I've discovered a new species

Disclaimer 1: this is a little knock off of Dio's "Define a Candy Raver" thread. However, given the amount of effort, time, and sheer bored energy that I put into writing this treatise and formatting it for UBB, I wanted to give it its own thread to live in.

Disclaimer 2: This is a very long post. If you don't have a lot of time to read it carefully, come back later.

Disclaimer 3: This is a joke. That means it's not meant to be taken seriously. If you find yourself reading it and getting angry or taking it personally, then you are totally missing the point. So sit back, take a deep breath, and chill out. biggrin

Remember, I'm a candy raver, too. ubblol

Disclaimer 4: If I have forgotten anything important and you want to offer constructive criticism, please do. If you think this is the most hilarious thing ever and want to E-mail it to your friends, be sure to credit me.

Here we go:

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New Species Report: Homo caramelis (candy raver)

Michael L. Ginsberg, M.S.

Abstract:

We report here the finding of a new species that is found in many parts of the world. This new species, which we have tentatively designated Homo caramelis (“candy man”), is commonly known as the “candy raver” and is morphologically very similar to Homo sapiens sapiens. We describe our initial findings on its physical appearance, behavior, habitat, and life cycle.

Introduction:

Over the last few decades, there have been numerous reports of large gatherings of human-appearing revelers who transiently gather in various locations in very large numbers (hundreds to millions of individuals). These venues are characterized by very loud rhythmic music, flashing lights, and temperature extremes. Most such gatherings begin in the late evening and last until the early hours of the morning.

Previous belief held that the so-called “candy ravers” (or simply “Ravers” for short) that attended these events were some degenerate sort of Homo sapiens sapiens (modern humans), but this nocturnal behavior as well as others which we will describe in this report clearly differentiate ravers from humans, although they do seem to be closely related.

Here we will present the evidence that ravers, for which we propose the Latin classification Homo caramelis (Candy Man), are worthy of investigation as a new species.

Physical Description and Anatomy:

H. caramelis is closely humanoid, which could explain the common belief that this species is actually a subspecies of H. sapiens sapiens. The candy raver, like humans, varies widely in shape and size on an individual basis. The mean body fat content of the candy raver is somewhat lower than that of the average adult human in 2002, however, the range of values is similar. Many candy ravers are lean and graceful creatures capable of spectacular displays of coordination and athletic ability that will be discussed below. However, some candy ravers are clearly obese and suffer from related problems. Candy ravers appear to exist in a relatively limited age range of 16-30 years, although outliers have been reported who were as young as 2-3 years and as old as 60 years. Candy ravers appear to possess a lighter mean skin pigmentation than the mean for the human population, although a wide range is also observed for this value.

Male and female candy ravers are commonly observed in approximately equal numbers at most gatherings. Some sexual dimorphism is also observed and will be discussed below.

The candy raver integumentary system is similar to that of H. sapiens sapiens, however some variation has been noted. Some candy ravers appear to have highly geometric pigmented marks on their skin (often on their faces and around their eyes) while others possess regions of skin that fluoresces when exposed to light in the ultraviolet region of the spectrum. Various theories have attempted to explain these markings, and it is possible that some may be ritually applied in special ceremonies unique to candy raver society, while other investigators have proposed these markings are natural formations and believe that they may be genetic. We have not been able to track individual candy ravers to observe whether these markings change over time. In rare cases very elaborate markings and patterns can be found on a single individual, although the significance of these markings is unknown.

Candy raver hair is another remarkable feature that shows a very marked sexual dimorphism. Male candy ravers typically have very short hair that may be spiky and stiff to the touch. Occasionally, a male specimen is observed that varies from this norm, but the significance of this variation is unclear. It is suspected that another species in the genus Homonidae, H. cannabis (Hippies) may accidentally happen upon candy raver gatherings on occasion, where they seem to be tolerated. Alternatively, these specimens may be crossbreeds between these two species, much as mules are crossbreeds between donkeys and horses.

Female candy raver hair is much more variable and ranges from relatively simple arrangement to spectacular and ornate displays. Most female candy ravers have at least shoulder-length hair. On the simple end of the spectrum, many specimens tie their hair back into ponytails or, quite often, pigtails. On the complex end of the spectrum, elaborate arrangements involving multiple hair appliances, holders, and clips have been observed. For both males and females, hair color is often found within the normal range of human colors, but some startling colors such as purple, green, blue, bright red, pink, and orange have been observed. Colors may be uniform or varigated, possibly suggesting chromosomal trans genetic effects in chromosomal regulation, established early in development.

