Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:I have fallen hard and I come to you, oh great and mighty internet knowledge base, for advice.

There's this guy in my studio, we're friends and all but I've fallen hard for him. He's simply one of the nicest guys I've ever encountered, I love being around him. For as long as I've known him he's never given any solid proof as to his orientation, he does nothing questionable that woud pin him in either direction. He doesn't seem to be dating anybody and his main focus is on work, school, and friends. Which normally if you don't know you must assume that the person is straight. But I the more I'm around him the more I fall for him. And it seems like it would work, it'd be perfect in fact if it did. And I get this feeling of dread that he feels the same way about us but if afriad to voice his feelings just like I am.

So, keeping in mind studio is much like a work environment, what do I do? Any action, in the worst case scenario, could be potentially damaging to our friendship as well as my interaction with everybody else in studio. Even though I make no attempt to hide the fact, I'm in reality completely closeted in my courses. People just don't guess.


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete Topic

vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:Well, I'm hetero, but it seems a lot of people wonder about me as well (perhaps because I have gay friends and when I lived in Houston I lived in the gay neigborhood), at least till they get to know me. I don't actually mind when gay guys hit on me, as long as they aren't too in your face about it. In fact, I can only recall 2 times that a guy pissed me off whilst trying to pick me up (and I think both would have pissed just about anyone off, male or female, gay or strait).



My recommendation is to go have a couple beers with the guy and shoot some pool or throw darts or something. Give yourself a chance to hang out with him outside the studio enviroment. You may find that, like you, he acts differently when not at school.



Of course it is possible that you still won't have any idea at the end of the night, but there is a chance that if he feels similar to you, he'll try to let you know it somehow if he isn't too afriad. Also, some vague and indirect insinuation from you may solicit him to start talking about women, in which case he may well be strait. But that isn't a 100% fool proof indicator, I admit - it could could just be that you made him uncomfortable (perhaps because he is still in the closet). It is probably a good sign for you to back off though, at least for a while.



I personally am pretty quick to mention an ex-girlfriend or something like that if I think a guy is hitting on me, as I don't want to lead anyone on. I'm fine with having a male friend who is attracted to me, as long as it doesn't become a problem, and the sooner you make orientations clear, the less of a problem there is likely to be. Also, I want to be sure that the person is hanging out with me because we are friends, and not just because they want to have sex with me (OMG, I sound like a girl! eek ).



Anyway, I hope having a strait (but not narrow) point of view on the topic helps.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

The_Pirate_Dyke_Boy
The_Pirate_Dyke_Boy

HOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
Location: Canterbury, UK
Member Since: 5th Nov 2002
Total posts: 1079
Posted:when it comes to affairs of the heart, there is only one rule:
honestly is the best policy.

and god i wish more people lived by that rule... ubbcrying


D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Delete

vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:Quote:
and god i wish more people lived by that rule... ubbcrying


Absolutely!


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

Beth
Beth

Miss Whippy
Location: Cornwall & Oxford
Member Since: 3rd Jun 2003
Total posts: 1262
Posted:Ive always been honest in all relationships ive been in though the boyfriend at the time has done the opposite or completely hidden their feeling, not sure which is worse.

Im kind of in the same position as you, i have a crush at the moment, a guy at college, he makes me laugh so much and i love being around him. But again theres that fear that if i were to tell him how i feel, it would all go wrong.

The best thing to do is what Vanize suggested, go out for a couple of drinks and if you still feel the same about him after you've spent time with him out of the working environment then great! Try and be sly and put in some reference to any past girlfriends/boyfriends maybe so you can get a clearer idea of whats going on.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!
peace



Aim high and you'll know your limits, aim low and you'll never know how high you could have climbed.

Delete

Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:heh, me + wine + love story based movies = this thread *blush*

Well, I have definitly considered ways to make orientations more clear, that is one way I could go about it. This all takes perfect timing, of course, and lately we've been so insanely busy, so I havn't done anything about it. There are going to be some studying sessions for one course this week, I tried to talk him into coming but he was embarassed because he's soo behind in the class. Hopefully he shows up, I could try to help him, well as much as I can, I'm no genius with this class either. Or I could suggest that we could meet some other time and study. This all seems like some kind of complicated medical procedure, or least thats how I'm making it.

Whatever happens I'm fine with really, I mean if he's not interested thats fine, its just having this as a possibility thats driving me a bit bonkers smile


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete

Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:ooh good luck jello! much good luck. and if you figure out any tricks that work for subtly doing this, and not affecting things badly, let me know because my ex is havig about the exact same problem right now.
hug
Hope things get settled soon. I know what you mean about possibility, i've got a guy driving me nuts in taht sense...
smile ubbrollsmile: smile


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Quote:

Whatever happens I'm fine with really, I mean if he's not interested thats fine, its just having this as a possibility thats driving me a bit bonkers smile



Oooh, poor guy. This is what sucks about being gay is the fact that you have to run under the assumption that the world is straight. And it sucks because it makes it hard to get into a relationship.

