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Mint Sauce
veteran
Location: Lancs England
Member Since: 7th Sep 2003
Total posts: 1453
Posted:MEMORANDUM



TO: The Citizens of the United States of America
RE: Revocation of your Independence

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "[censored]". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your cooperation.


before i met those lot i thought they'd be a bunch of dreadlocked hippies that smoked, set things on fire ,and drank a lot of tea but then when i met them....oh wait (PyroWill)

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MiG
MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG
Member Since: 16th Apr 2004
Total posts: 3415
Posted:good call. well done smile

"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:I liked reading this.



The part about Roundabouts is particularly true.



smile

EDITED_BY: Unsaturated Carpets Of Freedom (1101061845)


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stroo
stroo

trusty sidekick to superman
Location: oxford, england, uk
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2003
Total posts: 799
Posted:teeeheee! ubblol

Livin' on dreams and custard creams

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Ifrit
Ifrit

The GF of HoP
Location: Somerset, England
Member Since: 17th Aug 2004
Total posts: 492
Posted:Ha! God save the queen (the sponging censored)
EDITED_BY: Ifrit (1101053151)


fire leads to creation

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:haha, no one living in the states has replied yet biggrin.. hmmmmm..
i liked it tho.. esp. that part about their "beer"
theres a joke by monty python about that:
what do american beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

theyre both f***ing close to water!! ubblol beerchug ubblol


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Narr
Narr

(*) (*) .. for the gnor ;)
Location: sitting on the step
Member Since: 15th Apr 2003
Total posts: 2568
Posted:TEE HEE HEE smile

i agree with UCOF round-a-bouts are definely vital to the understanding of the british humoUr wink


(whats my guess that theres an american out there trying to write a return to that ubblol )


she who sees from up high smiles

Patrick badger king: *they better hope there's never a jihad on stupidity*

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:yeh and its taking him a good while, come on US! give us your best shot! he he nice one tobi

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:well the fact is i think this country sux so...........

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:well your country is soon to be our country so dont worry you dont need to put up with it for too long

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:I laughed so much I wet myself.

ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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Cantus
Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road
Member Since: 30th Jul 2001
Total posts: 15965
Posted:*moves to sit slightly further away from Miss Frog and her rapidly expanding puddle*

"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Cantus
Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road
Member Since: 30th Jul 2001
Total posts: 15965
Posted:Written by: the memorandum thingy
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".







I like it biggrin


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:It's alright Cantus. It was virtual wee wee, and I've cleaned it up with the virtual mop.

In my first couple of years at school there was a girl that wet herself everyday. no one would sit by her cos of the puddle.
Did we feel bad when she died in the third year!


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:eek

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flid
flid

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Warwickshire
Member Since: 27th Aug 2002
Total posts: 3136
Posted:wink

saw this floating around the net during the 2000 election cock-up, as far as i know that's when it originated.

Of course it's still relavent smile


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stroo
stroo

trusty sidekick to superman
Location: oxford, england, uk
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2003
Total posts: 799
Posted:thats horrible!

Written by: Fryed Fish

well the fact is i think this country sux so...........



well you must be in the 2.15% then, hehe


Livin' on dreams and custard creams

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:mint, i think you just started a major virtual war between the UK and the US here on HoP.. no americans seem to be replying, and thats a bad sign.. let me once more express my admiration for posting tho biggrin

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stickman
World Champ Procrastinator
Location: ||...lost...||
Member Since: 25th Jul 2004
Total posts: 580
Posted:mint, i think you just started a major virtual war between the UK and the US here on HoP.. no americans seem to be replying, and thats a bad sign.. let me once more express my admiration for posting tho biggrinhihi

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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:that was awesome man , i loved it ubblol ubblol ubblol

i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:well, here's your reply from the US tongue-
and btw, i'm about to become an expatriate, so, i don't think I can represent anyone. regardless:

1. All english spelling systems are obnoxious, and no one in the US can spell anything anyway so changing things won't help tongue
2. Agreed about the shires. I think it would be awesome!
3. Can we just ban all tv produced by either nation?
/me doesn't like tv.... probably shouldnt be allowed to comment.
4. I can't allow you to kill the 2.5% or so of good people by switching the side of the road we drive on, as no one else will get it and they'll kill the good people in head ons.
5. But we should have more roundabouts!
6. And yes, no more american cars, although american japanese cars are still doing well.
7. please please please get rid of american football!
8. There's nothing wrong with playing baseball if they change the world series to the US series and stop paying people to play it tongue
9. Americans can't even distinguish accents in the country unless they are southern. The people, not the accents. Even southern accents get confused with other things. Don't ask. And people still tell me i have a british accent *sighs*...... its hopeless.
10. can we just ban american budweiser from being sold?
11. i wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to therapists. but yes, its overkill. and we need to trim the lawyer herds to about 1/1000th the size and lock them up. *kidding....mostly tongue*
12. Even though we can't figure out how to protest when the election process gets [censored] up, our actual laws arn't much worse than yours. In four years, yeah, we'll all be running screaming (well, whoever is left). But right now annexation with england would preserve a status quo legally that i and many others disagree with.
/disclaimer/
of course we are doing much worse things with said laws and many many illegal and unconstitutional and stupid things, but this doesn't change the lawbooks.

i think i hit everything amusing

you should also probably ban american teas, they are a little..... inferior.

-K :P ubbrollsmile


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:hmmm this is most suspicious that we are getting no comebacks from the US of A, what could they be doing I wonder *ponders* maybe the same thing they do every night pinkie! try to take over the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:ubblol I haven't seen that cartoon in years!

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:its damn brilliant, i can normally do the best impression, but right now my voice has totally gone!

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:I've got a mate that does Pinkie perfectly... pwease tell me you can do Brain?

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:i can do both! semlessley if thats the right spelling, one of my only skills is voice impressions

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:OOooOOooh! biggrin

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:with pinkie its all about not pronouncing the R in Brain,what an art form!

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted::shinywide-eyedsmilie:

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:well when im next back home in surrey i'll do it for ya

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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TheGuru
TheGuru

newbie
Location: Stockholm, Sweden
Member Since: 18th Aug 2004
Total posts: 19
Posted:Great stuff, most is very true in my oppinion. But if you ever been to Asia (Japan, Korea or such) you will see Baseball is a big sport outside the US.meditate

Great stuff tho! ubblol


Swedish fire twirler from Stockholm

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