While other physical characteristics of ravers are very similar to their human relatives, a very few ravers have been observed to possess some sort of plug that occludes the external auditory meatus. It is unclear whether this is an anatomical variation and other ravers have such occluding organs located deep within the external auditory canal or whether these individuals may possess a unique adaptation to their noisy habitat.

Finally, candy ravers possess striking organs that help to adapt them to their nocturnal environment. Different candy ravers possess different patterns of glowing appendages that may be found in the mouth, attached to the hands, or sometimes even attached by fibrous cords to the hands. Spectacular displays may be observed as candy ravers manipulate these organs in complex patterns as described below in “behavior”. These organs appear to be removable and we propose that they grow in special glands on the candy raver body and then are molted when mature so that they can be used. Investigations with diffraction gratings have revealed that the light from these organs consists of one to three distinct wavelengths. This suggests that a very few chemical reactions taking place within the organ (called a “glo-stik” in candy raver language) is responsible for the phosphorescence. No heat is generated in the reaction although the reaction can be halted by reducing the temperature to less than 0°C and will resume upon exposure to room temperature. These organs are covered by a hard, but flexible covering and are cylindrical. Sizes range from 0.2 cm diameter and 2 cm length to 1.5 cm diameter and 13-14 cm in length. Smaller specimens are often stored in the mouth while larger specimens are carried in the hands or attached to the hands by strings. Colors have been observed covering the entire visual spectrum and rare specimens may even include the UVA spectrum.

Most “glo-stiks” generate a modest light for 8-12 hours, but some candy ravers can molt special “ul-trah” "glo-stiks" that generate an intense orange light for 5-10 minutes before fading.

Habitat and Nesting Habits:

As mentioned above, candy ravers are primarily observed in large, nocturnal gatherings called “raves,” which are characterized by very loud, rhythmic noises, flashing lights, UV illumination (often in the UVA range of the spectrum, which is not harmful to humans), and temperature extremes. Sporadic daytime sightings have been reported, but these have often been brief and have not been substantiated with photographic evidence.

The environment inside a rave is stressful for most humans. Throughout the venue, noise levels as high as 80 decibels may be reported. Candy ravers do appear to have some linguistic capability (described below in “Behavior”), but must resort to shouting in each-others’ ears to communicate. Near the speakers at the front of the venue, the sound volume may exceed 110 Db.

Complex illumination and striking tribal decorations may be observed inside a rave. In addition to widespread illumination in the UVA range of the spectrum, ambient visible illumination is kept to a minimum, although moving spotlights with colorful projections and strong lasers are commonly used.

Depending on the location of the venue, a rave may be exceedingly hot or exceedingly cold. In a closed environment, the collective body heat of many hundreds or even thousands of active ravers can raise the temperature to greater than 35°C. Alternatively, in an open environment the nocturnal environment may reduce ambient temperatures to close to freezing (we once observed a rave in a warehouse in Detroit during November, 2001 and recorded the ambient temperature at 6°C).

It is not clear where ravers reside during the day. Observations of ravers sneaking into human homes through bedroom windows have been reported and it is possible that candy ravers have adapted to modern human society by infesting human dwellings. However, careful investigation of this aspect of the candy raver nesting behavior will be instructive in elucidating their habitats. Candy ravers have never been observed to sleep at a rave.

Behavior:

The behavior of the candy raver is very interesting. Candy ravers appear to be marginally intelligent and even possess a simple language. We will elaborate on some of the candy raver words for certain phenomena when such information is available. Interestingly, although candy ravers often use apparently English words, these words carry very different meanings than they do in English. Investigators working with candy ravers would do well to learn these important false cognates so as to avoid confusion.

Some candy ravers can manipulate very sophisticated electronic equipment, but only of limited range of function. Specifically, some candy ravers (and apparently only a small subset of the species) can manipulate the complex sound and light projection systems that characterize the environment inside a rave. It appears that these sound and light projection systems are identical to those used by humans at concerts and performances, but candy ravers appear to assemble these devices in unique patterns to produce their spectacular sound and light displays. It is apparent that these skills are displayed by different priestly classes of prominent individuals within candy raver society, much as how primitive human societies of old had shamans and other such important individuals.

