NoOneInParticularnewbie
2 posts

Posted:
ok, i have a problem here & i just need opinions.

i've been friends with this bloke for a couple of years now (yes it's a man problem!) and recently we've discovered that we feel a lot more for each other than firendship. the thing is i just don't know what to do, if i'd be irresponsible taking this any further. it's not a sex thing, although he's leagal & not a virgin, but i told him that if we do get together we're waiting till he's 20 and that's final! it's just that he's so young, and hasn't really had much life experience yet.

i have a feeling that i could end up hurting him just because there's things that i've ben through before that seem so much easier now. i can't think of a specific example, but there's times in life when no matter how painful things are if you've been through them before you kind of forget how it felt the first time. well that's what i'm worried about. i don't want to let him get attached to me if it's gonna be bad for him.

i've already waited years before we told each other how we feel and nothings changed in that time but something is still stopping me. i've managed to keep this on hold for like 2 years now, but since it's all come out i just can't keep my feelings to myself. am i being selfish? should i just tell him it can't happen? should i try to bury my feelings for another 2 years? will it kill me?!?!

i need advice people!

_Aime_SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom


Posted:
You'll never know untill you try!

I've had 2 relationships with guys who have been a good 10 years older than me. Both ended badly, but not because of the age gap.

Sometimes people just don't fit together.
You wont know if you fit until you try!

And ask yourself why you are trying to tell yourself you don't like him. Because of what other people think? Shouldn't be a problem if you like each other enough.

I hope things go well! hug hug

MikeGinnyGOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,923 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA


Posted:
OK. How old are you? How old is he?

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Informations are pretty brief, but you're saying that it's "NOT a sex thing"... so what's the deal? umm You both have feelings for each other... he is 18, you are... 80?

It certainly will NOT kill you - neither way. But as nobody can predict the outcome - maybe it will wink

Surpressing feelings is not healthy... that's as much as I can contribute right now...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


JTSpinnerSILVER Member
Learnin About Burnin
385 posts
Location: Michigan, USA


Posted:
 Written by: Doc Lightning


OK. How old are you? How old is he?



ditto

I don't see where you are being selfish, but actually more sensible. Will it kill you?? Maybe of a broken heart.

You obviously have had life experiences that he has not had and are concerned that he will not get to experience them because of a relationship with you. That part is really a lousy excuse as I see it for breaking off the relationship. If you do not shelter, hide him away and provide him with all of these experiences yourself, then you are not stopping him from having them. If you want to have a real relationship with him, then your experiences in life can help you both and make the bond stronger. (My opinion of course) hug

If you cannot get into legal problems because of a position that you hold (i.e. teacher, preacher, etc.) follow your heart.

I may be crazy but I ain't stupid

Life is to short to waste it on stupidity


NateBRONZE Member
Groovy ga watashi no namae desu!
1,530 posts
Location: Oxford, Oxfordshire, England


Posted:
go for it

my sister's going out with someone who's like 11 years older than her right now, he has a kid for christs sake

dont let anything stop you

GO FOR IT

unless you're 80 lol

I like Languages.

Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />


IgirisujinSILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,666 posts
Location: Preston, United Kingdom


Posted:
There where 14 years between me and my first boyfriend. Anything below that you wont even need to bat an eye lid about.

Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?


BirdGOLD Member
now available in "advanced"
6,086 posts
Location: Cornwall, United Kingdom


Posted:
Age really isn't important.

If you're right for each other then thats all that really matters.

Anyone who tells you its wrong to be with someone because of your ages really doesn't know what they're talking about!

There's 11 years between my parents, they've been happily married for 31 years now!

It can be done!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


Lost83spyBRONZE Member
Out! Out! You demons of stupidity!
587 posts
Location: Somewhere, out there..., South Africa


Posted:
I think there's really nothing wrong with having a relationship with this guy. If you are willing to try it and work on it, then give it a shot. No relationship is easy, you have to work on it everyday, as I have discovered.

I really hope it works out for you! Thinking of you...

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others

Founder and Official leader of the Curby Clan

*Owner of Brenn*


NoOneInParticularnewbie
2 posts

Posted:
 Written by: JTSpinner


 Written by: Doc Lightning


OK. How old are you? How old is he?



ditto

I don't see where you are being selfish, but actually more sensible. Will it kill you?? Maybe of a broken heart.

