Forums > Social Chat > Dating and age differences

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Not sure if this belongs here or Discussion. Feel free to move as needed.

So I'm starting to date someone who is 20. I'm 26, almost 27. I don't really see a problem except for the fact that he's not legal drinking age.

But at some point, I'm wondering if a maturity difference is going to pop up or not.

Anyone here have experiences with this sort of age difference? What do you think is a "significant" age difference? Anyone hear of the "1/2 your age + seven" rule?


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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MiG
MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG
Member Since: 16th Apr 2004
Total posts: 3415
Posted:I would have to agree that a lot does change between 20 and 26. Its kinda like the body says, 'ok, i've finished doing my maturing bit, now, brain, its your turn'. anyway...

I'd have to go along the 'its your life, if you want it, and you feel ok with it, then go for it'. Its not crossing any legal, moral, or social (age related) boundaries that i can think of, and a 6-7 year age gap can work fairly well. did for my parents for a long time, cant remember exactly, but i dont think their split was age related. right, nuff bout me....

As some guy, ages ago, said "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", which, to me, says 'hey, go for it, if it screw up, at least you had fun at the time'. and another guy, ages ago, said something along the lines of 'we can forgive and forget for something that we did and regret doing, but if we regret not doing something, then we will never forgive ourselves.' which, to me, says 'ok, so you try going for it, and it might not work. That you can get over. What, though, if you decided to let the opportunity go by? you would be forever saying 'what if i did stay with that guy? would i still be with him? what would have happened?'

So, in summary, i think you should go for it.


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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pounce
pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...
Member Since: 10th Jan 2003
Total posts: 9831
Posted:most of what people have said here is accurate. and i think NYC hit it on the head with the fact it's not about the age difference per se, but where you are in your respective lives. a lot of maturing does occur from 20 to 26, it's an entirely different developmental stage (yes therapist pounce brought that up)



i have been dating someone significantly younger than me (i'm not gonna say how old but it's a huge gap). and although he can be extremely mature at times, the differences between where i am in my life and the experiences i've been through, and where he is in his life and his experiences, is very glaring. if he was the same age gap but on the older side, i don't think there'd be a problem. i truly care about him, but the emotional up and down and immature drama (which i admittedly brought upon myself) makes the relationship hardly worth it at times.



i think (and here's where the REAL psychobabble comes on) you should carefully look at what about him attracts you to him. is it him or is it a trait that is lacking in your life? i found myself in this relationship, i've realized, because i needed to feel young again with the abilty to not feel so responsible and serious. my job was bringing me down, my adult responsibilities were tiring me out because i didn't have the balance of having fun and being less serious. and that's why i sought out this young relationship. like i said, i truly do care about him, but there were definately traits he had because of his age that attracted me. and in the long term, those traits alone are not going to be enough to sustain our relationship.


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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MikeIcon
MikeIcon

Pooh-Bah
Location: Philadelphia, PA - USA
Member Since: 27th Mar 2003
Total posts: 2109
Posted:What is the youngest you all would say is good for a 21 year old? I was blessed (sarcasm) with a very young look so most girls my age dont really consider me. Im teh pimp when it comes to 16 and 17 year olds though. In fact, I was at a little get together tonight at a friend of a friend's house and one of the girls there was all over me but shes a junior in high school. I dunno what to do in a situation like that. I dont wanna be rude and just blow em off but at the same time, theres a pretty big difference between 17 and 21. I mean, Id be 25 before she could go to a bar with me confused2

Let's turn those old bridges we crossed into ashes.
We'll blaze a new trail,
and torch the rough patches.

-Me

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Written by:
i think (and here's where the REAL psychobabble comes on) you should carefully look at what about him attracts you to him. is it him or is it a trait that is lacking in your life? i found myself in this relationship, i've realized, because i needed to feel young again with the abilty to not feel so responsible and serious. my job was bringing me down, my adult responsibilities were tiring me out because i didn't have the balance of having fun and being less serious. and that's why i sought out this young relationship. like i said, i truly do care about him, but there were definately traits he had because of his age that attracted me. and in the long term, those traits alone are not going to be enough to sustain our relationship.



