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Forums > Social Chat > Advice on......crazy ex

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:Nice guy

threatened to kill me when we broke up, told me to kill myself cause i was a failure, blah blah etc, the works.

has tried using the internet to get in touch with me a few times, but as it happened, his (extremely insane, i kid you not) mother saw me around here recently (he thought i still lived in MI) and so told him i'm here.... on that day, attempts to contact ceased again.

but a few weird things have happened since, and i'm still kinda worried. especially considering his history on all counts and what people have been informing me of his "family" recently. (and he himself drinks, owns a handgun, currently lives less than three miles from here....) is there naything i can even do for a slight insurance of safety? that won't make things worse?

just curious. especially since most of the rest of his family is also not known for their stellar descisions in life.

btw, it's been about two years since we broke up. his behavior apparently hasn't improved much, altho i don't think worse was a high possiblity... i've changed a lot, but...

*oi*

advice?


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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fluffy napalm fairy


fluffy napalm fairy

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land

Total posts: 3638
Posted:Did you not think about these potential problems when you went out with the lunatic?

I mean, the clues are all there - insanity in the genes, drinking, guns, tempremental behaviour, general scariness............

doesn't take a genius


Geologists do it in the dirt................ spank

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Cazzar


member
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Total posts: 53
Posted:Kyrian, Uderstandably you must be feeling very scared..especially since you know what this man is capable of!!!
I could suggest a few things...
1) and being top priority...a restraining order..if there is anything that you can hold against him and anyway that you can get one..i highly suggest it!

2) If you don't feel comfortable with that then maybe you should go away for a while..stay with friends...sort of create an irregular pattern in you life for a while..ie don't walk the same way to work everyday ummm...don't lead a predictable schedule..as if you are feeling stalked then he could be watching this etc...not that i'm saying he is or anything..just if it's a worry.. then try and look out for you best interests..carry a personal alarm..just anything that you can protect yourself with...carry a staff or poi alight at all times..as can become good weapons if need be hahaha
But no seriously take care of yourself! keep us updated so we do'nt worry too much!!!
(((((((((HUG))))))))))))
love and peace
cazzar


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s-p-l-a-t


member
Location: Brisbane, Qld, Australia

Total posts: 383
Posted:OMG.. I too suffered a crazy ex this year.. sans the handgun.. and the drinking problem. Replace that with a ganja problem.. and a violence problem. (Yeah it actually is that way in this case.)

Okies.. I recommend restraining order if he has threatened you recently.

Change your phone number etc if he knows it and has called you there.

Don't be a bitch to him.. but ensure he understands that your not interested and that you have plenty of support from your family and friends.

In my experience, when ppl are telling you that you are a total failure - they are actually talking about themselves. Because people are constantly projecting their emotions this way. Anyways... remember.. don't let it 'worry' you hardcore or anything - cos then you're letting him win, by letting him invade your life in that 'worrying' process.

You probably knew all that ne ways... but I would take the precautions of restraining order and then once again, put it behind me.. if I were you.

It does sound a bit uncomfortable... but remember we're all here for ya..


The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.- B.B.King

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dromepixie


dromepixie

veteran
Location: Florida

Total posts: 1463
Posted:One thing people:

What if he really doesnt like her putting a restraining order on him? That just means that if he comes a certain distance close to her she can call the cops on him. That wouldnt work if hes already in your house say...

But do INFORM your local cop station of the problem and ask their advice too.

I reccomend you deal with him VERY cautiosly. Change your number and make sure the new one is not in the directory...

Irregular patterns make sence! Try to figure out where he would least likely be able to see you: go there. Avoid looking like yourself you'd be surprised how much a hair cut/ colour and a different style of clothes/ make-up can disguise someone...

Carry your staff at ALL times. My friend fended off three attackers just by doing a figure of eight in one of their faces (the other two got scared and ran)...

Dont do anything stupid like try to get in touch with him, his family, or friends... Even if it just to tell him to F* off. He might see communication as a sign of interest...

Does your mom know about this?! It woudl help if as many people as you trust knwo about the problem so that is anything 'weird' happens they know what the deal is and know who to get in touch with...

If he get even scarier go live at a friends house for a while but make sure no one sees you...

Hope I was of help, keep us updated!

Much love, luck, drome


JUGGLEwithyourmind!