I don't know what to say, dude. You've been out longer than I have. One thing you can do is bring up a gay bookstore or something in the area. For example, talk about a good book you've read recently and then steer the conversation to places to buy books and bring up the gay bookstore. Or something like that.

Sorry, it's the best I can offer.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:I just remembered a story which has some small relavance here. I was at a burningman decompression party in Austin and was pretty wasted, and I started chatting with this guy. It started with music and went to philospohy and got really deep. He was a cool guy and we hung out for an hour or so, then I got the spinning bug. Sometime after having been spinning for like 1/2 an hour I realized he was still hanging out watching me, which is about the time it occured to me the he was into me. I had assumed he knew I was strait because he was good buds with my friend Randy (who had given up hitting on me month earlier at Burningman -also a fantastic guy BTW), and I just assumed that if he was gay, he would have already talked about me with Randy (which wasn't the case). I felt horrible, because I realized that it probably seemed like I was flirting with him the whole time. Of course there wasn't much to be done about it by then - I mean, there I was all wasted and the last thing I wanted to do was dissapoint this guy, but on the other hand it's not like I was interested or going to suddenly find that I need to come out of some closet or another. So I quit spinning and went over to talk to him again for a while. Luckily, after a bit one of his female friends that I was aquainted with happened by, and when he went off to the bathroom, she agreed to smooth things out for me (I really was too into my buzz to do it myself).

Anyway, if there is a point to my story, I guess it would be something like this: If the guy really is as nice as you think he is, chances are you don't have to worry about him finding out you are gay even if he is strait. I'd say just don't put the revelation that you are gay into the same sentance as the one where you tell him you think he is attractive. Let the former sink in for a while and see what happens before you decide whether or not to mention the latter.

and good luck!


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

Dentrassi
Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 9th Apr 2003
Total posts: 3044
Posted:go for a coffee/ few drinks, and steer the conversation onto relationships/sexuality.... that could give you a few hints...

the entire gay dating thing is a bit challenging when neither acts like the stereotypically camp gays that irritates me so. maybe youll just have to trust your gaydar...



"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

Delete

Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:Well I'll most likely see him tonight, theres a study session, though he'll be late due to work. Hopefully not too late cause I'll have to leave by 9, my roomates birthday is today.

This whole semester I was trying to think of subtle ways to out myself more or less in studio, thinking that way he might make a move if he was at all interested. Never really happened. Thats my problem, I have to find ways to out myself without falsly adopted a flaming attitude. Not like acting camp is bad, not at all, I have tried it briefely in the past but its simply not who I am. Unless I've missed the point the whole reason of being out is being able to act like who you are. So yeah, being closeted in some parts of your life can get annoying.

this is also a bad time, the semesters almost done and people will be returning to home or whatever for a month.


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete

NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Unfortunately, I've often found that the best way to get over a crush is to get to know the person. It's remarkably easy to bestow good qualities on someone you don't know. I think that's why it's so easy to fall in love over the internet and then find out that the person is psycho.

The fastest I've ever lost a crush was in High School. We were at a nationwide competition (Mock Trial if you must know) and this CUTE girl from Arkansas and I are flirting and hanging out all weekend. We spent a ton of time together... pretty much every free minute by the end. Then, at the last dance, we're dancing and she leans over to me and whispers... "Gee, I wish all these NIGGERS would get off the dance floor and let us dance"

Needless to say, the crush was over. eek


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Delete

Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:hahaha, yikes eek, yeah, that really does squash the feeling.

So maybe the word crush isn't the right word. I first saw the guy last september, initially had a crush on him because, well, he's a cute good looking guy. Since than we've been in the same design studio for 2 semesters and have gotten to know him rather well. I'd consider us to be good friends, though like alot of school friends we don't do stuff outside of an academic setting. which there is the problem.

But yeah, 3 semesters later I still have this crush, or whatever else you want to call it. he seems to be a genuinely nice guy.

I think the problem is last time I saw him, sometime last week, I just got this sense that something was building. It was in another class I have with him and instead of sitting with his normal group of people, which there were spots open by them, he searched me out and sat next to me. And we talked after class too and I just got that feeling, can't really explain it.

So maybe I just overthought the whole thing. Its like stopping mid conversation, when something really important is about to be said. Whenever I see him again things will most likely become alot more clear as to whats going on.