That's the part that bugs me. I originally ust had a crush on him because he was pretty to look at. But when we met...he's wonderful. We have so much in common. But it's bugging me because I am analyzing that. I think once I get through this, it will make more sense. But the analysis is killing me.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Posted:Written by: L i g h t n i n g
But the analysis is killing me.





So maybe you need to analyze your need to analyze.

GO MIKE! hug hug hug


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Dom
Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK
Member Since: 19th Dec 2001
Total posts: 3009
Posted:Written by: ICoN

I dunno what to do in a situation like that. I dont wanna be rude and just blow em off....


Gosh! What a hard life you lead! There's nowt much wrong with flirting (unless thier boyfriend is nearby and bigger than you), but you don't really have to do anything more just for the sake of manners!

Lightning - stop analysing, do more experiencing wink


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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:Don't worry about it so much. I have exactly the same problem.

Most people guess from my look that i'm between 16 and 18. I'll be 23 in a couple of months.

Just say flattered, but no thank you to too-young admirers, sooner or later a person closer in age'll take the time to get to know you better and show some interest. I can empathise how long this can take, though... rolleyes


The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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SpitFire
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
Member Since: 2nd Dec 2002
Total posts: 2723
Posted:Written by: Dm

Written by: ICoN

I dunno what to do in a situation like that. I dont wanna be rude and just blow em off....


Gosh! What a hard life you lead! There's nowt much wrong with flirting (unless thier boyfriend is nearby and bigger than you), but you don't really have to do anything more just for the sake of manners!

Lightning - stop analysing, do more experiencing wink



Listen to the wise words of Dom! He knows of what he speaks. Experience, and enjoy it for what it is. If it's meant to be something more significant, you'll know.


Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Written by:
Lightning - stop analysing, do more experiencing



Yes, sir! biggrin


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Konsti
Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Member Since: 16th Oct 2003
Total posts: 785
Posted:Written by:
Well, Konsti, it's not just a number. A lot about you changes between 20 and 26



im not saying that im fully grown up, emotionally developed, and all that, hell im only 19. but how does changing urself interfere with interacting with ppl, at the precise moment? if i start talking to somebody and they seem interested in what i have to say, and a conversation develops and there is some sort of mutual understanding or that "chemistry", why does that dissappear the second i say "me? im 19." ?????????
all im saying is that ppl have shown prejudice just based on my age, without bothering to get to know me.
cool


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Konsti,

Thanks for slapping me upside the head. I needed that. hug


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Ewal
member
Location: London,United Kingdom
Member Since: 16th Aug 2003
Total posts: 43
Posted:I think because people's personalities evolve so much from 19 onwards they tend to think they have done or seen someting which qualifies them to be superior towards other people.When it comes to relationships I find that the past matters not a toffee it is all about what you do together from the start,so therefore age should not matter,on the same principles.What a couple do together defines their relationship,if you can have fun and understanding,that's all that should matter in my book. tongue

the calm and the chaos

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Xopher (aka Mr. Clean)
enthusiast
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Member Since: 8th Jun 2004
Total posts: 456
Posted:1. Lightning, that's called "analysis paralysis" where I come from.

2. Lightning, you're dating an...UNDERGRAD?!?!?!? For shame. (KIDDING)

3. IMO people who are out of High School shouldn't date anyone who's still IN High School (with the obvious exception for people who were already dating while they were both in HS). Yeah, that means you should "date up" when you first graduate.

4. As an almost-45-year-old I think the 1/2+7 rule is too restrictive. But I'm more of a fan of principles than rules, because any hard-and-fast rule gives a stupid result in some circumstances. Principles are things like questions: Can you see yourself still with this person in 10 years? Can he see himself with YOU in 10 years? Do you both want the same thing (casual dating, passionate romantic fling, permanent relationship, whatever)? Can you tolerate his friends, even like them? Can he tolerate/like yours? WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE THINK? (Sometimes they'll have insights that the glow of high limerance obscures.)

5. Konsti, for most people the brain doesn't really finish changing (in personality-affecting ways) until mid-20s. While that doesn't automatically make 19-year-olds romantically untrustworthy, it does make us old folks nervous. Cheap Sex: Yes. Romantic Fling: You bet. Permanent Relationship: Hmm, well, let's have a romantic fling and see where it goes...we'll talk about permanent when you're 25. biggrin

6. Lightning, Christopher Isherwood met Don Bachardy when they were 48 and 18, respectively. They were together from then until Isherwood's death some 33 years later. So you never know.

