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Forums > Social Discussion > GIRL problems- please help!?

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SeventyMiles
BRONZE Member since Nov 2005

newbie
Location: San Mateo, CA

Total posts: 19
Posted:ok, so heres the deal. i like this one girl, but she wants to save sex for marriage. thats cool and all, but im an 18 year old male and at the top of my hormone level. i would like to start a relationship with her but I can't see myself being tortured for eternity by not having sex... at least at my age. like im in my college years and stuff and thats wut college is all about.. right? does anyone know any motivational reasons why I should remain abstinent?

THANK YOU!!!


"A beautiful day. When it ends nothing remains the way it was..."

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Bubbles_
SILVER Member since Nov 2004

Bubbles_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: mancunian

Total posts: 3383
Posted: Written by:

like im in my college years and stuff and thats wut college is all about.. right?



really? i thought it was about getting an education! *slaps head* rolleyes


lol sorry. if she wants to wait, then theres no way its going to happen shrug if you are willing to wait as well then excellent, but if your not then you've got to decide, is it because your thinking only about the sex? or is it because you are not suitable? or is it that you want to enjoy your college years and you think this situation may damper them?

sounds like you really like her, but it also sounds like your expecting more. college should be fun, and you should enjoy it, but dont see it as only a place for having sex wink

i dont know what college is like in CA, so maybe advice from someone from around there is better because id assume american college is different to english college, i just thought id add my advice. smile

i hope everything works out for you and you have a great time at college smile


Disclaimer:im not responsible for what i say or do whether it be before,during and after drinking alcoholic substances (owned by BMVC).
Creater of Jenisms(TM)
Virginity like bubble,one prick all gone.

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Igirisujin
SILVER Member since Jul 2005

Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston

Total posts: 2666
Posted:There are also two things too consider. One is the fact that your 18. Your too young to get married anytime soon, so if you where to see this girl you would have to stay faithfull (not to mention abstinent) to her for a long time and thats going to be very difficult if your not having sex.

Secondly do YOU want to be abstinent? If you do then by all means be in a relationship with this girl/woman. If you dont then find a more suitable partner. If your not going to be happy in a sexless relationship your going to be in the wrong one, no matter how much of a good person she might be.


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops

Total posts: 4525
Posted:if you loved her, you'd wait. you said you only liked her. to me it makes sense to be honest to yourself and her to say "i want to sleep with people".
smile just let her go if you cant be faithful to her wishes.


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:1) Form Value System
2) Find Someone Who Shares That System

In that order.

smile


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Adya Miriyana
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Adya Miriyana

*slou?
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 6554
Posted:*nods*

ditto they're what you need to think about


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Posted: Written by: SeventyMiles

does anyone know any motivational reasons why I should remain abstinent?







Hrm... So basically you're worried that if, say in 2 years time you break up, you'd feel that you had just wasted 2 years where you could have been having lots of rampant sex, right?



I would have a good think about exactly why you want sex. Sure, hormones are a big part of it, but there's more to it than that.



It could be that you feel that time is running out, and that you should make the most of college. But seriously though, I don't see why it would be any easier to find girls in college, especially when you're under 20. Also, any mindblowing sexual experiences you have now for the first time, is one LESS mindblbowing sexual experience that you'll get to have for the first time when you're in your 20's, or married. There's nothing wrong with pacing yourself.



It could also be that you're worried that if you don't get lots of sex now, your friends will think you are lame, or you wont be experienced enough when you're older, or your self-esteem won't be satisfied. But, I don't think the amount of sex you get is really a good indication of how good a person you are, so these things probably don't really matter in the long run. There's no need to rush, or pressure yourself.



So from this perspective if it doesn't work out, then you'll still have had a positive experience, as long as you treat each other gently (and make sure you tell her straight away if you change your mind). And if it does work out, then woohoo. Finding a girl with such strong values is pretty lucky.



 Written by: NYC



1) Form Value System

2) Find Someone Who Shares That System



In that order.



smile





True, but it's not always that easy to just pick a value system and stick to it, when there's so much variety in our culture and all its subcultures.


