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Forums > Social Discussion > Insecurity is ruining my life

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pricklyleaf
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

pricklyleaf

with added berries
Location: Manchester

Total posts: 1365
Posted:ok, random rant time. frown

I'm posting this because I'm goign through a debilitating insecure phase, that I just can't seem to dig myself out of and is in danger of making me become depressed.

Every day, when I try to pull myself out of it, something else comes and slaps me in the face, however little, and brings everything else back too.

Today I've had a particulary bad day, a tutor slaging my work(I'll try not to start on this, It'll go on too long), finding out the new guy I like at work, has just started seeing another girl at work, and I'm ever aware that the guy I really like at college (who is probably the peron who I'm closest to at the moment), also likes someone else (the girl that bitches about me to my closest freind incidently),
and I was fine about being single (split up 8 months ago), until another guy at work, and also the guy at college brought it up.

I feel a desperate need to be good at things and be given praise, but I feel I just don't deserve it (and I don't recieve it).

Almos everything I say and do I cringe at and think, how could I have said that etc. And I don't like spending time with certain people who I feel are a lot better people than me, and are popular for instance, because it reminds me of my own crapness, and it's almost like they're rubbing my face in it.

My closest freinds are on exchange at the moment, but htey're back in 2 weeks, so I've been even more isolated than i would have been because of this, but even so, they're not as close to me s I am to them.


Why do I have this absolute need to feel special, btu then feel that I don't deserve it, that I'm not, I always feel second best. And then I just feel like I'm being competetive and selfish. eek

I've really tried to meet new people and pull myself out of this, but I can't seem to overcome it. I've joined a juggling club for instance, and I have made new freinds, but I still have noone to be close to. I wish I could stop feeling so sorry for myself. None of my freinds at college know that I feel this way, because I know I'm just being stupid, and if I go round all day saying noone likes me, then it'll become a self-fufilling prophesy.

I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this bad, and managed to pull themselves out of it, and how they did it.


Live like there is no tomorrow,
dance like nobody is watching
and hula hoop like wiggling will save the world.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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nucleon


nucleon

newbie
Location: Eindhoven, the Netherlands

Total posts: 404
Posted:I think you need more hugs for a start hughughughug

I've been there too, I think.
anytime someone gets a compliment, you get jealous and think "why does he/she ets a compliment and I get nothing?"

I cant help you more than this Im afraid, but I wish you good luck with pulling youself back together.


so you think Im not a newbie? Ok I'll be the King of the newbies. Nucleon the king of all noobs

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JauntyJames
SILVER Member since Dec 2004

JauntyJames

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA

Total posts: 3533
Posted:Have one of these:

hug

I have a friend who nearly lost every friend she had because she was convinced she didn't have any. Insecurity is a terrible thing, its very difficult to pull yourself out of it.


-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"

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Sethis
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University

Total posts: 1762
Posted:I think a wonderful quote is:

"Do not compare yourself to those inferior to you, for then you will become vain and arrogant.
Do not compare yourself to those better than you, for then you will become competitive/disillusioned.
Simply be aware that every individual is unique, and you have just as much right to happiness as everyone else."

Live by your own code, and as long as you stick to it, then you should be proud. Perseverence is a forgotten virtue.


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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ado-p
GOLD Member since May 2004

ado-p

Pirate Ninja
Location: Galway/Ireland

Total posts: 3882
Posted:Well you impressed the hell out of me by just putting up that post.

Asking the questions is half the battle. You'll find the answers.

And remember, sometimes it really isnt you. Its them... smile

many hugs for you

hug


Love is the law.

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:ditto What doop said and sethis.......

Stop looking outside yourself for people to validate you. Learn to love yourself. The only person you spend your whole life with is YOU. Other people will come and go. As long as you can look to yourself and like yourself you will be ok. Cultivate the feeling of being at home inside your own skin.

hug If it helps at all I think you have good reason to like yourself. I don't know you apart from how you behave on these boards but from what I see you have plenty there that you can learn to love.


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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munkypunks
GOLD Member since Jan 2005

munkypunks

enthusiast, but not enthusiastic
Location: Los Angeles, California

Total posts: 367
Posted:I don't know what to say without feeling like I'm just giving you platitudes, except that my heart goes out to you. I've spent a lot of my life in the place you are. I second and third what sethis, ado-p, and skul have offered. You have got to feel valuable within yourself - even if other people compliment you, it's not enough to make up for your own feelings of unworthiness. I've seen lots of your posts as well, and I think you have lots to offer (you registered after I did, but clearly know more about poi than I do, give good suggestions for newbies, are completely bizarre in the story thread, etc.), but it doesn't matter what I think. (I know this, because it doesn't matter what my friends think. I'm not going to believe them.)

