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Forums > Social Chat > Peter Kay One Liner Jokes

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BigDav


BigDav

member
Location: Derry, N. Ireland

Total posts: 175
Posted:-I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'


-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him
to forgive me.


-Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and
sold the engine?


-I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.


-I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on
with my real ladder.


-I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.


-A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


-well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks
and stones all the way.


-My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he
got thrown out of the the fire brigade.


-Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.


-I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."


-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?


-You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


-Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.


-I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


-right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.


-I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.


Be Good, and if you DONT be Good, Buy a Pram!

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas

Total posts: 3899
Posted:hey - that last one is valid - Arafat got a nobel peace prize after all!

here are two of mine (well, realy my grandfather's) along a common theme:

did you hear the joke about the sky?
nevermind mind, it's over your head.

and the one about the dirty window?
well, there is no use telling it, you wouldn't be able to see through it anyway.

And my father's fav (he worked at NASA):
did you know NASA is going to put 7 cows on the next space shuttle? It'll be the first herd shot 'round the world.

All the rest of my jokes are long ones (except for the blonde jokes and the "guy with no arms and no legs jokes", both of which I'll refrain from sharing at this juncture)


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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pounce
SILVER Member since Jan 2003

pounce

All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all a...

Total posts: 9831
Posted:-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-how do the "do not walk on the grass" signs get in the middle of the grass?

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

-How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

-OK, so what's the speed of dark?

-I spilled spot remover on my dog.. he's gone now..

-I found a wallet the other day.. and I was going to keep it.. then I thought to myself, "how would I feel if I lost $500".. then it hit me.. I would want to be taught a lesson

-My ex-girlfriend had a face like the sphinx, she was very mysterious, and eternal.. and her nose was shot off by french soldiers

-One time I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time

-Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

-I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

-If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

-Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died

-My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments

-Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour

-I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

-I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

-I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

-I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

-The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

-Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.


ok i have more, but i'll stop for now


I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

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BigDav


BigDav

member
Location: Derry, N. Ireland

Total posts: 175
Posted:SAT Answers - The following questions and answers were collated from
SAT
tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students!
(Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be president someday.)

Q Name the four seasons.
A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q How is dew formed?
A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q What is a planet?
A A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q What causes the tides in the oceans?
A The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q What happens to your body as you age?
A When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A Premature death.

Q How can you delay milk turning sour?
A Keep it in the cow.

Q How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains
the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A,E,I,O
and U.

Q What is the Fibula?
A A small lie.

Q What does "varicose" mean?
A Nearby.

Q What is the most common form of birth control?
A Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section."
A The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q What is a seizure?
A A Roman emperor.

Q What is a terminal illness?
A When you are sick at the airport

Q What does the word "benign" mean?
A Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q What is a turbine?
A Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q What is a Hindu?
A It lays eggs


Be Good, and if you DONT be Good, Buy a Pram!

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DarkDevil


DarkDevil

member
Location: St. John's, Newfoundland.

Total posts: 233
Posted:my favourite is...

I haven't slept for 5 days because that would be to long.

edit: stupid me.. put spelt instead of slept.

[ 10. October 2003, 15:43: Message edited by: DarkDevil ]


Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a trick, this is a stunt. The difference between a stunt and a trick is that a trick is something that tricks or fools the audience, a stunt is something that only an idiot would do -Ivan, Ash Circle, 10/04/03

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:I think my IQ just dropped 5 points!

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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