Forums > Social Discussion > Overcoming Shyness
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Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Posted:
Are you shy? Have you ever helped someone who is shy? What makes you shy?
My girlfriend is so shy it stops her from getting on with her life. To be fair she's getting better and better, because she's trying scarier and scarier things.. but sometimes the feeling of shynbess will descend upon her and she won't be able to leave the house.
I've been shy in my life as well, and at one stage was so bad that I couldn't speak to my fellow housemates or look them in the eye for weeks. But I don't seem to be able to help her. When I try and work out how I got past that stage, I guess I can't really understand what was so different about how I acted. I just made the effort to go out with them, and to stay in with them too, and things just became a lot easier.
I encourage her to do the things she's afraid of, and to kind of overcome them, or if she doesn't then to talk through what she would do differently to do better next time... but all of her anxieties and fears have their roots inside her inability to communicate in unfamiliar situations, her lack of self-belief (despite anything I can tell her or reassure her over) and her feelings of inadequacy in any situation that she's not been in a hundred times before.
She's an amazing, talented, beautiful person who deserves better than this, and I wish she could see that.
Please give me any advice you have, I'll be most grateful. I'm determined to help her beat this shyness. I'm convinced it's not depression or anything like that, because most of the time she's fine, but now she's at uni her shyness is really crippling her, and making her life pretty miserable.
Are you shy? Have you ever helped someone who is shy? What makes you shy?
My girlfriend is so shy it stops her from getting on with her life. To be fair she's getting better and better, because she's trying scarier and scarier things.. but sometimes the feeling of shynbess will descend upon her and she won't be able to leave the house.
I've been shy in my life as well, and at one stage was so bad that I couldn't speak to my fellow housemates or look them in the eye for weeks. But I don't seem to be able to help her. When I try and work out how I got past that stage, I guess I can't really understand what was so different about how I acted. I just made the effort to go out with them, and to stay in with them too, and things just became a lot easier.
I encourage her to do the things she's afraid of, and to kind of overcome them, or if she doesn't then to talk through what she would do differently to do better next time... but all of her anxieties and fears have their roots inside her inability to communicate in unfamiliar situations, her lack of self-belief (despite anything I can tell her or reassure her over) and her feelings of inadequacy in any situation that she's not been in a hundred times before.
She's an amazing, talented, beautiful person who deserves better than this, and I wish she could see that.
Please give me any advice you have, I'll be most grateful. I'm determined to help her beat this shyness. I'm convinced it's not depression or anything like that, because most of the time she's fine, but now she's at uni her shyness is really crippling her, and making her life pretty miserable.
What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
I used to be/ still am very shy.. but I pretend there is a huge great big stick behind me, it hurts if I don't do anything.. ie stop because I'm shy becuase I get annoyed with my self that I'm not doing what everyone else is doing.. ie having a laugh in life.. so I say to my self that it hurts me more to do nothing than if I 'walk with the flow'
so this weekend I'm going to make a prat out of my self in front of a few thousand people..
shyness is over-come-able.. it just takes practise and a threat of a sore poke in the back
I used to be/ still am very shy.. but I pretend there is a huge great big stick behind me, it hurts if I don't do anything.. ie stop because I'm shy becuase I get annoyed with my self that I'm not doing what everyone else is doing.. ie having a laugh in life.. so I say to my self that it hurts me more to do nothing than if I 'walk with the flow'
so this weekend I'm going to make a prat out of my self in front of a few thousand people..
shyness is over-come-able.. it just takes practise and a threat of a sore poke in the back
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
SILVER Member
old hand
845 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
old hand
845 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
To me it sounds like your girlfriend is suffering with social phobia (extreme form of shyness) - you say that its 'stopping her from getting on with her life' and 'crippling her' and 'making her life pretty miserable'.
You also say she's getting better and better by trying scarier things - is it actually helping or making her miserable? I can easily imagine a snowball effect happening - the less she goes out the harder it will be to do it. If trying scary things help then maybe she should continue to do that? If its not helping then maybe she should see a doctor who could refer her to some kind of therapist? I've suffered from anxiety in the past and its so scary and horrible. If thats what shes going through everytime she has to go out in groups or meet new people then maybe it would be something to think about especially if its affecting her life the way you say it is.
I really hope she manages to overcome it and enjoy the rest of her time at uni.
