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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Hello beautiful hoppers hug



I'm reaching out to you guys because I'm a little stuck, and I have nowhere else to go. Please, bear with me.





People have always said:



You must learn to love yourself before you can love someone else



Well, in my case. It isn't about loving someone else, because I'm too busy stuck on the 'loving myself' part



How is it possible? How do you learn to love yourself?



I'm guessing it starts with self acceptance? Accepting yourself what you've done, the good and the bad, then accepting for who you are - from every curve to every strand of hair.



Which brings up a another issue of mine - who am I?.



They say 'be yourself', but I don't know who 'myself' is.



So I guess that's two things I need to work out:



First, discovering who I am, then

accepting it.



But how?



I know I'm only young (18) Can I hope that it will all magically fall into place in a few years time? Or will I have to keep searching for answers? Because frankly, I'm sick of searching.



I just want to be content with myself, inside and out. I want to be happy with who I am. I don't want to be stuck like this any longer. I'm not good at self talk, I've tried. I can't do self reassurance or convince myself things either



I want to love myself

but I don't know where to start... frown


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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thegreatBJ


Woman! Not gay Man!
Location: Hull...ish

Total posts: 332
Posted:I hate being given compliments because I never know what to say back so I usually tell them I dont agree but thankyou anyway... its a modest answer but possibly a little rude

I AM NOT A GAY MAN!

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wonderloey


wonderloey

enthusiast
Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

Total posts: 255
Posted:I used to do that.. took me ages to get out of the habit of disagreeing and starting to say thankyou instead.. Its bloody hard.

Someone told me that if you disagree with someone who has complimented you, you invalidate that person's opinion. If someone has taken the care to tell you that you look pretty today, or you have a generous heart, you basically shut them down by disagreeing. They feel a little cheapened, and you certainly don't feel any better, and what's the point of complimenting people if no one feels better for the experience?

I know I have lapses, where I tell people how ugly/crap I am when I'm complimented, but on the whole, if you even accept it with just a "Thanks!" I don't even have to agree, just say thanks.

kiss hug ubblove

I (lovingly) bullied my partner into doing the same.. Its so nice to see her smile when I tell her how great she is. ubblol


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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Stone
GOLD Member since Jun 2001

Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 2830
Posted:Hi roarfire,



Great topic. Ive been searching for a long time now, and Id recommend the Landmarh Forum if you want to discover who you are, and understanding why you (we) act the way you (we) do. Unfortunately, in my experience unless someone is very lucky, chances are that life doesnt magically fall into place.



Landmark Education helps people achieve the goals in areas of life that are important to them, like being content with oneself, inside and out, and being happy. The main areas it impacts are quality of relationships, confidence, personal productivity, enjoyment through living, and making a difference. Red nose day and Clean up Australia are a couple of the many community projects that come out of Landmark Education.





There are a lot of graduates in the Shepparton area. Just pm me if you need any information on Landmark Education or would like to attend an introduction to the education.



more info at wiki





Love and Light





smile


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Someone did tell me about that before. To be honest I've never really known much about it. I might look into it.

Thankyou Stone smile hug


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops

Total posts: 4525
Posted:Wonderloey, thats exactly what I was trying to say! Thankyou!! biggrin hug ubblove

Roarfire, you're looking particularly gorgeous today wink


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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wonderloey


wonderloey

enthusiast
Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

Total posts: 255
Posted:Ahh... There's so much love flying around in here..

*grin*


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:Just a little note from a friend....

"You don't have to like yourself to love yourself."

And its true. Life's easier if you like yourself, but you won't always, and sometimes that may be for a good cause (altho most probably not). But you should still love yourself... now how, thats hard to answer, because I can't really figure out how I've done it myself, but do as much of what you love as you can whilst not putting yourself in bad situations and I think the answer will come to you...

Oh, and never stop exploring!


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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buggleberry_fairy
SILVER Member since Apr 2006

buggleberry_fairy

member
Location: Wales

Total posts: 172
Posted:Learning to love yourself, like valura said is to understand that your not perfect. You do need to look at the positive things that you like about the way you look, the way you act and what you've achieved.

Faith helps, as for me i've come to realise that i've been made this way and this is how i'm supposed to be. Also the plan - where if you everything is going wrong, you can remember that this is how its supposed to happen, there are reasons why everything happens and its how we deal with it that makes us who we are, not the fact that 'they happened to us'. That goes with image - if you hated your feet (random example) then you can think well this is how they are supposed to be, it didnt happen to me, it makes me who i am, and if i can be happy with them then thats good enough for me.