You obviously have had life experiences that he has not had and are concerned that he will not get to experience them because of a relationship with you. That part is really a lousy excuse as I see it for breaking off the relationship.



i'm 22 he's 16.

not quite, in fact the opposite! i'm worried that around me he'll experience things that a 16 yr old just wouldn't, he's fairly mature for his age, but still a teenager really - his mum still drives him everywhere! I don't want to expose him to anything he can't handle. without being patronising, cause like i said he's pretty mature, there's stuff that he doesn't need to come across yet. like the sex thing, ok, so he's legal, but the reason i said 20 is cause even if you do it at 16, i's normally with another 16 yr old right? sex is very different when you get older. or do you think that would be a good thing?

when i was youger i went out with an older man, but it was a similar thing, we didn't approach sex, so maybe that's why i'm thinking about it this way now. hmmm, well anyway like i said that parts not the issue, it's just a goodish example of the kind of thing i'm worried about.

but thanks for the help guys! i do feel better, we're just gonna take it nice & slow. smile

SpannerBRONZE Member
remembers when it was all fields round here
2,790 posts
Location: in the works... somewhere..., United Kingdom


Posted:
Random initial thoughts which you may wish to consider:

 Written by: NoOneInParticular


but i told him that if we do get together we're waiting till he's 20 and that's final! it's just that he's so young, and hasn't really had much life experience yet.




At 20, will he have had as much life experience as you'll require at 26?
Is it reasonable to expect him to have had that much in 4 years?
Is it that important to you when that experience is actually an ongoing process that will last past your twenties to the end of your life?

 Written by:


like the sex thing, ok, so he's legal, but the reason i said 20 is cause even if you do it at 16, i's normally with another 16 yr old right?




What's normal? Does normal = good/right?

My last questions is: how does he feel about the potential of your relationship and about your feelings about it? We haven't heard very much of his side yet smile

"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"


GidgBRONZE Member
Super Gidg!!!!
8,506 posts
Location: Portland Oregon USA


Posted:
There is one other issue that I haven't seen yet. I don't know where you are from but we have a non-too gentle term the states. The guy is jail bait.

I'm not saying that it is right or wrong, that is not for me to judge. I would be worried about the legal issues. Is he willing to put you in legal jeopardy if the law is against it? Will waiting two years be so bad viruses the possible 5 to 10 years in prison and becoming a felon. This, of course, is a worse case scenario where you would be prosecuted by the full extent of the law.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is NOT.
Proud member of the HoP DPS.
Sanity is a highly overrated state of mind.
I'm normal ... it's everyone else that's crazy.

Gidg


jo_rhymesSILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom


Posted:
Gidg: in the uk 16 is legal smile



IMHO, you know you want him. Have him! biggrin



You mentioned about sex being different at 16 than it is at 22.

I think that's a load of poo!



People I know lost their virginity at 13 to people alot older than them. I also know others who didnt lose their virginity til they were 24.



But the fact is, you are good friends, you have deep feelings for each other. Just be there for each other and see what happens.

You won't know til you try wink Best of luck hug

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


_Aime_SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom


Posted:
I'm constantly teased by friends about my erm..taste, for older men. It's not something I go looking for, they just seem to come to me. It just happens!



Late last night I sat outside my friends flat having a cig, and a 34 year old comes up to me, tells my I'm very pretty and cute and asked for my number.

That was nice until he started trying to kiss and touch me..then it got creepy...



Anyway, so another example of them finding me.



Looks like you've found him. Go for it it you can hug
EDITED_BY: Aime (1159702810)

GidgBRONZE Member
Super Gidg!!!!
8,506 posts
Location: Portland Oregon USA


Posted:
Well if it's legal then it's all up to the individual.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is NOT.
Proud member of the HoP DPS.
Sanity is a highly overrated state of mind.
I'm normal ... it's everyone else that's crazy.

Gidg


GitasGuyPooh-Bah
2,303 posts
Location: Brisbane


Posted:
From a male point of view from the sex point, and i've had the older women thing at a young age. I was 18 she was 33. And this is my own opinion. This young man would certainly be thinking about having sex with you right now. You said he isn't a virgin, so do you really think your feelings/his feelings are that strong that he is going to wait another 2 years before sex comes into it. Sorry i don't!!!