To me it sounds like your girlfriend is suffering with social phobia (extreme form of shyness) - you say that its 'stopping her from getting on with her life' and 'crippling her' and 'making her life pretty miserable'.
You also say she's getting better and better by trying scarier things - is it actually helping or making her miserable? I can easily imagine a snowball effect happening - the less she goes out the harder it will be to do it. If trying scary things help then maybe she should continue to do that? If its not helping then maybe she should see a doctor who could refer her to some kind of therapist? I've suffered from anxiety in the past and its so scary and horrible. If thats what shes going through everytime she has to go out in groups or meet new people then maybe it would be something to think about especially if its affecting her life the way you say it is.
I really hope she manages to overcome it and enjoy the rest of her time at uni.
Slicing the Loaf as we speak.
I need it..... Trust me!
BRONZE Member
Certainly confused
121 posts
Location: Chelmsford, Essex, United Kingdom
Certainly confused
121 posts
Location: Chelmsford, Essex, United Kingdom
Posted:
Sorry to hear your girlfrien dis so affcted by shyness
I too am an incredibly shy person, and also get crippled with 'the fear' when im in a situation im not 100% familiar with. Like your girlfriend, university was a nightmare for me!
To deal with it I think you have to view shyness like mental hurdles that need to be jumped, or permanently flattened.
I think my problems lie in the fact that I was a pretty bright lil boy and my peers often regarded me with peculiarity - that then started a nasty ball of self doubt and questioning rolling, and because its been rolling for so long, its pretty hard to stop.
I always worry what people think of me (less so on the interent, the whole alternate identity coupled with faceless communication ) I know lots of people do, but whereas some people are blessed with the ability to limit the impact of such a worry , liberating many inhibitions on the way, I just dont, and it gets worse and worse until I feel sick through worry (im waiting for the violins to kick in and accompany...).
Compleetly unproductive and pointless.
Its great that she has someone that understands and wants to help - And all I can say is keep doing what your doing, but dont get too frustrated with her, as I would imagine its nothing to teh frustration and inner turmoil she is having to deal with. Its sounds like you are trying to take little steps at a time - which is the best way to avoid tto much fear induced by shock IMO, so all power to you nearly, or perhaps, even better, all power to your girlfriend
Sorry to hear your girlfrien dis so affcted by shyness
I too am an incredibly shy person, and also get crippled with 'the fear' when im in a situation im not 100% familiar with. Like your girlfriend, university was a nightmare for me!
To deal with it I think you have to view shyness like mental hurdles that need to be jumped, or permanently flattened.
I think my problems lie in the fact that I was a pretty bright lil boy and my peers often regarded me with peculiarity - that then started a nasty ball of self doubt and questioning rolling, and because its been rolling for so long, its pretty hard to stop.
I always worry what people think of me (less so on the interent, the whole alternate identity coupled with faceless communication
) I know lots of people do, but whereas some people are blessed with the ability to limit the impact of such a worry , liberating many inhibitions on the way, I just dont, and it gets worse and worse until I feel sick through worry (im waiting for the violins to kick in and accompany...).Compleetly unproductive and pointless.
Its great that she has someone that understands and wants to help - And all I can say is keep doing what your doing, but dont get too frustrated with her, as I would imagine its nothing to teh frustration and inner turmoil she is having to deal with. Its sounds like you are trying to take little steps at a time - which is the best way to avoid tto much fear induced by shock IMO, so all power to you nearly, or perhaps, even better, all power to your girlfriend
My Mummy Says Im Special
SILVER Member
Muddy fingernails
505 posts
Location: Way oop norf, Scotland (UK)
Muddy fingernails
505 posts
Location: Way oop norf, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
I wasn't shy as a kid, but became more and more so during secondary school. When I went to Uni, I didn't know anyone else there, so I had to go out and meet people. Was okay for a couple of years, but self doubt, paranoia and my huge sense of inadequacy dveloped into depression and agoraphobia by the time I was in fourth year. I found myself unable to go out of the house, go to lectures, go shopping etc.
The biggest help is to have someone there who understands - even a little bit - and doesn't make you feel like the way you feel is stupid or pathetic, like you are doing for your girlfriend. Ultimately the only person who can overcome shyness is the person suffering from it. I still have pretty bad days - especially when confronted by a group of people who all know each other and have their own in jokes etc. But it gets a little bit easier each time you face it.
In the short term, I had a security penguin who went everywhere with me in the pocket of my combats. Kind of a security blanket, but he also made quite a good icebreaker cos people often asked about him!
