Forums > Social Chat > Anuvver Random Joke (Thread)

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Oh thats good! rofl!

you have to let it all go... Fear, doubt and disbelief... Free your mind!

Times like these people wanna get High...
Real High and Real Fast...
This is gonna do it!!

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
haahahahahahahahaha....love it...thats brilliant!

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
DOCTOR STORIES
Real ones apparently

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
- Dr.Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her telling the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
- Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

5. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

6. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

7. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
- Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

8. A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
good stories

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
There fuking brilliant! what do you do at work?!?!? you spend all day on HOP and looking for various funnies.....i want your job!!

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Apply for it, I'm ony here for another week and a half -

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
(*Stands by for torrent of abuse*)

> DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
>
> 40-ish........................... 49
> Adventurous................. Slept with all your mates
> Athletic......................... No t1ts
> Average looking............ Has a face like an ar*e
> Beautiful........................ Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile........... Does a lot of pills
> Educated....................... Was f#@ked to bits at Uni'
> Emotionally Secure........ On medication
> Feminist......................... Fat
> Free spirit...................... Junkie
> Friendship first............... Former $lut
> Fun............................... Annoying
> Gentle........................... Dull
> Good Listener............... Autistic
> New-Age...................... Body hair problems
> Old-fashioned................ No BJs or anal
> Open-minded................. Desperate
> Outgoing........................ Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate...................... Sloppy drunk
> Poet............................... Depressive
> Professional............... ... Bi*ch
> Romantic....................... Frigid
> Social............................ Crutch like a clowns pocket
> Voluptuous.................... Very Fat
> Large lady..................... Hugely Fat
> Wants Soulmate............. Stalker
> Widow........................... Murderer
>

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
hahahahahaaha...brilliant...sheer brilliance!!

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
To save myself.....

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one a woman. The rope was fraying, so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the
superior sex and must be saved.
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
Never underestimate the power of a woman.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Ok so it's just MY random joke thread at the moment so here's another
(This is a true story much to my disgust)

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When
the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like
an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Thats really freaky....my sister sent me those three jokes via email yesterday...

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
I wouldn't say freaky, it's not like I'm just thinking them up dum-ass - lol

PLEEEEEEEEEEEZE Somebody must have something worth putting up.......or even something that isn't.......

[ 24 September 2002, 22:11: Message edited by: SmallBoy ]

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Sorry Jez.......lol

> The spark had been lost in Jez's
> relationship, so he was trying to
> think of a way to rekindle it.
> One night he came from work, and found his
> girlfriend asleep in bed.
> He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh-
> I know." He proceeded
> to get under the covers and go down on his
> girlfriend. Soon she began to
> gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few
> minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
> Afterwards,
> Jez went straight to the bathroom to brush
> his teeth.
> When he got there, the light was on and he saw
> his girlfriend there shaving her legs.
> He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
> She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed,
> "You'll wake your mother!"

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Come on.......you've gotta have better jokes than these.......

Top Tips:-

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the
first place, you fat b*st*rds.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi**ed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and sh*g every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
That's it, no more till I get some back

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Ok...let me wet my whistle first tho:

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

A teenage boy is walking in the park one day when he suddenly spots somethingin the bushes...he goes over...and finds its a tennis ball....has a quick look around...cant see anyone..and so puts it in his pocket..he immeadatly hears a voice saying: "Oi...bastard..let me outta here." he ignores it and goes off to catch his bus. He walks upto the bus stop where a blonde is standing. She spots the 'boner' in his pocket and says to him : oooh..whats that?" he replies.."tennis ball"...she looks confused and suddenly says:
"ow...that must hurt...my boyfriend got tennis elbow last week and that looked very painful!"


A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.'' ''On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.'' The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.'' ''Well, all right,'' the doctor said. ''On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''



right...thats your lot.. next!

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Sorry...just one more...couldnt help it..:

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

Posted: 24th Sep 2002
Those are pretty funny!

I have one thats much shorter.

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

...the taste.

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
well, I think I've used this one here before, but:

a pirate walks into a bar

the bartender says to him "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but you have a steering wheel hanging out of your fly"

to which the pirate says "arrrgh. tis driving me nuts"



ahh, its still my favorite.

you can't have a war against terrorism because war IS terrorism.it's not about worshipping fire. its about making the fire want to worship you.

Posted: 25th Sep 2002

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 25th Sep 2002

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
OK this came round weeks ago but for those that haven't seen it:-

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a jo1nt.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing c0ke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this?

Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up...

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come, Run with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us!"

The lion answers, "That little f***! He makes me run around the forest like a muppet every time he's done an E.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
That was good.....(smallboy check your pm's please)

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
fanx honey - sorry lots.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
Made me laugh this morning (appologies in advance )

A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.

As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're minging."

P

Posted: 25th Sep 2002
Lol

Apologies for this one:-

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on
the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet f@rts.

Q: What's the definition of "trust"?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a bl0wjob

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high 5perm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the
fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the @sshole in
front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and c0ndoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the pen1s, I mean ladder.

Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of p1ss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their @rse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Q: What have women and c0ndoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your d1ck they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesb1an with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and
a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner,
since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pub1c hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesb1ans in a fish market.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 26th Sep 2002
Sorry guys I just had to let you all see it.

Subject: SMART KID
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells
her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut"
Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get
me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself."

A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.

Posted: 26th Sep 2002
Very nice too

Good joke by the way - lol

Small Lardy Person In Disguise

Posted: 26th Sep 2002
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said there had been invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they returned home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

Live well, love much, laugh often...

Official O.B.E.S.E. cheerleader

Posted: 2nd Oct 2002
Compliments of my older bruv

5 Secrets to a Great Relationship
========================

1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four women never meet.

Small Lardy Person In Disguise