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Forums > Social Chat > Anuvver Random Joke (Thread)

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SmallBoy - x


SmallBoy - x

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London

Total posts: 2737
Posted:A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a
sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she
touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral 5ex will do
the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd
close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and
went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband said, "I think
she choked."

[ 24 September 2002, 21:56: Message edited by: SmallBoy ]


Small Lardy Person In Disguise

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SmallBoys Evil Twin Brother


member
Location: London

Total posts: 55
Posted:A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices however, that all the monks are copying from copies and not
from the original manuscript.

So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be
picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point my son."

So the abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The
young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all
bloody and bruised and the head abbot is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father ?"

With a choking voice the old abbot replies "The word is celebrate."


I don't rebel against the system, I created it for the misery of others.

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SmallBoys Evil Twin Brother


member
Location: London

Total posts: 55
Posted:ONE LINERS FOR THE STRESSED AND IRRITATED

1."Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well aren't we a Bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a F*cking people's person!?"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
13. "Practise random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to
sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."


I don't rebel against the system, I created it for the misery of others.

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Thistle


Thistle

old hand
Location: Nottingham UK

Total posts: 950
Posted:A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask:

"What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?


Are we nearly there yet?

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Paddy


back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W

Total posts: 884
Posted:Ooo, I've been looking for this thread. Heard a great one a week or so ago. Please excuse me if it's taken in bad taste...I think it's alright and it's no worse than anything in here already.

----

A little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"

"well," replies the mother, "we were taking you for a walk in the garden one day, and a rose petal fell and landed on your forehead, so we called you rose."

just then the little girl's sister comes into the room. "and why did you name me Lily, mommy?"

and the mother replies, "welll, one day when we were walking by the pond, and lily petal was blown by the wind, and it landed on your forehead, so we called you Lily."

just then, the brother of the two sister comes into the room and starts babbling incoherently at the top of his lungs. the mother turns to him and yells, "Shut up, Fridge!"


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LuNcHbOx...(Aka. Nathan)-un-single


member
Location: beneath a cloak of self-tortur...

Total posts: 536
Posted:try this site
it is frekin' funny!!!!

[ 08 October 2002, 12:54: Message edited by: LunchBox? ]


-LuNcHbOx, Aka. Nathan...Give a man to fish, and that man knows where to come for more fish...Teach a man to fish and you have just destroyed your market base...

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LuNcHbOx...(Aka. Nathan)-un-single


member
Location: beneath a cloak of self-tortur...

Total posts: 536
Posted:go to "foods" then go to....the one with the peguin it is funny....

-LuNcHbOx, Aka. Nathan...Give a man to fish, and that man knows where to come for more fish...Teach a man to fish and you have just destroyed your market base...

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Phuhzzzie Wuhzzzie the Pumpkin King


member
Location: Melbourne, the new Land of Nod

Total posts: 141
Posted:Baby Joke: If you are offended don't read this.

How do you get a baby in a jar? With a blender.

How do you get a baby out of a jar? Corn Chips.


A wise man once said to me, Hey! You! Get out of my wardrobe! and in a way, I guess he was right.

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UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel


Total posts: 15414
Posted:YUK.

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Nephtys


Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

Total posts: 835
Posted:THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Keep Scrolling

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun?
Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is
TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending

them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!!
Good Luck!!!


everyone's unique except me

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Nephtys


Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

Total posts: 835
Posted:Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs,

no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because

for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little
Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent
and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send
this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you

will die instantly.

Thanks again!!


everyone's unique except me

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Nephtys


Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

Total posts: 835
Posted:Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as
many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7
minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
crack
in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a
flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she
smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey,
some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were
cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like
Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and

everything will be okay.


everyone's unique except me

Delete

Nephtys


Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands

Total posts: 835
Posted:As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and
your
breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat
full of assholes.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
your
sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you
should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the
cleaning lady.

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his

wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!


everyone's unique except me

Delete

SmallBoy - x


SmallBoy - x

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London

Total posts: 2737
Posted:True story (Apparently)
Was gonna post it in my last thread but hey....might get some more people to post here.

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realise that nothing is going to happen! that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store...
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth 200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a new hat, when she doesn't ever wear hats. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face .
it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."


Small Lardy Person In Disguise

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SmallBoy - x


SmallBoy - x

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London

Total posts: 2737
Posted:Good one from Hels

"A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...

Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2
sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to
your wife. I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows
Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"

Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town,
if she finds her way home, don't shag her"


Small Lardy Person In Disguise

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the_mods_stole_my_name
SILVER Member since May 2006

the_mods_stole_my_name

travelling without moving
Location: Maghull, Liverpool

Total posts: 1286
Posted:my 2 year old neice told me this one!

Why was the sand wet?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Because the seaweed!


Heilige Scheie, Batman kommt!

Reality is just a state of mind which occurs through a lack of lsd

XxX owned by devilsarmy XxX

O.B.E.S.E.

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Page: 12

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