I wasn't shy as a kid, but became more and more so during secondary school. When I went to Uni, I didn't know anyone else there, so I had to go out and meet people. Was okay for a couple of years, but self doubt, paranoia and my huge sense of inadequacy dveloped into depression and agoraphobia by the time I was in fourth year. I found myself unable to go out of the house, go to lectures, go shopping etc.
The biggest help is to have someone there who understands - even a little bit - and doesn't make you feel like the way you feel is stupid or pathetic, like you are doing for your girlfriend. Ultimately the only person who can overcome shyness is the person suffering from it. I still have pretty bad days - especially when confronted by a group of people who all know each other and have their own in jokes etc. But it gets a little bit easier each time you face it.
In the short term, I had a security penguin who went everywhere with me in the pocket of my combats. Kind of a security blanket, but he also made quite a good icebreaker cos people often asked about him!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
KITTENS!!!!
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Posted:
huh... I thought I was shy, but I guess not.
huh... I thought I was shy, but I guess not.
-v-
Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Posted:
vanize, you are most definitely NOT shy!
vanize, you are most definitely NOT shy! BRONZE Member
Snoochie-boochie-noochies!
663 posts
Location: United Kingdom
Snoochie-boochie-noochies!
663 posts
Location: United Kingdom
Posted:
i used to be hugely shy. still am a bit but met loadsa really nice peeps (like the miss midian
) just takes time and friends.
i used to be hugely shy. still am a bit but met loadsa really nice peeps (like the miss midian
) just takes time and friends. SILVER Member
old hand
768 posts
Location: San Francisco, California, USA
old hand
768 posts
Location: San Francisco, California, USA
Posted:
I too have struggled with shyness for most of my life. I'm more or less over it now, but not without a lot of work, and the major breakthroughs I've made have come about in the past 6 months, so it's all still fresh in my mind.
I was in drama therapy for a year -- in case you don't know, drama therapy is a mode where theater games & techniques are used in a therapeutic setting to help the client get over whatever issues s/he is dealing with. There's a lot of play -- like playing make-believe when you're little--and a lot of improvisation. I hadn't gone into therapy to work on my shyness -- it wasn't as serious as it sounds like it is for your girlfriend -- but a side-effect of doing all that improv was that I learned how to be spontaneous and 'go with the flow' which translated into greater ease in my social interactions. Then I went to Burning Man with a new friend I didn't know very well and camped with a bunch of strangers. I was freaking out before I got there, but once I was there my choices were to either interact or be alone in a really harsh environment. The extremity of the situation forced me out of my shell -- plus it was BM, so all the baggage we pick up by existing in our 'normal' society is left at the gate (that's the idea anyway), and since no-one knows you, you can be whoever/whatever you want. Truly a liberating feeling.
The last thing that really helped me was learning poi. It's really built up my confidence, has helped me be present and really grounded in my body, introduced me to a whole new community and make new friends. I feel like with poi, I've "spun" a whole new reality for myself. It's beautiful.
I think the key to overcoming shyness is learning to be spontaneous, and to remember that no-one really judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.
And btw, Vanize: I don't think that anyone who'd wear that hair-skirt could really be considered 'shy.'
I too have struggled with shyness for most of my life. I'm more or less over it now, but not without a lot of work, and the major breakthroughs I've made have come about in the past 6 months, so it's all still fresh in my mind.
I was in drama therapy for a year -- in case you don't know, drama therapy is a mode where theater games & techniques are used in a therapeutic setting to help the client get over whatever issues s/he is dealing with. There's a lot of play -- like playing make-believe when you're little--and a lot of improvisation. I hadn't gone into therapy to work on my shyness -- it wasn't as serious as it sounds like it is for your girlfriend -- but a side-effect of doing all that improv was that I learned how to be spontaneous and 'go with the flow' which translated into greater ease in my social interactions. Then I went to Burning Man with a new friend I didn't know very well and camped with a bunch of strangers. I was freaking out before I got there, but once I was there my choices were to either interact or be alone in a really harsh environment. The extremity of the situation forced me out of my shell -- plus it was BM, so all the baggage we pick up by existing in our 'normal' society is left at the gate (that's the idea anyway), and since no-one knows you, you can be whoever/whatever you want. Truly a liberating feeling.