The other problem is what you think other people think of you. *raise hand* i do this all of the time, even subconsiously but it really plays on your mind. I've learnt that repeating 'im happy with myself and if others arent then thats their problem' is a very good sentence, and also although you may be thinking (back to the feet) 'oh everyones going to be looking at them and thinking that they're horrible and be gossiping, staring and laughing at me' the reality is they are probably thinking the same thing about something of them, or are too busy thinking about such things as a row they'd had earlier or whether they're going to make it to an appointment or not. The few of them who do bully, laugh and stare are most likely to have problems with themselves and they're way of talking about other people is how the take the attention of whatever it is that they dont like in themselves.

The other part is your focus in life. Faith, as i said is mine so i find spending time with God helps me to think of where im going. If you have a different belief (or none at all) then you can still spend time in a quiet place - i like my garden - to contemplate on life, what you're going to do and how you're going to do it one step at a time. Have ambitions and dreams, and don't just say i want to do this...go ahead and do it if its possible.

The idea of learning to love yourself before you can love others i think is due to confidence. People will like you because your outgoing and confident, and because you love yourself they will too. Your positive points will shine through and blind them so they become completely smitten. Another idea which i do to cheer me up during the 'i hate myself days' - part of the mood swing extravaganza us girls just love to go through, i write down nice things people say about me, as it not only makes you feel better, but reminds you of when, where and why they said it - so recreating the memory of how it happened recreates your happy emotion you gained from it.

You go girl...and good luck!


"Be the change you want to see in the world"

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Hey everyone. I don't know how to thankyou enough for your guidance and support. It means more then you might realise ubbangel



Looked into lots of things like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, got a few tips from my psychologist like ways to steer the negative thoughts away and replace them with positive things.....and I'm slowly forcing myself to do self talk and reassurance too! smile



The good news is is that I'm slowly starting to sort my head out. It's going to be a slow process but I have a feeling I'll get there one day!



Thankyou all again hug


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops

Total posts: 4525
Posted:Nice one Steph!! hug kiss ubblove hug kiss

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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wonderloey


wonderloey

enthusiast
Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

Total posts: 255
Posted:I love reading the updates to this thread.. its thought-provoking and uplifting.

There's hope for us all.. kiss ubblove grouphug grouphug thankx


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:*bump*



I thought I would bump this. Now that I'm a bit older, and much more mature then when I started this, (was 18, now I'm 20). Here is a bit of an update. Hopefully you will get through it all! ubblol



Back when this thread started I was still hanging around with a bunch of no-hopers who were (and still are) very drug dependant and negative - no ambitions and goals etc. But I have flushed the proverbial dunny and I rarely see them nowadays!



2007 was a very bad year for me, but also very good in some aspects, like friends. I have made some amazing new friends, who, ironically, were pretty much under my nose the whole time. I've known them since high school, I had a bit to do with them back in school but not a lot. It started out when I was going back to my hometown all the time from Melbourne because I hated the city so much. And I'd go out to the pubs and see them all there. And it gradually built up. Now there is a big group of us, 'the family'. We are all close, everyone is very honest, sensible, decent jobs, ambitions, goals, support. There are 4 of us girls who are particularly close, and it's great. I've never had 'best friends', I love them and they love me, and you know why I know, because they tell me all the time!! They are encouraging and strong and most of all, they appreciate me. All that good stuff that I NEVER had in high school anyone.



And now that I have proper friends, I realise that all along, such a big chunk was missing from my life. I never had stability with friends, and now I do, and it is wonderful smile



My self confidence is still lacking, unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit, I still care too much what people think of me when I'm out. I dress up and put make up on and I look good, but I still scan around the room worrying about what people are thinking of me. I know it's rubbish, but I can't help it! I know that I mainly get like this in my hometown, because it is relatively small and you tend to see people from your past that you don't really want to see. In Melbourne it is different because everyday there are new faces. But I don't really like going out in the city. Too crazy and too much fake tan! ubblol



My first year of uni (07) was very tough. It opened up a world that was foreign to me. (I'm studying Justice). We not only learnt about the Justice system, but also about prisons, sex offenders (both in grave and tragic detail) , taskforces in Bali and the Tsunami in and around Indonesia, corruption. I admit, I got a pretty big shock to my system. Most of the people in the courses have some background in law like they did it as a subject in high school, I didn't. I was never one to pay attention to the news either.



But the amount of training, I guess you could call it, that we had has helped me so much. Like learning to not get emotionally attached to offenders and clients, remaining resilient, which is something I NEVER thought I would be able to attain, because I always got sucked into other peoples issues, get emotional about it and completely bypassed important things in my own life.



I have taken myself off my anti-depressants, about 2.5 months ago, because, I just feel like...'you know, I don't really think I need this anymore'. I've got things in my life at the moment that I never had in the past. A strong friend base, a relationship with my family that is better than ever, and a uni course, which, yes, at times, I will whinge and complain about, but in the long run, I know it's great for me.



