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Forums > Social Chat > Can you be friends after a break-up?

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DFZ
BRONZE Member since Apr 2004

DFZ

Christian Death Metal Anyone?
Location: Ipswich, Queensland

Total posts: 313
Posted:I got to work this morning and the first email i recieved was from my girlfriend (now Ex). We've been having problems for the last month and today she decided to end our relationship.

This was my first "Real" Relationship and We still want to be friends.

Can this work? Has it worked for you? Any tips would be great and much appreciated!


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

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Pigeon_Wigeon
BRONZE Member since Dec 2004

Pigeon_Wigeon

Say what?
Location: Surrey/Portsmouth

Total posts: 4760
Posted:Yeah of course it can!! I'm friends will all my ex's every single one!! You just need to give them a bit of time then forgive and forget... you cant have a new friendship until you forget the past and let it go smile Then.. just build up a friendship slowly or as normal.. depends on the the other person and ... VOILA!!! Oh.. but if the other person doesnt want to be friends... you cant force it biggrin

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ado-p
GOLD Member since May 2004

ado-p

Pirate Ninja
Location: Galway/Ireland

Total posts: 3882
Posted:Yes indeed you can.

sometimes its no problem. other times it take work and patience

its worth it though.

best of luck to you

hug


Love is the law.

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Posted:I think so as well (howdo this is me only second post!! Woo woo)!

E.g. I have seen one of my mates lose a girl friend but now years later they're both at uni and are sometimes unseperable! They tell each other everything. So just because i've seen a few cases work i'm going to go for aye aye! biggrin


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Sakura_Moon


Sakura_Moon

Hop's Kitten Jester.
Location: Wonderland igloo, Vic, Austral...

Total posts: 1803
Posted:In all honesty, i have never stayed friends with an ex
Too painful.
And if she broke up with you by e mail?...e mail?
*sigh*
maybe i'm just bitter lol
disregard what i say


.:Pink Exocutioner:.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct...

Loving you from the deepest part of my loins.


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ben-ja-men
GOLD Member since Jun 2003

ben-ja-men

just lost .... evil init
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 2474
Posted:i think its definately possible to stay friends whether there is an underlying sexual tention that is generated is a whole other story, i think it depends how long you went out and what feelings where around at the breakup and if one person wants the other back or not (in which case they arnt being honest with themselves and the other person).

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?

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DFZ
BRONZE Member since Apr 2004

DFZ

Christian Death Metal Anyone?
Location: Ipswich, Queensland

Total posts: 313
Posted:Well now that it has been a few hours i have done alot of self reflecting. We have had a brief talk and decided to have a break and then try to build a friendship from there. It will be weird, we talked everyday for the last 11 months.

Thankyou for all your help and i would still appreciate any other comments.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

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ImmortalAngel
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

Scientist!
Location: Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Total posts: 578
Posted:I saw my girlfriend everyday for a year and a half, even if it meant seeing each other at incredibly awkward hours in the morning or evening.
We broke up and stayed in touch and talked now and then and hung out now and then, but we weren't really good friends, as much as we wanted to be, it was very awkward for us.
Her father died very recently (infact, the funeral is in about 10 hours).
I have been with her every day since it happened.
Here's what makes it all worse. He lost his life on March the 24th. My Birthday is March the 25th (good friday this year), and I was having people over on the 25th to hang out (hey, any reason for a party is a good reason).
So I spent all of the 24th hugging her and letting her cry onto my shoulder.
I spent all of the 25th hugging her and letting her cry onto my shoulder.
She stayed the night of the 25th and 26th and when she woke up crying, it would be into my shoulder.
I have been there with her on the 28th (the 27th she went shopping for something to wear for the funeral with her cousin) with ehr crying into my shoulder.
I was there on the 29th at the visitation with her all day, holding her hand, comforting her and letting her cry into my shoulder, and at her final good bye when it was just her me and her father, I was holding her as we both cried into each other.
and tomorrow, on the 30th, I will be there at the funeral holding her hand, as we cry into each other again.
And I may be there on the 31st if she needs me to cry or hang out with, and any other day she needs me.
I think sometimes it just takes a bit of a kick into reality to realize that you really are best friends and really do care for each other. I hope our relationship is better after this.