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Eera


old hand
Location: In a test pit, Mackay

Total posts: 1107
Posted:Personally (and there are going to be people who disagree) I think being young is a time for experimentation (safely!) where you can get it out of your system, so that when you're ready for marriage you're not going to be wondering what else is out there because you already know, and realise it's nothing as good as being with the one person you really care about.

Sex is a massive part of a realtionship, and one that makes or breaks them, especially in the early stages. I'd want to know if my partner could only get off on being dressed like a vicar and being rubbed down with a pound of raw mince *before* I made a lifetime committment to him.

But that's just me (not the mince thing).


There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

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wonderloey


wonderloey

enthusiast
Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

Total posts: 255
Posted:Hon, firstly, you need to examine what your own attitudes to sex are. Is sex just about fun? A sport? Procreation? Cementing a romantic attatchment? Something to do when there's nothing on telly?

You need to balance your own feelings for this girl with your need for sex. Do you feel strongly enough about this girl that you are going to put your sex life on hold?

 Written by: Eera

Personally (and there are going to be people who disagree) I think being young is a time for experimentation (safely!) where you can get it out of your system, so that when you're ready for marriage you're not going to be wondering what else is out there because you already know, and realise it's nothing as good as being with the one person you really care about.





I know this is a fairly traditional route as far as sex goes... But it doesn't follow for everyone. I've been intermittently completely promiscuous and monogamous and even celibate. Don't think that if you don't run amok getting all the sex you can, that you can't later, when you "grow up". I'd say the older I get, the easier it is to find opportunities for mindblowing sex, whether of a casual or committed nature.


Don't even try to pressure her though, if she's going to change, it will be on her terms and no one else's (after all, you want her to WANT to have sex with you, don't you?)

0.02


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted: Written by: PsyRush



 Written by: NYC


1) Form Value System
2) Find Someone Who Shares That System

In that order.

smile



True, but it's not always that easy to just pick a value system and stick to it, when there's so much variety in our culture and all its subcultures.



Umm... what? Do your values usually change depending on what tune your ipod shuffles to?


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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FireByNite
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

FireByNite

Are you up for it??
Location: Auckland

Total posts: 349
Posted:ubblol at NYC's comment. well done

Are you up for it?
wink;)

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:There are other ways of getting your rocks off than by having sex (intercourse). Can you think of some?

If you can't, click here.

I was in a six-month relationship where we had plenty of sexual time with each-other without actually having sex.

And if a hornball like I can do it (and ENJOY it), anyone can.

And you don't have to worry about getting her pregnant. But other diseases can still happen so be careful.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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ben-ja-men
GOLD Member since Jun 2003

ben-ja-men

just lost .... evil init
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 2474
Posted: Written by: SeventyMiles


i would like to start a relationship with her but I can't see myself being tortured for eternity by not having sex


but is an interesting word its used to discount/qualify what was first said

blah blah blah but heres what i really think

sounds like you already know the answer to your problem but you just dont like what it is.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?

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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2996
Posted: Written by: NYC


 Written by: PsyRush



 Written by: NYC


1) Form Value System
2) Find Someone Who Shares That System

In that order.

smile



True, but it's not always that easy to just pick a value system and stick to it, when there's so much variety in our culture and all its subcultures.



Umm... what? Do your values usually change depending on what tune your ipod shuffles to?



Did your values and taste in music not change as your grew older and experienced new things? Ahhh how lovely and simple it must be to spring fully formed into the world.

wink


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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Colin J


Colin J

small member
Location: Hastings

Total posts: 116
Posted:always remember that no means yes help

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Chelly
SILVER Member since Mar 2006

Chelly

Niraffe
Location: Up north

Total posts: 884
Posted:confused Um, goodness me!!! What a debate this has opened. Honey, the truth is, no-one can make the decision except you. I'm a bit lost. Why is not having sex at 18 going to torture you for life? Are you going to become a monk or something after 18? Either way, if you want to stay with this girl, you have to respect her wishes, or lose respect yourself.

