Forums > Social Chat > Advice needed for my Sister

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
I'm not sure i have any advise that will help... but i wanted to post and give you some hugs....

sorry i'm no help,
i hope it goes ok...
take care xxx

Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004

There may be one for everyone but what if there is two for three would that mean none for someone or did they start off without one....

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
Ouch, what a horrible place to be in.

Advice? Try and be non-judgemental and stay away from accusations. Whatever she's done, good or bad, i don't expect she did it lightly, and will be just as much in need of your support as your BiL..

My first thought when reading that was "wow, that's so incredibly young" - to have been with him since she was 17, and maybe that is part of her reason, i don't know.

Good luck with listening, and i hope that she can come to a decent resolution for everyone..

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
Wowsers. Tough one.

Personally I would stay right away from the core of it; there's going to be some underlying reason why she did it in the first place; it may be that she was bored or there's something inherently wrong with their relationship that she couldn't tell you. Ultimately it's an issue for them to resolve, and while you should be there if either of them needs to talk, a lot of "If I were you I'd do this..." is not helpful and may be perceived as medelling.

Saying that, asking her "why?" might be the easiest thing to do. If she can put her finger on the reason then it's halfway to a resolution, be that for good or bad.

Good luck.

There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
Thanks everyone for your support.

After talking with Helen today she admits she did it...but wont give a reason.

What has been annoying is the fact Ian keeps texting me asking, "have you met helen yet?" "What has she said to your granparents?", "has she told you the truth?" And when i ask him if he wants to speak to Helen himself he says no.

I DONT want to be stuck in the middle between them. Or is that just me being selfish?

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
I don't blame you for not wanting to be caught in the middle - not a nice place to be!

You know where I am if you need someone to vent at!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
Hey Hun,

in every long term relationship there are moments when one or both peeps go through stages of doubt. It happens to us all at some point in life. Sometimes people don't realsie that is doubt until it is too late - people can re-fall in love many times over the course of a relationship. Unfortunatley it is too easy to give it up out of lazyness.

All you need to do is be there for your loved ones and listen when required. And as Meep says don't be judgmental as that will only estrange your loved ones. However, don't sometimes people might ask too much of you - its not selfishness on your part so let them know when your limit is reached in as tactful way as possible - its hard to listen to someone's problems when you are emotionally exhausted yourself - let them know.

Well good luck hun,
huge hugs

>What do you think about the state of the Earth?
>I'm optimistic.
>So why do you look so sad?
>I'm not sure that my optimism is justified.

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
from what i've read it sounds like you're on a crash course that lands directly in the middle of it... you should let em know you're there for them and care very much, but you can only mediate a lil bit and remind them what love is, what they got married for, and all that shiggity.

Problems like these aren't worth big breakups and can be solved, and it's more healthy to solve a problem with another's help than to put someone else in the middle of it.

all of this being nothing but my humble opinion

Stick in there
~Zim

Clean for 6 months and counting... ah yeah, that's nice.

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
Have you spoken to your sister yet?

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
awww that sucks. my brother and his girlfriend didnt break up really nastily as far as i know but ive always been quite good mates with her and we still keep in contact even though theyre not together now. hope you can be the same...x

Livin' on dreams and custard creams

Posted: 3rd Oct 2004
For the last 14 years I thought my brother had the perfect normal, boring, 3 kids and dog marriage.
Then last month they break up and I find out that she has been having affaires for years.
Gobsmacked? Too right.

I think the best thing to do is not to take sides, in case they get back together. Other than that I try to keep out of it as much as I can.
It's really sad but I don't think I can do anything to help except expressing my sympathy and support.
Being far away helps a lot, which I don't think is the case for you.

You have my sympathy, for you and your sister and her husband, I understand how difficult this kind of thing can be.

Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
Point them both in the direction of "Relate". Explain to them both you love and care for their well being but you can't be a go between. They need to talk to each other to sort it out. Relate tel: 0845 1304010 (that might just be the welsh one though. Its in the front of the yellow pages)

Good luck to them both. Relationships are something you have to work hard at keeping health.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 4th Oct 2004

Written by: meep

---

Advice? Try and be non-judgemental and stay away from accusations. Whatever she's done, good or bad, i don't expect she did it lightly, and will be just as much in need of your support as your BiL..