The last thing that really helped me was learning poi. It's really built up my confidence, has helped me be present and really grounded in my body, introduced me to a whole new community and make new friends. I feel like with poi, I've "spun" a whole new reality for myself. It's beautiful.
I think the key to overcoming shyness is learning to be spontaneous, and to remember that no-one really judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.
And btw, Vanize: I don't think that anyone who'd wear that hair-skirt could really be considered 'shy.'
taken out of context i must seem so strange
~ ani di franco
SILVER Member
Pasta of Muppets
2,722 posts
Location: in the interwebs..., United Kingdom
Pasta of Muppets
2,722 posts
Location: in the interwebs..., United Kingdom
Posted:
me too...
I have found that Drama therapy (sorta studying it in my spare time) allows you to put away the "you" and be someone else. RPG games help too, such as AD&D... I think somewhere they run seminars where you totally change the person you are by introducing yourself as someone else, and be that someone...
Homeopathic remedies are good too. I apple-solutely swear by Dr. Bach's Original Flower Remedy (Rescue Remedy). It works very well in increasing confidence..
And when she can learn to say "f*ck it" and do what she likes regardless of how anyone else feels, she's halfway there...
Above all else, she needs daily encouragement from those she loves.
Written by: Wonder Monkey
I think my problems lie in the fact that I was a pretty bright lil boy and my peers often regarded me with peculiarity - that then started a nasty ball of self doubt and questioning rolling, and because its been rolling for so long, its pretty hard to stop.
me too...I have found that Drama therapy (sorta studying it in my spare time) allows you to put away the "you" and be someone else. RPG games help too, such as AD&D... I think somewhere they run seminars where you totally change the person you are by introducing yourself as someone else, and be that someone...
Homeopathic remedies are good too. I apple-solutely swear by Dr. Bach's Original Flower Remedy (Rescue Remedy). It works very well in increasing confidence..
And when she can learn to say "f*ck it" and do what she likes regardless of how anyone else feels, she's halfway there...
Above all else, she needs daily encouragement from those she loves.
ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
A friend was telling me about this group that runs selfawareness courses of which the first is called "the forum".
Its helped her heaps to recognize her human habits and make choices rather than reactions.
Its not cheap but I will try find the groups name.
A friend was telling me about this group that runs selfawareness courses of which the first is called "the forum".
Its helped her heaps to recognize her human habits and make choices rather than reactions.
Its not cheap but I will try find the groups name.
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
2,084 posts
Location: melbourne, victoria, australia
Pooh-Bah
2,084 posts
Location: melbourne, victoria, australia
Posted:
i''ve been pretty shy all of my life. It's strange, because when i'm feeling comfortable, i'm quite confident and chatty, but if a bit of self doubt creeps in, i get quiet, and i start thinking that people around me think i'm being anti social/snobby or whatever, which makes me even more insecure, and it snowballs.
i'm currently in therapy and we've been talking about this quite a bit lately, which helps me see patterns of behaviour and look at why i do sometimes feel awkward socially. this could be helpful for your girlfriend (personally i think everyone can benefit from therapy) although it can be quite expensive, depending on the type of therapy, who she sees, etc. If her shyness is something that affects her life negatively, it's probably a good idea for her to look at it more closely.
i''ve been pretty shy all of my life. It's strange, because when i'm feeling comfortable, i'm quite confident and chatty, but if a bit of self doubt creeps in, i get quiet, and i start thinking that people around me think i'm being anti social/snobby or whatever, which makes me even more insecure, and it snowballs.
i'm currently in therapy and we've been talking about this quite a bit lately, which helps me see patterns of behaviour and look at why i do sometimes feel awkward socially. this could be helpful for your girlfriend (personally i think everyone can benefit from therapy) although it can be quite expensive, depending on the type of therapy, who she sees, etc. If her shyness is something that affects her life negatively, it's probably a good idea for her to look at it more closely.
BRONZE Member
Certainly confused
121 posts
Location: Chelmsford, Essex, United Kingdom
Certainly confused
121 posts
Location: Chelmsford, Essex, United Kingdom
Posted:
So this is why I get so involved in computer games! Hadnt really looked at it like that
Nice one with the remedy - my current slef medication can kinda exacerbate things
Written by: =Flashpoint=
I have found that Drama therapy (sorta studying it in my spare time) allows you to put away the "you" and be someone else. RPG games help too, such as AD&D... I think somewhere they run seminars where you totally change the person you are by introducing yourself as someone else, and be that someone...