Either way, good luck! hug


"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--

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UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel


Total posts: 15414
Posted:*Slaps Colin*

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted: Written by: Rozi


 Written by: NYC


 Written by: PsyRush



 Written by: NYC


1) Form Value System
2) Find Someone Who Shares That System

In that order.

smile



True, but it's not always that easy to just pick a value system and stick to it, when there's so much variety in our culture and all its subcultures.



Umm... what? Do your values usually change depending on what tune your ipod shuffles to?



Did your values and taste in music not change as your grew older and experienced new things?

wink



My taste in music certainly has changed but I've never found it difficult to stick with a value system that I believed in and CERTAINLY never found the variety of subcultures tempting me out of my values.

"Oh, but the KKK have those sporty robes, maybe I'll join them!"

I think that opinions can change overnight but value systems should be relatively core to one's being.

Or were you just taking my comments out of context cuz that's the cool thing to do on the internet. wink


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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ado-p
GOLD Member since May 2004

ado-p

Pirate Ninja
Location: Galway/Ireland

Total posts: 3882
Posted:My value systems have changed fairly dramaticly over the course of my life.



Particularly when it comes to relating to other people and especially when it comes to being in a relationship.



Things have changed for many reasons. One of the biggest is being and living with another person and being in love. Its opened my eyes to feelings and values that I did not have before. I've learned to value new things both inside myself and inside others that I had not reason to consider before.



Its important and admirable to have good values. I think its also important to be able to re-evaluate oneself in the face of the changes that life brings.


Love is the law.

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted: Written by: Colin J


always remember that no means yes help



You might have said this as a joke but I'm not laughing. Nor will a few thousand other women that have been raped.


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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Chelly
SILVER Member since Mar 2006

Chelly

Niraffe
Location: Up north

Total posts: 884
Posted: Written by: Skulduggery


 Written by: Colin J


always remember that no means yes help



You might have said this as a joke but I'm not laughing. Nor will a few thousand other women that have been raped.



ditto not funny dude.


"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--

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Posted: Written by: NYC



My taste in music certainly has changed but I've never found it difficult to stick with a value system that I believed in and CERTAINLY never found the variety of subcultures tempting me out of my values.



"Oh, but the KKK have those sporty robes, maybe I'll join them!"



I think that opinions can change overnight but value systems should be relatively core to one's being.







Somehow you've misinterpreted me as saying "let's throw our morals out the window." When it comes to extreme stuff like lying, stealing, killing etc, any idiot knows these things shouldn't be done. What I'm talking about is controversial topics that have no definitively right answer, like sex, drugs, abortion, capital punishment etc. Finding your outlook on stuff like this takes a balance of open-mindedness, as well as going with what you feel is right. We happen to live in a VERY multicultural society, so you can't expect everyone to have the same values. Like it or not, we tend to become like the people we hang out with, so as we come into contact with different people with different ideas we DO change.



While I suppose these issues are more about opinions than values, the two are related.



 Written by: NYC

"Oh, but the KKK have those sporty robes, maybe I'll join them!"







The atrocities commited by the KKK happened because people blindly followed the belief that african-americans were less than human, something that they were probably brought up to believe. These things happened because of CLOSED mindedness, not open mindedness.


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Firetramp


Firetramp

old hand
Location: Binstead, Isle of Wight

Total posts: 896
Posted:Colin: spank

I think if a girl doesn't want sex before marriage, she deserves a lot of respect. There's not many people like that anymore. And if she's also very nice, you've found yourself a jewel! I grew up believing that I'd fall in love once and marry the guy and then have sex. I was 19 when I met my first boyfriend and we waited 9 months. Now, I'm 32 and just became a single mom. You don't want to know about all the years in between.

It might be important to get experienced but if you're in a loving relatiinship, no sex doesn't mean you can't have a fun life!


Ask a question and be a fool for a minute...don't ask and be a fool your whole life.

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maus
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

maus

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia

Total posts: 4191
Posted: Written by: ben-ja-men


 Written by: SeventyMiles


i would like to start a relationship with her but I can't see myself being tortured for eternity by not having sex



sounds like you already know the answer to your problem but you just dont like what it is.