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> STAY SAFE! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

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pineapple pete
SILVER Member since Sep 2004

pineapple pete

water based
Location: melbourne

Total posts: 5125
Posted:all of my relationships that have resulted in lets just be friends, have resulted in little to no talkin.
its very hard to make work

cheers, pete biggrin


"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*

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Flame
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

Flame

addict
Location: VIC, MELB

Total posts: 435
Posted:Heya,
I think taking a break will help you take in the situation. I myself have decided to do just that. I was with my ex for two and half - 3 years and i fell pregnant and he left at 5 months pregnant. I kept slight contact as you can imagine i was still quite mad but its been about 10 months with very small amounts of contact and i've decided i dont want to see or speak to him for about six months cos - still had too strong feelings for him. So am actually doing much better taking a break so maybe only maybe could we be actual friends again one day - especially so Tristan can have a mummy and daddy who atleast like each other. Good luck and having a break may help you reestablish your ideas and feelings for your ex and situation. ubbrollsmile


*In the car while Pink is playing on the radio*
Tristan aged 4 : "Mum is this Pink?"
Flame:"Yes mate this is Pink?"
Tristan:"Are you going to Pink?"
Flame:"Yes i am"
Tristan:"Cool well I'm going to BLUE" smile

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The Tea Fairy
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...

Total posts: 853
Posted:Don't want to ravage any hopes, but it can be REALLY HARD. My advice would be to make sure you do not let what your mates say influence your feelings too much, especially if you have mutual friends. I was with my first boyfriend for about 5 years, we split when I went to uni and I couldn't deal with the long distance thing, plus my head was a mess (I had this idea that he was too good for me, I was feeling suffocated by lots of things in my life at that time).

We agreed to stay friends, it worked for a while. We still called each other to talk and met up when I was at home in the holidays. I'd even slept in his bed when we'd split up, nothing sexual happened and it was really nice just staying up late, talking and having a cuddle. After that other people started interfering and the mood changed.

First, his mates pointed out that it was now ok for him to sleep with lots of girls so he did. And he talked about it quite a bit when I was around, think he was trying to give me the 'i'm getting over you, it's not so bad' message but i just felt a bit gutted. I knew he'd want to sleep with other people, naturally, I just wasn't expecting him to get through quite as many people in a few weeks.

Then some of our friends started telling me that it wasn't fair on him for me to see him every day and still give him hugs. They said I wasn't giving him space and I was stopping him from getting on with things.

Also, I knew every one of our friends was trying to figure out the whys and whats of our broken relationship, but they never asked me about it. Instead they avoided talking about my ex and what he was up to in front of me, even though we were still friends and I didn't care about him moving on. So I backed off, got very paranoid about things and now I don't call him and he doesn't call me. It's sad really, but we're both still growing as people on our own. We left things on good terms, I know I can still count on him if I ever feel the need to contact him. We also both learnt a lot about the 'friends' we had at the time, it turns out most of them did not have our best interests at heart.

Anyways, good luck to you both! If you can still be honest with each other, if you can both still make each other happy through friendship alone then there's no reason it can't work out ok. The important thing is to recognise if the situation is making you more miserable than you would be without the friendship, that's when you have to move on. Just my two cents. Take care of yourself. hug


Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

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i8beefy2
GOLD Member since Mar 2003

i8beefy2

addict
Location: Ohio, USA

Total posts: 674
Posted:I don't know. I wish I could say one or the other. Every situation is different. I couldn't with my last relationship... because I was truthful to myself and realized I couldnt let go if we continued any kind of relationship. But I still believe it is possible.

Good luck on whatever you choose. I hope everything works out.


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strugz
BRONZE Member since Mar 2002

strugz

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Southampton - Possibly...

Total posts: 3964
Posted:Hey man

yeh i think you can stay friends, but its not easy.........

I split with my ex about 2-3months ago now, we see eachother everynow and then, yeh it hurts and there is still sexual tension but its worth keeping control of as we have had a great freindship for about 3 years, i dont want to throw all that away.......

I think each situation is differant, but its definately possible if you really want it biggrin


"...We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing......."

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Vixen
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

Vixen

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Oxfordshire/Wiltshire

Total posts: 3276
Posted:It depends on why it is that u split up i guess.

I tried to be friends with my ex but our break up was nasty and after a few months of trying to get along we realised that it just wouldnt work out and i havent seen or heard from in months now... i know that its hard to let go of someone that u really care/d about but at the end of the day its gona hurt either way and altho i was really upset i know that deep down it was better for us to go seperate ways. xxx


tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:In my opinion, it can work. It's very hard, especially when things are moving at a pace you're not quite ready for.