The most widely-respected and high-status individual in raver society is the “dee-jay”, who follows years of careful instruction and apprenticeship by older “dee-jay”s to learn to produce and perform the loud, rhythmic noises (which candy ravers ironically call “music”) which are found in raves. “Dee-jay”s often have names which seem to borrow human technical terminology, although in some cases the result of the juxtaposition can be amusing (one such individual is named DJ Cellulitis, for example).

The candy raver “promoter” is an organizer of raves. While “promoters” do not gain wide acclaim and recognition from candy ravers, they appear to use their positions to accumulate large amounts of wealth and power within candy raver society. “Promoters” may possess rudimentary technical skills, but they often employ a third priestly class of candy raver called a “tek”.

“Teks” are the most technically capable of candy raver and most likely require a relatively high intelligence for a candy raver in order to perform their functions. “Teks” work in large numbers for relatively small rewards. Their function is to arrange the elaborate light and sound systems that are found inside of raves. It is possible that “teks” may be a sort of monk-like caste of candy raver since they seem to possess very few personal resources despite their hard work and are rarely observed engaging in mating activities.

Other individual candy ravers sometimes are capable of using much smaller light devices that seem to incorporate advanced technology such as light-emitting diodes (LED’s) and organic electroluminescence (OEL) in their spectacular mating displays (discussed below in this section). Since it is certain that candy ravers lack the intelligence to build such devices on their own, the origin of these items remains a mystery.

Most candy ravers appear to possess simpler manual skills. One such skill is a unique form of beadwork (called “rave candy”, although it is not edible) in which multicolored, UV-reactive beads are strung onto elastic cords and are then worn at raves. Some candy ravers wear only 2-3 items of bead jewelry while others may wear massive numbers of bracelets, necklaces, and anklets that can cover vast expanses of entire limbs. The significance of the number of these items that are worn by an individual is not clear, although it may signify status within candy raver society. It has been reported that such beadwork is usually done by candy raver females and that these items are then given away to other females as tokens of friendship and to males as a mating offering.

Ravers do wear clothing, although it is not clear where such clothing is obtained. Some raver outfits may be hand-made, but other raver outfits are precise works that involve multiple materials and colors. The mystery of the origins of these garments will require more investigation to solve. In any event, almost all ravers wear very loose-fitting pant-like coverings on their legs. These may stretch to just below the knees or all the way to the ankles. These coverings are frequently characterized by multiple large pockets that allow candy ravers to carry various items unhindered. Male candy ravers wear various coverings on their upper bodies ranging from colorful tunics with incomprehensible designs on them to nothing at all. Female candy ravers usually wear tight-fitting tunics or even very scant halter-tops. Candy ravers may often decorate various bodily orifices with metal piercings, ranging from the familiar ear piercings observed in humans to bizarre and exotic piercings involving the helix of the external ear, the nose, the eyebrow, the tongue, the nipples, and even the genitalia,

One mystery of candy raver behavior is the fact that many candy ravers appear to possess devices that are apparently identical to a baby pacifier except that they are larger, so as to fit an adult mouth. These strange decorations are often worn around the neck on elaborately beaded strings and some candy ravers can be observed sucking and chewing on these pacifiers. The exact significance of this observation is not clear, nor is it clear why only some individuals participate in this behavior.

A very striking behavior of candy ravers involves their use of light displays. Certain candy ravers learn to hold “glo-stiks” in their hands and manipulate them in rapid patterns that seem to defy the limits of normal human anatomy. We believe that candy ravers may have special accessory joints in their arms and legs that allow them to participate in this behavior. Other candy ravers are observed to attach the “glo-stiks” to strings and spin them through the air in elaborate and complex patterns. Sometimes the “glo-stik” is replaced by an LED or OEL device. These displays are both beautiful and spectacular and other candy ravers often watch in rapt attention.

Two basic behaviors are observed at raves. The first is dancing. Almost all candy ravers dance. For most, this involves a simple jumping behavior with writhing body movements. Rarely do candy ravers intentionally touch each other during dancing and almost all such contact is accidental and followed by some sort of apology. However, occasionally, apparently accidental bodily contact may lead to mating.

In spite of this, some candy ravers are highly trained to perform magnificent feats of athletic ability and coordination. In such displays, these graceful individuals (called “break dancers” in the candy raver language) can throw their bodies through the air and spin themselves around on the ground in apparent defiance of the laws of physics. These feats of strength have led us to believe that these candy ravers may possess specialized muscle fibers and specialized bone histology to handle the stresses encountered during such displays. These graceful creatures merit closer study.