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete

Dentrassi
Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 9th Apr 2003
Total posts: 3044
Posted:Quote:
Thats my problem, I have to find ways to out myself without falsly adopted a flaming attitude. Not like acting camp is bad, not at all, I have tried it briefely in the past but its simply not who I am



do your friends ever that those long deep and meaningful chats after a few drinks that last into the morning hours? i dont many any deal about my sexuality, but most of my friends know im bi just cos its come up in the conversation at some point.

maybe you could get one of your friends to chat to him to try to ferrit out some information. do you have any friends who are girls who could try to draw him into a chat?

best of luck. hug


"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

Delete

vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:Quote:
she leans over to me and whispers... "Gee, I wish all these NIGGERS would get off the dance floor and let us dance"

Needless to say, the crush was over.



That almost exactly describes why I don't date Afrikaans women - 'cept they use a different key word.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Quote:
Thats my problem, I have to find ways to out myself without falsly adopted a flaming attitude. Not like acting camp is bad, not at all, I have tried it briefely in the past but its simply not who I am.



Me neither. When I came out, most people were at least a bit surprised, if not outright shocked.

However, there are ways to out yourself without acting obnoxious. One easy one is to put a pride sticker on something you carry around with you. I have a pride sticker on my iPod, my laptop, and my Nalgene water bottle. Of course, this doesn't work very well in an openly homophobic environment, which is what HRC stickers are good for. They're like the "secret gay code."


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:Alright, final tally is in. The results are: I'm perfectly happy having this guy as a friend, life is good at that. A small group of us hung out after finishing our structures test tonight (which was a beast), we just talked, played foseball (sp?) and whathave you. He was there and it was fun just hanging out like friends. So for now I'll just stop my scheming and be happy with what I got. How will I deal with being out in the future, well, I'll figure that out later. The main point here is I'm basically done with the semester, all my friends are coming home from other schools, and life is good smile

but thanks all for your help!


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Quote:
Alright, final tally is in. The results are: I'm perfectly happy having this guy as a friend, life is good at that. A small group of us hung out after finishing our structures test tonight (which was a beast), we just talked, played foseball (sp?) and whathave you. He was there and it was fun just hanging out like friends. So for now I'll just stop my scheming and be happy with what I got. How will I deal with being out in the future, well, I'll figure that out later. The main point here is I'm basically done with the semester, all my friends are coming home from other schools, and life is good smile

but thanks all for your help!



Wimp. ubblol


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Quote:
They're like the "secret gay code."



I KNEW you guys had a code! And like a secret handshake and stuff right? wink


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Well, it's not a "hand"shake....

wink spank


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

Mand
Mand

Keeper of the Spitfire
Location: Calgary Canada
Member Since: 24th Oct 2003
Total posts: 2317
Posted:Quote:
Well, it's not a "hand"shake....

wink spank



Ewwww!
Mike! Trust you to lower the tone!!! ubblol rolleyes

Sorry it didn't work out, Jello. Maybe next semester, or maybe someone different.
Hope it works for you. hug


Lets steal a spaceship and head for the sun, and shoot the stars with a lemonade ray gun.

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:In case people aren't familiar with HRC, HRC is the Human Rights Campaign, which is an organization that compains for equal rights for Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and the Transgendered in the U.S.

Their symbol is a blue square with a yellow "Equals" sign in it.

This is their symbol.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

Jello
ambiguous
Location: Mpls, MN, USA
Member Since: 29th Jan 2002
Total posts: 646
Posted:Hmmm, I should get one of those, one of the things thats stopped me from putting other gay logo's on my bag is that I don't like the looks of them. I did have a little rainbow deal for a while, but it was weak and got torn off.

And yeah, I'm a wimp, I'll own up to that. But I'm on the verge of not being a wimp, for the longest time I avoided evening thinking about stuff like this. Soon my wimpyness will come to an end smile well, I can hope.


_________________________________
Fuzzy Dice.......................................

Delete

Silvur
Silvur

sumthin sumin smmnm....
Location: home sweet home
Member Since: 4th Sep 2003
Total posts: 372
Posted:Hon, i had the same problem with my girl, cuz, i'm not gay, or even bi, and here i find myself totally falling for my best friend who i knew was bi. and eventually i had to tell her, cuz whatelse could i do? and, well, the rest is history! wink

Delete


Similar Topics

Using the keywords [wish crush] we found the following similar topics.
1. Forums > Corrupt a Wish [1 reply]
2. Forums > Help Wish a Crush [23 replies]
3. Forums > Wish Corruption Game [6 replies]
4. Forums > I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair [20 replies]
5. Forums > Shane's Wish [7 replies]

     Show more..