PeleBRONZE Member
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA


Posted:
At first this may seem like it has no place here, but read my explanaition before you attack me for being way off swinging topic!I am in need of help, actually I am in need of jokes. The family friendly, cheesy but chuckle worthy kind...for exampleQ: "What is the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?"A: "Anyone can mash potatoes...."
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See, cute and cheesy and family fun.Now read my reason!!!I have a show for Ren Faires (well actually two) and we are alloted 5 minutes before a show to get the crowds revved up and gather them. Also if something goes wrong (like wind issues) I like to have filler. Usually I am pretty good with quick improv but it is good to have an arsenal of stupid jokes just in case. That and I would like to find some appropriately timed areas in some of my routines like....ex: Staff spinning forward 8's saying "3 men walk into a bar..." another quick move "the fourth man ducks."..end staff routine. It's a nice seguay.Besides, it would add a bit of humor to the board...like we really need anymore
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All your help will be greatly appreciated, and Super...if you don't post here I am going to be greatly disappointed.
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------------------Pele Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir...https://www.pyromorph.com

Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK


Peregrinemember
428 posts
Location: Mystic, Ct. USA


Posted:
for a huge number of cheesy jokes check out prairie home companion joke show archive athttps://prairiehome.org/activities/19980418_jokeshow/andhttps://prairiehome.org/activities/19970405_jokeshow/Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during his root canal?He wanted to transcend dental medication.How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Fish.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?A stick.What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?A dog that rips your leg off then goes for help.
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Pere

NYC_not_PKOne Tyred Guy
203 posts
Location: Camaiore, Lu, Italy


Posted:
Stop me if you've heard this one... Oh wait, you can't.A guy walks into a bar, except this is the bar on the top of the Empire State Building. He goes and sits down at the bar and remarks to the drunk guy at the bar how cool the view is.The drunk guy says "Yeah, not only that but you can bungee jump out the window without a bungee cord because the wind off of the East River is so strong it will blow you back up..."The sober guy thinks "yeah, right"The drunk guy then says "Na dude, I'll show you." and gets up and opens the window. Just remember to put your hands above your head right before you hit the ground and the wind will hit your chest and blow you back up..." The drunk guy jumps out the window and Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllls and just before he hits the ground puts his arms out and Wooooooosh is blown back into the bar.The sober guy says "cool, man... and all you got to do is put your hands out, eh? What the heck..." So he jumps out the window and Faaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllls and just before he hits the pavement he puts his hands out above his head and SPLAT! Hits the pavement. Sidewalk pizza. The drunk guy chuckles and goes back to sit at the bar. The bar tender turns to him and says, "You can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."(Sorry, had to do it...Other than that it's all chem jokes, don't even go there.)

PK is a god.. i love the Peeekster.

.:PK:. [poiinthepark founder member]


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing smileSTAY SAFE! hug


Rick aka LokiBRONZE Member
member
134 posts
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada


Posted:
Here's a very simple trick I use for doing kids' shows at the science centre: let them do the filler for you! If I'm bored with my own arsenal of PG-13 jokes and I want to learn some more, I just ask the kids if they know any. Most kids know a few good ones, and they love to tell them.Knock, knock.who's there?yah.yah-who?(some cheezy and appropriate cowboy comment)knock, knock.who's there?the interrupting cow.the interrup-MOOOOO!Most of the jokes I know are unsuitable for young audiences. Heck, half the jokes I know aren't funny to non-physicists. Shit, some of the jokes I know aren't funny to anyone but me... but I digress...This one works because I use a mirror in one of the shows:I walked into the mirror store the other day to get this and I said "I want to buy a mirror, you hairy little weirdo." And the man said, "I'm over here, sir." (replace hairy little weirdo with some crack about your own idiosynchracies... unless you would consider yourself a hairy little weirdo...) Try turning in the opposite direction before saying the clerk's line. If delivered right, this one's pretty funny. If it's delivered wrong, they'll probably rush the performance area.Two fellas were walking through the woods and they came upon a clearing, in the middle of which was a large, deep hole. They were curious about just how deep it was, so one of them got a stone and tossed it in. They listened and listened, but never heard it hit bottom. They decided they needed a bigger stone, so they picked a big one up together and heaved it into the hole. They listened again, but never heard it hit. They decided they needed something even bigger, so they went searching through the woods until they found a railroad tie. Together they lifted the railroad tie into the clearing and threw it down the hole. They listened and listend. While they were listening, a goat came running out of the woods and jumped down the hole. "That was weird." they thought. As they were standing at the hole listening for either the goat or the railroad tie to hit bottom, a man came walking up to them and asked if they'd seen a goat around anywhere. They said they'd just seen one come running out of the woods and jump down the hole. "That couldn't have been my goat," said the man, "My goat was tied to a railroad tie back in the woods."Families actually seem to like this one, no matter how many times I tell it, maybe because it's one of the ones they can get right away:A person was working in the library and every day a chicken would come in and say "book, book, book, book", so the librarian would give the chicken a stack of books and the chicken would leave. The very next day, the chicken would come back in, return all the books, and get a whole new stack, "book, book, book, book". This went on for about a week and the librarian was getting really curious, so they decided to follow the chicken. The same thing happened, the chicken came in saying "book, book, book", and the librarian gave the chicken a stack of books and the chicken left. The librarian snuck out after the chicken, followed it across the road (snicker) and down to the edge of a pond. And there the chicken gave the stack of books to a frog, who was going, "reddit. reddit. reddit. reddit..."A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".So those are a few of the family-rated jokes I know. You want some more risky stuff for after-hours performances, just say the word.
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-Rick "making children uncomfortable for a living" Gladwin[This message has been edited by Rick (edited 21 July 2001).]

-Rick aka Loki
oh, man, a signature?... uuh... this is like coming across wet cement... uuh, shoot, I had something clever I was saving... I hope I don't run out of sp


Peregrinemember
428 posts
Location: Mystic, Ct. USA


Posted:
so two atoms are sitting in a bar and one atom sez to the other atom, "hey! i think I just lost and electron!" and the other atom says "are you sure?" and the first atom says "i'm positive!"sorry, couldnt resist.
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Pere

NYC_not_PKOne Tyred Guy
203 posts
Location: Camaiore, Lu, Italy


Posted:
...Neutron walks into the same bar, asks the bartender for a drink, bartender says "For you, no charge."

PK is a god.. i love the Peeekster.

.:PK:. [poiinthepark founder member]


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing smileSTAY SAFE! hug


pyro_teknikmember
51 posts
Location: england wiltshire under stonehenge with the fire f...


Posted:
What do Henry the 8th and kermit the frog both have in common?............the same middle name....
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handlebar moustaches are funny :)


pozeeBRONZE Member
old hand
887 posts
Location: san diego, USA


Posted:
so this dyslexic walks into a BRA????takes a minute for a response????what does a dyslexic insomniac priest do every night?stay up wondering if there is a DOG2cents

anyone got a light?


uromimember
3 posts
Location: Auckland, New Zealand


Posted:
Did you hear about the dyslexic occultist?He sold his soul to santa.

Posted:
4 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emmigrate to the US. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck. Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

Posted:
4 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emmigrate to the US. In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck. Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

