Forums > Social Discussion > My mum and cancer

Posted: 7th Apr 2007


Has been an interesting day... couple of days, really.

It's sooo obvious now, the ever-quickening slow down...

She gets tired easily... talking to people, moving about.

Everything happens at a snail's pace... But fortunately, both my parents are retired and with few outside demands, so that's ok.

Mum was never one for doing anything slowly, so it's incredibly frustrating for her... which gets her down alot.

Understandable, really.

Steve (2bags) and his friend Kelsey visited yesterday... lol, it's great... I'm getting all my friends to meet her before she goes (keeping her alive through memory).

Let's see... she's met Lisa, Nick, Andy, Arashi, Durbs, Strugz, 2bags, Ros... lol, if she was a spinner, she'd be set

She's also feeling a bit nauseous... I got her some good ginger tea, and she tried it today... she seems to like it, so that's good.

Her breathing is very bad, and she has a big unpleasant swelling in her leg - which she's on more medication for. She must be taking 20-odd pills a day, or more.

Her spirits had lifted by the time I left this evening... which helps everyone else around her lots.

Dad is coping admirably. Am proud of him.

Have a good weekend and Easter

xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 7th Apr 2007


think of all the skills she could have learnt from all of her Hoppy visitors!

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 10th Apr 2007
I know!!











So then...



Mum is deteriorating quite quickly. She's keeping in good spirits, but the inevitable is like a big black, heavy cloud pressing down on her.



Her blood count has dropped again. Not really sure what this means... but it's not good.



I've been seeing her every day recently. She hasn't been in the mood for more 'interviewing', but will try again tonight.



Seeing her lifts both our moods when I'm there... but I get very upset afterwards.



However... I am considering going to visit some friends this weekend (from Thursday to Sunday).



I really want to go see them (missed them lots, and haven't seen most of them in ages)... and both parents said I should go... but am feeling unsure about it.



What happens if something goes wrong when I'm away?



Told her this fear yesterday - she said 'you can't live like that... just do what you want, especially as you can't change it anyway'.



Then she said: 'what would you do differently if something was to happen?'



Arrrrggghghhh!!!



This is the worst question... I have no idea!



I'd probably want to be there, all the time.



But I can't be there all the time... because my mother and I have already found out that we don't live well together... and hanging around waiting for something bad to happen is unnecessarily morbid.



Le sigh.



I'll talk to her again tonight...



She said if anything happens, they'll let me know straight away, so I can make arrangements to get back.



Hmmmmmmm.



I'll probably go... but it would help to feel better about that decision.



x
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1176210484)

Getting to the other side

Posted: 10th Apr 2007
See you soon
we've got a hot date on thursday with a bottle of bucky remember
Drew

Posted: 10th Apr 2007
Clare,
Of course you want to be close to your mum and be there for her. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your position. I think seeing friends and having some well deserved hugs will do you good.

I think you're right, if you stay it will seem like you're "waiting for death", which isn't really a nice thought.

Go see your friends, take lots of photos and when you get back you can tell your mum about all the fun you had, and she'll be proud.

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 10th Apr 2007
Sweetheart, you are not going far away, is is okay to go and have a break, a visit with friends, some support and some bucky! If needed you can get back super fast.

God, having to get back from Falmouth was a bit of a nightmare for me, but then that was half way across the world . I think if I had known how ill my dad was at the time, I would not have gone so far away and chosen to spend more time together. But hindsight is always a hundred percent, and you can really only work with what feels right at the time.

Something may or may not happen, but every day is like that. If you and her were good, happy staying together full time, maybe that would be a good choice, But it sounds as if you do best with a little breathing space, and that is just fine!You will have fresh energy and stories to share after the weekend!

best wishes, and a huge hug! ( pass it on...)

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

Posted: 10th Apr 2007
Clare Sorry to hear about your mum's deteriorating condition! But i second what everyone else is saying, you need to get out and do other things, I agree with your parents that if anything happens they will contact you and you'll be on the way as soon as you can say "your on fire".

