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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:What makes a person genuine, or how do you know they are being so?

There's a person in my close group of friends that has been rather annoying to me lately. So, I've decided to look at why I am having this particular reaction to her. I think it's because her actions don't seem genuine to me at the moment. She's been in a relationship for almost a year, and we haven't seen much of her as a result. However, lately there have been some troubling times between her and her beaux (they even broke up for a short period of time). Thus, she has resurfaced as a major presence in the friend circle. But, it seems to me that her intentions aren't honest and that she is only using us. She doesn't know how to be happy with herself and needs constant attention from someone. It's her need and constant thrusting of her daily activities on others that is grating on me.

So, when you choose to be friends with someone, how do you know their intentions are genuine? Are you guarded with your friendship at first and relax as time goes by? If so, are you worried that they will think you are trying to hide something and won't want to hang around you? What do you do if they turn out not to be genuine?

It's this last question that I am now grapling with. I know there are others amongst my friends that feel the same way I do, but I doubt everyone does. How would you handle the situation? Avoid her as best as possible or perhaps something better?


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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas

Total posts: 3899
Posted:most people dissappear for a while when they have a new romantic interest and then come back later.

-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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ASTRO FAERIE
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

ASTRO FAERIE

ummmmmmm.............
Location: Rotherham, UK

Total posts: 724
Posted:Well for me its when you share problems on an equa level.
Basically, there needs to be give and take on both sides.

But i agree with Vanize too, when you are in a relationship your priorities slightly change, and friends will/should accept that you will want to spend more time with your partner, Although it doesnt excuse only coming back to get support when you want it, then leaving the group again once you have gotten what you wanted.


Only when the last tree has died
and the last river has been poisoned
and the last fish has been caught
will we realise that we
cannot eat money.

Cree Indian, 1909

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:Yes, that is true, Vanize. What I failed to mention was that this person was annoying me in the same fashion even before she became involved with the boy about a year ago. I had a way to avoid her for a while, but now that way is gone. I'd like some advice for how to deal with her now. Avoiding her entirely is not an option as we frequently wind up in the same room together and I suck at small talk.

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:Sorry, I guess I should mention that I do understand being away for a while due to a new boy (or girl). I have no problems with that, but with the way she is behaving at the moment.

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hey missus,



I understand your problem, I have a very close friend (there's a group of five of us) whom I've known for over 20 years... we're like sisters and I love her to bits.



When we were teenagers the other girls and I realised that every time she got a boyfriend she totally abandoned us... coming back when the relationship ended. Admittedly things are a little different now as we're all doing different things, but it took us a while to realise that this is just how she needed to be.



It pissed us off at the beginning, but we knew it was what she had to do, we continued being her friend regardless of when we saw her.



Now, at 26, we're all rubbish at staying in contact, and we only really meet up a few times in the year... but it's always like we haven't left. We spend a few hours telling our stories and tales of woe and it's like we've never been apart.



Some people just need friends for different things is all. If you like her as a person then how often you see her doesn't really matter... but if you don't like her, or she irritates you, then best (in my opinion) to ask her directly about whatever is bothering you, or try to be polite and civil and otherwise ignore her.



Take care

hug



Getting to the other side smile

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:Ok, the point of me posting this is obviously not coming across. I could care less that she disappears when she gets a new boy. Actually, I'm thrilled by this as it means I have to interact with her less.

My current mode of operations is to ignore her as best I can (I'm not fond of her, and have had many an arguement with her when I attempt to get to the root of the problem). I'm just sick of obviously leaving the room when she enters, so I'd like some other solutions. Being civil (thus fake) is not me at all.

I was more asking about how people could tell if someone else was genuine before they entered into a relationship (of any kind) with them. I don't feel this girl is genuine in many of her friendships that she has had over the past several years. So, I was wondering how other people dealt with the issue.


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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Civil isn't fake. Civil is just polite and well-mannered... you don't have to tell her you love her or anything.

Up until 2003, when my confidence was shaken, I thought I was able to read if someone was genuine before entering a friendship. I lost that ability for a while, but I'm finally getting the confidence back - it's taken a long time.

I taught myself to kindof (and it's not an exact thing) read people through watching people interact and speaking to people - and basically, practicing. If someone isn't genuine (only in my opinion) they tend to be distracted often, disinterested, don't return calls or texts, or are generally disrespectful to your feelings and interests.

But, if you're the cautious type (which most people are) I guess you have to listen to your gut instinct. If you don't feel she is genuine then don't deal with her... be civil. The alternative is to speak your mind.


Getting to the other side smile

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My hairs on fire


My hairs on fire

If its got pistons or boobs, its gonna be expensive...
Location: Cyprus

Total posts: 515
Posted:I think the only way your ever going to find out if a person is genuine is to spend a whole bunch of time with them. No one can pretend to be somthing they arnt or to act in a certain way for ever and eventually there trure self will come out.

Henry Hill - 'One day the kids from the neighbourhood carried my mothers groceries all the way home, you know why? It was out of respect'...

ahmet_20valve_ahmet(at)hotmail(dot)com
Hope all is well : )

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spritie
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX

Total posts: 2014
Posted:For me, being civil is being fake. I am very blunt and open about how I feel. My face is very expressive. I don't "make nice" well at all and I hate having to be polite to someone just because. If they do something to bug me, they know about it, and we try to work things through. Well, I tried that many years ago with this lady, and it went horribly. She got mad at me, she broke my trust twice, and that was that. I'm usually not guarded much at all in friendships so I don't really have anything to fear. If someone likes me - great. If not, oh well.

If I speak my mind with her, things only get worse for many people as she can whine worse than me. Oh well, thanks for trying to help.


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SpitFire
GOLD Member since Dec 2002

Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada

Total posts: 2723
Posted:Keep doing what you are doing, spritie. Just because she floats in the same circle of friends as you, it doesn't mean you have to talk with her.

I understand where you are coming from, and have resigned myself to ignoring such behavior. Why fan the flames?


Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.

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_pOp_
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

Playing OldSchool Poi
Location: amsterdam

Total posts: 593
Posted:yeah, I'd say just ignore her being there, don't give her any funny looks or anything, just look the person next to her in the eye. only converse with her when she's actuall addressing you personally and keep it to chit chat. don't be rude, or else it might get vindictive when she thinks you hold a grudge against her, because you don't really, you are just not interested in her friendship (anymore). just be only as talkative as you really need to be.

meditate eRic.

I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

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dafunkymahn


member


Total posts: 54
Posted:Spritie, if you are a blunt person than be blunt. If your other friends are true then her whining is not something you should worry about. Ignoring her may work for a while but unless you address the problem it will fester and make matters worse in the long run. It is my experience that if you have a problem with somebody hash it out and move on.

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Will it upset your other friends if you block this person. We have a few people in our social circle who have betrayed us to the point where we simply barely see them anymore.
Its become such a habit that our vision simply slides past them.
Our close friends know how we feel and understand. they dont all agree but see that we are not prepared to deal with these ppl anymore. Its actually easier than being falsly civil.

I am an appalling judge of character and this is why we had become close to some of these people and were betrayed so badly by them. My husband is a fair judge and didnt like them from the beginning.
Firepoises idea of watching and studying is a good one, sometimes people just cotton onto you and cant get the hint though. Sounds like she is like this.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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flash fire
BRONZE Member since Jan 2001

flash fire

Sporadically Prodigal
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2758
Posted:Hmmm, tough one spritie. The evil (now redeemed) me would have advised you to manipulate the situation so that this girl did something to annoy the whole group, whilst you had gently been reinforcing the fact that she's not to be trusted, thus outsting herself. But, I don't like playing games like that, so wouldn't recommend it. smile

I'd just be upfront with her. Tell her you don't like her and don't trust her and choose to not have her influencing your life. I'd tell her exactly what she does that is so aggravating and advise her that her constant need for attention and gratification is betraying her neediness and lack of self confidence, and that there are steps she can take to overcome this. If nothing else, it might make her think a bit about the way she is behaving.

Nothing like a little rejection to bring on the soul searching wink


Disclaimer: I am a nice person and choose to not use my powers of manipulation over individuals or groups. smile


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Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas

Total posts: 3899
Posted:While actually good advice in general and for most groups, the group advice being given to Spritie here does not necissarly apply because the group has a special dynamic. Most of the people involved are Burningman types, and try (often imperfectly) to apply the burningman ethos of universal acceptance. In some ways it is a very open and accomidating group, allowing a wide range of behaviour wihtout long term repercussions. There is naturally also a lot of overlap with the fire, poi, bellydance, art car, techno, and other artistic communities in Houston involved, which are all faily large and highly interweaved - part of what makes Houston a nice place in my opinion. Problem is, this makes for some rather special considerations on how to deal with others you do not naturally get along with.



I had the same problem as Spritie with another member of that group, though he and I never really had a real argument per se, he did have it out for me because he was an overly jealous/envious and obnioxiously loud yahoo. because of the accepting nature of the core group and the fact that his wife was actually quite cool (still is, though she is now much better off as his ex-wife if you ask me), I had to deal with him on a level that did not sit well with me. And, again because of the nature of the group, I had to withdraw more than a little of my intimacy with the group because I (rightfully I still believe) did not trust him. I eventually (through my diplomacy, not his) was able to get his attitude towards me modified enough that he was more or less neutral towards me (which is where I wanted it, as I am not interested in him as a friend at all, but have no desire for animosity either).



My point is that while I think Spritie can enjoy a fair amount of group support on this issue (as many people have had problems with the same girl), the attitude/philosophy of the group is not such that she can hope for them to excommunicate anyone or even really recieve much support publically. Basically what Spritie has on her hands is the same kind of diplomacy problem I had before, and diplomacy is pretty much the only solution short of inflicting the other woman on some other guy who she will get so infactuated with that she'll disappear for another year. But as Spritie said, diplomacy/being civil is not really her strong suit. What Spitfire and PoP have said so far are about the most applicable things relating to this situation, which is quite complicated.



One thing for me to add - the less you whine and make an issue out of it to the group and the more she does, the more popular opinion will sway towards you. I know the natural thing to do is to defend yourself if someone attacks your character, but in the long run, people will choose the person who makes the least waves and whines the least. In this case, fight fire with water. Zen will win. Don't make any public rows and don't obviously snub her, but no need to do anything for her or pretend to be her friend either. The group knows that not everyone in the group can be best friends with everyone else, and that is accounted for (often imperfectly, but at least they try). when you do fire performances together, just keep it businesslike, and for that matter keep it businesslike the rest of the time too.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:To a degree, I personally don't believe anyone is truely geniuine. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I mean everyone has their downsides, it's just a matter how much you can tolerate it. Everyone is two faced to some extent one point in their life, I don't think many people can say they've never lied in their life.



Only now, for once in my life am I starting to believe I have one geniune friend and it's taken me 18 years.



From my personal experiences, they're either too wound up in addictions to drugs, opposite sex, same sex whatever way they swing, getting drunk at school and too wound up in their image.



I believe you can never really tell anyone anything, because someway, it will always get out and others will find out.



Here I am, a 17 year old sounding like I'm 40.



Sorry guys, this all seems very negative but it's just my opinion....maybe I'm a little bit too mature for my age!


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas

Total posts: 3899
Posted:Written by: xabandonedx

To a degree, I personally don't believe anyone is truely geniuine. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I mean everyone has their downsides, it's just a matter how much you cant tolerate it. Everyone is two faced to some extent one point in their life, I don't think many people can say they've never lied in their life.




if I am going to be completely honest, I have to say I agree with you. This is certainly a matter of degrees.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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