And if people whom you perceive as "popular" (a truly worthless word, imo) or as better people than you want to spend time with you, why not accept it as a compliment? Although I'm not accepting your premise as true, it could be an opportunity for you to learn. I think Mark Twain said something to the effect of Great people will make you feel that you can be great also. If these people are not doing that, if they're looking down on you (and maybe the people you consider to be your real friends can help you when they get back evaluate whether that's true, because it seems you're looking at life through mud-coloured glasses - and you've started that part of the process, accepting that you're not necessarily seeing things as they really are), then you don't need to be wasting your energy on them.

ok, I've said an awful lot for someone who said she doesn't have anything to tell you....I'm shutting up now. hug


You can't fall off the floor, but sometimes you need a chair to reach the cookie jar.

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.:star:.
SILVER Member since Jan 2005

.:star:.

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol

Total posts: 1785
Posted:i wish i could give you words of wisdom but i don't know what to say except that i used to feel how you feel now and I managed to get out of it. Its a difficult journey but you learn a lot on the way and it helps make you a stronger person when you get there.

hug hug


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rowanlee


member
Location: west coast

Total posts: 99
Posted:hug

First, just want to give you a hug, and compliment you on facing your fears. Recognizing the effect your insecurity is having on your life is a huge step . Asking others for advice and expereince demonstrates a willingness to learn, and a desire to grow. Fabulous! That shows insight, and some remarkable courage! Not only that, but you also articulated it so nicely, sharing it in a forum where others can benefit from your expereince. Right there that tells me you have something of worth to offer, and I have not even met you! I too, am impressed.clap

On insecurity in general, I have been in and out of it all my life. A few things I have learned on the way, is that perceptions, be they your own, or others, are just that, perceptions. They do not neccessarily have direct bearing on reality.wink wink

What I mean by that is, they are influenced by all sorts of things, our family history, belief systems, diet, phases of the moon confused... It is always fluctuating, so dont indulge. Basically, if you can, just observe your emotional responses,and learn. The more I know myself, the less I am insecure. I come to understand what I do, and why.That way I can forgive myself when I do something dumb, hopefully even figuring out how to avoid it in the future... I know there is much within me that can be described as good, and much that could be described as bad, but rather than get into that, I just accept it all , and turn my focus to the bits I can appreciate and develop. We are all human, and humans are all falible, and fragile. You, no more so than any one else.

Quite often, those moments when I feel I did something incredibily stupid, no one even noticed! So dont make it a worry, let it go...

I have also, as I come to know myself, become a lot less reliant on others opinions to formulate my identity. I do not need approval or acceptance form outside sources, though it is nice. Explore yourself, and find out what it is you like most ,ubblove and develop it, so you can provide your own posative reinforcement. If you look within , and can not see anything you like, then first find something that you admire in someone else, and practice it.

Cultivate compassion for example, or creativity for another. These are very valuable qualities we all have access to, and that in most people are just leaping around inside waiting for an opportunity to grow...

It sounds like loneliness is really tied into your experience of insecurity, probably a feedback cycle, one leading into the other. You can break it in two ways that I know of...( I am sure there are others!)

The first is by becoming friends with yourself, learning how to keep the deepest parts of who you are satisfied, entertained, loved and amused- this takes some time, learning to be at peace alone with ourselves. Take the time you have alone, and cherish it! The more you are strong and satisfied , the more that comes across as a glow that appeals to others. It seems to come in stages. Be patient. Even if it does not result in drawing others to you, you are still rich and contented within your own happiness! You can not fail.

The second is to just keep reaching out to people, with affection love and humour, consistantly, regardless of whether the response appears posative or negative in return. Contribute to a community in a way that has value ( I would like to point out that you do that here in this forum very effectively!)

Eventually, you will find people that resonate and respond in a way that gives you a foundation for a meaningful friendship . Many so called friendships really dont have much meaning, other than keeping each other distracted . ( That can be fun though! ;-) I would suggest learning to recognize which ones do, and focus energy on them, letting the others go...

You are truly beautiful, whether you see it or not. It is inherant, part of your being, and can not be given or taken away. Learn to trust that on a deep level, to carry you through the days everything seems to be telling you otherwise. I think you can count on the people here to remind you when you forget...