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:You know ros dear, i've wondered how i was so blind many a time over. He actually bought the handgun the day after we broke up. (nice timing eh?) ANd a lot of things i didn't find out about until "later" you know how you put ur best foot fwd when ur hitting on someone? and drinking didn't bother me at the time. (Ok, ok, i was stupid, i'm older now and i actually learnt something)

restraining orders are gonna be useless at teh moment. all that's prolly gonna happen is it'll piss him off. and.... well, restraing orders are useless IMO. I've never actually seenoen help. And some of the local poliece are quite B.S.

i do look kinda different now, if i don't wear my hair up mebbe.... but eh, he's not in control of my life. he hasn't done anything really recently (that i know of) so altho different incidents in the past few days have brought it too mind (including a really odd feeling of being watched at one point) i think it'll be some semblance of life as usual for these last couple months....

*sighs*

thanks for the thoughts tho hopefully all will be well.


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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lightbug


member
Location: arizona

Total posts: 321
Posted:come on fluffy its not her fault. people change. you meet somone and after a year you find out there someone totally different. happens all the time.. my first peice of advice is DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY.. he sounds fricken looney.. and he has a gun. first of all contact the police just to let them know the situation they. probably cant do much but god forbid somthing should happen to you they will no exactly who to go after. then i recomend getting a big german sheperd there real protective. i feel a big dog is the best defense for a girl cause girls tend to be to scared to fight back. get some mace. or a tazer. and always watch your back when your alone. make sure your aware of your surroundings dont walk to your car while day dreaming. check through your windows before you get in your car make sure no ones hiding in the back. there are many other things that you can do as far as self defense. if you think you can fight take self defense courses there are ways to over power people bigger then you.only do this if you are sure you will have the nerve to fight. i would suggest changeing your email address and avoid all contact with him. dont try to reason with him it will only make him want you more. i hope this helps. be careful..

[ 28 August 2002, 12:48: Message edited by: lightbug ]


drugs.. rock and roll. bad ass.. vegas hoes.. late night. booty calls.. shiny disco balls!!

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lightbug


member
Location: arizona

Total posts: 321
Posted:btw most of that advice should be followed (especially by girls) at all times regardless if you have a crazy stalker after you.. also try not to be alone have friends with you if at all possible.

drugs.. rock and roll. bad ass.. vegas hoes.. late night. booty calls.. shiny disco balls!!

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dromepixie


dromepixie

veteran
Location: Florida

Total posts: 1463
Posted:Hey lightbug,

Thanks for the tip but we girls arent useless you know!
I've seen girls that could kick your ass any day of the week!

Five years in London walking down dodgy streets from 3-5am I have never got shit... Been followed several times but got away through a variety of tactics!

Just informing you, not being confrontational!
Much love, Drome


JUGGLEwithyourmind!

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Nyx


enthusiast
Location: NorCal

Total posts: 385
Posted:Kyrian,
I became somewhat of an expert at dealing with crazy stalker jilted boyfriend syndrome when i was your age, since then it seems i have developed "asshole/wacko radar" which you probably also will develop as a result of this experience.
This is a kinda long one but maybe it'll help someone else, too. Here is my advice:

1. tell the cops ... the local yahoos my be a p.i.t.a. but one thing i know about them is that they (and probably all really small town cops) love to go out of their way to protect women from the evils of the world. If you tell them what's going on they will make a point of driving past your house at random times, etc. It's actually a useful thing. I'll go with you to talk to them.

2. If he has actually contacted you recently and knows where you live, get a restraining order. No, it doesn't do much good as a deterrent but if something should happen, like he breaks into your house or threatens you again, he will get in a lot more trouble, the penaltys are more substantial because then even the act of threatening becomes more than a misdemeanor, i forget what they call it but it goes along with the anti-stalking laws. But you have to have that restraining order first. Don't do the restraining order until he has actually attempted contact and you have rebuffed him, or it will only act as a provoker.

3. Keep records. Write down the sequence of events as it happened from the beginning. Write down everything you can think of! This helps when they want you to recitethe facts as you know them.

4.Don't have conversations with him, of any kind. Tell him you don't want to have contact with him in a firm but non-hysterical way. Then hang up, walk away, hit send and change your e-mail, whatever. This is very important to establish that you have no interest and are not provoking him.

5. Don't be a victim!!! Carry pepperspray, or mace! Walk with confidence, head up, eyes forward. Be strong. Focus on projecting an image of confidence and self-assurance. This alone is a major deterrent to most would-be attackers, especially an ex who remembers you mostly from 2 years ago when you were undoubtedly much less sure of yourself in life (i'm guessing based on age norms and what i already know of you ).

