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ellieBRONZE Member
member
38 posts
Location: England


Posted:
Hello my pretties,

I'm in need of something to laugh at as I like kaughing but I'm sitting in my office all alone doing boring work so I was wondering......

What's the best joke you've ever heard?


e*

levellermember
8 posts
Location: Brighton, UK


Posted:
im sorry....this is soooooo not funny but i have to subject you to it.

why did the scarecrow win the award?

he was outstanding in his field

again..apologies

jx

Leveller


Paddyback from the dead...sort of
884 posts
Location: 4341'N 7938'W


Posted:
-to be said when there is a lull in converstation-

"sooooo...how about those corduroy pillows...making headlines everywhere..."


GlåssDIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
my favorite at the moment...

Who's this..?

It's me.

oh.
This is a visual gag, so you might not get the full comedy effect here in Hopland
Glass

[ 13 April 2002, 02:45: Message edited by: glass ]

miss_rummageSILVER Member
member
63 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom


Posted:
here are some bad ones!
but hey its the thought that counts!

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

ok i will stop now for the sake of sanity
hee hee

stay smilin


Janglamember
155 posts
Location: Oxford, UK


Posted:
"I stand corrected!", said the man in orthopaedic shoes.

...terrible I know!

---------------------With a bit of luck, his life was ruined; always thinking that just behind some narrow door, in his favourite bars, men in red woolen suits are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know.


FirePoi-boymember
71 posts
Location: Bantry, Ireland


Posted:
You should do a search. there was a whole thread of jokes. I forget what it was called though.
possibly "a joke".
Anyone heres one to tide you over untill you find it.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse!

ellieBRONZE Member
member
38 posts
Location: England


Posted:
Tee Hee,

I love the Scarecrow one - the terrible one's are always the best!!

Well, aside from the visual ones - like:

What's this....

A rabblt on a back of a moter bike!

Any one know that one?

e*

arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Ok there's my fav.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, and the bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur???"... and the rabbit answers "no... why", so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his arss...

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


Spacemember
63 posts
Location: Victoria, BC


Posted:
Well, for those of you who love the terrible ones..."What lives in arctic and has 2 humps?...A lost camel"

We risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightenment, each thought overcome by anticipation of the next, we take the breaks off


stickyfishmember
39 posts
Location: Lingfield, Surrey, England


Posted:
Arsn, I've always been confused by this joke. Surely the bear would want something that shit would be more inclined to stick to than his own fur. If shit doesn't stick to the rabbit then wiping his arse with it is not going to remove a great deal of shit. Just a thought, or prehapse I've had one thought to many on this subject

Love and Peace from London

arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Yes... stop thinking... All it means is that the rabbit doesn't care if he gets shit on his fur... duh???

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Ok, a penguin was driven though the desert when his car started to brake down. He found a garage and a guy to fix his car. Now it was a really really hot day and next door was an ice-cream shop, so he goes in and buys an ice-cream. Because it's hot the ice-cream starts to melt... The guy comes out to tell him about his car... "It looks like you've blow a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say " Oh no... that just the ice-cream..."

"What do you think Smithers?"
"I think women and seaman don't mix."
"We know what you think. Young lady, your hired."

-Mr Burns & Smithers

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


regulaemember
23 posts
Location: Israel


Posted:
Superman was flying and he stepped on poop...

arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
umm... that may be the joke... but how can you be flying ... and step in poo???

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


regulaemember
23 posts
Location: Israel


Posted:
hehehehe
could we classify this a a phylosofical joke?

another one:
Why are elefants big, round and grey? becuase if they where small, square and green they would be mints

arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Slaps head!!!

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


M@TTmember
34 posts
Location: Pensacola, FL, USA


Posted:
A man sits down at a bar and orders 2 shots of vodka. He slams the first and pours the other into his right hand. He repeats this five more times and upon ordering the 7th pair of shots the bartender asks,
"How come you keep ordering 2 shots, drink one, and pour one in your right hand???"
The man simply replies, "Well, I gotta get my date drunk."

-M@TTKeep the fire burning.