I wrote this very fast and stream of consciousness,to clarify some of my own thoughts as much as anything. So please forgive me if it is not the most coherant! Thanks for sharing yours, and porvoking this discussion.

ubbangel
big hugs, and some happiness too, ~A
biggrin biggrin
hug


wherever you go, there you are

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pricklyleaf
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

pricklyleaf

with added berries
Location: Manchester

Total posts: 1365
Posted:Thanks for your support guys hug smile

and thanks for the really great advice, Its so hard not to be influenced by others when you give yourself little value and you end up spiralling, Even today some of my friends were saying that circus stuff didnt appeal to them, and it felt like it dented my passion for cirus stuff, but then I realised why and have to tell myself it is just their opinion ( eek)

I think your right tha a lot of this is connected to me fealing lonley, I think this has been triggered a lot by past experiences, from being bullied at school and noone wanting to be assciated with me (although this perception again probably has to do with my own insecurity). More recently my past two relationships have just broken me down. The first one, my first serious relationship, was abusive(mentally) and humiliating experience, the second, although he treated me a lot better, was still really bad for me and left me feeling incredibly insecure and isolated, even before we split up, and ever since (about 9 months), I've been feeling very insecure (altough it does fluctuate a bit).

I very nearly didn't post this thread, (I deleted what I had written before coming back to it later), but I'm glad I did know, thanks guys. I'm startin to feel a bit better already, knowing it is possible to get over this, I know its goign to be a long battle, I hope the long uni holidays will allow me to take a step back and overcome this. smile


Live like there is no tomorrow,
dance like nobody is watching
and hula hoop like wiggling will save the world.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Anna-pananna


Anna-pananna

Thinking...
Location: Oxford

Total posts: 179
Posted:Written by: pricklyleaf

Even today some of my friends were saying that circus stuff didnt appeal to them, and it felt like it dented my passion for cirus stuff, but then I realised why and have to tell myself it is just their opinion ( eek)




How dare they! wink I reckon these guys are jealous of you and your circus skills, perhaps they're too proud to admit that you can do something better than them. Just ignore them, and come to me when you need reminding of how fabulous these prop manipulation arts are! Come to a juggling convention/poi meet (like Falmouth) and you'll meet hundreds of friendly juggler twirler types who will respect you and share your enjoyment of it all.

I too have been in your situation, and actually, i think far more people than we realise feel this way. And even though it's hard to believe, so often people who seem really confident and self-assured worry a huge amount as well.

hug to you anyways, and keep us updated smile


Practice as if your hair was on fire...

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:When I practice at work I get people staring and laughing. They can not understand why someone my age would want to learn to poi or juggle. They ask me all the time "So when are you running away to join the Circus" They think they are making a really witty comment so I just smile. I don't care what they think, so they can really say what they like. I do it because I love it.

We can't all like doing the same things... I have never understood why people train spot or collect stamps, but people do. I guess its just horses for courses. If we were all the same how boring would life be?


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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jemima (jem)
SILVER Member since Dec 2002

jemima (jem)

Pooh-Bah
Location: london

Total posts: 1750
Posted:Surround your self with friends,

surround your self with things you love,

do the things you love to do,

love yourself and you will be loved





I should be a poet biggrin



try smile excercises too, and appreciate the little things, (little things are pretty big and pretty important mind wink )



hug



p.s read my sig

EDITED_BY: jemima (jem) (1117019664)


Never assume
Always Acknowledge

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Posted:i realise this topic has been well and truly answered but i just thought i'd throw in my 2 cents worth, because i know that insecurity is a horrible thing.

i have (and sometimes still do) feel like you are feeling, pricklyleaf... the best thing i ever did for myself was to go travelling on my own, just around australia (where i live) and new zealand... i travelled around on buses and got lifts with people, and stayed in hostels so there were people all around me all the time. it's great fun to travel in your own country, you don't feel like you're too far away from home and everyone speaks your language!

the best thing about it was that i got to know a lot of people without the influence of my usual circle of friends, so i felt really independent and like people were getting to know me because they liked ME and not my friends! you also learn a lot about yourself and how you interact with other people, and how you deal with situations on your own. i would recommend this kinda thing to anyone!

however, i saw that you are a uni student and, if you're anything like me, you probably don't have much money.... but there's lots of cool places to go if you live in glasgow, you could do a trip around scotland or ireland for a week or two, stay in hostels and meet lots of cool international people...and not spend too much money hopefully.... come to think of it, i also did some travelling in scotland & northern ireland on my own, which was also really awesome!

good luck, and i hope you feel better soon smile


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KatP
SILVER Member since Jan 2005

KatP

Muddy fingernails
Location: Way oop norf

Total posts: 505
Posted:Hey pricklyleaf, most of the things I would have said have been said here already, but I just wanted to add that I know just how you feel. I had very similar problems myself until recently (and if I'm honest still do at times). And I also had a similar relationship which made me feel vrey insecure and worthless.

