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Forums > Social Chat > Is there a place for jealousy

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Icarus
GOLD Member since Sep 2003

member
Location: , Australia

Total posts: 165
Posted:Okay, so this may come across as weird to most, and i know that there are a lot of romantics out there who will be disgusted, but here me out. I actually consider myself a romantic. People kissing makes me smile, i believe that love concurs all etc... ubblove

I grew up in a rednecked small town, where being gay was a crime, and town law dictated when you began seeing someone you had to physically assault their ex at the next party you saw them at. confused This caused me to not have a relationship with anyone until i had moved away, which was, by the brittney spears standards we live our lives, quite late.

I don't really understand jealousy. The last relationship i had was with a flatmate spank and lasted for 4 months. I ended it when it was obvious within 4 hours that he was attracted to our new flatmate. Three days later they were sleeping together but trying not to let me know (duh, room under theirs umm ubbloco)) and not talking about it. I really liked the new flatemate, and after talking to my ex, spoke to her and said everything was really fine but i thought that they needed to talk about what they were doing. I ended up sitting down with them playing go between and didn't leave until they were actually talking about things. 6 months later when they moved out they were still together and obviously totally smitten. All of this only seemed sensible to me. The guy and i were never good for each other. I never confided in him and i am sure he never did with me. We just didn't have anything special, but they did from the start. But what is strange to me is that all of his friends and mine were (while trying to be totally sympathetic and thoughtful kiss) constantly telling me how mad and upset i should be. But he was probably my best friend at the time, and i really liked the new flatemate.
So here goes: I think (still solidifying ideas) that we put too much emphasis on monogamy and the sexual side of a relationship. I mean, i love sex, but i am not as obsessed with it. For me a relationship is about having someone who you can tell anything to. Who you can ask anything, who will always be on your side. Who you trust with anything and you know as well as yourself. And i would love to have that with someone. But watching a lot off relationships makes me feel like it becomes the primary focus of the couple to make sure that the other isn't cheating. They become paranoid and insecure. On the other hand, most of my friends are in long term relationships or marriages that are stronger then anything i had seen before i met them, but agree that they can kiss other friends when serotonin levels are high, provided they tell their partners about it. eek So i don't think that i am suggesting that partners sleep with other people, i think it would take two incredibly strong, self-assured people for that to work. But, I don't know.... Seems like we are having relationships the way they have always been for that sake alone, rather then tailoring them to suit our own needs. Any thoughts? Im i getting a little to serious for a poi site eek biggrin ubblol spank Sorry!
So i want to know if you guys think that it is possible to have a relationship without jealousy? Or does jealousy serve a purpose?
ubbangel Promise! wink

beerchug kiss


... simplify ...

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musashii


musashii

starring Skippy the green llama
Location: Seattle, WA

Total posts: 1148
Posted:Quote:
The best kind if relationships are whee you just don't want to be with anyone else, that's kind of why it's better not to be jealous, beause in that situation the lack of jealousy isn't a forced thing but a sign of love and trust.


Tru dat..It just kind of manifests, it's this bond you know you share, sounds like Arsn n Valura havvit too biggrin Tis a wonderful thing ubblove


First intention, then enlightenment..
Ars Pyronomica

" Life is programmed. Whether death is programmed or not is yet to be determined."

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Valura
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 6391
Posted:musashii
you are lovely... hug hug kiss


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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audax
BRONZE Member since Sep 2001

audax

freelance bum
Location: Upstairs, Australia

Total posts: 286
Posted:I don't think there are jealous or non-jealous types of people. either you have an emotionaly healthy way of dealing with a situ that might provoke jealousy or not. You can be with a person you don't know too well yet and it would be unwise to give them your complete trust before you know that you can. Equally to be on the other side and have someone trust you utterly before you're sure you want to be with them can be smothering. And if you're lucky enough like Valura & Arsn to not have a reason to feel jealous, it doesn't meen you're immune, but by golly it sure helps you understand what it is and why it hurts so much. I'm not being cynical here, people are getting hurt all the time. It's a real gamble trying to work out how soon to open up to a person. Too fast and they think you're obsessed, too slow and they think you don't want them.

Back to the original post by Icarus, It sounds like to me that when the breakup happened, she was already ready for it, and had already worked out that their time was over and it was time to move on. Would that be correct? I meen if she was there sitting them down and making them face up to the new situation, it's obvious that she was more comfortable with the deception than the other 2. it's natural to continue caring for someone even after a breakup which comes from a need to know they are doing the right thing and aren't being hurt, and it's a big person who can sit there and help them achieve it. I was given that gift by an ex from years ago I would barely have grown up since then without it.
The way Icarus' friends were confused by the lack of anger she felt, shows there lack of understanding and their expectations of someone breaking the rules. There's a huge difference between burying an emotion and dealing with the causes of it. I beleive that people in open relationships are simply better and not getting attached and burying jealous feelings. They create a situation they want by avoiding what it is that starts the feeling. I feel that this meens that they are missing the best parts of a healthy relationship and I think they can make it work for a while, but isn't sustainable. Then maybe i have a lack of understanding of how it works. I guess it's down to the expectation. I you have an expectation of what a kiss or sex will do for you, then it sets you up for a change. Some quotes from open relationship types are "I am my own person and noone can own me" and "Why can't friends have sex and stay friends?" Valid in the short term but ignore the fact that things change. The only constant; CHANGE


UYI wink OLDSKOOL

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Icarus
GOLD Member since Sep 2003

member
Location: , Australia

Total posts: 165
Posted:So does true love exist? and does it only exist once, with one person? I know alot of older people that are remarried and confess to truely loving their second partner, without diminishing the love of the first. So what would have happened if they had met their second partner while their first was still alive? Would they still have loved the second? Seems they would have been missing alot of great experiences with the second if you dismissed them just because you were with the first. So is soul mates just a case of whoever is handy, first to come along when you are mentally ready to commit? It has been depressing me lately... I wanna believe in love, but it seems to be more a sake of convenience. Mabye a mix of circumstance, personalities and timing. Mabye once you are in love it doesn't matter, as long as you can keep the passion alive. And for me keeping a (fairly) open relationship, is a way to do this.
I am with a guy at the moment who lives two hours away, and i have been with for about 6 months. With our respective jobs we only see each other about every 2 weeks. We both have friendships (i.e. sex) with other people (who know that we are in a commited relationships), in the towns we live in but share something special when we we together. Both of us know about the other partners, and i am happy that he is enjoying other experiences. I have never felt jealous of his other friends, even when i met them. We don't give to many details, but i actually enjoy hearing some. We are both incrediably parinoid about safe sex, however Lightning's question about sex with someone who is HIV positive is a telling one. I don't love him, but i very strong feelings for him. And i don't think that my feelings for him change just because i feel affection for someone else. Your feelings of love or affection shouldn't be dependant on your lack of affection towards everyone else. However i think that it definatly depends on where you are in life. It will probably change for me in a decade or two. biggrin

kiss


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Stebbins
BRONZE Member since Dec 2002

10th degree spoon weilder
Location: Halifax, Canada (currently in ...

Total posts: 171
Posted:What are these "emotions" you humans refer too?

-Beeaaatch please, I'm the macaroni with the cheese.
-This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.

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