Forums > Social Chat > feeling down and expressing feelings

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SaBBaS


enthusiast
Location: Madrid, Spain

Total posts: 215
Posted:heyall
i'm just feeling a bit down and wanted to share with you, perhaps you could help me...

i've just been through a bit of a difficult time with my beloved one. i know the reasons, she has been in a lot of stress and stuff, had problems gettin time even to sleep, etc etc, but it really brought me down that every time i tried to make her happier, she complained. if i hugged her, i was pulling her hair, if i tried to make a small joke, i was annoying her... etc. today was really tough for me, because i felt really bad, i wasn't having any fun with her, i just was afraid that i was going to do something wrong and piss her off. so, naturally, i was more quiet than normally, and she noticed. she asked me if there was anything wrong, but i just couldn't express it, i didn't even know what it was that was wrong. she asked me if there was anything wrong with her, but i didn't want to make her feel guilty, and as i didn't know how to express what i felt, i just said that it wasn't about her...

well, i have very big problems expressing what i feel, not because i feel embarrassed or something, just because many times i feel down i just don't know what it is that is hurting me, i tend to think that it's just an internal problem... and right now i don't know what to do, if i tell her it had something to do with her, next time i tell her it hasn't got anything to do with her she won't belive me (it's not the first time this happens to me and she didn't really believe me...), but if i don't, perhaps she doesn't notice and continues with the same attitude, and i couldn't stand that...

i guess i'll tell her, it just makes me sick to bring up the subject again... does anyone know how to get over my communication problems?? anyone here feel the same?? and what about knowing where the problem is??


Don't you destroy your enemy by making him your friend?? - Rev Bem (Magog), Andromeda

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin
Location: , Australia

Total posts: 5635
Posted:hey gorgeous. Firstly BIG BIG HUGZ! you need em right now `

secondly, i just want to tell you, that sometimes when you are feeling really down, it doesnt matter what anyone else does for you, it just seems to make it worse, or pee you off. What im trying to say is, your gf is going to be upset about LOTS of little things right now honey, try not to take it to heart ok?

on the subject of communication. I guess the best thing is to have a think. What exactly is it about the way you and your gf react to each other at the moment that bothers you? From what i've read, it seems that you are trying to help, its not working and you dont know how to tell her that.

I think you need to tell her that you are trying, and that you care about her and just want to help but you arent sure how, and you're scared about stuffing up and that you need to know what to do to make it easier/better.

the only way to do this really is just bite the bullet and tell her. Try to get rid of any distractions. Pick a time when you are both at home and dont have other things urgent. Make coffee. Stipulate at the start of the conversation that this is because you care and you are worried. Suggest that if things get too hot under the collar, or hurting, that either of you can call a ten minute time out, to go away, cool off and then come back to talk.

mostly, you just need to decide what it is you really need to say! sometimes you cant say everything you want in one session, so just take it easy.

Do tell her you love her, and you are scared. ` honesty is the best best BEST way to get through to someone

best of luck honey, and pm me if you need to talk or just want to get stuff off your chest. crossin my fingers for you! xoxoxoxxoxo *HUGZ*


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Thistle


Thistle

old hand
Location: Nottingham UK

Total posts: 950
Posted:Big hug to you, and I mean a real hug where I hold you, not one of those wishy washy pats on the back type hugs.

I can so understand how you feel about communication problems. I used to find it very difficult to communicate my feelings to another, particularly the negative ones. I didn't even understand my own feelings most of the time. I was also effected by others feelings and constantly took them on as though they were my own. That you say deep down you don't know what is hurting you could be a sign of some underlying emotional problem that you have which has nothing to do with your gf or anyone else.

One thing that people can do is take on board other peoples feelings as if they were their own to distract them from their own feelings.

A good way to find out 'knowing where the problem is' is to see a counsellor. I had a year of person centred counselling and it helped me tremendously. I am now a much better communicator than I ever was before.

I agree with most of what Flynt says but I disagree about telling your gf how you feel just yet. Obviously how she feels has an effect on you but maybe it would be better to first find the cause of why you let another's feelings get you down. You could come across as very blaming if you say that you are down because of her problems and it seems as though that could be the last thing she needs to hear right now with all the other stresses in her life.


Are we nearly there yet?

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SaBBaS


enthusiast
Location: Madrid, Spain

Total posts: 215
Posted:thanx very much, both of you

i guess i'll tell her, it's not like i'm going to blame her for everything, i'm just going to tell her that i felt a bit frustrated and why i did, but it really isn't as serious as it may seem, we are not going to scratch our eyeballs out... anyway, her main stress source is gone now, so i really don't think there might be any problem.

thistle, you described pretty well how i feel, specially about those negative feelings and sometimes not understanding my own feelings.
i might think about seeing a counsellor, what exactly does he do?? it's to think about what they are called here in spain...

my main problems are that i can't track down the source of my downy feeling and that i don't seem to find any words that don't sound aggressive/accusing/angry...

thank you very much, big s for both of you, if you need anything, i'll be glad to help...


Don't you destroy your enemy by making him your friend?? - Rev Bem (Magog), Andromeda

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin
Location: , Australia

Total posts: 5635
Posted:maybe just explain that you are feeling down but you dont know why? im sure anyone would understand that! i've sure felt like that myself often. And Thistle is right, it may be a sign of a deep repressed problem, something that only you could sort out.

A counsellor is someone who listens to you, and asks questions and helps you get to the root of your feelings and problems. They are there to ask you questions that help YOU figure out whats going on. They arent just going to hand you an answer, they are going to help you understand yourself

if you have doubts about telling your gf straight up, wait a while. Spend some quiet time just on your own and do some thinking. Write down your thoughts and try and explain them the best you can, dont worry if it doesnt make sense to other people!

*hugzhugz* hang in there, remember, you're a wonderful amazing person!


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2996
Posted:It seems to me that the reason you are down is because you care about your girlfriend, but everything you do to try and help seems to have the reverse effect. And you are confused cos you feel you should be helping her, but don't know how.

That is not actually that horrible a statement to make to anyone. If someone said it to me, and then followed it up with "so, what can I do to make you feel better?", I would be really grateful. Ok, so she might say "there isn't anything you can do except be there and listen", but if she is half the girl you think she is, she will appreciate what you have said and understand that you are hurting cos she is.


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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