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Forums > Social Chat > The Uberficial "Favourite Joke" Thread

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Twirly


Twirly

Shoryuken!
Location: Hexham, Newcastle, England

Total posts: 233
Posted:Tell us your favourite jokes!

Saw this one on b3ta, and I like it.

"One day, little Timmy is walking home from school on Friday afternoon when he sees a poster which says "Circus in town on Saturday - 20p admission". Timmy rushes home, opens his piggy bank and finds that he has exactly 20p. He sleeps with the coin held tight in his hand all night, and wakes up the next morning, ready to go to the circus.

He gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy's hand shoots up in the air, and he screams "ME ME ME!!!". The clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy". The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter, and Timmy rushes out of the circus in tears. He decides then that he will get those clowns back for what they did.

During the year, Timmy gets a job to save up some money. Then he sets aside 20p for the circus, and uses the rest of the money he earns to take night classes to teach him the art of witty come-backs. The next year rolls around, and Timmy once again sees the circus poster. He gets the 20p he had saved for the circus, and holds it tight in his hand all night, ready to go to the circus the next morning.

The morning finally arrives, and he gets to the circus and waits in the queue. When he gets to the front, he hands over his 20p and gets in. First, he goes to see the trapeze artists, twirling gracefully through the air. Then he sees the lion tamer, holding back the lion with a whip and an upturned chair. Then, finally, he gets to the big top. 2 clowns come onto the stage in a tiny car. They do the wallpaper sketch, and throw water over each other, then they say "we need someone from the audience to tell a joke". Timmy knows that the clowns won't recognise him, since they've been travelling around the country all year, so he puts his hand up. Once again, the clowns pick him out of the audience.

The first clown says "what's your name little boy?". Timmy replies "my name's Timmy", this time with much less boyish enthusiasm, as if he's going through the motions. The clown says "ok Timmy, we're going to make a horse, what part of the horse do you think you'll be?"
"Will I be the head?"
"No"
"Will I be the tail?"
"No"
"Will I be the fetlocks?"
"No.... you'll be the arse!"
The whole crowd erupts with laughter.

At that point, Timmy stands square up to the clowns. He looks them in the eye, and with a steely determination, replies...




F*CK OFF YOU RED-NOSED C*NTS"


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Jona
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

journeyman


Total posts: 78
Posted:oh god no! wink spank lol, i do like it tho!

YEY! i got the poi down form under the motorway bridge!

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Twisted Clown
BRONZE Member since Sep 2004

Twisted Clown

member
Location: Croydon,Surrey,UK

Total posts: 102
Posted:Appologies to all the "Blondes" out there but someone has to do a Blonde Joke.... bounce2



Right Here we go.... ubbrollsmile



A Blonde and a Red head jump off a Skyscraper at the same time, which one will hit the ground first????? biggrin



Answer confused



The Red Head the Blonde had to stop to ask for directions..... rolleyes



Sorry ubbloco bounce


There may be one for everyone but what if there is two for three would that mean none for someone or did they start off without one....

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The Real Fryed Fish


God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion

Total posts: 1489
Posted:this guy was dirveing home one night, speeding over a bridge. when he gets to the other side he sees a cop, and sure enoughm he gets pulled over for speeding........cop walks up the car and asks for the guys liscense and registration. while the guys digging for his registration the cop looks in his car and say "man this is the biggest piece of crap car i have ever seen. you must have a horrible job, why you cannt even afford the ticket im about to give you" well the guys says "thats not true! i have a good job!" cop asks "what do you then?" <guy> "im a rectum strecher" <cop> "a what!!" <guy> "im a rectum strecher, i strech rectums" <cop> "how the hell do you do that?" <guy> "well we start off with a tool thats about as big as 2 fingures side by side, it streches out to about 1 foot, from there we go up in size till the rectum is about 6 feet total"

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

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The Real Fryed Fish


God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion

Total posts: 1489
Posted:..........cont............ran out of room

so the cop asks "what in the world would you do with a 6 foot ass hole" guy says "you put at the other side of a bridge with a radar gun and a badge


You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

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NOn


activist for HoPper liberation.
Location: ffidrac

Total posts: 1643
Posted:a joke that practically made me wet myself laughing for a good quarter of an hour (!) will probably not make anyone else laugh... but it was:

Q: How did the baker get electrocuted?

A: He sat on a current bun.


Aurinko freedom agreement reached 10th Sept 2006

if it makes no sense that's because it's NOn-sense.