M@TTmember
34 posts
Location: Pensacola, FL, USA


Posted:
A man walks into a bar with a paper sack in his hand. He sits down and puts the sack on the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender serves him the drink and asks, "If you don't mind me askin, what's in that bag?"

"I'll show you" he replies.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a miniature piano. He then tilts the bag onto its side and a man, standing about 12 inches tall, walks out and sits at the instrument. The little man begins to play a beautiful song.

The bartender is amazed at this sight!

"Where the hell did you get him!?!"

"Well, I found a lamp, rubbed it, and a genie popped out and said he'd grant me one wish."

"I wish I had found that lamp!!!"

The man reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tarnished old brass lamp and puts it in front of the bartender.

"You can have it, but be careful."

The bartender snatches it up and rubs it profusely. Sure enough, a genie appears and syas he will grant the man one wish.

"I want a million bucks!!!"

The genie claps his hands, and instantly the bar room is filled with a million DUCKS.

The bartender looks furiously at the man and says, "What!?! I asked for BUCKS not DUCKS!!! What is this genie, deaf!!!"

The man replies saying, "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

yes, it was long. sue me

-M@TTKeep the fire burning.


master sodiummember
536 posts
Location: carson city, nevada


Posted:
a pirate walks into a bar and asks for a drink. the bartender says "theres a steering wheel hanging out of your fly. the pirate replies "arr. . .tis driving me nuts.

you can't have a war against terrorism because war IS terrorism.it's not about worshipping fire. its about making the fire want to worship you.


Traceredmember
71 posts
Location: Salem, Oregon USA


Posted:
quote:
Originally posted by masterna:
a pirate walks into a bar and asks for a drink. the bartender says "theres a steering wheel hanging out of your fly. the pirate replies "arr. . .tis driving me nuts.
LOL, oh I love it.

An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind - Mahatma Gandhi


KyrianDreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England


Posted:
quote:
"Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
lol!!!!!

I'm done now

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....


TheBovrilMonkeySILVER Member
Liquid Cow
2,629 posts
Location: High Wycombe, England


Posted:
I apologise in advance, this one's very poor.

A man walks into a bar..... and says 'ouch'

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.


Tlightmember
189 posts
Location: London


Posted:
A man walks into a bar.
Ow

Yes I know its terrible, but I still like it.

I hope you realize how pissed I am.


taztasticBRONZE Member
member
35 posts
Location: London, U.K


Posted:
I think these are suitably bad!!!

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila!!

-------------------------------------------------

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a hill.

-------------------------------------------------

How do you make a Venetian Blind?

Poke him in the eye with a sharp stick.

[ 17 April 2002, 03:22: Message edited by: taztastic ]

If I could turn back time and take back what I just said; I wouldn't - The Wise Words Of Taztastic (Excerpt)


splerphBRONZE Member
member
75 posts
Location: Perth Australia


Posted:
Warning this ones pretty bad and long

This duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bloody bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any bloody bread! Ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar, you irritating bloody bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Smile and the whole world smiles with you


arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Ok... this is the sickes joke I have ever heard, and if you don't wanna hear it cover your ears... ... Ok everyone don't hold me to this... I heard it... I never made it up!!!

What's better than two sixteen year olds'?

Sixteen two year olds...

Sorry...

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


taztasticBRONZE Member
member
35 posts
Location: London, U.K


Posted:
Arsn: That was very sick!!! Just told everyone in the office. Varied reactions!!

If I could turn back time and take back what I just said; I wouldn't - The Wise Words Of Taztastic (Excerpt)


arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
DON"T TELL ANYONE... that makes me look bad... duh!!!

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


tjoniBRONZE Member
member
116 posts
Location: Freemantle, Western Australia


Posted:
lol at splerph-v cute!
What' the difference between a magicians wand and a policeman's batton? One's used for cunning stunts...urgghh i know but all the short ones i know have been taken

I'm out of my mind...but you can leave a message

If you remain calm while all around you is collapsing...possibly you are missing something


tonemanmember
195 posts

Posted:
what's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea???

One Shucks between fits....

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