It does get better. You are a person worth knowing, and worth having as a friend, if anyone can't see that then it's their loss, not yours. Focus on the things you like about yourself, and the things you are good at - it's a good starting point! Feel free to pm me if you'd like someone to bounce ideas off / moan to / have random silly pintless conversation with! And if you ever want to get out of Glasgow for a bit (sometimes it helps!) you could always pop over to Edinburgh for the day or something.


Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

KITTENS!!!!

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:Littlewing I think thats a fantastic idea. Lack of money may not need to be a huge problem if you are careful how you travel and where you stay. With the HoP 'hotels' being all over the world you should always be able to find somewhere to lay your head down for the night. Just be careful to make sure you have an idea of who the people from HoP you stay with are and are well known to many HoPpers in real life not just on line. Also if you carry a small tent around with you, even if you can't find somewhere to stay you can pitch it sneakily somewhere for the night.

I love that idea so much I might even do it hug Thanks littlewing.


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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rowanlee


member
Location: west coast

Total posts: 99
Posted:I love littlewings idea too! and Jem, you summed it all up so well, you should be a poet! *are you?*
Hope it is going well Prickly Leaf!


wherever you go, there you are

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jemima (jem)
SILVER Member since Dec 2002

jemima (jem)

Pooh-Bah
Location: london

Total posts: 1750
Posted:I'm no poet, but poety is cool smile it just appeared in my head eek

insecurity and depression and and such like is lessened with the laws of distraction, it works with children supposedly, so why shouldn't it work with us?

have lots of little hobbies, maybe, never be afraid to try new stuff (curiosity makes a happy cat, ...............i heard that somewhere.....................), and yes like skully said,you are the only person you have to be with your whole life !


Never assume
Always Acknowledge

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Nephtys


Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

Total posts: 835
Posted:Hey hon, many hugs to you!
Plenty of fantastic advice above, I have one thing to add: Whenever you're being hard on yourself, try to take an outsider's view: what would you think if one of you're friends were acting or feeling the way you were? Chances are, you'd think it was completely normal and acceptable...

And adding to the above: come visit the poi crowd in Holland!! We have a couch to spare and will feed you smile

hug hug hug

Neph


everyone's unique except me

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pricklyleaf
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

pricklyleaf

with added berries
Location: Manchester

Total posts: 1365
Posted:thankyou again guys! offtopic but theres actually a small chance I will be visiting Holland in September, will keep you updated.

Live like there is no tomorrow,
dance like nobody is watching
and hula hoop like wiggling will save the world.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Bumfro


Bumfro

Its a bum with an afro...
Location: Newcastle NSW

Total posts: 223
Posted:haha way to break the mood, leaf smile
Keep on trekkin though, sometimes we feel bad, other times we feel good...Just take it as it comes and try to stay positive
much love kiss
Trent


Racism is a weapon of mass destruction

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Mynci
BRONZE Member since Apr 2005

Mynci

Macaque of all trades
Location: wombling free...

Total posts: 8737
Posted:Not pulled out of it, just learnt to be a bit nasty back. I have learnt to grab my life by the balls and start to fight back. I get severe paranoia that does no good for my relationship but try to stop it's head poking out in public.
If you want Some cheering up, me and my girl are up in sorbie in june we'll pay you a visit and show ya people can be nice and when ya meet me you'll be put off men for life ubblol
give me a PM or e-mail if you're around sorbie on 24th to 26th june juggle


A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.

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brodieman


brodieman

old hand
Location: london

Total posts: 1024
Posted:awww i can honestly say i know how you feel and what your feeling.

One thing that really helped me
"Every person on this planet is a equal sum of diffrent and unique parts."
i have never met a perfect being, even people who you precive as having it all are not all there.
People are sometimes cruel, because it helps them deal with their own insecureities.
Understand that people sometimes critasise what they cant and secretly want to be able to do.
You are special because you are unique, look for your qualities through the eyes of those that care the most about you.
Nothing in life is to be feared only understood
Be happy smile


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Brian:-)
BRONZE Member since Jun 2004

Brian:-)

stranger
Location: London

Total posts: 37
Posted:Hi,
Lots of good advice here.
It is difficult when your feelings take a downward spiral. Like with stairs, down is easier than up so work at it.
"Why do I have this absolute need to feel special?" Everyone does. Do you know any Jugglers/Poiers etc. who really only want to do their thing in private? Some people may say they are not impressed but they are only jelus (Ok. I tried but I can't even get the spelling close enough for the spell checker to fix it!). If you have joined a juggling club, I think you have made a step in the right direction. Jugglers are generally nice people.
Everyone that has replied to you has done so because they care. I don't think anyone here would object to you PM ing them. Make friends online. It is easier than walking up to someone in real life. I am a good listener. If you want to have a rant feel free.


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