I split up with my ex for the second time (the first time it was because she 'had fallen in love' with one of my best friends, then after she had enough of him, I stupidly took her back after she told me she was wrong and that I was the one she felt destined to be with forever) Anyway, we promised to remain friends, and that we would take time and get used to not being with eachother. We told eachother everything. Then, After a week, I found out that she had been slept with a random guy at my friends' party, and had tried to keep it secret from me by blatently lying to me.



Then, a week later, she did exactly the same thing again, but this time with a good friend of mine. She could see how much it hurt me, but still she insisted on me hanging out with them, having to see my good friend doing with her what I longed for at the time. It was as if she wanted to rub it into my face. She even turned on the guilt trip by saying that I LIED when I said I wanted to remain friends, but had spent most of my time avoiding them becuase everytime I saw her, it made me physically sick, I wanted her so much. At this time, we lived in work accommodation together, just three doors apart. I even told her how I was feeling, and that was the response I got.



One month later, They're engaged. I asked her if she knew what she was doing, Her reply was, "you know me, I need to have the security in a relationship, nothing more". That showed me how much anybody meant to her. I was gutted that I had fallen for her in such a big way.



Two weeks after that, she's pregnant, and booked in for an abortion.



It made me feel like I meant nothing to her. I started hating her for making me feel like a piece of censored, and for being so selfish in not allowing me time to get used to things. Now, I try not to talk to her at all. I don't have any feelings for her at all, but I can't get over how much pain she caused me, and how little an effect it had on her.



So, yeah, It can work, but my advice is, both of you, TAKE THINGS SLOWLY. I'm still not 100% on the relationship front. She changed the way I used to think. I still believe I'm not good enough to deserve a happy relationship. I keep expecting things to go tits-up after about three months of being in a relationship, and even if it doesn't happen, I somehow without realising it make it happen because a good relationship is something I've never experienced before. I'm still really paranoid of getting hurt again, even though my Fiancee now is so lovely and there is no chance of that happening. The words 'Vicious Circle' come to mind. Things might have been different if we had just turned around and said 'I never want to speak to you again'.


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:Sorry bit of a rant there...

That was actually the first time I've told anyone what happened apart from my fiancee. Wow, felt good!!


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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Vixen
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

Vixen

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Oxfordshire/Wiltshire

Total posts: 3276
Posted:Im really sorry to hear all that, i know how much it hurts when you see someone you love being so irresponsible and hurtful... it makes u start to doubt everything that you were as a couple. I hope you are happy now. xxx

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:To be perfectly honest, I don't know if I am or not. Logic tells me yes, Everything is the best it has ever been and ever will be, but experience tells me to be careful.

I know that my fiancee is not my ex, and that she wouldn't do the same thing to me, and that I love her more than anyting else in the world, but at the same time, the past keeps showing it's ugly face


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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gita
SILVER Member since Oct 2003

gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas

Total posts: 3776
Posted:hug

i believe you can be friends with an ex...but that can depend on your relationship before you got together too!! even if it is your first 'real' relationship! i was with my ex for four years, and friends for a year before that! despite the fact he's now left the country (to teach english!) we seem to be pretty good mates again! it's been over a year now since we split. it was hard and wierd for the first few months, but eventually we started seeing each other around a bit and talking on msn and actually talking too.

just don't try to force it! if you are meant to be friends again, you will be!! smile

hug


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

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UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel


Total posts: 15414
Posted:With some people yes.
Others no.

With some its too painful to be near them, but not able to touch them in the way you could when you were together.
Thats one thing that tears me up inside right through my heart and I hate it.
I cant simply forget about someone i have feelings for.

ubbcrying


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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast

Total posts: 5967
Posted:hug for Jon and everyone who hurts

Getting to the other side smile

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ado-p
GOLD Member since May 2004

ado-p

Pirate Ninja
Location: Galway/Ireland

Total posts: 3882
Posted:ditto

there are some people that are too hard to see

there are others that no matter how hard it is I would want to put in the time and effort.

good freinds are worth holding onto. thats the bottom line here.


Love is the law.