Kinda in agreement with that gay poet dude on this one.

It sounds to me as though although you like her, you're a young man, and you want to go out and do what a lot of young men want to do. It also sounds as though you are looking for back up from others to confirm a decision you've already made.

If its not what you want then don't do it. But this girl sounds like she's got her head screwed on so make sure you keep her as a friend if you can, she deserves a lot of respect for the decision she has made. smile


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Colin J


Colin J

small member
Location: Hastings

Total posts: 116
Posted:*pulls bed covers over head*

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Patriarch917
SILVER Member since Oct 2005

Patriarch917

I make my own people.
Location: Nashville, Tennessee

Total posts: 607
Posted:Me and most of my friends waited until getting married before having sex. It's a great choice to make. On the one hand, you might feel bad about "wasting" two years without sex before breaking up with her. On the other hand, you might also feel bad about having sex with her for two years, then breaking up to be with someone else.

This issue must be analyzed within a particular worldview, however. You must decide what the purpose and function of sex is. For us, sex is integral to marriage. It is an activity to share with a spouse, for life. For others, sex is disconnected from marriage, and is something to be done even in temporary relationships.

As was pointed out, it is "controversial" now to identify sex as something that should go hand in hand with marriage. Still, I suggest that you remember what the ultimate function of sex is: producing children.

True, sex tends to create an intimate bond between persons, and is seen as an expression of love. Yet, even this is integral to childbearing. All else being equal, the best environment in which to raise children is with parents who have an intimate and powerful bond with each other.

Motivation to keep sex within marriage? Aside from eliminating pregnancy and STDs, it makes for a better marriage, which leads to a better family, which means you will raise better children, who will in turn create better families, and soon the world will be full of well adjusted, disease free people. Poverty and crime will go down, AIDS will be unable to spread, and your offspring will be more fit to survive. Your progeny will rule the earth, and you will be heralded as the founder of a great people.

All because you managed to keep it in your pants during college.

It is a very reasonable thing for her to ask of you. If you want to have sex with her, she wants you to show that you are willing to commit to take care of her and any children that may result. She obviously has a lot of respect for herself. There are many who would be willing to have sex with any handsome fellow willing to take them out for dinner and a movie.

This shows you that she takes herself seriously. You can be secure in the knowledge that, since she is willing to save herself for you before marriage, she will be more likely to save herself for you during marriage.

Are you willing to do the same? By practicing sexual discipline now, you are training yourself to stay faithful within marriage. Again, it is a bit controversial to suggest that people should only have sex with their spouse during marriage. Still, I would recommend it. Think of it as relationship hygiene.

Of course, you can have the best of both worlds. I was once in your position. My body said it was time to have sex, and the girl said (and I agreed) that sex should be done in marriage. Our solution was not to be abstinent. Our solution was to marry.

And yes, we did it in college. I agree with you that, aside from learning, college is about finding someone to have sex with. However, I would suggest that when you find that person, you should marry them.

If you think college is about having sex without commitment (as many do) then we merely have different values. As was pointed out, this is controversial. Many would tell you that it is crazy to marry during college, and that you are not mature enough at that point.

If it is true that you are not mature enough to choose a mate, then I would suggest that perhaps you are not mature enough to start mating. Just a thought.


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thegreatBJ


Woman! Not gay Man!
Location: Hull...ish

Total posts: 332
Posted:ohh am I still a member here?... ohh apparently Im automatically signed in... cool

anyway the way I see it is that if its meant to be then it will happen when you are ready... if you and this girl are meant to be you will meet up again eather when her feeligns on sex change or when you are ready for a non-sexual commitment

but dont push yourself into something you're not ready for


I AM NOT A GAY MAN!