My thoughts are with you?

Might this Thursday to sunday event be the BJC

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

Posted: 10th Apr 2007


Thanks everyone... it's appreciated... and thanks Andrea... your experiences are helping me lots

I will go... I've been missing these 'friends' for ages... though I'll be keeping my phone close by

And Will... I couldn't possibly say... sure, wouldn't it ruin any type of surprise?

Getting to the other side

Posted: 10th Apr 2007

Posted: 17th Apr 2007
I feel a lil awkward posting here as you don't know me Clare. I know it's little comfort at this time, but I just wanted to send you this

Thinking of you and your family

x

Are you a robot...or an alien?

Posted: 17th Apr 2007
i dont kno u personally _Clare_ but stay strong for your family

..."LOOK at me, HERE I am, lllllooove me"... Luigi "Cars: The Movie."

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
(Reposted... because I guess even the low points are part of the journey...)





Thanks peoples.



*le sigh*



Ever had one of those weeks where you just can't believe how rubbish your life is and you lose interest in everything?



Do you have a dark place that your mind slides into every now again and you can't get out of? You just have to ride it through, hoping that you don't do too much damage in the meantime - stumbling about, bumping into people, things and emotions in the dark?



I realised this week I might be starting to revisit my dark place again...

I can recognise it now because my mind can't focus on anything, I feel panicked and a bit shell-shocked all the time, and I start to talk about myself alot - to anyone who will listen (or read). It happens every couple of years or so... and unfortunately is coinciding again with another best friend's wedding...



I can't focus on work, and certainly can't motivate myself to do performance-related stuff... which makes me worried about what I'm not doing. Instead, I post crap on a website all day... and worry about 'what does this mean'. (I tell myself that it's important because it's distracting... I'm sure there's logic there somewhere).



My crazy energy has meant that one of my support friends has had to back off for their own peace of mind. Completely understandable, but I feel awful and guilty.



People keep telling me how strong I am... but I look at my life and want to throw up.



And still... my mum continues to look more frail and pale and frightened.



She's had a big lumpy thing in her leg, which is making it very difficult for her to walk. She can only go up and down the 14 stairs in my parents house once a day. It's been weeks since she's been able to drive.



She is very frustrated at her lack of mobility and her reliance on dad (who is being a superhero... I've never seen my dad so busy, able and generally cheery for her benefit)



Her day is filled with phonecalls and visits from well-wishers and family. She is pleasant and friendly with them, and enthusiastic to talk to them... but you can see it draining her...



I call round at inappropriate times ( ) to raid their fridge and make random chit chat. Amuse them with stories of foolish craziness. (Amuse/mild despair... one of the two)



She has become my 'short little fat lady'... because she's bimbling about, all slumped and bloated in a blue cardigan... trying to put a brave face on the horror of what she's going through. Fair play. She's like a little teddy bear.



The fear is creeping into their home, and mine. And there's not much we can do about it.



Occasionally she looks at me and I can see the fear in her eyes... and there's nothing I can do.



I've asked a shaman friend of mine, who my mum knows and likes, to come visit - I reckon he'll cheer her up a bit and give her some peace.



We still have so much to do and talk about. We haven't visited the funeral home yet, and I'm only three questions into the 12 I want to ask.



This probably all sounds a bit foolish and melodramatic, but it's a reflection on my mind that this actually makes me cry.



Mum doesn't know any of that, of course.



I seem to be developing completely seperate personalities... the one for friends, the one for parents, and the one that posts in this thread. This one should probably be private. In a diary somewhere. Because it's long past being appropriate for public reading (it's easy to forget that anyone else reads this).



I had a great time at the BJC last week, despite the extreme emotional rollercoaster I was on. Ended up sobbing on about 20 people (when they were all hungover and didn't need it) - and I don't even know all of them very well.



Le sigh...



I'm fed up.

I'm lonely.

And I've had enough.



Thank you everyone for your love and support, and it has made me feel better... but right now, nothings going to help.



