Forums > Social Discussion > A question of love
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HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
So I finally found Him. I'd been looking for him for a while. I needed a man who was nutty and goofy and enjoyed some stuff I did. I needed him to be a hedonist like me, and yet functional. And he needed to be a geek, and we needed to share some geekiness.
And oh boy did I find him! He's all that, AND Jewish like me (makes mom happy; I could care less) AND speaks Spanish like me. And every time I see him, I feel this warm, calm peace inside (no butterflies at all). And he loves me and I love him. And it's wonderful.
And we're both a bit nervous about it all because it's so wonderful and amazing and we're both scared that it could end somehow. Yet every time I go looking for the fatal flaw in our relationship, that thing that is going to doom us, that thing that has doomed other couples, I can't find it. Our relationship seems damned near watertight. It seems to be perfect material for a partnership.
We want to move in together. We already spend every night together (except last night, because he was out of town and I couldn't go). It seems so natural and frankly convenient that we should move in together.
But there is something that keeps hanging over my head, and maybe his. Other couples, and plenty of them, have broken up. Sometimes after a great many years. In the gay world, it almost seems to be a given. They all moved in together and they all thought their relationships were perfect, just like us.
What is your advice? And what is your experience?
So I finally found Him. I'd been looking for him for a while. I needed a man who was nutty and goofy and enjoyed some stuff I did. I needed him to be a hedonist like me, and yet functional. And he needed to be a geek, and we needed to share some geekiness.
And oh boy did I find him! He's all that, AND Jewish like me (makes mom happy; I could care less) AND speaks Spanish like me. And every time I see him, I feel this warm, calm peace inside (no butterflies at all). And he loves me and I love him. And it's wonderful.
And we're both a bit nervous about it all because it's so wonderful and amazing and we're both scared that it could end somehow. Yet every time I go looking for the fatal flaw in our relationship, that thing that is going to doom us, that thing that has doomed other couples, I can't find it. Our relationship seems damned near watertight. It seems to be perfect material for a partnership.
We want to move in together. We already spend every night together (except last night, because he was out of town and I couldn't go). It seems so natural and frankly convenient that we should move in together.
But there is something that keeps hanging over my head, and maybe his. Other couples, and plenty of them, have broken up. Sometimes after a great many years. In the gay world, it almost seems to be a given. They all moved in together and they all thought their relationships were perfect, just like us.
What is your advice? And what is your experience?
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
SILVER Member
Rampant whirler.
2,418 posts
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Rampant whirler.
2,418 posts
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Posted:
The only thing that I've found along my travels you already seem to have down (if I remember rightly, remembering from another thread) and thats quite simply the way you go about resolving conflicts.
If its able to be done in a productive way, recognising the emotions of both parties involved without letting said emotions get carried away and blow it out of proportion then you should be fairly set.
All that is barring something occurring that can't be taken back, like infidelity.
But perhaps to throw a bit of a different light on it... instead of asking "Why do gay couples seem not to last?" We could ask "Why is it that heterosexual couples appear more equipped to last?"
Theres three answers I can think of to this...
1) They don't really... theres just a larger group from which to draw examples from.
2) Marriage... I dunno about the US but gay marriage isn't legal here, sadly... even if it were, I don't think it would be 'equal' in a lot of peoples eyes anyway... but I digress... my point is that homosexual union carries some sort of taboo along with it, so if you're able to ignore that, perhaps you're able to also ignore the taboo of divorce?
3) More (easily achievable) goals in a heterosexual union. You stay together a few years... then theres marriage... then after the honeymoon period is over our heterosexual couple start to think about homeownership and then maybe kids. From there the kids will grow up and be dynamic enough that they'll have them to focus on... in essence... they won't be getting bored with the things they share and from there won't turn the gaze so much to the person they're sharing their time with long enough to start to needlessly pick on their foibles.
I dunno, Doc. Overall I think its about how you work through your differences, big and small. Communication really is key. I think very few people in this world are devoid of empathy and if we can seek a common understanding we should be able to find a common purpouse and from there, a common peace.
Good luck with what sounds like the man of your dreams, Doc. I wish you all the best.
The only thing that I've found along my travels you already seem to have down (if I remember rightly, remembering from another thread) and thats quite simply the way you go about resolving conflicts.
If its able to be done in a productive way, recognising the emotions of both parties involved without letting said emotions get carried away and blow it out of proportion then you should be fairly set.
All that is barring something occurring that can't be taken back, like infidelity.