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:i have a couple of great mates who i used to date, we get on so well its great. i actaully think i am getting far too old for this relationship thingy, friends tend to last longer. The sexual tension i guess can be hard. saying that i have a couple of ex's who are just so much of a waste of space no one would miss them if they fell of the earth. so yup i guess it depends on you both.
i do hope it all works out for the best though every one should be happy hug hug


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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minimaniac


minimaniac

The Ladiees Man
Location: near swindon/ oxford

Total posts: 360
Posted:it is always bad to say this but some times it works and other times it don't. to stay mates i find that you should still do things together after the break up but never expect anything to come back from it! but this only applys when you break up on good terms. if she did something bad or yourself then they are a waste of space in your life and need not clog it up!

I'm going to leave the army and run away to the circus

if not i will just become a MI5 agent !!!

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minimaniac


minimaniac

The Ladiees Man
Location: near swindon/ oxford

Total posts: 360
Posted:blunt i know but life goes on, and love hurts if you get no reply!

I'm going to leave the army and run away to the circus

if not i will just become a MI5 agent !!!

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UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel


Total posts: 15414
Posted:"there are some people that are too hard to see

there are others that no matter how hard it is I would want to put in the time and effort."

You dont know how true that really is.

Well.. you probably do. umm

and if it is a mixture of the two........ its even harder.


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ado-p
GOLD Member since May 2004

ado-p

Pirate Ninja
Location: Galway/Ireland

Total posts: 3882
Posted:absolutley

its a judgement call everytime

mental health first though. mine that is.

smile


Love is the law.

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PK_
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

PK_

Lambretta Fanatic


Total posts: 4993
Posted:my best mate is my ex of 4 years sarah.
last week i spent two days with her to say goodbye as i leave the country in 8 days time, she has to have been the hardest person to say goodbye to so far more so than having to say goodbye to my familly.
Best mates are hard to find yet even though i cant just call her up now and say hey im coming over for coffee i can still call her up.
she just broke up with her partner and the first person she called on was me, we have a lot of history together i will never forget that, it is always possible to stay friends with an ex.
last night i had a little leaving gathering at work, i have lived with my last ex's sister and her familly for over 6 months now and worked for them for a year and a half, my ex's parents came accross also to see me before i leave the pub tommorrow, im still friends with my ex too, but i leave her to her own life now that she is with some one else and is currently expecting a baby since we broke up 8 months ago, i dont care i would sooner have friendships than enemies even if there was once a close relationship.

Dont be bitter, get on with it as every thing happens for a reason, if it hurts you set it free.

:hugs: to you my friend, i know it can be hard but there are better people and better things for you out there.


PK.

"To be an angel, one need not have wings.
In giving love there is an equal grace.
Nor need one seek the aura in the face,
As love unveils the beauty of all things."

*Francois Couperin.

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PrayerFireAngel
BRONZE Member since Mar 2005

PrayerFireAngel

member
Location: Merced, Ca

Total posts: 30
Posted:My point of view on this situation was that if you didn't have children with the ex then their was no point being friends or staying in contact with them. Usually once their is a breakup in my life I no longer stay in contact with the ex. It has been 2+ years since my ex left me for a "woman of the evening". He was always friends with his ex girlfriends which I wouldn't have minded so much but he hung out with them quite a bit which I didn't appreciate especially on my days off. Our breakup was definately messy & more complicated than time allows me to write here. I have no desire to ever be friends with him again. On the other hand my Best Friend now is an ex from the past & I hope that I never have to be without him ever again. Their was no messy breakup with Us & I am glad that he decided to pursue a relationship/friendship with me after our not talking for 2 years while I was with the other ex. It wasn't until shortly after we started talking again I realized that I have been in Love with him for over 5 years now & I have no plans on giving him up ever again. They say time heals all wounds. Another ex called me and apologized after 8 years. I was also in therapy for over a year after my last breakup which definately helped. Their are no easy/cut and dry answers here. We never know which road our lives will take.

May All Your Prayers Be Heard...

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Hubert_Cumberdale
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

Hubert_Cumberdale

[psylocibin fingerbobe].
Location: London

Total posts: 479
Posted:It's not impossible to be good friends after a break up. It has a lot to do with the circumstances of your split.

Hope it works out for you either way.


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Tao Star


Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol

Total posts: 1662
Posted:i'm trying to be friends with my ex at the moment.

it's been 5 months now but still excricuating every time i see him. still, we never stopped seeing eachother, it talkes linger, but we didn't want it ever to be weird, and i really isn't. hard, but not weird, and definatley worth it. even when i went through the stage of..


'you kicked me out of your house....and made me chop my dreads off...and you still have my favourite t shirt....etc.etc.'


ho hum. ubbloco


I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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