7. Lightning, you lucky dog! GO FOR IT.


"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations

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Dom
Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK
Member Since: 19th Dec 2001
Total posts: 3009
Posted:Written by: Ewal

When it comes to relationships I find that the past matters not a toffee


I completely disagree. In your life what has gone before affects you, even if you don't know it. We are what life makes us, we change and grow as we live. Personally I wouldn't like to have a relationship with somebody who hasn't had several different relationships prior to learn from.


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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Written by:
2. Lightning, you're dating an...UNDERGRAD?!?!?!? For shame. (KIDDING)



Hell yes I am. biggrin And he's an amazing, funny, beautiful, energetic, intelligent, and sweet man. And I couldn't be happier about it. So nyah.

And furthermore, neener.

(I just got back from seeing him).


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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fraggle
fraggle

member
Location: denver, colorado
Member Since: 14th Apr 2004
Total posts: 94
Posted:Written by: pounce

most of what people have said here is accurate. and i think NYC hit it on the head with the fact it's not about the age difference per se, but where you are in your respective lives. a lot of maturing does occur from 20 to 26, it's an entirely different developmental stage (yes therapist pounce brought that up)

i have been dating someone significantly younger than me (i'm not gonna say how old but it's a huge gap). and although he can be extremely mature at times, the differences between where i am in my life and the experiences i've been through, and where he is in his life and his experiences, is very glaring. if he was the same age gap but on the older side, i don't think there'd be a problem. i truly care about him, but the emotional up and down and immature drama (which i admittedly brought upon myself) makes the relationship hardly worth it at times.

i think (and here's where the REAL psychobabble comes on) you should carefully look at what about him attracts you to him. is it him or is it a trait that is lacking in your life? i found myself in this relationship, i've realized, because i needed to feel young again with the abilty to not feel so responsible and serious. my job was bringing me down, my adult responsibilities were tiring me out because i didn't have the balance of having fun and being less serious. and that's why i sought out this young relationship. like i said, i truly do care about him, but there were definately traits he had because of his age that attracted me. and in the long term, those traits alone are not going to be enough to sustain our relationship.



im sorry i make our relationship hardly worth it sometimes pounce
i dont want to be a burden on u sweety


dance your cares away
worries for another day
so let the music play
down in fragle rock

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Ewal
member
Location: London,United Kingdom
Member Since: 16th Aug 2003
Total posts: 43
Posted:That our past shapes and defines us,is a given.Learning and growing as an individual through previous relationships and life experience is life's path.getting to know a partner is part of founding a relationship,but what happened in their past only gives you an understanding of how they reached the point,where they are with you.So if you can accept their past as being part of them,you can look forward together,liv in the present and plan the future,be that future the next day or fifty years.Hence,past=minor present/future=major

the calm and the chaos

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Written by: Dm

Written by: Ewal

When it comes to relationships I find that the past matters not a toffee


I completely disagree. In your life what has gone before affects you, even if you don't know it. We are what life makes us, we change and grow as we live. Personally I wouldn't like to have a relationship with somebody who hasn't had several different relationships prior to learn from.



As ALWAYS, I agree with Dom. ubblove


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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pounce
pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...
Member Since: 10th Jan 2003
Total posts: 9831
Posted:and i agree with nyc ubblol

and i like what Xopher said in point #4 and 5 biggrin


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:Hi Lightning!! ubbrollsmile

Well I Just got over a 4 1/2 year relationship with a Woman who was 20 years Older than I am. eek biggrin We started Dating when I was 20, and although I was "Under Age" for drinking, we still partyed!!!! There are many places you can go other than the Bar... and really what is a Bar other than a Meat Market. ubblol I looked alot older when I was 18 -21 so I hadden't been carded for a long time, pluss I was living in Montana at the time, so under age drinking wasn't a problem...