But perhaps to throw a bit of a different light on it... instead of asking "Why do gay couples seem not to last?" We could ask "Why is it that heterosexual couples appear more equipped to last?"
Theres three answers I can think of to this...
1) They don't really... theres just a larger group from which to draw examples from.
2) Marriage... I dunno about the US but gay marriage isn't legal here, sadly... even if it were, I don't think it would be 'equal' in a lot of peoples eyes anyway... but I digress... my point is that homosexual union carries some sort of taboo along with it, so if you're able to ignore that, perhaps you're able to also ignore the taboo of divorce?
3) More (easily achievable) goals in a heterosexual union. You stay together a few years... then theres marriage... then after the honeymoon period is over our heterosexual couple start to think about homeownership and then maybe kids. From there the kids will grow up and be dynamic enough that they'll have them to focus on... in essence... they won't be getting bored with the things they share and from there won't turn the gaze so much to the person they're sharing their time with long enough to start to needlessly pick on their foibles.
I dunno, Doc. Overall I think its about how you work through your differences, big and small. Communication really is key. I think very few people in this world are devoid of empathy and if we can seek a common understanding we should be able to find a common purpouse and from there, a common peace.
Good luck with what sounds like the man of your dreams, Doc. I wish you all the best.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Originally Posted By: Mother_Natures_Son
But perhaps to throw a bit of a different light on it... instead of asking "Why do gay couples seem not to last?" We could ask "Why is it that heterosexual couples appear more equipped to last?"
Ouch. That was below the belt. But very well-deserved and I cannot take offense at the truth.
I can come up with a number of good reasons that are moot in any relationship between two given individuals. At that point, it is simply a combination of personalities that takes over.
Quote:
2) Marriage... I dunno about the US but gay marriage isn't legal here, sadly... even if it were, I don't think it would be 'equal' in a lot of peoples eyes anyway... but I digress... my point is that homosexual union carries some sort of taboo along with it, so if you're able to ignore that, perhaps you're able to also ignore the taboo of divorce?
I don't WANT a divorce. I love him. I want to be a happy couple forever. I think we're so terribly afraid of something so wonderful becoming something bad.
Quote:
I dunno, Doc. Overall I think its about how you work through your differences, big and small. Communication really is key. I think very few people in this world are devoid of empathy and if we can seek a common understanding we should be able to find a common purpouse and from there, a common peace.
Good luck with what sounds like the man of your dreams, Doc. I wish you all the best.
Thank you. I agree that communication, rather than romanticization, is the key.
Originally Posted By: Mother_Natures_Son
But perhaps to throw a bit of a different light on it... instead of asking "Why do gay couples seem not to last?" We could ask "Why is it that heterosexual couples appear more equipped to last?"
Ouch. That was below the belt. But very well-deserved and I cannot take offense at the truth.
I can come up with a number of good reasons that are moot in any relationship between two given individuals. At that point, it is simply a combination of personalities that takes over.
Quote:
2) Marriage... I dunno about the US but gay marriage isn't legal here, sadly... even if it were, I don't think it would be 'equal' in a lot of peoples eyes anyway... but I digress... my point is that homosexual union carries some sort of taboo along with it, so if you're able to ignore that, perhaps you're able to also ignore the taboo of divorce?
I don't WANT a divorce. I love him. I want to be a happy couple forever. I think we're so terribly afraid of something so wonderful becoming something bad.
Quote:
I dunno, Doc. Overall I think its about how you work through your differences, big and small. Communication really is key. I think very few people in this world are devoid of empathy and if we can seek a common understanding we should be able to find a common purpouse and from there, a common peace.
Good luck with what sounds like the man of your dreams, Doc. I wish you all the best.
Thank you. I agree that communication, rather than romanticization, is the key.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
PLATINUM Member
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted:
I don't have a verbose and compelling post to write, but fundamentally:
1) You don't move in, and forever wonder.
2) You move in, and go where your life paths take you.
You deserve happiness, Doc, and for this person to be put into your life after years of searching, it would seem folly not to try it.
The fear of the unknown or the fear of losing something is greater than the loss or knowing itself.
My sincerest and best wishes to you, friend.
I don't have a verbose and compelling post to write, but fundamentally:
1) You don't move in, and forever wonder.
2) You move in, and go where your life paths take you.
You deserve happiness, Doc, and for this person to be put into your life after years of searching, it would seem folly not to try it.
The fear of the unknown or the fear of losing something is greater than the loss or knowing itself.
