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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:There now follows a true story:





Once upon a time, in a forest not so far from here, a young man was going for a walk. His name was Cantus and he was an artist (of sorts) by trade.

He'd been walking all day and was feeling a little tired from the road so he decided to take a rest.



Looking around, his eyes fell on a small cottage nestling gently in the woods a short distance from the road. He decided to strike out for this hoping to find shelter, perhaps in some out building or on the leeward side of the building (as the wind was beginning to pick up).



As he approached the building it occurred to him that it was in fact vacant and, having only a vague understanding of property law, stepped inside.



The interior was modest, as you might expect from the interior of a small woodland cottage in a story such as this. Directly in front of him were half a dozen or so rough hewn chairs at a sturdy looking wooden table. Set on the table were more than several place settings. As if a small group of people, at some time in the past, breakfasted here but left without tidying up.



A thick layer of dust covered everything floor to ceiling. Rubbish was strewn around the room and there was a rather disturbing smell that i wouldn't like to try and describe as the mere thought of it makes me retch.



Being a tidy soul, young Cantus decided to do a spot of spring cleaning (although it was actually October). After a cursory search of the room revealed no cleaning products - not one mop, broom, duster or bucket for the putting of bleach therein - he decided to simply throw out all the mess and work from there.



A grubby, dusty and somewhat back breaking age passed before young Cantus finally felt he had reached a stage where he could sit down without contract some rare disease. So sit down he did.

Only to find that first chair was too soft. I can't sit there he thought, it's too comfy. Too long and I'll fall asleep and I'll never get all the rest of the rooms tidied (behind some particularly gruesome mire he had discovered several adjoining - and duly mucky - bedrooms, a kitchen and a really disgusting bathroom. In which he had found some really disturbing hairs cramming up the plughole. He hoped beyond hope that the previous occupants had had a dog or something. The Kitchen had been filled with bowl upon bowl of porridge and a book entitled 50 Really Simple Porridge Recipes).



Unfortunately for Cantus at this point 2 things happened. Firstly the owners of the cottage - 7 short men, with even shorter tempers, and their 3 pet bears - were drawing near.

And secondly, overwhelmed by the comfort of the first chair, Cantus fell asleep.



The door swung wide open and the owners, back from a week working in the diamond mine swaggered and staggered in.

"Hey, who's been sitting in my chair?" said one dwarf.

"Well it was quite blatantly that bloke there wasn't it," replied another.

"growr" said a bear.

"Shut up Bear." said a dwarf.



"Hey. Who's been messing with my stuff?" asked a third dwarf "My collection of tasteful etchings of playful nymphs and dryads is missing!"



"Your pile of obscene porn has gone too Doc."



"Who would've done such a thing?" asked a 5th dwarf



"Again I'm gonna plump for that guy there." said the second dwarf, who's name was Itchy.

"But why? Why would he do such a thing Itchy? Why?" Blubbed a dwarf who's name was Nancy.



"I think, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he did it because he is a git."



And so it came to pass that, after a brief discussion, peppered with much swearing from the dwarves and quite a lot of growling from the bears (what else would they do? Recite prose?) the dwarves killed Cantus and the bears ate him.



And they all lived happily ever after.....except one of the bears who went mad and thought he was a road sign.....





and 3 of the dwarves who perished in a car wreck after misinterpreting the Beware Bear sign at a railroad crossing.


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:Yeah? Well Konsti, you smell of horseradish and trees talk about you behind your back.

So there!


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:i laugh at those b*tchy trees.
and if i knew what horseradish was, i might be slightly offended. (do u know the german word for it? my english is pretty damn good but i could never be bothered to learn names of foodstuffs)


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Posted:Horseradish is meerrettich in german! tongue

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:ahhhh danke,
we call it Krenn in austria
Apfel-Krenn, with chickenwings and a bit of ketchup
*drooooool*


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:Ooooooooo Patrick is a mine of knowledge!

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:all hail patrick

"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:it will only make his head swell if we do......

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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Posted:I don't think we should use the german for that! wink But ah, thanks! ubblol ubblol

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:skul: just keep going, it might pop



yeah it would sound rather wrong



"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Sakura_Moon


Sakura_Moon

Hop's Kitten Jester.
Location: Wonderland igloo, Vic, Austral...

Total posts: 1803
Posted:Bring him back with horseradish...this is almost crazy enough to work!!!

.:Pink Exocutioner:.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct...

Loving you from the deepest part of my loins.


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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:*hits Konsti with some horseradish*

"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:That took care of him.

"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:*lies on the floor twitching, with some horseradish sticking out of the left eyesocket*

"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction

Total posts: 13215
Posted:*points and laughs*

That's better than a poke in the eye with a pointy stick!