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PyroWill
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines

Total posts: 4437
Posted:2 jokes:

1) Q - How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

A - Set Fire to it..........WOOF!!

2) A farmer waiting for a builder to turn up to fix his roof is annoyed that he is half an hour late, calls the depot asking where he is, depot apologises n gets on to the driver via the radio, "where are you? your running late", man replies"sorry boss, was going fast and i hit a pig, didnt see it crossing road!"
boss says "ok just drag the body onto the verge and keep going hurry man!"
10 minutes later he calls the driver again checking if hes on his way "sorry boss says the man, the pig is still alive,its stuck under the radiator, its kicking n screaming and in terrbile distress"
"ok" says the boss "we keep an axe behind the seat, finish him off, drag the body to the verge and get ony our way!!"
another 10 mins later the man calls the driver again, and says "everything ok"
"yes boss, i killed the pig but having trouble pulling his motorbike out from under the van"


An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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stroo
SILVER Member since Feb 2003

stroo

trusty sidekick to superman
Location: oxford, england, uk

Total posts: 799
Posted:this is a lil mean......

Q. whats the differance between hitler and paula radcliffe?

A. At least Hitler nearly finished a race

o no, is that really bad...

if so...

Q. what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A lean beef

x


Livin' on dreams and custard creams

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Fleance


journeyman
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Total posts: 99
Posted:Whats red and invisible
No tomatoes

Whats purple and hums
an electric plum

(this next one only makes sense if you know that there is a suburb in melbourne called PRESTON)

These three old ladies walk into the local pub, one of the ladies walks up to the bar and asks
"oh, excuse me sonny but do you have live music playing here tonight?"
"Well yes we do" is the reply.
"Oh thats wonderful," says the old lady "What kind of music is it. Is it Jazz?"
"No i'm sorry it's not Jazz"
"Oh, well is it Blues?"
"No i'm sorry it's not Blues."
"Oh, what is it then?"
"It's country and Western."
"Thank you very much sonny" says the old lady before going back to her friends.
"Are they a Jazz band?" asks one of her old freinds.
"No."
"Are they a Blues band," asks the other.
"No." says the old lady,

"He said it was two c*nts from Preston"


I don't care who you vote for

Just don't vote for the guy who likes war, destruction and earning money over earning respect.

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stripes
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

stranger
Location: england

Total posts: 41
Posted:this is a very bad one... and it helps if you're english and felt as though your heart was ripped from your body during the world cup


the good news is that suddam hussein is getting the death penalty, the bad news is that david beckham is going to take it


remember; they can't break you if you don't have a spine

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Supafly
BRONZE Member since Apr 2001

TNT
Location: Charlotte, NC

Total posts: 173
Posted:A middle-aged woman is shopping in her local grocery store and walks up to the checkout counter. Just as she is unloading the items in her cart a handsome man gets in line behind her. He catches her eye and she smiles back at him.

She begins passing her items to the checkout clerk. One gallon of milk, one carton of eggs, 5 different frozen dinners, and one loaf of bread.

"You must be single," she hears the man say from behind.

A bit flustered, she turns back to him with a smile and says with a flirty voice, "That's pretty inciteful of you. How did you guess?"

He gives her a once over look again and says, "Because you're ugly."


Fear the evil monkey!

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stripes
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

stranger
Location: england

Total posts: 41
Posted:ouch!

remember; they can't break you if you don't have a spine

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kiteman


Flying high!
Location: At the beach.

Total posts: 245
Posted:ubblol
Thanx for that Supafly. The best one yet.


If everything seems under control, your not going fast enough!

It's not the size of the wave, it's the length of the ride!

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babajaga
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

babajaga

old hand
Location: Berlin, Germany

Total posts: 863
Posted:A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."



So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.





He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!





The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "F@@@@CK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"


What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Hahaha, that joke is a funny one

.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:Alright all my jokes are really bad bar this one coz it aint mine :P

This lady bought a parrot from the pet shop because he could talk, but when she took him home he was the rudest bird you ever heard, when ever she brought some one home he would roar rude gestures like 'some ones getting some tonight!' this happened regularly, the lady didnt know what to do, so she whent back to the pet shop and asked how she could fix the problem, the pet shop owner replied 'Get him a female bird to keep him busy' so she bought a female owl,
took it home and perched it in the parrots cage.
the next night the lady brought another guy home and the parrot immediately screeched 'some one is getting some tonight'
'whoo whooo' the owl said, to which the parrot replied
'not you you flat faced basterd'