6. In the end, if nothing works you have to develop the mentality that it's up to you what happens. This will help you to take the situation into your own control. This is more complicated so let me know what happens if all else fails and i'll have a more creative solution for you. You gotta do what you gotta do to take care of yourself because in the end it's all on you...it's your life, grab hold of it!

This all may seem a bit extreme to some, but unless you've been through it you have no idea what it's like...oh nevermind, i could go on and on about "what it's like". It's awful, nuff said.

P.S. you're moving in a month or so, yes? Be careful who you tell where you're going and make sure you tell the university not to give out your information without your consent. They shouldn't anyway but you never know, it's better that they be as informed as possible.


"Dancing can reveal all the mystery that music conceals"

~Charles Baudelaire

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:He has none of the emails or sn's i actually use lately. well, except one, but i threw him for a loop and pretended i was using this one that i wasn't so i doubt he'll think of it again.

I am not even 100% positive he is currently as we speak nearby, but he wanders in and out of the area (he doesn't live here) and if nothing else, local authorities know the family (his mom lives here.) I'm not sure if i want to bring it up b/c it's so long ago... and even the last contact he made with me was march or april of this year...

a friend did suggest "tipping" the poliece about teh handgun, as it's unregistered and was bought illiegally. only works if he hasn't taken off somewhere again though. he might even have a new one by now, and might or might not have a legal one by now. i know the one he had then wasn't.

i do tend to obey reasonable amounts of safety.

my parents don't know i ever even went out with him, and i'm not telling them either. what's at risk? me being able to go to college, i.e. me being able to leave the area..., me being able to continue my education...!! Just to make a point so we don't feel the need to mention this to my parents.

we haev two dogs, a big german shepard (not dangerous though) and a little shiba inu (fairly protective, and loves me).

i'll see if i can haev someoe find out from his mother what he's been doing lately. small towns haev good information networks.

thanks for the advice

peace & love, stephi


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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lightbug


member
Location: arizona

Total posts: 321
Posted:i would be careful how much police attention you draw on him ... they cant do much at this point and you will only anger him and make him feel more rejected (i guess some people just dont get it) also be careful about having people checkin up on him that tends to have the same effect and theres no way to keep tabs on him all the time anyway.

and about the big german sheperd. you may think hes not dangerous but wait til someone tries to lay a hand on you. you will see the animal in a whole new way trust me.. sheperds are bad ass.

dont let him manipulate your life with fear just be careful. watch your back sweety.


drugs.. rock and roll. bad ass.. vegas hoes.. late night. booty calls.. shiny disco balls!!

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lightbug


member
Location: arizona

Total posts: 321
Posted:hi drome,
i was in no way sayin girls are useless:

quote: if you think you can fight take self defense courses there are ways to over power people bigger then you.only do this if you are sure you will have the nerve to fight. . my girlfriend needs different tactics because i know shes to sweet to fight. she would just get into more trouble. some people are just like that, boys included. in that case you want to have someone with you or some sort of non lethal weapon like mace... in general for girls and boys its best to just avoid combat at all costs.

[ 28 August 2002, 12:49: Message edited by: lightbug ]


drugs.. rock and roll. bad ass.. vegas hoes.. late night. booty calls.. shiny disco balls!!

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Kyrian, would it be possible for him to see you practicing some martial-arts-like staff moves?

Personally, I like the restraining order idea, but you seem to have written that off, so...at least make him think that he'd be dumb to mess with you.

youregoingtocaliforniainamonthorso youregoingtocaliforniainamonthorso youregoingtocaliforniainamonthorso youregoingtocaliforniainamonthorso youregoingtocaliforniainamonthorso


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:Look, I am a psychopath, own a gun (its locked in the armory but still). I am not obsessive, that I know of but some great advice has been given. Use the restraining order and moving as a last resort. Change your number, dont put it in the phone book. Dont talk to his family or friends. This is no joke and definatly change your habits. If you walk route A to work stop and walk route D even if it means going 10 minutes out of your way. Trust me 10 minutes is nothing compared to your life!!

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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evenstar


member
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 36
Posted:Whatever you do, it may be handy to keep a journal of any incidents, even ones that might seem innocent at the time, including things involving the family members. I had a bit of an issue with someone last year, and for me the restraining order was a last resort; from what I knew of the other person, I could feel that it might urge some sort of desperate action from him, either towards me, my friends (who he hated for keeping him at bay) or to himself. The writing won't protect you from danger, but it will at least serve to justify any future action that you take, and also serve as evidence.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring.
TOLKIEN

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