My sincerest and best wishes to you, friend. ॐ
Owner of burningoftheclavey
Owned by Lost83spy
SILVER Member
member
108 posts
Location: Seoul, South Korea
member
108 posts
Location: Seoul, South Korea
Posted:
I agree with Brenn. If moving in together will make you both happy then do it. If the relationship eventually ends, then you'll have to deal with it then (and we'll be here for you of course!). But there's no point worrying about the future. Even if you could predict it, there's not much you could do about it. So go be happy
I agree with Brenn. If moving in together will make you both happy then do it. If the relationship eventually ends, then you'll have to deal with it then (and we'll be here for you of course!). But there's no point worrying about the future. Even if you could predict it, there's not much you could do about it. So go be happy
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I think I'm afraid of failure as a person. I've done so much in my life and I've only failed a few times. I want the perfect relationship. And what I want is what everyone wants. And I have this stupid belief that there's a certain amount of research or study or preparation that can MAKE it happen. And there just isn't.
Every indicator that I have so far is good.
I think I'm afraid of failure as a person. I've done so much in my life and I've only failed a few times. I want the perfect relationship. And what I want is what everyone wants. And I have this stupid belief that there's a certain amount of research or study or preparation that can MAKE it happen. And there just isn't.
Every indicator that I have so far is good.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
SILVER Member
Rampant whirler.
2,418 posts
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Rampant whirler.
2,418 posts
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Posted:
I apologise if it came across as 'below the belt' Doc, it was not at all intended that way. I did state quite specifically that heterosexual unions only appear to last longer.
There is a term referred to as "otherness"
The other is simply something that is foriegn to us, particularly used in reference to something that is foreign to groups to which we belong. Theres racial otherness, gender(masculinity/femininity) otherness, sex(male/female) otherness and an otherness that is generated from our sexual prefence... While often the other is feared and misunderstood, it can often be useful to examine the other in order to better understand ourselves (as well as a lot of the assumptions we make about what it means to be male, female, gay, straight, human, a hippie etc, etc...)
You yourself had suggested that it was common for people in 'the gay world' to last not quite so long and I merely wanted to try to ascertain why in case it might ease your mind somewhat (or at least provide a more constructive wall to bang your head against, because I know if something is going to bother me, it'll bother me no matter how many people tell me its going to be alright, I'd have to know why)
It was my intention to My language and the way I communicate may not be 100% PC but trust me when I say that the message and my ideas are all 100% PC.
I'd like to target my comments a little more specifically now...
My 1, 2 and 3 were aimed at the comment below.
Originally Posted By: Doc Lightning
But there is something that keeps hanging over my head, and maybe his. Other couples, and plenty of them, have broken up. Sometimes after a great many years. In the gay world, it almost seems to be a given. They all moved in together and they all thought their relationships were perfect, just like us.
1) Honestly theres not so much difference between heterosexual and homosexual unions to me... There are two human beings involved, everything between the two people is the same... the only real differences reside in social and biological constraints, a lot of percieved differences are due to these social and biological constraints/differences.
2)This is a great example where my language isn't PC. I meant 'you' by the social group to which you belong and I apologise for my slip. What I meant in this point is that 'divorce' is a split after a long, long period... if you have a look at the sort of taboo that marriage had in the 1950s then you can start to argue that the reason there are more divorces now isn't because less people are happy with their relationships you could say its because more people are willing to ignore the taboo around divorce. The gay community already has a taboo hanging over it in the eyes of quite a lot of ignorant people, so I'd assume that the gay community as a whole would be better equipped to ignore the taboo of "divorce" or seperation after a long term for those that don't believe in marriage which would make it appear as though less gay unions last (which is what you stated your fear as being)
3)I think that with the knowledge of what I said in 3) last post you can start to eliminate one of the factors that might lead to the downfall... that is, getting bored. Try setting goals together or at least including one another in your personal goals, communicating effectively in order to achieve them.
You already seem aware that you've got a fear of failure in general, try not to stress about the things that aren't within your control. Have a look at what is within your control and see what you can do from there, but don't get carried away and overthink or attempt to overassert yourself. Just be you, be happy and don't let the fear of failure bother you. All the reasons that heterosexuals might succeed where homosexuals may trip are essentially illusions. The framework is somewhat already set out, destinies are predetermined, you've got some more freedom in your choices because not many people even know what to expect a gay couple to 'produce' as is a pressure for a hetero couple.
I think that romanticism is also a key, but even romanticism requires proper communication to function.
I still may have phrased a few things incorrectly, most of my friends know that if theres any doubt over what I'm saying to just assume the most accepting and kind hearted motive. The reason some things come out incorrectly is because my mind can't even see any negative skewing of my own words, only the original intention.