Homeopathic remedies are good too. I apple-solutely swear by Dr. Bach's Original Flower Remedy (Rescue Remedy). It works very well in increasing confidence..
So this is why I get so involved in computer games!
Hadnt really looked at it like that Nice one with the remedy
- my current slef medication can kinda exacerbate things My Mummy Says Im Special
BRONZE Member
chemical attraction
1,097 posts
Location: Ilkeston, Derbyshire, England
chemical attraction
1,097 posts
Location: Ilkeston, Derbyshire, England
Posted:
im generallly a reallly shy person.i find it hard to approach people and i would never be able to give a presentation infront of just 5 people.i get stage fright really badly when it is me up there on my own.with singing though if im iin a group i am not shy in the slightest...
im generallly a reallly shy person.i find it hard to approach people and i would never be able to give a presentation infront of just 5 people.i get stage fright really badly when it is me up there on my own.with singing though if im iin a group i am not shy in the slightest...
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Posted:
Thanks for all the great advice. Sorry to hear that some of you are affected by shyness too, I can see how hard it must be.
Part of the problem is that she's so shy she won't talk to anyone but me about it. I firmly believe her own mum doesn't realise quite how shy she is, or anyone in her family, or even most of her firends. She can talk to me about it because she knows I won't judge her, or tell her she's being stupid and she should just "get on with it" because I can see that she's not just being self-obssessed - her life is made pretty bad by her shyness.
I'd really like her to go to some kind of therapy for her shyness but I know that she'd never do it, simply because it's a stranger. I've tried to discuss it with her, but the thought of it fills her with dread. Also, if she did eventually go to see a therapist, I doubt she'd be open enough with them to make any progress.
I agree that therapy is really helpful. At several times in my life I've been through courses of therapy and they did help me a fair bit at certain times. I also agree that you don't have to have something specifically wrong to go to therapy and get really positive results - in fact, quite the opposite sometimes. It's just that I can't make her see how helpful this would be to her.
Thanks for all the great advice. Sorry to hear that some of you are affected by shyness too, I can see how hard it must be.
Part of the problem is that she's so shy she won't talk to anyone but me about it. I firmly believe her own mum doesn't realise quite how shy she is, or anyone in her family, or even most of her firends. She can talk to me about it because she knows I won't judge her, or tell her she's being stupid and she should just "get on with it" because I can see that she's not just being self-obssessed - her life is made pretty bad by her shyness.
I'd really like her to go to some kind of therapy for her shyness but I know that she'd never do it, simply because it's a stranger. I've tried to discuss it with her, but the thought of it fills her with dread. Also, if she did eventually go to see a therapist, I doubt she'd be open enough with them to make any progress.
I agree that therapy is really helpful. At several times in my life I've been through courses of therapy and they did help me a fair bit at certain times. I also agree that you don't have to have something specifically wrong to go to therapy and get really positive results - in fact, quite the opposite sometimes. It's just that I can't make her see how helpful this would be to her.
What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Posted:
RE: WM: yeah, the most intellegent people are often the shyest - not just because of being peculiar for being smart, but because they also often have other associated issues like dyslexia or attention deficit "disorder" (I personally feel it is not a disorder though - more like a different way of reacting to things that under-challenged kids develop). Also because they develop interests in things that others do not care about so much. Of course there are two ways to react to being different from most others - get shy and withdrawn, or (like FP said) just say to heck with it and dive right into being your own person.
RE: flashpoint: I like this idea of Drama therapy and using RPGs. Have you ever noticed that it is not uncommon for the normally quietest people to play the most flamboyant, loud, and extroverted D&D characters? I actualy think RPGs (group ones, not computer games) are brilliant and help people develop lots of life skills - stimulates use of the imagination, problem solving, group interaction, brainstorming, comprimise, management, planning, social skills, historical and political knowledge, engineering, draftsmanship, improvisation, as well as encouraging artistic skills like drawing and painting.
So getting back on topic a bit - I used to be much shyer than I am now (which is what I meant by "thought I was shy" Spritie). Some things that really got me over that were:
1. getting involved in the Burningman community - it is hard to be shy around a bunch of great people who just won't let you be that way. Doesn't hurt that most of them are really shy geeks at heart to (at least orginally)
2. Graduate school: Having to stand up and present and defend your research in front of a lot of people who know the topic much better than you... well, when that happens, you just have to get over yourself. Giving a serious and coherant presentation on your work to hundreds of strangers at a conference and having many of them come to you directly afterwards for more in depth conversation really changes you after you've done it a few times. I used to get so worked up about it that I couldn't hardly sleep or eat the day before. Now it is just like, "yawn,... it is my turn yet?"