Thankyou for listening smile hug


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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Lau_Shadow_Boxer
SILVER Member since Jan 2008

Lau_Shadow_Boxer

~ Cup Cakes and Faerie Lights ~
Location: Portsmouth, Uk / Kowloon, Hong...

Total posts: 110
Posted:I'm pretty new to the forum, so I hope you don't mind my input.. But from somebody that has been in fairly similar situations, I just thought I'd say good luck in the new year smile

Changing your outlook life is never an easy task, but you seem to be taking some very productive steps forward. And sound like your feeling the effects already. Those dancing lessons, will most likely help you loads. The biggest change in my life came when I started Kung Fu, and so I hope belly dancing has the same effect on your life smile Good Luck with 2008, I hope its good to you ubbrollsmile


"They say it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile; thus smiling is for pansies" - The Short Gorilla

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast" - Ace Rimmer

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Post deleted by roarfire

.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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Puk
SILVER Member since Aug 2002

Puk

Sweet talented nutter
Location: Brisbane Oz

Total posts: 2615
Posted:Im going through the same problems but it's not bad when you realise your not the only 1.

that shrewd and knavish sprite

Called Robin Good Fellow ; are you not he that is frighten of the maidens of the villagery - fairy

I am the merry wander of the night -puk

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:don't worry, darling.... if (for any ridiculous reason) you would not love yourself, you can always come back in here and receive all the ubblove you deserve from us biggrin

hug

smile


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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jarle
GOLD Member since Mar 2007

jarle

Lv15 Ranger
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 1489
Posted:Hey, it sounds like you've been through a lot but even what you've done before now is amazing!

Self-image is a tricky problem to deal with - I find that being confident in other areas of life - ie socially, academically, dancingly - boosts the self-esteem level really high. In other words, I hope the belly dancing helps as much as your friends!

As for the emotional attachment to other people, it's an incredibly useful skill for lawyers, psychologists and everyone else to be able to remain supportive without compromising your own safety/hapiness. Kudos for picking it up!

hughughug


Kupo!

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:*bump*



In case anyone is in need of some inspiration. I can feel my fluffy goodness and confidence about this year fading already, and it's only March!


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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Pogo69
SILVER Member since Apr 2006

Pogo69

there's no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness
Location: limbo

Total posts: 3764
Posted:*chuckle* ... I have no problem with this at all... I'm awesome...!!! biggrin

--pogo (pat) [forever and always]

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georgemc
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

georgemc

Sitting down facing forward . . .
Location: Christchurch

Total posts: 2387
Posted:Hey miss stripey roary Steph...
hug I didn't see this before - probably just as well or I might have given you a swift slap around the ears spank for being so negative when you have no need to! footinmouth

 Written by :Puk


Im going through the same problems but it's not bad when you realise your not the only 1.


Sooo, can I make a suggestion? Get Nick W's book "E-mails from (over) the Edge" (we've got it on HoP now) because I think it might help you realise you're not the only one and therefore it is possible to cope - and not only cope, but to SHINE sunny

Hey, if I'm ugly as sin and crap at doing anything but can manage to get by, then surely you can do much better...
biggrin ubblove ubbrollsmile


Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops

Total posts: 4525
Posted: Written by :georgemc



Get Nick W's book "E-mails from (over) the Edge" (we've got it on HoP now) because I think it might help you realise you're not the only one and therefore it is possible to cope - and not only cope, but to SHINE sunny




Definitely, and also listen to this:

Nick's podcast


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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blackrose1


blackrose1

member
Location: auckland

Total posts: 198
Posted:How do you learn to love yourself when there is some mean poeple that make you feel stupied im finding it hard to fit in to a new country and new life im not that young so i joined a couple of sites on net and iv gotten poeple message and moaning over my spelling my english not good and i know i cant spell to save my self but it hurts when poeple go at you over something so small im sad and thanks for listning

please have patience when reading my posts as english is not my first language
Im blonde and irish all in one Explains all
Forgive me

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hamamelis
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

hamamelis

nut.
Location: Bouncing off the walls.

Total posts: 756
Posted:hug

I know I'm one of those people who always pick out other people's spelling mistakes- maybe some people do just take pleasure in being mean, but I know I'm only trying to help (when someone is spelling something wrong unknowingly) or, I suppose, teasing.. (though to be honest, I often can't help it- I think I've inherited it from my uncle, who tends to circle typing mistakes in books in red ink, then write the correct spelling next to them... too many years as a teacher!)
Sometimes it's hard to read intent over the internet, but anyone who is getting nasty at a total stranger over the intenet 'cos of spelling.. well.. they're not acting very clever themselves, so are hardly in a position to judge you!

It's also hard for people to know who you are just from typing- maybe people are assuming you're.. say... a teenager who's misspelling because they think it's cool to not pay attention in grammar class, rather than someone who doesn't speak English as a first language. How many of them can type as well as you in another language?


