the state of flux

Total posts: 403
Posted:Hi doc,
I'm at home again for a couple of weeks, come on over any time you want,
Martin


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doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:right. im going to start one to one counselling soon. i got the numbers for some very good berevement counsellors in dublin who are specified in suicide councelling. but before i do. this forum is still the easiest place i have to share my feelings. im gonna start writing my thoughts down in a book , like i did when i was going thru a very hard time a few years ago. anyways... i have one question, im sure someone will be able to help me with it. alot of people are saying that i shud get out and get active, 'get your mind off things'. but i cant think about my emotions , even when im not doing anything, if im sitting in the flat , i feel comfortable and dont realy want to do anything, i recon that might be the early stages of depresson. i have things to keep m,yselff busy, but i dont real want to! i want to come to terms ith the emotions im incapable of realising. am i fighting a losing battler and just wait 'till therapy starts?

There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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TinklePants
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr

Total posts: 4217
Posted:Honey, the pain will never go away, it just gets easier to deal eventually as time passes.
Think about the times you enjoyed together, keeping his memory alive means he's not ever truly gone.
If you find yourself having a laugh with mates and suddenly feel guilty about feeling happy for a moment - dont be - just think about how your brother would enjoy the moment instead of getting depressed.
Share the fun memories with others who knew him instead of dwelling on his death.
Also, stay strong - your family needs you as much as you need them xxx
hug


Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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Adya Miriyana
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Adya Miriyana

*slou?
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 6554
Posted:ohno.. this is the most terrible news.. ubbcrying

remember that there are so many people thinking of you and your family, and that he'll always be there too hug


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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Hey Barry hug

I think people are right to tell you and go out - hiding at home is bad, I did that when I was very unhappy and I nearly got stuck in the habit. It's only natural to feel like you do, but (and yet another phrase) your brother would have wanted you to go out and be happy, I'm sure.

If you don't want to think about how you feel, wait until you start councelling, but don't just hide away until then smile Talk to Helene and your friends and tell them to kick your arse to go out and do stuff even if you say you don't want to smile Hope you're feeling better soon hug2


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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blu_valley
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

blu_valley

fluffy mess
Location: Brighton

Total posts: 197
Posted:I mostly agree with the others, but you need more alone time with yourself to reflect and heal from within. Dont beat yourself up about not going out and keeping a bit more to yourself because this alone time is important..just make sure that it doesnt carry on for too long and that you dont cut the world out or anything, thats when it becomes a bad thing.

I know the feeling dude, same thing happened to me a few years ago.Take your time and dont let anyone else pressure you into thinking you feel something that you dont. Share your thoughts and fears with those closest to you, through this you will find some solace and learn to accept that you will never know the answers to the questions you have. Focus on all the beautiful things and you will find some peace.

My thoughts are with you.
Much love
hug


"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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GlitterBubble
SILVER Member since Sep 2005

member
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 39
Posted:I am another one who has lost their brother, so I cried as soon as I started to read your message just now.

I lost mine 2 1/2 years ago in a car accident. He was 31. Different circumstances, but equally as sudden and unfair. Our families pain was at it's worst for around a year before it started to become a bit more bearable, but of course, it is always there.

I agree with your mum that he was needed for a higher purpose with God and the Angels. We say that too.

Sending you and your family heaps of love and big hugs hug

Cyndi


I love HOT chillies!

*me: Guess what? I'm learning how to eat fire!
*husband: well, you do love hot food.....

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LazyAngel
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

LazyAngel

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Cambridge UK

Total posts: 2895
Posted:May peace soon be brought to the hearts and minds of all your family
hug


Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

Total posts: 4030
Posted:Going out,staying in... whatever you do or wherever you are, it's likely that you are still living in a state of shock.. that can go on for ages, a numbness, a lack of engagement with things and activities around you. Some people manifest shock in lots of rushing around... others in a quieter way. If you feel comfortable at home, and gradually come to feel and do things more strongly.. fine...in some ways that is healthier in the long terms than rushing about...

Best wishes and thanks for letting us know what is happening with you.


.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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Ry
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Ry

Gromit's Humble Squire
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 4496
Posted:Hi Barry, I only just stumbled across this thread, and wanted to say I'm deeply sorry for your loss. A guy I worked with years ago jumped out the window of a six-storey apartment block and didn't survive. Never really liked the guy, but still felt something at the fact he decided to die. I can only imagine how it'd be to have it be someone close to you instead, and just the thought makes my heart ache. It's been a couple of months now, and though I'm sure it doesn't really make the pain hurt any less, I hope that maybe it's becoming easier to come to terms with it. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. hug

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Page: 12

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