To the six lovely Hopper friends who have shared with me their own personal experiences of family members leaving them... thank you. And I wish I could be as brave as you, and as dignified... but i can't.



I'm tired and I'm scared.
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1177071676)

Getting to the other side

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
Clare,
you don't need to put on a brave face for your family, your friends. You're going through probably one of the hardest things that anyone will ever have to deal with.
Don't feel guilty. Please.

I have no words of comfort, I have nothing I can say or do that will make this situation any better.

Please know that I am ALWAYS here, I promise. I cry when I read this thread, I feel for you so much. I can't bear the thought of you alone feeling the way you do.

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
Hey lovely lady!!

You are a human being!! Don´t forguet about it!! You can´t control everything, and you can´t help others without helping yourself first. You are doing the best you can, and will always feel like isn´t enough, but it is!!
Try to take it easy ( I know, is hard, but try!)
About feeling alone,..what can I say,..We are always alone, that isn´t bad, the loneliness , that´s the bad one!!
Enjoy with your family as much as you can, taking your space to get your strength back.
Be yourself and do what you feel!! You don´t have to show anything to anyone!!
( My litlle tip; CRY!!!, afterwards feels much better) and tell your mum how much you love her.

Lots of love and hugs beautiful!!

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
Seriously Clare

This is one of the worst things, if not THE worst thing that can happen to anyone. Loss of a parent. So don't feel like you're a burden on anyone. Of course you can't work up the excitment for spinning or motivation for work. This is not melodramatic or foolish.

What I would say to you is that you and your mum shouldn't bottle things for each other's sake. If you need to cry in each other's company, do it. Being strong doesn't mean not crying. The bottling up of emotions will be more harmful in the long run. Being strong means allowing yourself a certain amount of 'weakness'.

I wish I was more accommodating when you were at your worst at BJC, but I wanted to let you know that if you did want to talk you were more than welcome. But I guess I was trying to put on a brave face for you as well and not trying to spoil your fun. Not very mature I know... But I'm not perfect.

Are you glad you went? I for was happy to meet you and I can now say that she is lucky to have a lovely beautiful daughter.

Have you spoken to work about maybe a slight career break? Because it'll definitely not benefitting you or them by being there if this is how you're feeling...

Don't hate yourself for having bad thoughts you might have. About other people not understanding your pain because they haven't lost their parents,being angry at your mum for leaving you, any negative emotion you have, let it out.a Express them, write them down, tell someone, problem shared, problem halved and all that blah... There is some truth in it. Don't suffer whilst feeling you're alone.

Don't feel like you're a burden to your friends or family. If you really DON'T want to burden them. Talk to a counsellor, who will not judge you and will know something about bereavement. But remember we ARE here for you.

And remember, your mother didn't raise you to waste your life worrying. Yes, you should be worried now, but please, don't worry alone.

Call me or anyone you feel comfortable with if you want to talk.

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

Posted: 18th Apr 2007


I suck at compassionate posts and talking - but above is 100% what I think and try to convey in my poor way

Burner of Toast
Spinner of poi
Slacker of enormous magnitude

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
Jo thanks.



Maddi... hope you're well lady... it was lonely I meant. I've changed it. I can't control anything... that's half the problem. I know i don't have to show anyone anything... and I've been thinking about deleting this thread... or that rather dark post above... I still haven't because it's partly theraputic, and it's also interesting for me to see this journey.



If people get upset with what I write at this stage... well, you were warned pages ago that it would get tough... and what do you expect, with a title like that?



Dave thanks mister... you've been making me smile lots recently, with our talk of innuendo and smut... it's appreciated. And never worry about the BJC... you were grand.



Durbs... le sigh. You were one of the first English people I started being friends with on here... memories of you contacting in my purple pimp hat at Falmouth 3 You've been through (practically) all of my emotional amusement over the last couple of years (damn boys)... and you do not need to justify anything or apologise for anything... gaylord. Come visit me soon though

Getting to the other side

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
Oh, I wish i could make it go away for you.