I apologise if it came across as 'below the belt' Doc, it was not at all intended that way. I did state quite specifically that heterosexual unions only appear to last longer.
There is a term referred to as "otherness"
The other is simply something that is foriegn to us, particularly used in reference to something that is foreign to groups to which we belong. Theres racial otherness, gender(masculinity/femininity) otherness, sex(male/female) otherness and an otherness that is generated from our sexual prefence... While often the other is feared and misunderstood, it can often be useful to examine the other in order to better understand ourselves (as well as a lot of the assumptions we make about what it means to be male, female, gay, straight, human, a hippie etc, etc...)
You yourself had suggested that it was common for people in 'the gay world' to last not quite so long and I merely wanted to try to ascertain why in case it might ease your mind somewhat (or at least provide a more constructive wall to bang your head against, because I know if something is going to bother me, it'll bother me no matter how many people tell me its going to be alright, I'd have to know why)
It was my intention to My language and the way I communicate may not be 100% PC but trust me when I say that the message and my ideas are all 100% PC.
I'd like to target my comments a little more specifically now...
My 1, 2 and 3 were aimed at the comment below.
Originally Posted By: Doc Lightning
But there is something that keeps hanging over my head, and maybe his. Other couples, and plenty of them, have broken up. Sometimes after a great many years. In the gay world, it almost seems to be a given. They all moved in together and they all thought their relationships were perfect, just like us.
1) Honestly theres not so much difference between heterosexual and homosexual unions to me... There are two human beings involved, everything between the two people is the same... the only real differences reside in social and biological constraints, a lot of percieved differences are due to these social and biological constraints/differences.
2)This is a great example where my language isn't PC. I meant 'you' by the social group to which you belong and I apologise for my slip. What I meant in this point is that 'divorce' is a split after a long, long period... if you have a look at the sort of taboo that marriage had in the 1950s then you can start to argue that the reason there are more divorces now isn't because less people are happy with their relationships you could say its because more people are willing to ignore the taboo around divorce. The gay community already has a taboo hanging over it in the eyes of quite a lot of ignorant people, so I'd assume that the gay community as a whole would be better equipped to ignore the taboo of "divorce" or seperation after a long term for those that don't believe in marriage which would make it appear as though less gay unions last (which is what you stated your fear as being)
3)I think that with the knowledge of what I said in 3) last post you can start to eliminate one of the factors that might lead to the downfall... that is, getting bored. Try setting goals together or at least including one another in your personal goals, communicating effectively in order to achieve them.
You already seem aware that you've got a fear of failure in general, try not to stress about the things that aren't within your control. Have a look at what is within your control and see what you can do from there, but don't get carried away and overthink or attempt to overassert yourself. Just be you, be happy and don't let the fear of failure bother you. All the reasons that heterosexuals might succeed where homosexuals may trip are essentially illusions. The framework is somewhat already set out, destinies are predetermined, you've got some more freedom in your choices because not many people even know what to expect a gay couple to 'produce' as is a pressure for a hetero couple.
I think that romanticism is also a key, but even romanticism requires proper communication to function.
I still may have phrased a few things incorrectly, most of my friends know that if theres any doubt over what I'm saying to just assume the most accepting and kind hearted motive. The reason some things come out incorrectly is because my mind can't even see any negative skewing of my own words, only the original intention.
GOLD Member
Mission: Ignition
534 posts
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Mission: Ignition
534 posts
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posted:
Go the zen route. Nothing is forever, we only live a life time. He is who he is and you are who you are, you mesh. What's so complicated about boy meets boy?
Go the zen route. Nothing is forever, we only live a life time. He is who he is and you are who you are, you mesh. What's so complicated about boy meets boy?
Don't mind me, just passing through.
BRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand
Posted:
I think MNS has captured it quite well Doc.
If you spend your life worrying about what might happen, chances are you'll make it happen from all the worrying about it. Maybe it is Zen or maybe it's just "who cares" - go for it and see what happens. Worst case is that at some point in time it will stop working out and you'll seperate and be unhappy/maybe even bitter for a while. Heck, you've probaby been-there-done-that before right? So if that's the worst and you know you can handle it, then what's the best that could happen? Do you know if you can handle that??!!
Try looking at glass half full instead of half empty - stop second guessing it and go with the flow.
And all the very best of luck for a long future together Mike.
I think MNS has captured it quite well Doc.
