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Forums > Social Discussion > Can I have feedback on my personal statement?

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Location: San Mateo, CA
Member Since: 10th Nov 2005
Total posts: 19
Posted:NOTE: what they are looking for:

Presented with information and ideas in a focused, in-depth, thoughtful, and meaningful manner.

Supported ideas with specific examples.

Include information on my personal qualities such as leadership abilities, self-discipline, tenacity, maturation, commitment to others.

Show meaningful participation not just a list in activities that have enriched your education.

I need to be "unique"

Describe your experiences as a leader, the type of person who makes things happen, a catalyst who motivates others, who initiates something that meets a perceived need.


What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.


My proposed major is philosophy, which is also known as the study of argumentation. My interest in the subject was discovered through a personal enlightenment. One day, a thought struck me an I began to question the value of every subject in school from business to the natural sciences. I was searching for the major that would be perfect for me. Through all of this questioning, I realized that there was almost no value in the subjects themselves, but in the reasoning behind the use of the subject. For example, what is the point of knowing thousands of different mathematical formulas if there is way to use them? The way to use them is determined by philosophy. Philosophy is at the root of every subject. The answer to why we study every subject is a philosophical question. From this point on, I became very interested in the subject, using philosophical theories to discover the reasoning behind numerous inventions and places. What fascinates me most about philosophy is that it is the only subject that matters, and every other subject is considered minor details.
As my interest in philosophy progressed, I came to the conclusion that my thinking and ideas could only extend so far through contemplation alone. I had to take further action. I needed an outside source to fill the gaps in my thinking and to combine my ideas with others to make even greater ideas. I first gathered a meeting with a group of my philosopher companions. Together, we founded a weekly event called We the People. At these meetings, up to a hundred people came to share philosophical and social concerns through lectures, poetry, and music. These meetings ended up being a success and are still happening today. Later that year I realized that these meetings were not enough. I needed something to take my mind deeper, and I wanted to take my thinking to an even deeper level than I had before. In order to solve this problem, the solution was to have annual philosophy meetings at my house twice a month. We usually called these philosophy parties. A small group of philosophers met at my home, and we talked. These annual gatherings were not consisting of small talk. We took almost every serious philosophical issue we could find, and analyzed it not only to the bone, to the slimy, decaying bacteria underneath the calcium which made up the bone.
From the first day of my epiphany to the most recent philosophy party, I have gained ideas and perspectives beyond what I had imagined and I am a completely different person. This subject has completely changed my life, and I feel like majoring in any other subject would be an almost complete waste of time as long as the subject of philosophy is available for study. I yearn for more knowledge and truth about the world which I expect to receive at my four year institution.

"A beautiful day. When it ends nothing remains the way it was..."

Mr Majestik
Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear
Member Since: 9th Mar 2004
Total posts: 4693
Posted:i think its really good.

just a couple typos for you to fix;

 Written by: SeventyMiles

One day, a thought struck me an I began to question

in the first paragraph should have an "and"

 Written by: SeventyMiles

thousands of different mathematical formulas if there is way to use them?

needs "a"

smile good luck with it.

"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley


Location: Bouncing off the walls.
Member Since: 5th Jan 2006
Total posts: 756
Posted: Written by:

annual philosophy meetings at my house twice a month

How can they be annual if they're twice a month? I'm not sure what word you're looking for here..


If that's okay with you?

Returning to a unique state of Equilibrium
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Member Since: 10th Jan 2001
Total posts: 3288
Posted:word he's looking for is 'regular' (I guess).

I take it that this is for entry to university?

You could show you're even more serious about this topic by making (correct) direct reference to any respected philosophers you know of, or any major philosophical perspectives you agree / disagree with. Without any reference to any published or well known philosophical concept there's no way to tell from your statement that you are any more serious about philosophy than your average 'stoner' or 'hippy' party goer.

If you gave us a bit more context (at first I thought you were applying for a management position in some company from what you have written at the top) then we could be more helpful.

Good luck. smile

I love Philosophy too - but IMHO theres a big difference between street philosophy and academic philosophy - and most academic philosophers I've met have no time for street philosophers.

Help! My personality got stuck in this signature machine and I cant get it out!

Internet Hate Machine
Location: They seek him here, they seek ...
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 10530
Posted:Heh. I had to write a PS for uni too. My main advice would be to start it with a quote, and describe how and why you relate to it, and go from there.

When I'm not in a rush, I'll come back and give some proper feedback. smile

The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."

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