:admires giant wooden aeroplane: Its about time trees were good for something, instead of just standing their like jerks!!! ubblol ubbtickled

Homer rocks!!!! ubblol ubbrollsmile


IgirisujinSILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,666 posts
Location: Preston, United Kingdom


Posted:
 Written by: jo_rhymes


Gidg: in the uk 16 is legal smile

IMHO, you know you want him. Have him! biggrin

You mentioned about sex being different at 16 than it is at 22.
I think that's a load of poo!





Oh yes it is different, they dont usually know what they are doing at that age, lol! He will probably try to put his who who dilly in the wrong bit ubblol

Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
ubblol umm you'd wish wink

However 16 and 22 is a difference... unless it's a legal issue... you have the opportunity (talking about "the sex thing" here and now) to teach him compassion, sensitivity etc. as you are experienced and he's not. Taking it slow and easy usually is not a teenagers prerogative...

As JT said: follow your heart and you can never go wrong. But make sure it's your heart and not your ego.

Good luck and grouphug

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


jo_rhymesSILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom


Posted:
 Written by: Brit_Joe





He will probably try to put his who who dilly in the wrong bit ubblol





umm



Joe at 16, I'm sure most people know the anatomy of the human body.

I think you are underestimating this guy, and all other 16 year olds out there! rolleyes

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


BethMiss Whippy
1,262 posts
Location: Cornwall & Oxford


Posted:
16 and 22, thats only 6 years, its nothing! When i was 17 i was with a 24 yr old and it was great.

Stop thinking about all the negative aspects of your relationship before you even have the relationship. If things don't work out then they don't work out, it happens all the time. If things do work out then thats great and you made the right decision.

Any relationship is worth the risk.

Aim high and you'll know your limits, aim low and you'll never know how high you could have climbed.


CalvinKlownEunathist
280 posts
Location: Hy Brasil - For real now.


Posted:
I was 18 whilst I was going out with a 32 year old who had a Husband and 4 kids.
On the face of it, it looks like that could have been a disaster.
It was the most rewarding relationship I've had so far.

I could fill a post explaining the reasons why, but at the end of the day, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.

Never lie down with someone who has more problems than you.


Nadojourneyman
61 posts

Posted:
I was in a relationship with someone who is 7.5 years years younger than me.

Im 24 shes 16.

The only people who had an issue with the age where some of my friends. Which i understand.

Its all about the people in the relationship, not the ages.

When i was 20, i was in a realtionship with someone who was 8 years older than me, I loved the fact that i had someone to go to if ineeded advice, i never took it but it was still good.

I think the main issue here is that the younger person has to realise that the older person does know more and has probably been through what you are going through, so usually nows whats right

The older person just has to realise that most people only learn from there mistakes and the only thing they can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes bad

FoxInDocsSILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,848 posts
Location: Adelaide, SA, Australia


Posted:
Mr MiG is two years younger than me, and i had some misgivings when our feelings for eachother were first recognised, but honestly, most of the time i have trouble remebering that i'm the older one... never mind what people think, if you have a strong friendship, having a romatic/sexual relationship will probably work out just fine. Just remember to comunicate is all.

"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie

"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie


Pogo69SILVER Member
there's no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness
3,764 posts
Location: limbo, Australia


Posted:
hmmm... I've lurked in this thread, but have avoided posting in it, because I know my views are coloured by having a very nearly 14yo daughter.

in principle... I agree that this issue is very subjective. it really all does depend on the people involved. some people (I was *definitely* NOT one of them) are extremely mature at 16. this has been proven to me over and again in recent times having made friendships with people of a similar age (17).

however, at 16, mature or not, a person is still developing rapidly. they are in a time of constant change, discovering and re-discovering themselves and the world around them. yes, I know this is true of all of us (I, personally have gone through more personal growth in the last 12 months than I probably have at ANY time of my life), but it is particularly so with one so young.

so, with such a relationship, comes a responsibility to ensure that the elder of the 2 is in that relationship for the right reasons and not taking advantage of the younger (even if they don't realise they're doing it). the fact that you (NoOneInParticular) are posting here, asking these questions, suggests to me that you are aware of, and respect that responsibility. in your case, nathan, I know you do...

as with all relationships, communication is key... but again, I believe, even more so in this instance. as I've already mentioned to you nathan, my view (in typical hippie fashion) is that as long as you do no harm in the process (deliberately) and keep things open, honest and communicative, you should do what makes you happy. with the above in mind, age (gaps or otherwise) is of no relevance.



all of the above is my opinion only, which changes with the wind, so take from it what you will

--pogo (pat) [forever and always]


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