THE MEEK WILL INHERIT THE EARTH!


If that's okay with you?

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:^ ditto

As the son of a language teacher I know where it's coming from (in my case)

In other cases IMHO it depends on the person and the topic. Some people like to dominate, some people like to play the smarta55, some people just try to educate you, but don't find the right "tone"/ sensitive wording as *not* to offend you with their critique.

But to some this can even be a very good exercise to 'learn love yourself'. After all these comments are just a reflection 'on you' - these people don't know you, only judge upon your capability to express your self (in writing, in a different language than your own). If you take this criticism to your heart, then you fall into the trap.

If you like to avoid this, use the marvellous Firefox browser... every word that is not spelled correctly will be highlighted and with a rightklick of your mouse you will get suggestions. Use an online dictionary. It's still not easy to express what you really want to say, but participating in online forums can really improve your language capabilities.

It will show after some time and help you to integrate yourself in a new country and a new language.

In the meantime, maybe put a signature under your posts:

*Please note that English is not my first language - kindly use patience when reading my posts*

Blackrose, it's not you that is stupid, you're bravely facing a new challenge. hug And how many Anglos have miserable English, even though it's their first language?

hug

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. - Carl Gustav Jung

Maybe this page can help to gain insight


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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blackrose1


blackrose1

member
Location: auckland

Total posts: 198
Posted:Thanks to you both i will try puting a signature under my posts once i learn how to do it as im new to computers to im having fun learning im of now to find firefox browser thank you so much for the help

please have patience when reading my posts as english is not my first language
Im blonde and irish all in one Explains all
Forgive me

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:smile hug

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Posted: Written by :roarfire


So I guess that's two things I need to work out:

First, discovering who I am, then
accepting it.

But how?

I know I'm only young (18) Can I hope that it will all magically fall into place in a few years time? Or will I have to keep searching for answers? Because frankly, I'm sick of searching.



experience is the best teacher, homie. you don't know how you're going to handle a problem until you face the problem. i had a similar self-identity problem when i was 18.. i'm still only 21 but if you're anything like me, the transition from 18-21 not only seems like a lifetime but you'll learn more in those three years than you have in your first 18 years. but my tip to you is: don't think about ANY of that. push it out of your head. you can't make yourself love yourself, because if that was possible i don't think suicide would exist. self-appreciation comes in understanding and recognizing both your talents/strengths and your weaknesses, and at the tender age of 18 the two of those are troublesome to distinguish. my advice to you: live! do what you do, live your life, let the rest come to you. wisdom is comprised of intelligence and experience, do your best to comprehend use of both of them and you'll be fine with the self-loving.

but, here's my twist. i'm content with life just having the following:

supportive friends
a car
steady income
and of course;
poi!

life's what you make it. it's only complicated when you overanalyze things. i live by this motto: "it is what it is." another way of interpreting that is the serenity prayer.. 'grant me the strength to accept the things i cannot change, the strength to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' sometimes life sucks. that's how it is. i've been through some (language, sorry) straight up BULLSHIT in my life but all you can do is perservere. hope this helps.

peace,
-holzy


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hamamelis
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

hamamelis

nut.
Location: Bouncing off the walls.

Total posts: 756
Posted: Written by :Holzy


[but, here's my twist. i'm content with life just having the following:

supportive friends
a car
steady income
and of course;
poi!




I envy you. Out of that list right now, all I can claim is the poi.
Okay, there's some supportive people on here that I could claim as friends, but sometimes online isn't good enough.. frown


THE MEEK WILL INHERIT THE EARTH!


If that's okay with you?

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Hmm yeah I've got the car. That's all I have! Stuff with my friends have gone a bit downhill. (Long story) and I haven't picked up my staff for over a year! I've kind of lost interest

I posted this thread when I was 18, and now nearly 21. I have realised that I have learnt so much. I feel like the last year or so has been the most intense change filled years, but I know I have so much more to go!


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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Posted:oh my god, i didn't even look at the date on that! i honest to god had no clue this thread was that old, lol, and it's still on page one.. crazy. but i'm in the same boat as you roar, between 20 and 21 was the roughest time of my life - not only was i going thru wicked personality changes but i had to deal with losing family, got arrested a couple times in a 2-month span which ruined christmas for both households that i reside in cuz my family is friggin retarded and has no clue how to handle stress, constant fighting etc etc. i'm sure y'all would love to hear my life story and everything but i'll keep it at that.

and you should pick up your staff again. toss some weight on that thang and you've got yourself excellent cardio workouts in the near future. the other day i tied up some 3-pound (6.6kg for you metric people) weights on strings and spun 'em, took about 45 seconds for my smokin' ass to be out of breath. damn you marlboro!!


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Page: 123

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