3. Fire Performing - duh! sort of the same as #2 actually. being the center of attention for 5 minutes and then having curious people talk to you afterwards about it is great therapy for shy people.
Written by: =Flashpoint=Written by: Wonder Monkey
I think my problems lie in the fact that I was a pretty bright lil boy and my peers often regarded me with peculiarity - that then started a nasty ball of self doubt and questioning rolling, and because its been rolling for so long, its pretty hard to stop.
I have found that Drama therapy (sorta studying it in my spare time) allows you to put away the "you" and be someone else. RPG games help too, such as AD&D... I think somewhere they run seminars where you totally change the person you are by introducing yourself as someone else, and be that someone...
RE: WM: yeah, the most intellegent people are often the shyest - not just because of being peculiar for being smart, but because they also often have other associated issues like dyslexia or attention deficit "disorder" (I personally feel it is not a disorder though - more like a different way of reacting to things that under-challenged kids develop). Also because they develop interests in things that others do not care about so much. Of course there are two ways to react to being different from most others - get shy and withdrawn, or (like FP said) just say to heck with it and dive right into being your own person.
RE: flashpoint: I like this idea of Drama therapy and using RPGs. Have you ever noticed that it is not uncommon for the normally quietest people to play the most flamboyant, loud, and extroverted D&D characters? I actualy think RPGs (group ones, not computer games) are brilliant and help people develop lots of life skills - stimulates use of the imagination, problem solving, group interaction, brainstorming, comprimise, management, planning, social skills, historical and political knowledge, engineering, draftsmanship, improvisation, as well as encouraging artistic skills like drawing and painting.
So getting back on topic a bit - I used to be much shyer than I am now (which is what I meant by "thought I was shy" Spritie). Some things that really got me over that were:
1. getting involved in the Burningman community - it is hard to be shy around a bunch of great people who just won't let you be that way. Doesn't hurt that most of them are really shy geeks at heart to (at least orginally)
2. Graduate school: Having to stand up and present and defend your research in front of a lot of people who know the topic much better than you... well, when that happens, you just have to get over yourself. Giving a serious and coherant presentation on your work to hundreds of strangers at a conference and having many of them come to you directly afterwards for more in depth conversation really changes you after you've done it a few times. I used to get so worked up about it that I couldn't hardly sleep or eat the day before. Now it is just like, "yawn,... it is my turn yet?"
3. Fire Performing - duh! sort of the same as #2 actually. being the center of attention for 5 minutes and then having curious people talk to you afterwards about it is great therapy for shy people.
-v-
Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
with respect to you and your girlfriend.. tell her to stop being so self absorbed in her own shyness and just get on with her life.. but maybe you are not the one to tell her this..
it's only ever the person you are that stops you being the person you want to be. She either wants to sort it out.. which will mean speaking to lots of strangers to get used to the idea of it all.. or not, she can sit in silence on her own with only you to talk to looking miserable.. with the rest of the universe wizzing past her.. having fun.
I'm trying not to be horrible, but sometimes people need a shock to get out of their shells - how old is your girlfriend by the way? I also doubt that her mother doens't recognise the situation.. mothers are very intuative.. mine is on the other side of the planet and can tell straight away when something is up.. I've been her daughter for 28 years.. I can hide nothing.. even when I think I am - she knows..
I learnt a very harsh lesson the other week, friends and partners only ever tell us what we want to hear - they love us and don't want to upset us, becuase they love us.. funny really as the l learnt the lesson from my sister..
I've stopped feeling so sorry for myself since..
with respect to you and your girlfriend.. tell her to stop being so self absorbed in her own shyness and just get on with her life.. but maybe you are not the one to tell her this..
it's only ever the person you are that stops you being the person you want to be. She either wants to sort it out.. which will mean speaking to lots of strangers to get used to the idea of it all.. or not, she can sit in silence on her own with only you to talk to looking miserable.. with the rest of the universe wizzing past her.. having fun.