Pele'sWhippingBoymember
442 posts
Location: Rochester, NY, USA


Posted:
There once was a man from Nantuckit... A duck goes into a vegetable produce store and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The man says "No." The duck comes back in an hour and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The man says "No, I told you I didn't have any grapes." The duck comes back in another hour and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The man says "No I told you I didn't have any grapes and if you ask me again, I'll nail your tail to the floor." The duck comes back in another hour and says, "Do you have any nails?" The man says "No." The duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"Q: When do you know when a dog is fully mature?A: after they have their Bark-mitzvahWhy did the Orange go to the doctor?Because, he wasn't peeling well!!!Why didn't the Skeleton cross the road?Because, he didn't have the guts!!!Why did the bicycle fall over?Because, it was two tired!!!Why is Cinderella so bad at football?Because, she had a pumpkin for a coach!!!What do Eskimos build their houses with?E glue!!!What did the mamma tomato say to the baby tomato when he lagged behind?Catch up!!!Why do seagulls fly over the sea?Because if they flew over the bay they would be Bagels!!!Why was six afraid of seven?Because seven eight nine!!!What did the blanket say to the bed?Got you covered!!!What did the parrot ask the horse?Why the long face? !!!What did the parrot say when the puppy left the pet store?dog gone!!!Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?He was trying to find Pooh!!!What lies at the bottom of the ocean?A nervous wreck!!!What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?WHEEEEEEEE!!!Why was the tomato blushing?It saw the salad dressing!If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?Pilgrims!Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat?Because he was stuffed!Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?Skip it!Where does a snowman keep his money?In a snowbank!Why couldn't the pony talk?Because he was a little hoarse!------------------"Except for that Mrs. Lincoln, How did you like the play?"Pyromorph - Let the fire change you

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. - Homer Jay Simpson


SupermanBRONZE Member
member
829 posts
Location: Houston, Texas, USA


Posted:
Lets see...clean and corny jokes..this could get scary.One day a man came home to find a snail on his door step.Not being too found of snails, he picks it and throws it across the yard..6 months later the man has a knock at the door. When he answers it, theres the snail saying "what the hell was that for??"A guy walks into a bar...he says "OUCH!!"A ventriloquist is on stage with his dummy telling numerous blonde jokes. A rather sophisticated looking blonde in the audience interrupts the act and says "Excuse me sir, but I find it personally offensive in that you keep berating blonde women. I happen to be a college graduate and quite successful in my career, do you think you could find another stereotype to poke fun at?" The ventriloquist replies "I'm certainly sorry you take offense miss, it is only an act and not really my personal opinion" The blonde replies " I'm not talking to you,I'm talking to that little fella on your lap."Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair! This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!' yes ladies and gentlemen..ill be here all week...Super'------------------"When a Man Lies He Murders Some Part of the World These Are the PaleDeaths Which Men Miscall Their Lives All this I Cannot Bear to Witness Any Longer Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation Take Me Home"

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.


- Mark Twain


SupermanBRONZE Member
member
829 posts
Location: Houston, Texas, USA


Posted:
a guy comes into a bar after work as part of his usual routine. he orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender slides him a shot. The guy slams the shot, then looks in his shirt poket. He orders another shot. The bartender slides it too him, he again slams the shot then looks into his shirt pocket. This goes on for about 20 minutes. The bartender finally asks him"Hey buddy, every weekday you come in here around 5:30. You order a shot of whiskey, then you look into your shirt pocket for about an hour or so...what gives?"The guy calmly explains, "Oh its simple. In my pocket i have a picture of my wife. When she looks good, i go home."ba dum bum...<>------------------"When a Man Lies He Murders Some Part of the World These Are the PaleDeaths Which Men Miscall Their Lives All this I Cannot Bear to Witness Any Longer Cannot the Kingdom of Salvation Take Me Home"

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.


- Mark Twain


Blackbirdmember
337 posts
Location: London UK


Posted:
What's big, grey, and can't fly?A motorway!

x X x Ĉ К я x X x


space cadetmember
19 posts
Location: Minneapolis


Posted:
some favorite light bulb jokes:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?None, they have machines to do that now.How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?None, the keyboardist can do that with his left hand.How many deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just watch it burn out and then follow it around the country.others:What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?"Man, this music sucks*."How do you know if a rennie has come to visit?They're still there.What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?Homeless.
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