I know the dark places well, and it is fine to share yours hun. Let yourself be, whatever it is.You dont need to judge or question all your responses. However you are, as weak or confused or whatever--- is fine, it is as it is.

Reality is sometimes ugly, and we do just have to ride through it the best we can. Friends will forgive and understand any emotional lapses, and when one needs to take a break from supporting, chances are another will find a way to be there for you.

I have to admit, at the worst of it, nothing did help. I tried many many things. Eventually I gave up and just waited.Tried to avoid anything overtly self destructive. Eventually it got lighter, and easier.

the looks you catch in their eyes, the fear and emotional pain, well, those certainly can be haunting. I had to make a conscious effort to replace them with ones of joy, humour, love...

xoxoxo

wish I could just snuggle up and hold you a while, so you could cry safely in someones arms, and let yourself go. I hope you find a way to release some of this, so you can carry on...

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

Posted: 18th Apr 2007




Andrea... no words darlin
xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
don't worry, it's natural, and I know that doesn't help but there it is.
you are being strong. you are making your way through a devastating event. and you keep going. that is strength despite the utter weakness you feel. feel as rotten as you want, it's your right
you mentioned that your dad is a superhero, and how much do you want to bet that your dad is struggling too
don't worry about posting here, we like to think we can help

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

Posted: 18th Apr 2007
I've got nothing to say. but you knew that already

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

Posted: 19th Apr 2007
Hi Clare

As I am finding in a far less trying situation right now, its good to know you have people around you, thinking about you, there for you.

For what its worth, please add my name to that list.

David

Posted: 19th Apr 2007
Don't know if a hug from a stranger will help Clare, but it's a very long list...
love, light and many supportive and warm thoughts coming to you from all over the world. I can picture them spiraling in towards you... so much love expressed for you here.
Thanks for being so incredibly open. It will help this community and all of the individuals that belong to it to see your strengths and your vulnerabilities. But its even better if its helping you to write it down. Do what you can for your mum, your family and yourself.

My thoughts are with you darlin


Xox

love

xo

... simplify ...

Posted: 19th Apr 2007
clare - i dont knwo you as well as others on this site, i wounldnt pretend to, i know that in the list of ppl to talk to, i may be low down

but trust me when i say to you, that you have so much love and respect on this site, not only for teh person you are, spinning wise, but for the brave and honarable way you are dealing with this life change.

to be honest with you, i have neevr lost a parent, i am very lucky, but i have lost many of my closest friends, and those hurt to.

i don't like to go into this, im not as brave, or strong as you, it still cuts very deep for me, but know that you are dealing wit this the best way.

you ARE an amazing young lady, and in these dark times you are seeking lights form your friends and allies to help you find your way.

always remember that there is places for you to run to, and places for you to stay while teh storm bashes you.

knwo you are not alone, even at 3am when you are awake and cant sleep, you are not alone.

you will never be alone, of that i promise you.

yous hould never be shamed, or feel you need to delet posts here, you are among friends, and a true firned wont judge you, but will offer support to you.

look at this thread, full of ppl offering you help, we all love you in different ways

i thank you for your hugs on sat night, i hope they helped in some small way, i wish like BansheeCat says, i coudl wrap you up in my lap, and let you pour your heart out untill you fell asleep.

i dont know what i can do to help you, but to listen, and to always tell you i will be roud of you no matter what lady,

i am proud of you, i am proud to know you, i am proud of your mother for raising you, i am proud of your dad for his strength, i am proud of your whole family.


you are amazing.

Step (el-nombrie)

Posted: 19th Apr 2007


Damn I wish I could focus on doing something...

Thank you for your love... and I can really feel it coming to me when I read these posts.

Step... thank you for your lovely words... I like your contrast... from uber-smut to uber-sensitive... fabulous

To those who have sent me PMs... thank you and I am thinking of you... I haven't responded to PMs in ages, because I seem to be avoiding most things at the minute... but I will.

