Forums > Social Chat > Which circle of hell are YOU going to?

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18 posts

This is taken from

Circle One: Almost every student struggling through a Catholic school education inevitably arrives at the theological question: What happens to innocent people who are not baptized through no fault of their own? The Church invented "limbo" for this concept; Dante made it the first circle of Hell, a sort of Hell Lite. The first circle of Hell offers a kinder, gentler repose for noble pagans born before Christ and other generally cool historical figures who happen not to be Christians, such as Homer, Ovid, Socrates and presumably figures like Ghandi and maybe Malcolm X. Captives in the First Circle of Hell were subjected mostly to the ravages of generalized anxiety disorder without the benefit of Paxil but with all the side effects (nausea, asthenia, constipation, infection, dry mouth, yawn, diarrhea, sweating, decreased appetite, sleepiness, dizziness, insomnia, tremor, nervousness, and sexual side effects).

Circle Two: Lust! As the most understandable of the major sins, lust only makes circle two of Hell, where lustful lovers are tossed about by stormy winds and forbidden from making wild monkey love. Home to Cleopatra, Tristan and Isolde, the Marquis de Sade and eventually Larry Flynt.

Circle Three: Gluttons live here, and are punished for their gluttony by being subjected to bad weather. Seasonal affective disorder is a bitch! There's also a big dog. Captives include Chris Farley and Divine.

Circle Four: You don't hear a lot about avarice these days, but the medieval mindset classified it as a major sin. The greedy are condemned here to working for the man every night and day, doing pointless and menial tasks. Future residents include Bill Gates and Martha Stewart.

Circle Five: The angry spend eternity duking it out here, naked in a vast river of jello (or possibly water, my Italian is a bit rusty). Look for Sean Penn, Dick Cheney and Jerry Falwell.

Circle Six: This circle of Hell is filled with "heretics," by which Dante mostly means Muslims (though to be fair, Hell has several Popes in residence as well). This circle would technically also include figures like Aleister Crowley, Jack Parsons, Martin Luther and Rael. Rumor has it John Ashcroft is planning random sweeps through the Sixth Circle in search of Terrorists. Everyone in the Sixth Circle is just an ordinary guy, BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE.

Circle Seven: Ah, violence! You gotta love violence! Dante classified three kinds of violence against self, against others and against God. Inhabitants spotted by Dante included Attila the Hun and Alexander the Great. Since this category includes warmongers, George W Bush is a potential future inmate. Dante's definition of "violence against God" inexplicably includes sodomy, which he classes as a more serious crime than murder, so the Seventh Circle could potentially host Robert Mapplethorpe and Oscar Wilde, who would be flayed on burning sands, while Adolf Hitler would merely be turned into a tree for the crime of Suicide. There is no justice.

Circle Eight: If the Seventh Circle offended your sensibilities, the Eighth is simply baffling. In the next worst circle of Hell, the sufferings of the damned would be inflicted on those who have committed the following sins (all of which are deemed more evil than murder and warmongering). In order of increasing severity: Pandering, flattery, hypocrisy, fortune telling, theft, giving bad advice, instigating trouble, alchemy, impersonation, counterfeiting, lying, and being a giant.

Circle Nine: The Ninth Circle is for betrayers of every stripe, with all the big names in betraying thoroughly represented. Judas, Brutus, Cassius, Benedict Arnold, John Wayne Bobbit, Big Pussy from the Sopranos, Cain, Lando Calrissian, Jim Bakker, Richard M. Nixon, the Rosenbergs, Randy Savage, and finally, frozen in hell's center, Satan himself. Judas, Cassius and Brutus are actually being eternally chewed by Satan, who has an intense dislike for Shakespearean characters.

Personally i'm going to the sixth circle, or possible the eigth.
How about you?

Makes you wonder really.

PsyriSILVER Member
1,576 posts
Location: Berkshire, UK

8th lol... fortune telling n witchy interests... oh dear... good thing I dont believe in that shit besides Se7en also helped the jobby by making me realise this shit is for psychos.... oh well.

Red_RaveNGOLD Member
Neo - Hippie
358 posts
Location: Sala, Slovakia

tremble ye sinners for the hour of the last court hath cometh... or whatever...: o ) anywayz, if you really want to find out where you belong try this test. I'll meet you n the second circle!!

Smile.. It confuses people..:)

Wonders never cease as long as you never cease to wonder.

1,463 posts
Location: Florida

Definately two before the quiz...

um... the test said I would go to the seventh level... seven is my lucky number...


[ 28. June 2003, 09:55: Message edited by: dromepixie ]


Dr.NoodleHeadBRONZE Member
170 posts
Location: The Giant Mushroom, United Kingdom

Well, I thought I was an 8, but the test put me as a 7 (with 1 and 2 close behind!).

What d'you have to score to go somewhere nice and fluffy with nice weather and good tunes? I'll be good, honest

Mebbe I should go for cryogenic storage......

Fish are just like trees except they move and they're invisible

Paddyback from the dead...sort of
884 posts
Location: 4341'N 7938'W

I only have to go to level two.
Yay!...I think.

25 posts
Location: Preston England

the seventh level of hell is where im bound for apparently....

ho hum

... learn to swim ...

flowingchaliceBRONZE Member
180 posts
Location: Leicester, uk

Level 2 for me as well then!

Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside wakes C G Jung

Pink...?BRONZE Member
Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
6,140 posts
Location: Over There, United Kingdom


I only go to the first level of Hell!

I get to share eternity with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle! And no punishment.

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Dark Pixiemember
47 posts
Location: somewhere.....?

Meet you all in circle number 7... we shall have much company, it seems... Oh well, not a Christian so hell doesn't exist. Neither does heavan, actually.

Roman candles that burn in the night, yeah you are a shining light

birdgirlBRONZE Member
48 posts
Location: scotland

damnit,im all alone on level six,just me and the heretics pah

spig--------Its not big and its not clever.

42 posts
Location: hobbs NM

i took that test and i made it to great of a thing as that is, it kinda sucks, cuz i hear that spinning fir is great in level 3...oh well

posi vegan straight edge

18 posts
Location: india

all hell are here in this existing worldone to seven or ten what ever you feel or experienced

557 posts
Location: The Underworld


Level two!!!

This would truly be the worst kind of hell for moi. No sex, and lots of wind...I hate wind!


Az abouve, So below...

2,364 posts
Location: austin,tx

weird. i hATe wind too.
since my childhood, it has been my nemesis.

two for me, did you expect anything else from the scorpionic ilk?

-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

AalatheaGOLD Member
80 posts
Location: Massachusetts, US, USA

i guess i'll be keeping a lot of you company in level 7 too.
with level 1 as a second.

KajiQuantum Theorist
564 posts
Location: Vansterdam

I'm off to level 8
no problem I'm sure I can black mail, flatter, and scam my way to the top and be in charge.

oh wait, I'm not a christian. Hell doesn't exist oh I would have done well if there was

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird, now the world is weird and they take prozac to make it normal again.

The_Pirate_Dyke_BoyHOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
1,079 posts
Location: Canterbury, UK

haha your all going to hell! im an angel so i just get to go home but i'll put in a good word with the deity, perhaps your punishments could be t spin for all eternity at St. Michael's barracks for entertainment!!!!

X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Raphael96SILVER Member
old hand
899 posts
Location: New York City, USA

I wrote a term paper in high school called "Popes in Hell" about why Celestine and Boniface were placed by Dante in hell.

It upset quite a few of my fellow classmates.

I'm sure I'll end up in the 2nd circle.

..because I am an honest pervert.


King Of Bongoaddict
522 posts
Location: Berlin

g'damit, musta left that runed staff I nicked back at stone henge after smacking people with it at the orgy!

Doh- as you mighta guessed, I scored pretty high on 1,2 and 8- but 7 took the prize...

off to dwell upon my sins and perhaps repent a little.

Your life is ending one minute at a time...
So live it.

Nephtysresident fridge magnet
835 posts
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

I'd tell you which creative soul came up with this, but i don't know where it came from! Enjoy, anyway - who's for the tenth circle then?

Tenth Circle added to rapidly growing Hell

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.

"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."

Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen," Antedeus said.

Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1999, however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.

Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal supporters of the new circle.

"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve."

Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make possible."

Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products.

The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever."

In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.

"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for mercy like a goddamn woman ever since."

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: "It's hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly blinking the message, 'Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'"

He then resumed screaming in agony.

Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle.

"Things are definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity has to offer."

"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an exciting time to be in Hell."

everyone's unique except me

184 posts
Location: London

lol that's really good. Thanks for posting it.

I'm in the 7th circle, but scored equally high on limbo and level 3. How come I end up in level 7 then?? That sucks.

I think I'd better go out and have some sinful fun now while I can!

tennisBRONZE Member
confused and abused
363 posts
Location: bristol, United Kingdom

Limbo baby
i'm an angel

How did i get that?

My cat's breath smells like catfood

Tai... grrrrrmember
34 posts
Location: a dry dusty type of hell i don't quite understand ...

yea, apparently i'm a very bad person or something. I got 1 extreme (7th) 2 very highs, 2 highs. oh well, maybe i do live with some twisted sense of morality. but as it's kept me out of jail or court, so it can't be that bad... right? So, perhaps if it is so acceptable here to be hell bound, either it is much too easy to go there or the world is just a testing ground for damned souls.

~i vote reincarnation, I'll come back as a louse~

Strive to Love everything for exactly what it is. Even though you can never understand all the extents of anything.

Tai... grrrrrmember
34 posts
Location: a dry dusty type of hell i don't quite understand ...

OK, so i'm slow on the uptake.. but i just realized that the which hell test had some questions that sugested that oral sex, anal sex, homosexual acts, and masterbation was bad. What gives? I thought it was just clean fun! Not to mention a logical solution to population controll.

Strive to Love everything for exactly what it is. Even though you can never understand all the extents of anything.

1,359 posts
Location: London/ Surrey

innocent ickle me is headed for limbo.

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

33 posts
Location: Cleveland

always follow the great double duality of P.L.U.R. and you are not going to ever experience suffering :-)))))))) unless you understand Love more broadly than was originally meant

seriously tho, you can flame me, but I'll say it, religion does not deserve to be around in this age of knowledge. ESPECIALLY Catholicism. Christianity might have a bit of purpose exsisting for a bit longer, until people realize that all the good is inside their own heads and learn to show the best of it. But it also HAS TO GO eventually. breeds nothing but confused individuals anyways.

love everyone,


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