Interestingly, most of these candy raver performers are male, but occasional female specimens have been observed.

We have called the other behavior displayed by ravers in their natural habitat “puddling.” In this behavior, groups of candy ravers cuddle on the ground and engage in various behaviors including individual “light shows” with “glo-stiks,” back massages, mutual grooming, and mating behaviors. These so-called “puddles” may range in size from three to tens of individuals. Some puddles may involve a single social group while other puddles may accumulate candy ravers who have apparently never met before.

Reproduction and Life Cycle:

The mating behavior of candy ravers has been observed in some details. Candy ravers possess genitalia that are apparently identical to human genitalia. As mammals, female candy ravers possess mammary glands located superficial to the pectoralis major muscle, just as in humans.

Raver mating is a curious affair. In most human societies, the majority of mating behavior occurs almost exclusively between males and females. Raver society is more similar to that of the bonobo ape in that mating behavior is commonly observed between many individuals and that gender barriers are commonly crossed. It appears that heterosexual mating behaviors are the most common, while female-female mating behaviors are somewhat less common, but still frequently observed. Male-male mating behaviors are sometimes seen and are generally accepted in candy raver society, but they are the most rare.

It is believed that “puddling” and “light shows” may be steps involved in the mating process, which may explain why male candy ravers are more often seen engaging in light displays and “break-dancing.” Actual intercourse is very rarely seen at raves, although it has been observed occurring in darkened corners by some investigators.

Infants have never been observed at raves and a pregnant female has yet to be observed, however small children (2-3 years of age) have been observed, leading us to surmise that females are sequestered in raver nests during gestation and the perinatal period.

Candy ravers much older than 50 or 60 are very rarely observed, and most candy ravers appear to be less than 30 human years of age. While we cannot confirm that candy ravers age at the same rate as humans, we suspect that the average raver lifespan is 25-30 years with wide variation.

Diet:

The candy raver diet is one of the most mysterious aspects of their lifestyle. Ravers are rarely seen feeding. This leads us to surmise that their metabolism has evolved some spectacular adaptations to allow them to engage in their spectacular behaviors while only consuming ~300 kilocalories per night.

The main candy raver source of carbon and energy seems to be simple sugar (sucrose and fructose) in the form of candy, hence the common name for the species. Lollipops, sweet-tarts, and other hard candy appear to supply most caloric needs.

The secret to raver metabolism may lie in other substances that they consume. These substances, which include 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) and related amphetamines, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), psilocybin (from the poisonous mushroom Psilocybe cubensis), and 9-delta-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC from the plant Cannabis sativa) are consumed in mass quantities by candy ravers. While these substances are dangerous for humans to consume (MDMA in particular is quite toxic to the human central nervous system), candy ravers appear to be able to ingest surprisingly large amounts of these substances.

After ingesting 100-300 mg of MDMA, a candy raver may be able to dance for up to six hours without requiring food. However, candy ravers do require a supply of fresh water and have been observed to die rapidly if their supply is interrupted. We have not been able to obtain a sample of candy raver liver to perform biochemical investigations of their metabolism, nor have we been able to obtain a specimen of a candy raver kidney to ascertain why they are not better adapted to conserve water in their hot environments.

Some investigators had proposed that candy ravers were degenerate humans who had destroyed their central nervous systems by over-use of MDMA and other chemicals, but we believe that the other differences from humans described in this work make this theory less likely to be correct.

Conclusion:

The candy raver is a unique and fascinating species. It is found in a wide geographical distribution with particularly high concentrations in Western Europe, Australia, and the East and West Coasts of the United States. Other possible sub-species have been reported in South-Eastern Asia and India.

In the United States, recent declines in candy raver populations have been reported in various areas. We believe that this may be due to the U.S. government’s recent crack-down on the transport of dangerous chemicals such as MDMA in and out of this country. This action is likely fueled by the misguided belief that humans may be sneaking into raves and consuming these dangerous chemicals for recreational purposes. In reality, the vast majority of humans have better sense than to intentionally ingest poisonous chemicals and we hope that further research into this unique species may stop such damaging government policies. While candy ravers are still plentiful world-wide, we must take care to avoid depleting their natural habitat and food supply.

More studies of candy ravers will allow us to better understand these unique, peaceful, and beautiful creatures.

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

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