*runs away before anyone can test it*


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Mysterio - Lord Of Confusion


member
Location: I came from somewhere of this ...

Total posts: 65
Posted:Dear Mr Cantus,

I have of late come upon news incoming of your death at the hands of a gang of diamond miners, and also your resulting bout of consumption by a small group of bears. Let me at this first opportunity presented to myself thus please express to you my manifold condolences and also to ask if you have considered taking a position on forming an opinion vis a vis the subject of a legal claim against your erstwhile attackers?

I represent an opportunistic and entirely amoral legal service providing commercial entity who specialise in fictional or otherwise fabricated cases of exactly the same nature as yours. We believe you present a strong legal and emotional case due to your demonstrable lack of understanding of property law, and due to the afore mentioned diamond miners clear disregard for The Dangerous Wild Animals Act (1976) and also their breach of a previous ASBO for their unhygenic and filthy porridge den.

Please do not hesitate to contact me in the event that you wish to make a quick buck out of the consequences of your own idiocy.

Yours
Mysterio Lord of Confusion

The reading of this 'post' constitutes an agreement between the parties hereafter referred to as the "MysterioConsumerProducts" and the "Reader". The further actions of the Reader are taken to be partially attributable to their experiences in the 'reading' of this 'post' and half of all their future financial, entreprenurial, musical, intellectual and emotional endeavours shall be regarded as the property of MysterioConsumerProducts. Breach of contract will be prosecuted. MysterioConsumerProducts is not, has not, and will never accept responsibilities for events that occur in three, four or five dimensional spaces.


"Thats very confusing"

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Sakura_Moon


Sakura_Moon

Hop's Kitten Jester.
Location: Wonderland igloo, Vic, Austral...

Total posts: 1803
Posted:Yup, instead of suing them (which i think was what you were saying Mysterio) and going through the courts and all that. Maybe we should jsut hold a vegetable cart derby and crush them? Or if not that, we hire a group of assassins *cough -me-and-my-friends- cough*
Or maybe set a bunch of half starved wolves on them?
Just a suggestion.
I do free quotes.
Liv


.:Pink Exocutioner:.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct...

Loving you from the deepest part of my loins.


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simian


simian

110% MONKEY EVERY TIME ALL THE TIME JUST CANT STOP THE MONKEY
Location: London

Total posts: 3149
Posted:Yeah yeah, you do free quotes.

but when do you actually complete these jobs then? umm

i hired you to kill Arthur Fonzarelli ages ago and yet he still roams the earth unharmed.

You're a rubbish assassin tongue


"Switching between different kinds of chuu chuu sometimes gives this "urgh wtf?" effect because it's giving people the phi phenomenon."

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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:Written by: Sakura_moon

Yup, instead of suing them (which i think was what you were saying Mysterio)




Ah, is that what he was talking about? I was wondering.... biggrin

Mysterio is just too isoseles for me (is that the right word?)


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Mysterio - Lord Of Confusion


member
Location: I came from somewhere of this ...

Total posts: 65
Posted:Dear Mr Cantus

If that is your real name, which it isn't. Oh, I've heard you called that name, oh yes. There is even talk that you once wore a hat with the letters:
C - @ - N - T - U - S emblazoned upon for all to see.

But DOES THAT MAKE IT YOUR NAME?

Yes. Yes it does.

Imagine the following scenario. The notoriety from your previous bear consumption and miraculous resurrection brings you to the attention of store owners living near the 100 acre woods. For several years now, their stores have been vandalized by bears each and every time they get a new shipment of groceries. These bears take no money and hurt no one. They simply break into the store and make off with all of the honey pots. You soon discover that this behavioral trait has a genetic basis. The <Pooh> trait is a dominant trait determined by a single gene. Bears heterozygous or homozygous for the pooh allele have an insatiable desire for honey pots. You determine that pooh is present in the bear population of the 100 acre woods at a frequency of 1/6.

Now, if you eliminated all of the <Pooh> bears in one generation and then allowed two generations to pass, what fraction of the total bear population would exhibit the <Pooh> phenotype?

Think carefully. Your answer will almost certainly continue to be ignored.

Yours

Mysterio

Merchant Banker of Mayhem


"Thats very confusing"

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG

Total posts: 3415
Posted:What if you killed all the bears, and imported fresh, non-pooh bears from somewhere that bears are endagered?

"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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Tao Star


Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol

Total posts: 1662
Posted:no! don't bring him back to life! i mean, i know it's sad & all, but i can use this as an excuse not to tidy up.

if you bring him back to life you'll spoil everything tongue


I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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