Lynne

---

bravo Meep...tres excellent

It's smashing to be back x

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
My advice is to stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you and altough it's not easy for either of them it should be sorted out by the 2 of them. It's not fair on you as you're already emotionally involved in the situation and it'll only hurt you further.

Don't worry about her being "the type" there's no such thing as a type. People make mistakes. We're only human and looking for happiness. A person can be strong in one moment and weak in another.

Sorry to hear this sad news...yucky stuff :

I live in a world of infinite possibilities.

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
Thanks so much people...

All your advice is so helpful! So i have stopped being the message relayer. And I told them to speak to each other..
They have arranged a meeting for after work tonight so lets hope they talk things out.

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
I have no idea ..............nope

sorry hunny hope your sis works out what makes her most happy and she makes the right desicion, but she is going to have to make a decision

Never assume
Always Acknowledge

Posted: 4th Oct 2004


Pink, it's a tough place to be....if you can avoid the middle, which it seems you are trying to do, do so..

Since they've been together 8 years, your brother - in- law is family as well, but your sister is your flesh and blood, and she may need you to just be a sister to her. It is a roll I've played not once, but twice in my life. (My sister's having trouble with her marriage...)

As others have said, don't be judgemental...be as objective as you can be, and give honest advice.

Communication is key to just about any relationship.

K

Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
stickey one sweetie... try to give them both support, and try not to take sides because it will cause aurguments. hope things sort themselfs out.

*hugs*

L xx

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
Mate,

I was in exactly the same position as Helen when I was 23. I'd been with my partner (didn't marry him though) since a week before my 17th birthday - equating to 7.5years together. I loved him with all my heart and never thought for a second that I would not be growing old with him, however, I changed. I found HOP and psytrance and my little bubble expanded lots! After a length of time I stopping to analyse why I was flirting so outrageously at any given opportunity and discovered I was bored with the relationship and was actually ashamed of my partner. I was growing and evolving, he was the same weak willed individual he'd always been - so weak that I eventually dominated every aspect of the relationship and was so manipulative it was disgusting. This caused me to lose respect for him, and in turn I cheated on him with a really good friend of mine - something I never ever thought I would do. I told him a couple of weeks after it happened and I still regret the hurt I caused him, however I needed out of that relationship and cheating on him was the catalyst for the change. If it didn't happen then, it would have happened eventually and quite possibly been a whole lot messier with potential children and mortgage scenario. Whatsmore, being with him was no longer teaching me anything constructive and my manipulations and dominating tendencies were being left unchecked to develop in their own toxic ways.

Anyway, long story short - I turned his world upside down, but it had to happen - so he could learn to live without being co-dependant and so that I could learn to curb my negative traits and develop into a more balanced individual.. I'm still with the man I cheated on my ex with - nearly 3 years after it all happened. The issues the cheating has caused between my (current) partner and I are a whole different story, however... There wasn't exactly a solid foundation of trust (as we had both betrayed someone we cared about as well as our own integrity), but we're still working on it.

ramble ramble.... sorry!

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Posted: 6th Oct 2004
ok if you want to help him i can tell ya what to do.
because the same thing happend to a good friend of mine.
after his wife cheated on him wich was wierd as i am both there friends. i talked to him and i talked to her. she said that she found him no atractive and making love to him made her sick to her stomach.i new my friend was hurt like hell so this is whati did.
i brought him to the gym every day and we worked out for about 3-4 hours every day. we planed out a VERRY strict diet for him and went shoping. within about 6 mounth he had droped over 50 pounds was in good shape and dressing realy nice.
but this wasnt enuf i thought. so i had him read poetry and phyoligy books to increase his learning. i got him on the local hocky team wich got him in a better mood.
then i took him to the night clubs every weekend and got him to flirt with lots of girls (innincent flirting)
and this brought his selfconfidence up alot.
by the end of the year i found out wich club she went to and i brought him there... and my god he walked in and ladys were thoughing them selfs at him!! and thim his wife sa him and fell head over heals!! they started from scratch dating again. and know they have renewed there vowes and have a baby girl named jem and best of all they made me the god father

SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha

Posted: 7th Oct 2004
I think she made a mistake by been with the guy getting married at such a young age .