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Ade
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

Are we there yet?
Location: australia

Total posts: 1897
Posted: Written by: Colin J


always remember that no means yes help



Not funny Colin - I think you ought to remove your comments or explain what you mean in full.

ubbcrying


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ben-ja-men
GOLD Member since Jun 2003

ben-ja-men

just lost .... evil init
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 2474
Posted: Written by: Patriarch917

If you think college is about having sex without commitment (as many do) then we merely have different values. As was pointed out, this is controversial. Many would tell you that it is crazy to marry during college, and that you are not mature enough at that point.

im not so sure that its a question of maturity so much as being well informed when making the most important decision of your life, you wouldnt buy the first house you liked the look of would you? i know i sure wouldnt its a big decision that impacts the rest of your life, its something i would be putting alot of research into. to me a life partner is aloooooooot more important than a house hence i think it deserves an appropriate ammount of research.

i can understand the whole waiting thing i did it for alot longer than most simply because i wanted to fall in love first, unfortunately all of the women i met had different ideas about sex so i had alot of very short relationships. in hindesite i wouldnt wait again simply because i missed out on alot of potentially amazing experiences as a result but then again hindsite is always 20/20. in the same way that there is a huge variety in personality chemistrys there is an equally large range of sexual chemistries in my experience the two rarely match up.

When i say sexual chemistry i dont just mean in the desire to romp from sun up to sun down. I mean the level of connection that can be made from the energies that interact between the essenses of two people as the surrounding world fades away and all thats left in the darkness is the intertwining of each half made more than whole. The boundaries of flesh and blood made meaningless as time fades away.

 Written by: Patriarch917

On the other hand, you might also feel bad about having sex with her for two years, then breaking up to be with someone else.

it would be better if you realised you where incompatible after two years of marriage?

 Written by: Patriarch917

True, sex tends to create an intimate bond between persons

if it doesnt then it means your doing it wrong

 Written by: Patriarch917

All else being equal, the best environment in which to raise children is with parents who have an intimate and powerful bond with each other.

totally agree with you there

 Written by: Patriarch917

Motivation to keep sex within marriage? Aside from eliminating pregnancy and STDs, it makes for a better marriage, which leads to a better family, which means you will raise better children, who will in turn create better families, and soon the world will be full of well adjusted, disease free people. Poverty and crime will go down, AIDS will be unable to spread, and your offspring will be more fit to survive. Your progeny will rule the earth, and you will be heralded as the founder of a great people.

how exactly does it make for a better marriage? surely getting married because you know that person is the one who you are going to spend the rest of your life with is much better than getting married because your body is telling you its ready to have sex? i think you might be over simplifing the whole poverty/crime/well adjusted ppl thing just a tad.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted: Written by: ado-p


My value systems have changed fairly dramaticly over the course of my life.

Its important and admirable to have good values. I think its also important to be able to re-evaluate oneself in the face of the changes that life brings.



I agree 100%.

Again, the context of the examples you're using and the examples I'm using are so different that I can agree with them both.

My initial point remains that one should make decisions based on their value system, not the other way around.

My initial critique remains that one should not be tempted out of one's value system merely by the variety of other value systems available.

The relevance of both my point and my critique to this thread should be apparent.

My own personal opinion (relevant to only myself) is that my decisions before getting married have made me a more complete person. I think that bringing life experience and perspective to a relationship is important TO ME.

I think (again, for me) there are things I have found that I thought I wanted but, once having them, realized I did not. Living with someone can be extremely traumatic or extremely wonderful and I can't predict which it will be until I've done it (frankly I don't know how anyone can predict that witout trying it.) Because I've had prior expereinces that DIDN'T work, I learned MUCH more about what things do work. The only way I would ever vow to be with someone is if I had some idea of what that would be like.

But again, that's just me.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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wonderloey


wonderloey

enthusiast
Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

Total posts: 255
Posted:I just think.. If I waited till I got married... I would either...

A) Be in a marriage to my high school boyfriend, resenting him by virtue of his gender and having several children I don't want at the expense of my happiness and sanity. (Yes, of course I want kids one day, but if I had married when I was being encouraged by friends and family to, my kids would have had to put up with one seriously maladjusted mum. I really don't know how that one would end.

B) Be celibate. Forever.

I think the girl's (and Patriach) made an intelligent choice. It's not a universal choice though, and I don't believe that it should be expected to be one.


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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