"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:ok my last post on this other wise ill be here for days!

this man was travveling along the country and it was getting dark, he came across a farm aand decided to ask for board, the farmer said yes but you will have to sleep in my daughters bed since we dont have any others but you are not to disturb her, the man obliged, he went to her room to find her already in bed, he prepared himself and crept into the bed trying his best not to wake her.
the next morning he woke and went to see the farmer,
'how did you sleep?' the farmer asked
'Brilliantly' replied the traveller,'but i noticed your daughter was quite cold'
'yes i know' said the farmer 'we burry her tomorrow'


"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Bretch


Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present

Total posts: 247
Posted:This bloke is walking down the local market, he passes a fruit n veg stall and was shocked to hear "1lb of apples, only 2 nicka, tastes just like the bits between a womans legs !!!" , siad fella was curious about so asks the stall owner "excuse me sir, but did you just say that your apples taste like bits between a womans legs?", "sure I did" the reply came "I don't believe you" says the passerby stubbornly, so the owner hands out an apple and says " there you go then, take a bite and you'll buy a bag, bet ya!!" So the guy takes a huge lump out the apple, but spits it out in disgust "that taste like f*ucking sh*t you ********", the stall owner reply's "well come on, turn it round a bit!"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Noeye-deer

What d you call a deer with no eyes and no legs????

Still no eye deer!!!


I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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Mr Majestik
SILVER Member since Mar 2004

Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear

Total posts: 4693
Posted:i pissed myself laughing at this one, still think its great

there are two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "you drive and i'll man the gun"

awesome biggrin


"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley

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Wonder Monkey
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Wonder Monkey

Certainly confused
Location: Chelmsford, Essex

Total posts: 121
Posted:ubblol biggrin ubblol biggrin

My Mummy Says Im Special

bounce ubbloco bounce

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JauntyJames
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

JauntyJames

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA

Total posts: 3533
Posted:what do ou call 3 miles of interveinous tubing at Yale university?

one IV league

what do you call one millionth of a mouthwash?

one microscope


-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"

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ISMELLSMOKE


ISMELLSMOKE

newbie
Location: Scotland

Total posts: 13
Posted:Ok, I've got a few here, mostly heard in the pub I used to work in so......

Q: What do you call a fanny, on top of a fanny, on top of a fanny?

A: A block of flaps!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's 4 foot tall and found at the end of a childs bed?

A: Gary Glitters boots!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one that cracks up my boyfriend but I think it's just extremely silly:-

Q: Is that a duck with a hat?

A: No, it's a man with a bill!

(rubbish!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


! Demanding the impossible !

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Penguin Sven
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

Penguin Sven

member
Location: Australia,Vic

Total posts: 185
Posted:what has 74 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo


"glow bugs, to slow to resist eating, to bitter to eat more than one handfull in a sitting" toothpaste for dinner

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Silvur
BRONZE Member since Sep 2003

Silvur

sumthin sumin smmnm....
Location: home sweet home

Total posts: 372
Posted:More than likely I will offend or upset somebody with these jokes; don't take it personally, it's all in good fun!!

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking!!


What does a paki do when you back him in a corner?

Builds a 7-11!!


Did you hear about the chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.


And finally...

Little Jonny and his girlfriend are 8 years old. Johnny goes up to his parents and informs them that they want to get married. His parents, thinking this is adorable, play along.

"But little Johnny, if you and suzie get married, where are you going to live?"

"In my room," little Johnny answers.

"And how will you suppourt her? It costs a lot of money to be married," his parents said.

"Well, her allowance and my allowance together makes $12 a week. We're just little kids, we don't cost much," he counters.

"Well," his parents reply, "what if you two ever decided to have a baby? They cost lots and lots of money!"

Little Johnny looks his parents straight in the eye, doesn't skip a beat, and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far!!"


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myco
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

myco


Location: melbourne, victoria, australia

Total posts: 2084
Posted:offended by 3 out of 4. Better luck next time. wink

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Flame Boy
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out

Total posts: 1508
Posted:Written by: PyroWill

Q - How do you make a cat sound like a dog?

A - Set Fire to it..........WOOF!!




Q. How do you make a dog go meow

A. Strap a rocket and roller-skates to it, put it on the mottorway and light the fuse!

mmmmmmmmmeeeEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.......


AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

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meghann


enthusiast
Location: good ol@ devon. cullompton to ...

Total posts: 302
Posted:lookon the other link, ive got a new joke..

ive learned
life is tough... but im tougher

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