Getting to the other side

Posted: 19th Apr 2007

 Written by: _Clare_




Step... thank you for your lovely words... I like your contrast... from uber-smut to uber-sensitive... fabulous

honey, only for you, and only cos its needed

(just dont tell anyone, it will ruin me)

Step (el-nombrie)

Posted: 19th Apr 2007
Clare, don't be so hard on yourself. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel all these mixture of emotion. Our door and hearts are always open to you.

Mech, you are so gorgeous! I am honoured to be able to call you my friend

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 19th Apr 2007

 Written by: Skulduggery



Mech, you are so gorgeous! I am honoured to be able to call you my friend

see now its fooking ruined, now ppl think im nice...

dont make me bring teh *THWAP* back!



clare you are as always, an inspiration...thank you

skully - you are lush beyond words, i am so glad you and jonnie found each other, my blessings on your relationship.

Step (el-nombrie)

Posted: 19th Apr 2007


Hehehhehe... you have an alter-ego... cool

Getting to the other side

Posted: 19th Apr 2007
Hi Clare ,

Princess my heart is aching for you and your family right now. I didn’t read the post you made and deleted but I just feel that I need to share with you.
Clare you already know I went through this last year with my mum

Mum had been ill with many forms of cancer during the last 6 years, stating with lung and finally ending with 3 large brain tumours (with other forms in the middle too). I live in London and my parents in Lincoln; it felt like a million miles away a lot of the time

My father retired from his job September 05 - due to having a mortgage to pay and mum not being at work for the last few years dad wasn’t able to leave his job before that time. Three weeks after retirement mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour, this hit us all so hard – we really thought that she was going into a longer period of stability.

Mum required a lot of care over the next few months, while at first we all wanted her to be at home, we (including mum) realised due to the nature of her illness she required a lot more help, more than any of us were able to offer her (on the spot medicines and other things). During the past mum had been admitted to the local hospice when she needed it, or when dad needed the rest (it was emotionally and physically draining for us all). So she went back in there and received the 24 hour care that she so desperately needed. It was a happy beautiful Hospice – even now when I think about it I feel a sense of calm, the nurses became family and friends to us all.

In the last few months I wanted to spend all of time my with my family – Thanks to Coleman being the amazing person that he is, I was taken to and from Lincoln every weekend and more often than not during the week. I was scared that I was going to miss something, be it just a moment of my real mother being back (the tumours changed her personality dramatically – almost making her a child at times).

Toward the end my feelings were changing every day, sometimes hourly

By then, I wanted mum to die – I couldn’t bear to see her suffer the way she was. Mum had always told us that she was scared of losing her mind; she could handle her body failing but not her head.

I thought what a horrible human being I was for wanting that to happen to my own mother. In the end I talked to Cole, I shared all my fears with him; he totally understood what I meant. It’s hard to watch someone you love and respect to much being eaten away slowly. When I finally talked to my dad and sister about this I realised that they too were feeling the same. It actually brought us together, made us lean on each other in ways that we had never managed to before.

Mum’s soul was finally released on January 31st 2006

You’re allowed to be scared, frightened, confused… Expect it, but also expect the highs, the small things that make you realise you have been given the chance to meet the real person behind the name of mum. Be yourself, it’s the only chance you will ever have.

I was lucky to have fallen in love with the beautiful Coleman – he helped show me that he and my friends wanted to sit and listen to me/cry with me/hug me. So many of you out there kept me up during even the darkest times… Helz Bellz, Bluecat, Mech, Knoxious and far too many others to list, I love you all so much and want you to know it

Clare at the time of my trouble I wish I could have reached out to others more, or accepted the love compassion that they were giving me, but I didn’t feel I deserved it… I thought those things should have been meant for my mum and not for me, this too is a normal reaction/feeling.

Honey this might or might not be what you wanted to read, but at last I feel that now I can speak to all about what happened.

I know I don’t need to say it again, but keep sharing with us, we are all here to pick you up, wipe away your tears, give you the understanding you need. Heck how many times have you been the angel that you are and given selflessly to others?

We love you Clare,

Lisa
x

A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.