If you spend your life worrying about what might happen, chances are you'll make it happen from all the worrying about it. Maybe it is Zen or maybe it's just "who cares" - go for it and see what happens. Worst case is that at some point in time it will stop working out and you'll seperate and be unhappy/maybe even bitter for a while. Heck, you've probaby been-there-done-that before right? So if that's the worst and you know you can handle it, then what's the best that could happen? Do you know if you can handle that??!!
Try looking at glass half full instead of half empty - stop second guessing it and go with the flow.
And all the very best of luck for a long future together Mike.
Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread
I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it. 
BRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia
Posted:
You have to live this life thing for the moment. You can't dwell and you can't think "what if." Things can change for a course you never even dreamed, so you need to accept it as a series of moments and just try to enjoy as many as possible.
You have to live this life thing for the moment. You can't dwell and you can't think "what if." Things can change for a course you never even dreamed, so you need to accept it as a series of moments and just try to enjoy as many as possible.
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
SILVER Member
old hand
768 posts
Location: San Francisco, California, USA
old hand
768 posts
Location: San Francisco, California, USA
Posted:
Doc! It's been a while.
Don't live in fear of what might happen. Don't keep looking for the fatal flaw. (echoing what others have said) Doing so only increases the likelihood that you'll create the situation you want to avoid. I don't want to be all hippie and use the word "manifest" but... "Perfection" is an illusion; focus on the love and that will carry you through whatever "imperfection" you think there is.
Be present and be honest, always.
Marty and I have been together for 16 + years. 17 years in January. It can happen.
Doc! It's been a while.
Don't live in fear of what might happen. Don't keep looking for the fatal flaw. (echoing what others have said) Doing so only increases the likelihood that you'll create the situation you want to avoid. I don't want to be all hippie and use the word "manifest" but... "Perfection" is an illusion; focus on the love and that will carry you through whatever "imperfection" you think there is.
Be present and be honest, always.
Marty and I have been together for 16 + years. 17 years in January. It can happen.
taken out of context i must seem so strange
~ ani di franco
SILVER Member
Destroyer of worlds and ooo shiny.
268 posts
Location: In my own head, United Kingdom
Destroyer of worlds and ooo shiny.
268 posts
Location: In my own head, United Kingdom
Posted:
Originally Posted By: Doc Lightning
Yet every time I go looking for the fatal flaw in our relationship, that thing that is going to doom us, that thing that has doomed other couples,
Advice.... Stop looking for a flaw.
Experience.... The flaw will be that your looking for a flaw and that could destroy something beautiful. Relax enjoy the time you spend together.
Originally Posted By: Doc Lightning
Yet every time I go looking for the fatal flaw in our relationship, that thing that is going to doom us, that thing that has doomed other couples,
Advice.... Stop looking for a flaw.
Experience.... The flaw will be that your looking for a flaw and that could destroy something beautiful. Relax enjoy the time you spend together.
SILVER Member
Destroyer of worlds and ooo shiny.
268 posts
Location: In my own head, United Kingdom
Destroyer of worlds and ooo shiny.
268 posts
Location: In my own head, United Kingdom
Posted:
Sorry didn’t bother to read anyone else’s posts. Looks like we all think the same thing. If only it was as easy in the real world.
Sorry didn’t bother to read anyone else’s posts. Looks like we all think the same thing. If only it was as easy in the real world.
PLATINUM Member
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted:
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningI think I'm afraid of failure as a person. I've done so much in my life and I've only failed a few times. I want the perfect relationship. And what I want is what everyone wants. And I have this stupid belief that there's a certain amount of research or study or preparation that can MAKE it happen. And there just isn't.
Every indicator that I have so far is good.
Relying on facts and figures, a product of the mind, on something which uniquely applies to you emotively and spiritually, isn't going to support or condone your own situation.
The fact that you're agonising over this is evidence enough that it means a lot to you and that you will both do whatever it takes to overcome anything that comes up.
To act on this and watch it run its course, whether it last forever or run its natural life, would be opportunity.
To refuse to act on something so promising would be failure.
Take the step, Doc.
EDITED_BY: Brenn (1248736121)
EDIT_REASON: clarity
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningI think I'm afraid of failure as a person. I've done so much in my life and I've only failed a few times. I want the perfect relationship. And what I want is what everyone wants. And I have this stupid belief that there's a certain amount of research or study or preparation that can MAKE it happen. And there just isn't.
Every indicator that I have so far is good.
Relying on facts and figures, a product of the mind, on something which uniquely applies to you emotively and spiritually, isn't going to support or condone your own situation.
The fact that you're agonising over this is evidence enough that it means a lot to you and that you will both do whatever it takes to overcome anything that comes up.
To act on this and watch it run its course, whether it last forever or run its natural life, would be opportunity.
To refuse to act on something so promising would be failure.
Take the step, Doc.
EDITED_BY: Brenn (1248736121)
EDIT_REASON: clarity
ॐ
Owner of burningoftheclavey
Owned by Lost83spy
GOLD Member
Rancor
253 posts
Location: Right Here, USA
Rancor
253 posts
Location: Right Here, USA
Posted:
Maybe you should spend less time looking for that fatal flaw, and more time loving and enjoying each other. You will never get another chance if you lose him.
Maybe you should spend less time looking for that fatal flaw, and more time loving and enjoying each other. You will never get another chance if you lose him.
Human
SILVER Member
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
Posted:
...and even if it does eventually end, having it be perfect for as long as it is will make it worth it, and you'll eventually get over it. But if you don't give it a go based on your feelings now, then you are depriving yourself of what could be.
I was a serial dater who would wake up one day and feel differently about whoever I was seeing at the time, and for a while, that stopped me from seeing anyone. I didn't feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel so stopped myself feeling anything. Then one day I felt something against my will and was afraid of it being just like before, but after much deliberation I decided to dive right in and experiance this new thing and just deal with what came, and now we have been living together since September and I just know that we are going to be together for ever. I have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
If it doesnt work out in the end I will be properly devaststed, but I'm going to work to make sure that that doesn't happen.
Hope it all works out for you Doc
...and even if it does eventually end, having it be perfect for as long as it is will make it worth it, and you'll eventually get over it. But if you don't give it a go based on your feelings now, then you are depriving yourself of what could be.
I was a serial dater who would wake up one day and feel differently about whoever I was seeing at the time, and for a while, that stopped me from seeing anyone. I didn't feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel so stopped myself feeling anything. Then one day I felt something against my will and was afraid of it being just like before, but after much deliberation I decided to dive right in and experiance this new thing and just deal with what came, and now we have been living together since September and I just know that we are going to be together for ever. I have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
If it doesnt work out in the end I will be properly devaststed, but I'm going to work to make sure that that doesn't happen.
Hope it all works out for you Doc
"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
sorry, couldn't read every bodies post either... only that much from my side:
enjoy the time you have, don't worry so much about the tomorrow and what it might bring - try to be in the present moment.
Just because others split up doesn't mean you have to
Just because it's perfect it doesn't mean that you will never have an argument
Just because you have an argument doesn't mean that your love ain't worth it
Enjoy that time of happiness and relax into it - anything else is the mistery of the future.
"Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own." (Baz Luhrman)
happy for the two of you
sorry, couldn't read every bodies post either... only that much from my side:
enjoy the time you have, don't worry so much about the tomorrow and what it might bring - try to be in the present moment.
Just because others split up doesn't mean you have to
Just because it's perfect it doesn't mean that you will never have an argument
Just because you have an argument doesn't mean that your love ain't worth it
Enjoy that time of happiness and relax into it - anything else is the mistery of the future.
"Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own." (Baz Luhrman)
happy for the two of you
the best smiles are the ones you lead to
GOLD Member
Mission: Ignition
534 posts
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Mission: Ignition
534 posts
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posted:
Very poetic FireTom, I love it. I think I can be safe in saying that all of HoP is behind you Doc, there's nothing else I can add.
Very poetic FireTom, I love it. I think I can be safe in saying that all of HoP is behind you Doc, there's nothing else I can add.
Don't mind me, just passing through.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Originally Posted By: blu_valleyI have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
"Wobbly moments?" Is that what those are called? Those moments when he is in your thoughts not surrounded by a loving twinkle? The non-romantic moments? The totally mundane moments where he's just the guy I'm used to having in bed with me?
I had a few of those. I'm glad, Blue_Valley, to know they're normal.
Originally Posted By: blu_valleyI have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
"Wobbly moments?" Is that what those are called? Those moments when he is in your thoughts not surrounded by a loving twinkle? The non-romantic moments? The totally mundane moments where he's just the guy I'm used to having in bed with me?
I had a few of those. I'm glad, Blue_Valley, to know they're normal.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
above all: don't become "needy"...
all relationships that base upon "neediness" are bound to fail.
"non-loving" and "non-romantic" moments are inevitable and more than that: even moments of angriness are inevitable if you really love someone.
Try not to fall into the same old patterns to sabotage your love. There are no guarantees, only opportunities.
above all: don't become "needy"...
all relationships that base upon "neediness" are bound to fail.
"non-loving" and "non-romantic" moments are inevitable and more than that: even moments of angriness are inevitable if you really love someone.
Try not to fall into the same old patterns to sabotage your love. There are no guarantees, only opportunities.
the best smiles are the ones you lead to
BRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posted:
Lots of relationships fail, Doc
Look at the divorce rate.
Don't try to look for the flaw. If there is one there will be one. But a flaw doesn't mean the end of a relationship. It just means you have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Like toe clicking or bath towels on the floor
There will be times that the warm fuzzies go away and that's when your all's friendship comes to play
There will be time where you don't like each other very much, but if there is enduring love, this will pass
I've been in three long term relationships, never been married. probably not anytime soon either. I just try and go with the flow
Lots of relationships fail, Doc
Look at the divorce rate.
Don't try to look for the flaw. If there is one there will be one. But a flaw doesn't mean the end of a relationship. It just means you have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Like toe clicking or bath towels on the floor
There will be times that the warm fuzzies go away and that's when your all's friendship comes to play
There will be time where you don't like each other very much, but if there is enduring love, this will pass
I've been in three long term relationships, never been married. probably not anytime soon either. I just try and go with the flow
Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed
GOLD Member
Pyromancer extraordinair
88 posts
Location: Netherlands
Pyromancer extraordinair
88 posts
Location: Netherlands
Posted:
Hiya Doc,
my closest friends probably would say that I'm not the most capable person of talking about love, as my own affairs have never led to long time relationships. Yet somehow I end up giving a shoulder to cry on when needs be. So yeah I've had my share of stories about break-ups.
Point of fact, most relationships I've seen it hardly matters wether you are gay or straight. So first off all, you should stop thinking about your relationship as different.
People might call gayness, unnatural or ambivelent, just forget them. They forget that many species of animals show gay love, wether be it to claim superiority in a group or by lack of female companions. It's seen with rabbits, wolves and cats to name a few. So with that out of my system...
If you break up after moving in it probably is because you two either not match up as well as you thought, but I think you established the fact that you can spent time together a lot. Sure in the beginning it is all fun and games. So ask yourself this question, how long have you've been in this relationship?
Now if you know how long it's been try to take a step back and look from a different angle, has the relationship been going on long enough for you two to try and live together? If this answers as a yes, then just take the plunge and go for it.
If you think you need a little more time, then there's your answer aswell.
Also other questions that come to mind:
- Have you ever had a big fight?
- Have you ever taken a long trip together (especially camping trips appear to be good relationshiptests)?
- Can you except each others flaws, cause everyone is bound to have a few?
- Is this the man with who you see yourself grow old and feeble?
Then one final word of advice, don't think too much about what might be (in this case a break-up). But try to live in the moment and enjoy the relationship.
The only thing I see that is in your way is the doubt that something might go wrong.
The only thing that actually might go wrong, is this doubt getting in your way.
EDITED_BY: Raoul_Hagenbeek (1249048684)
Hiya Doc,
my closest friends probably would say that I'm not the most capable person of talking about love, as my own affairs have never led to long time relationships. Yet somehow I end up giving a shoulder to cry on when needs be. So yeah I've had my share of stories about break-ups.
Point of fact, most relationships I've seen it hardly matters wether you are gay or straight. So first off all, you should stop thinking about your relationship as different.
People might call gayness, unnatural or ambivelent, just forget them. They forget that many species of animals show gay love, wether be it to claim superiority in a group or by lack of female companions. It's seen with rabbits, wolves and cats to name a few. So with that out of my system...
If you break up after moving in it probably is because you two either not match up as well as you thought, but I think you established the fact that you can spent time together a lot. Sure in the beginning it is all fun and games. So ask yourself this question, how long have you've been in this relationship?
Now if you know how long it's been try to take a step back and look from a different angle, has the relationship been going on long enough for you two to try and live together? If this answers as a yes, then just take the plunge and go for it.
If you think you need a little more time, then there's your answer aswell.
Also other questions that come to mind:
- Have you ever had a big fight?
- Have you ever taken a long trip together (especially camping trips appear to be good relationshiptests)?
- Can you except each others flaws, cause everyone is bound to have a few?
- Is this the man with who you see yourself grow old and feeble?
Then one final word of advice, don't think too much about what might be (in this case a break-up). But try to live in the moment and enjoy the relationship.
The only thing I see that is in your way is the doubt that something might go wrong.
The only thing that actually might go wrong, is this doubt getting in your way.