My relationship with a much older woman taught me a lot. Girls Don't Change!! They are still as young and energettic as a 23 year old!! wink I grew Mentally, Phisicly and most definatly Spiritually! We traveled to Alaska and Back, with many Adventures between. Although eventually the age diffrence wore on Me! She didn't want to go out and Party when I wanted to go and Spinn fire. She also didn't like the fact that girls where running up to me after shows and fleirting with me... (pluss my mother wanted to have a heart attack, b/c my girlfriend was only a few years younger than she was)

The Biggest MISTAKE I made with Deb was that I took out a $3000 Loan and gave her 1/2 so we could pay rent and live durring the off season at the ski resort... Well Now we are Not together and I have to pay the loan!!!! Learn from my mistake... Never take out a loan with a Partner onless you are married, and both names are on the loan!! eek ubblol

Back to the subject:
Age is of No relivance in Love... Your eyes will tell how old your spirit is, and spirits will attract spirits of the same nature. Shine Brightly, Relax, let go, and go with the Flow.
Love Unconditionally, and have fun, for we learn from every experiance (good or Bad).

A wise man told me (After saying I would NEVER date and older woman again), that it wasn't the Age of the person I should have a problem with, its the langth of time I date them...

Keep it Real,
~Fire Spirit
skichristian

IF


FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Well, given the way things have been going, I've decided that I'm gong to just sit back, relax, and let things take their course. This is going to work out or it's not. For right now, it feels good and I'm sticking with it.



Oh, BTW, he told me he read this thread (I showed him my gallery...he went poking around). I think he was pretty happy with my conclusions. I'd say "Whew! Thank goodness I didn't say anything negative!" but I really never had anything negative to say.



For right now, looks like I have a boyfriend. smile


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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OrangeBobo
OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada
Member Since: 21st Nov 2003
Total posts: 1389
Posted:WHEEEE! Congrats Mr. Lightning biggrin Very happy for you!

*grabs lightning and does some happy dance type thinger*

~ Bobo


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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PsychoTronic
stranger
Location: Greece-Samos-Athens
Member Since: 1st Jun 2004
Total posts: 80
Posted:what I can see of that that you wrote is that the same direction is what I believe the same interests.It is sure that when we start a relationship in the beginning we talk... then we see if it worths our time and our love.Once we see that it is fine we continue.I suppose that from 20 to 27 is a big difference. 27-34 is not that big.I am now 23 and when I was 20 I had half the maturity I have now.There are many exceptions of 20 years old kids that are very mature for their age, but there ARE exceptions(thank god)
Once someone sees that he doesnt fit he could just end this before it is too late and she-he start loving him-her. ubbrollsmile

So I hope I helped:)


"For once there was an unknown land, full of strange flowers and subtle perfumes,
a land of which it is joy of all joys to dream, a land where all things are perfect and poisonous."
"Put out the torches! Hide the moon! Hide the stars!"



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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Well, the fact that I'm totally immature is probably helpful.

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Written by: L i g h t n i n g

For right now, looks like I have a boyfriend. smile



Mike's got a BOYFRIEND, Mike's got a BOYFRIEND!!! biggrin

That young man better treat ya' right... else I'm gonna have to come up there and... actually, forget it, I ain't heading all the way out past Chicago for nothin'. wink


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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MiG
MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG
Member Since: 16th Apr 2004
Total posts: 3415
Posted:lightning and <insert name here>, sitting in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g

that was really popular back in yr 4, whenever two people held hands. *sigh* back in the good old days


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:NYC, I know you New Yorkers have a rather foreshortened view of the rest of the world. I mean, Mount Kisko is practically halfway down the Oregon Trail for you guys.

Having said that, Ann Arbor is 4 hours EAST of Chicago. (East means closer to NYC...just in case you were wondering. ubbangel )

I mean, I guess Ann Arbor could be past Chicago, but only if you go the long way around. biggrin

I'll also warn him that he'd better treat me right or some scrawny high school chemistry teacher might eventually show up and... ubblol ubblol ubblolsorry, I couldn't keep a straight face through that.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Written by: L i g h t n i n g


NYC, I know you New Yorkers have a rather foreshortened view of the rest of the world. Having said that, Ann Arbor is 4 hours EAST of Chicago. (East means closer to NYC...just in case you were wondering. ubbangel )







Sorry dude, I usually nap when I'm flying over the midwest from NYC to Cali. They're not called "fly over" states for nothing. ubbangel


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Ouch. frown

Truth hurts.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:hug

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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