After all do you know your self at such a young age .

Sounds like she was very board ?.

She could have issues with herself as well god knows we all do.

And your correct stay out of it as much as possible .

that shrewd and knavish sprite

Called Robin Good Fellow ; are you not he that is frighten of the maidens of the villagery - fairy

I am the merry wander of the night -puk

Posted: 19th Oct 2004
Ok so update:

Just as everyone thought things were getting back to normal.. Ian was only calling once a week, and Helen bought a new car (£14grand car )...
I got a phone call from Ian with him saying that he didn't trust her, that she was in a meeting at work in the same department as this guy works in (aside from the fact she works in the same department!)
Anyway i said he was over-reacting and to calm down. He had been drinking, quite a bit.

Helen popped round after work (and another 3 calls from Ian) and came and sat down on the sofa and confessed all... she said that she had seen this guy for a drink after work as the meeting was about their department being shut down and he'd lost his job (redundancy... but Helen was ok as she was only helping that department out for a couple of months) add that to the fact he is going through a divorce with his wife (they split up ages ago...just doing the legal work) and the fact he loves Helen, he was in a mess so Helen calmed him down etc..

Then Helen said that Ian had been spying on her, thats how he found out about her affair, and he keeps on calling her, and texting her. she showed us her phone which had about 30 texts from Ian between 4pm and 6pm! Some of them saying, "i'm going to kill someone", "i dont trust you", "i love you..." etc..

Then she said her heart was in 2, she loved this other guy (called Skip) and she still loved Ian, but not in the same way anymore. She also said Skip had a 1yr old baby.

Then she phoned Skip and told him to meet her in the pub, and we went down there and i met him! He's a really nice guy, quite sincere and seemed to really care about Helen. And the body language between Helen and Skip showed she had already made up her mind.

So Helen said she's going to tell Ian that they should have a week's break from each other, during that time she's not going to talk to either Ian or Skip. Then see what's going to happen from then, although like i said before looks like i may have a new brother-in-law (although she said if something does happen she's not going to rush into another marriage)

The only problems i have with this is:
1) Ian. I dont know how to tell him to stop calling me, and if he does have a week from Helen he'll no doubt call me. I can't tell a guy who's crying down the phone to me to leave me alone!! Esspecially as he helped me out when i was going through a bad patch couple of years ago.

2) Skip is 38. Helen's 23. I know age doesn't matter etc. just a little.. cautious that it may be a sort of midlife crisis or something for Skip, esspecially as he has a new baby.

Any more advice would be wonderful, as you have given so much useful advice.
(sorry for ranting on about my family crisis )

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 19th Oct 2004
That's a really tough situation... but if your sister really likes Skip, and if she doesn't feel that way for Ian anymore, then she has to be true to herself. But I really can't be any more practical than that.

I think you should just support whatever your sister decides (as I'm sure you will!) and if Ian calls you too much... you have to say so. Easier said, I know... but you have your own life and he has his. Whatever your sister decides, you shouldn't have to be the one holding Ian's hand if you aren't comfortable with that.

I hope that helps in some way... vague, I know!

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 19th Oct 2004
Pink, i think it's cool that she's going to take a week out. I guess that Ian's fear is partially what's driving her away now, which is a shame for him, although i can understand it.

NAG () is right, if it gets too much tell him. You get to ive your life remember? You don't have to give up everything for him. If he calls and it's a bad time, say so, and ask if he could tcall you back at X time. Hopefully he will understand (eventually at least!)

Make sure you take time for yourself, don't let yourself get stuck in the middle, it's not a fun place to be.



Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 20th Oct 2004
Thank you
Helen's still undecided. She asked me today on msn messenger:
"What do you think i should do? Who should i choose"
So i told her that i dont want to influence her decision by my opinions...

Sister's! Honestly i recommend never getting them!

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 20th Oct 2004
Good for you

My sister is cool and (thankfully for me!) single

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale