Page: 12
Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I found out last night that a good friend of mine is suffering from depression. Her husband won't let her see a counsellor or get help of other kinds.

So last night she approached me and being the concerned friend I begged her to seek professional help because I hardly think that I could be of much help to her. I mean I can listen but I don't know what to say to her.

So I have been suffering from PTSD for 7 years but it is different from other forms of depression and I don't want to say something that could make it worse for her.

I don't really know what else I can do for her.

Her husband is a total hard arse and believes in working things out by yourself...but I can see she is having a hard time coping.

Any ideas guys?


Delete Topic

Stone
GOLD Member since Jun 2001

Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 2830
Posted:Hi Medusa,

Tricky situation, perhaps she could phone a professional.

Some Aussie depression sites. Beyond Blue, is the national project that Jeff Kennet works for.

Beyond Blue

depression net

bluepages

These sites arent a substitute for professional counselling. So maybe if the hard arse husband knew a bit more about the problem he might have a different opinion, after all there is a National campaign on depression in Australia.


Failing that, then you might suggest seeing a counsellor when hes down the pub drinking with his hard arse ocker mates.

Good Luck smile


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

Delete

Sakura_Moon


Sakura_Moon

Hop's Kitten Jester.
Location: Wonderland igloo, Vic, Austral...

Total posts: 1803
Posted:Having suffered from it myself, i can understand how hard it must be to go without counselling, i did for around two years. All i can say is that Stone has mentioned some really good websites that do help - but are, as mentioned, not a substitute for real counselling. Perhaps, your friend should see a doctor and not mention the reason for going to her husband? Thats if he alllows her to see a doctor, which i hope he would.
Not knowing her, or you, i can only give a certain amount of advice, but i can say that i feel for her, and wish her the best of luck - because depression is nasty, and some people dont understand that and believe that ti ahs to be "worked out on your own"


.:Pink Exocutioner:.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct...

Loving you from the deepest part of my loins.


Delete

Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Maybe find a group social session for her rather than an individual psych, he may find that too intimidating the idea of her talking to a professional and judging him.
I guess it depends of the type of depression. Post natal often responds well to mothers groups I think, but other types really need different help. Would it help her to simply become involved in a new hobby??? Not a solution but may help her somewhat. Will she come to spinning???.....
She has made a first enormous step in admitting a problem and seeking help.....well done Medusa!!! The simple act of talking to a friend is so good, often we arent seeking a solution from that friend just empathy and time.

hugs to you Fi hug hug hug


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:She approached me last night and asked me to help her....tell her how to deal with her problem then explained what was going on.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much I could do becuaes her form of depression would be different to mine....I was so stuck for words...

I agree admitting a problem is the first step but now what.

Her husband is a control freak hard arse...if she brushes her hair the wrong way he has a hissy fit so I can't exactly see him bending in anyway in getting her help.

I forwarded those web addresses to her and hope it helps.

I feel for her because I know what it is like to feel alone and going through this sort of bad stuff but I can't even try to compare what she and I go through as it is two different things.


Delete

Nate
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

Nate

Groovy ga watashi no namae desu!
Location: Oxford, Oxfordshire, England

Total posts: 1530
Posted:my sister has suffered from depression before

the only way she was going to solve anything was for her to confront what was making her depressed

but some people dont know why theyre depressed so i dont know

i hope you and your friend sort this out, all you can do is try and help in any way you feel would help

and listening is a very good way of helping sometimes


I like Languages.

Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE! <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hug.gif" alt="" />

Delete

Elemental666
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

member
Location: Bville, OK, USA

Total posts: 45
Posted:1. Depression is serious, it effects you health mentally, physically and spiritually. In fact, there have been a few cases where sig other not allowing their partner to seek counselling has been determined to be abuse. Her husband needs to be confronted and if he doesn't allow his wife to get healthy, she needs to leave him, at least temporarily. Sounds extreme, but for the suffering not getting help can cause, its more than worth it.



2. The best thing anyone can do for outside of counseling is provide a SAFE and COMFORTABLE environment for your friend to be WHENEVER she needs it. Listening and providing a shoulder to cry on are extremely helpful to those suffering depression.



3. Take an active role in communicating with her. Call her frequently to check on her. Let her know you are there and care for her. Sometimes we just need to know we are loved.



reguarding #2, providing a safe comfortable environment also means someplace where she can just be. no talking or figuring anything out, just be.



good luck

EDITED_BY: Elemental666 (1109056539)


Delete

myco
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

myco


Location: melbourne, victoria, australia

Total posts: 2084
Posted:i don't want to pass judgement on someone i don't know, but from what you say the husband seems like a major hinderance to her mental health. have you talked to her about her feelings towards him? although, this might be touchy, because if she is in an abusive relationship (emotionally or otherwise), she may be reluctant to discuss it.

i was in an abusive r'ship some time ago, and was scared to tell people in case they'd tell me to leave him. it is common for abusive partners to manipulate the other into feeling that they need them, and discourage them from talking to others. so a counsellor may be a threat to the husband.

again, i don't know either or these people, and don't want to jump to conclusions, but if there is a problem there, it needs to be looked at.


Delete

Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Hi Medusa,

I know this will scare you, but I had a depressive friend when I was still in school, and his parents wouldn't accept there was something wrong with him, like your friend's husband, so we tried to just be there for him etc, but in the end he tried killing himself. He's luckily still alive, but only after YEARS of therapy is he actually doing better.
So please please try and find a way for her to talk to a pro, maybe at least on the phone, but face-to-face would be better. Also, if the husband's that much of an idiot, maybe some of her problems lie in how he treats her, so it's about time he lost some of his control over her, and it might not be the right thing to risk her becoming worse for him to be happy...


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

Delete

vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:sounds to me like the cause of her depression is her husband - leave him and I bet she'll be better within 6 months, counciling or not.

-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

gita
SILVER Member since Oct 2003

gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas, Australia

Total posts: 3776
Posted:hmmm...there are a few threads on here about depression...maybe have a look through them? there's probably lots more links and more advice and hug there too! smile

it's a tough thing to go through, let alone watching someone else go through it without help. just be there for your friend, as i can see you already are.

hug for you and hug for your friend


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

Delete

_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:I agree with Birgit and Vance... but you are not going to persuade her to leave by telling her it is a good idea.

Inside herself, she probably knows this already but keeps hoping things will get better.

Maybe things can change, but her husband will have to realise what his behaviour is doing to her. His willingness to change pcould play a huge part in saving the marriage.

But in the meantime, try and take her out of the situation for a while... suggest that you both go away for a weekend (a week would be better)... perhaps the space and freedom will give her the perspective she needs. Offer her somewhere to go, and tell her that any time she needs some time to herself, that she can come to you.

Take care, and maybe suggest she reads this thread... so she knows other people have been in her place and have come through it, eventually.

hug


Getting to the other side smile

Delete

_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:can't say anymore that what has already been said above - BUT
Get her the book 'you are what you eat' by Gillian McKeith..

I've found that my depression is primarily dietary.. since I've been eating 'properly' with all the vitamins specially B's and 5HTP suppliments both my and my boyfriend have been feeling a lot better... he was very very depressed after moving away from his friends, being totally lost after finishing his degree.. past issues - blah blah..


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Delete

GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted:IMO get her to the doc's and go with her. but she needs to get away from her hubby cause he is not helping at all. explain all this to the doc. does she have children? cause all of this will need to be taken into considderation. i am sure no matter what country you are in there will be a place for her to go unil it gets sorted out, ie a safe hous. either way the doc is the only one who can help and refer her to a shrink.
Depression sucks but unfortuently she truley must have the need and want to get better before anythng can be done.


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

Delete

Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Hey Stix*, I don't mean to be insulting to you, so don't get that wrong, but if depressions could be cured with better food alone the world would be a much nicer place... in addition, you assume Medusa's friend has a bad diet and that causes her problems, but you can't know that!
But there is "depressed" as in really sad and depressed as in actually being sick from it. While diet books may keep you busy and healthy food may contribute to improving your mood actual depressions require professional help and maybe proper medication. If there's something wrong with the metabolism of substances in the brain you can eat as many precursors as you like and it won't help...
Bah, now this sounds like a rant, sorry, I don't assume you meant the book alone will cure her, but I just want to say be careful not to mix up things, because depressions are a really really bad problem if you have them and not taking them seriously enough and taking good care of them is bad!


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

Delete

Ry
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Ry

Gromit's Humble Squire
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 4496
Posted:I believe diet plays an important role in affecting mood. Back when I was doing some reading on the topic, I came across several articles linking the consumption of fish (omega 3, fatty acids etc..) with the levels of seratonin in the brain.

Of course, there are a lot of other variables such as circumstance and environment, and a proper solution requires a holistic approach.

As for your friend, Medusa, it's clear her husband isn't helping the situation. If your friend's come to you, that's a good thing, because it's more or less a plea for help. It could have been worse- she might not have approached anyone.

If I had to suggest anything, perhaps it might help finding out how her relationship with her parents is (speak to her mum if it's an option)- perhaps she needs to take a step back- a few weeks to regroup? The most convenient though, would be if her husband supported her- I don't think he realises how serious this could be. Someone needs to talk to him.


Delete

_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:yes.. you are ranting. Yes I know about all of this.. because I've been through it for 7 years.. I'd been on trycliclic anti depressants for YEARS.. please stop speaking to me as if I'm 17 - I'm not 'confused' smile just adding an alternative view point, sorry it doesn't fit into your view on how depression should be tackled.

If you *read* the fact that her husband won't allow anything to change, ie doctors, counselling ect.. he's very much in control isn't he? Diet is something SHE can change, she can own, something for HER.. I know it's not going to cure world wide depression - or the whole world would be smelling of roses now wouldn't it?

What you are saying about visiting doctors is going to go straight against her husbands wishes.. whats that going to do short term when he finds out she's been? yeah maybe she needs to get away from him, but who are we to suggest that? He may be her only support structure.. I think you may all be forgetting that she loves him..

At least with a good diet bursting from fresh vitality then she may gain some of her own power back.. and can take on her situation feeling confident in herself.. as I guess that this is possibly where her depression *may* be stemming from, that fact that her husband is what sounds like a very conservative man.. not wanting any one else involved, very old fashioned - he may possibly be very oppressive with it.. feeling like you have no control over your life is very debilitating.. first step to sorting out low self confidence is to start with trying to make yourself feel good, like a car, they perform only because fuel is put into them, just think what a Formula One racing car would do with chip fat in the engine! HUMANS ARE THE SAME!! Yes, our environment does have something to do with our mental state.. but when we are in a weakened physical state we are more likely to accept things in our environment which are detrimental to our mental heatlh because we cant be bothered to fight and stand up for ourselves and the circle continues until something breaks be it mind or body.

I could debate for hours and hours and the fact that even if people do have a healthy diet that they are still missing out on vital essential vitamins and minerals, because of all the processes our fresh food goes thru.. the toxins that are pushed thru our food chain to make it more appealing to the consumer ... but please excuse me for surmising that a depressed lady and her over bearing husband doesnt actually have time to cook meals that are high in nutrient that are good for depression..

Please read some/ all of these articles you might find them interesting..

http://www.mcmanweb.com/article-13.htm
br>
http://www.health24.com/dietnfood/You_are_what_you_eat/15-49-1283,26893.asp
br>
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1021676.stm
br>
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/food/cook/health/articles/0,10103,177268_187554,00.html
br>
But what do I know?


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Delete

GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted:Written by: Stix*


What you are saying about visiting doctors is going to go straight against her husbands wishes.. whats that going to do short term when he finds out she's been? yeah maybe she needs to get away from him, but who are we to suggest that? He may be her only support structure.. I think you may all be forgetting that she loves him..





even if she does love him she should get her ass to the docs, simple as. they both sound like they need help


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

Delete

_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:doctors don't always perscribe the right meds tho.. there are countless meds perscribe out there that actually make stuff worse in the long run..

although my meds did sort me out - but life style changes also were a factor.. but getting off them was a 6 month hell of self abuse and hatred..

I jsut hope she finds the inner strenght to make her life changes for the better..


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Delete

GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom

Total posts: 3999
Posted:Written by: Stix*

doctors don't always perscribe the right meds tho.. there are countless meds perscribe out there that actually make stuff worse in the long run..............


agreed but they can refer you to a shrink or other forms of therapy they so badly need, esp if she does want them to stay together...

Written by: Stix*

I jsut hope she finds the inner strenght to make her life changes for the better..



also agreed, and if she has a good friend it will make all the difference, whether she realises it now or later.


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

Delete

Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Hey Stix... felt bad momentarily for the rant, but yours more than made up for it. Sorry if you feel treated like a 17-y-old, though I was trying to make it clear that that was NOT the point of my reply and you tried your best to completely misunderstand it. *sigh*
Read the Guardian bad science section on "you are what you eat" if you want to reply to me with quoting articles.
I did not suggest her splitting up with the husband either, and I am kind of pissed off that you used a thread about a serious problem for deliberate misunderstandings.
Why do I think that going to a doctor to get what I call "real medicine" and other people call "school medicine" helps? Because I'm a scientist, have studied pharmacology, and know a couple of things on how medicines work. Sure there are bad doctors out there, but they don't make more money on that than people writing self help and diet books with not much foundation, or people selling "alternative medicines" that don't work (not saying all alternative medicine is like that before you get back at me). I don't want Medusa's friend to go to ANY charlatan anyways, I do hope she finds someone who can help her!
I never said either that a healthy diet is a bad thing, did you actually read my post?!? Nor did I say you were confused.
Sorry to everyone but Stix about this, especially to Medusa! I realise it's not the point of your thread frown


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

Delete

_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:yeah I'm sorry to Medusa too.. for expressing something that *might help* her friend is a small way... only to be jumped on..

as I said 'what do I know' - you are a scientist.. you obviously have the right answer..


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Please don't argue guys...

Any small bit of information helps no matter what it is...

Stix you do have a good point....and I also think that that Birgit and the others who suggested getting her help are also correct.

She doesn't eat very well because her husband is a control freak who makes her feel fat all the time (trust me if she is fat then I am a sumo wrestler)...so I will definintely bring the option of eating better to the table even if that is all I can do at least it is something...

I am also going to try to keep pushing her to see a proper professional.

I have been doing some research and have found out that through our work we can get up to six free counselling sessions (totally confidential) and if it is done through work she can see the counsellor through work hours so her husband is going to be non the wiser!

I can try but I guess there is never going to be a guarantee that she is going to go for the idea.


Delete

Ry
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Ry

Gromit's Humble Squire
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 4496
Posted:Wishing your friend some good luck, Med. Also, good on you for finding out about the free counselling. Hope it all goes well, and maybe let us know how it goes? Cheers

Delete

Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Yeah, um, folks...Depression isn't a "problem."

It's a DISEASE.

It's a POTENTIALLY LETHAL DISEASE.

FAILURE TO TREAT DEPRESSION IS LIKE FAILURE TO TREAT A HEART ATTACK WITH SIMILAR RATES OF MORTALITY.

Now, Medeusa... Still feel like letting your friend's husband deny her medical care?


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I don't FEEL like letting her husband do anything...especially deny her medical treatment...but unless she stands up to him there is NOTHING I can do except be there for her.

I know how dangerous depression can be to people why do you think I am so worried about her.

I have lost a two friends to suicide beceuaes of depression so why do you think I am asking for advice.

I myself have had PTSD since I was 18.

I have tried to talk to her about it, I have tried talking to him about it.

What else can I do but be here for her and try to come up with more ideas on how to help her?

Please tell me.

I mean if you want to try reasoning with her then go for it cause it hasn't got me very damn far.

That's why I am looking into these free sessions with the counsellor during work hours and taking other suggestions as they come.


Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:If I didn't want to get her help do you think I would even be asking?

Delete

Stone
GOLD Member since Jun 2001

Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 2830
Posted:Yes, I think we know that Lightning

Do you have anything constructive to say?


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

Delete

Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:What I'm saying is that it's time for her to go to the doctor over her husband's objections.

I think her life trumps their marriage since a suicide certainly won't be so hot for the relationship.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:It's all well and good saying that but unless she is willing to take that step how can we make her go to the doctor?

She isn't willing to do that.

So unless I tie her up and hold her hostage, take her to the doctor myself (which by the way holding someone against their will, and it is her will to obey her husband, is illegal) there isn't much I can do to MAKE her go to the doctor.


Delete

Psycho_lemming
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

Psycho_lemming

Running hippy spinning lemming
Location: Scotland

Total posts: 15
Posted:hug hug hug hug hug

thinking of you both....

make sure you look after yourself... if you need to chat i'm the other end of a pm


Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

Delete

Page: 12

Similar Topics

Using the keywords [friend depression] we found the following similar topics.
1. Learn > Cartoons, Fun, Jokes > Pictures, Cartoons, Meme > Her new friend is keen to try Fan Dancing *help/resource
2. Forums > Friend With Depression [34 replies]
3. Forums > Poi Friend vs Real Friend paradox... [Dated 2001!] [42 replies]
4. Forums > A perspective on depression [28 replies]
5. Forums > Friend Woes [20 replies]

     Show more..