EDITED_BY: Raoul_Hagenbeek (1249048684)
What is life, without a little risk!
SILVER Member
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
Posted:
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningOriginally Posted By: blu_valleyI have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
"Wobbly moments?" Is that what those are called? Those moments when he is in your thoughts not surrounded by a loving twinkle? The non-romantic moments? The totally mundane moments where he's just the guy I'm used to having in bed with me?
I had a few of those. I'm glad, Blu_Valley, to know they're normal.
Bingo! It's Ok to have those Wobbly moments , as long as you don't try to make a big deal out of them I've found, because they arn't a big deal, no matter how dramatic you may be feeling at the time. Yes it doesn't feel the way it did when we first started seeing each other, but it's still exciting and on some levels it really is getting better. I've taken my time to slowly take my boy off of that pedestal and it's an amazing feeling to discover that he's still an amazing and beautiful creature, which is what I knew all along. And me knowing something is not something I should have doubted, because when I know something I know it, and from what I can tell, I think you're that kind of person too.
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningOriginally Posted By: blu_valleyI have my wobbly moments, but then I ask myself: Do you love him? And the answer is yes, more than I've ever loved anything. So I know I'm doing the right thing.
"Wobbly moments?" Is that what those are called? Those moments when he is in your thoughts not surrounded by a loving twinkle? The non-romantic moments? The totally mundane moments where he's just the guy I'm used to having in bed with me?
I had a few of those. I'm glad, Blu_Valley, to know they're normal.
Bingo! It's Ok to have those Wobbly moments , as long as you don't try to make a big deal out of them I've found, because they arn't a big deal, no matter how dramatic you may be feeling at the time. Yes it doesn't feel the way it did when we first started seeing each other, but it's still exciting and on some levels it really is getting better. I've taken my time to slowly take my boy off of that pedestal and it's an amazing feeling to discover that he's still an amazing and beautiful creature, which is what I knew all along. And me knowing something is not something I should have doubted, because when I know something I know it, and from what I can tell, I think you're that kind of person too.
"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer
addict
489 posts
Location: Perth
489 posts
Location: Perth
Posted:
Hey Doc! So great to hear that you've found someone!
Though I only have my two+ yr relationship with Jed to base this off, I watched a program once with golden oldies who have been together for 50+ years and they were giving advice.
The best advice I took from it is "Never go to bed angry at the other person."
I realise that all the arguments I've had with Jed have been me taking something silly too far and letting Girly emotions ruin my thinking (luckily you don't have these horrible emotions to deal with).
If you communicate about any issues when and where they come up and have nothing hidden, eating away, then I think you'll last a long time.
Hey Doc! So great to hear that you've found someone!
Though I only have my two+ yr relationship with Jed to base this off, I watched a program once with golden oldies who have been together for 50+ years and they were giving advice.
The best advice I took from it is "Never go to bed angry at the other person."
I realise that all the arguments I've had with Jed have been me taking something silly too far and letting Girly emotions ruin my thinking (luckily you don't have these horrible emotions to deal with).
If you communicate about any issues when and where they come up and have nothing hidden, eating away, then I think you'll last a long time.
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
one thing I realized is that when it comes to love... these "horrible emotions" are not gender specific
one thing I realized is that when it comes to love... these "horrible emotions" are not gender specific the best smiles are the ones you lead to
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
As I drove downtown today with Dentrassi, we saw two very elderly men. One clutched a cane in one hand... and his boyfriend in the other. They had grown old together and obviously still loved each-other very much.
I want to be that.
As I drove downtown today with Dentrassi, we saw two very elderly men. One clutched a cane in one hand... and his boyfriend in the other. They had grown old together and obviously still loved each-other very much.
I want to be that.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia
Posted:
That's adorable
That's adorable
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
BRONZE Member
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Posted:
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningAs I drove downtown today with Dentrassi, we saw two very elderly men. One clutched a cane in one hand... and his boyfriend in the other. They had grown old together and obviously still loved each-other very much.
I want to be that.
Hopefully in the future doc, I hope you don't want to be old before your time. Give Dentrassi a hug from me I only got to see him for an afternoon
Originally Posted By: Doc LightningAs I drove downtown today with Dentrassi, we saw two very elderly men. One clutched a cane in one hand... and his boyfriend in the other. They had grown old together and obviously still loved each-other very much.
I want to be that.
Hopefully in the future doc, I hope you don't want to be old before your time. Give Dentrassi a hug from me I only got to see him for an afternoon
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
very sweet picture :o)
very sweet picture :o)
the best smiles are the ones you lead to
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