I'm trying not to be horrible, but sometimes people need a shock to get out of their shells - how old is your girlfriend by the way? I also doubt that her mother doens't recognise the situation.. mothers are very intuative.. mine is on the other side of the planet and can tell straight away when something is up.. I've been her daughter for 28 years.. I can hide nothing.. even when I think I am - she knows..
I learnt a very harsh lesson the other week, friends and partners only ever tell us what we want to hear - they love us and don't want to upset us, becuase they love us.. funny really as the l learnt the lesson from my sister..
I've stopped feeling so sorry for myself since..
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Posted:
To be honest I don't feel she is being self-absorbed, particularly. This isn't an issue she raises herself. It's simply manifest through certain behaviour she has. I just want to help her fight it. I really don't think this is one of those things you can just "drop" because it's not something she's choosing to have in her life.
You wouldn't tell someone with depression to just stop being so miserable. They simply aren't capable of that. I feel that her shyness is a similar sort of thing - she simply can't choose not to. Her whole life has been shyness. Telling her just to not feel shy doesn't work. She needs help to understand what that life is, and just chucking her in a room of strangers isn't the right way of doing that - she's been in that situation before, and not handled it well.
I just really want to help her. She's a wonderful human being who has just as much right to happiness as anyone else, but her mind is stopping her from getting it. If she could just choose a simpler and less painful midset, she would. Believe me.
I guess it must be hard to understand if you've never had or seen close up that kind of phobic shyness. It's a truly horrible thing to see someone you love go through, though.
If her Mum knows she's living her life like this, then there's no excuse for her to go on like there's no problem without making any effort to help her daughter. She's not the sort of person to do that. My girlfriend's just got that good at hiding her problems from people, because she's been doing it for so long. So trying to persuade her to seek outside help is almost impossible.
That's why I'm trying to do seomthing, as I'm someone she trusts and the only person who she'll really talk to about all this. I just don't have any of the answers.
To be honest I don't feel she is being self-absorbed, particularly. This isn't an issue she raises herself. It's simply manifest through certain behaviour she has. I just want to help her fight it. I really don't think this is one of those things you can just "drop" because it's not something she's choosing to have in her life.
You wouldn't tell someone with depression to just stop being so miserable. They simply aren't capable of that. I feel that her shyness is a similar sort of thing - she simply can't choose not to. Her whole life has been shyness. Telling her just to not feel shy doesn't work. She needs help to understand what that life is, and just chucking her in a room of strangers isn't the right way of doing that - she's been in that situation before, and not handled it well.
I just really want to help her. She's a wonderful human being who has just as much right to happiness as anyone else, but her mind is stopping her from getting it. If she could just choose a simpler and less painful midset, she would. Believe me.
I guess it must be hard to understand if you've never had or seen close up that kind of phobic shyness. It's a truly horrible thing to see someone you love go through, though.
If her Mum knows she's living her life like this, then there's no excuse for her to go on like there's no problem without making any effort to help her daughter. She's not the sort of person to do that. My girlfriend's just got that good at hiding her problems from people, because she's been doing it for so long. So trying to persuade her to seek outside help is almost impossible.
That's why I'm trying to do seomthing, as I'm someone she trusts and the only person who she'll really talk to about all this. I just don't have any of the answers.
What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
Sorry NAG.. I should have explained that I used to suffer from crippling panic attacks that stopped me leaving my house for fear of having to interact with someone..
I too decided that I was entitled to a happy life.. so I *made* myself stop being silly (which was the way I saw it) it's taken about 4 years.. and I still suffer every now and then.. I like the post by Gnor about making choices not reacting.. it's very much like what I did...
You shouldn't have to suply the anwers IMHO.. it's your girlfreind - she has to come up with a change in her life for the better.. if she's unhappy with the shyness then only she can change her mindset.. yes it is hard.. but I believe that anything is possible with enough mind power..
I don't know if you are religious, I'm not so I feel a little funny repeating this.. but God only helps those who help themselves.. it works on a non-religious tip too..
I'd still like to know how old your girlfriend is? and do you both partake in social drug use? if so it might be an idea for her to knock it on the head for a bit..
EDITED_BY: Stix* (1107357420)
Sorry NAG.. I should have explained that I used to suffer from crippling panic attacks that stopped me leaving my house for fear of having to interact with someone..
I too decided that I was entitled to a happy life.. so I *made* myself stop being silly (which was the way I saw it
) it's taken about 4 years.. and I still suffer every now and then.. I like the post by Gnor about making choices not reacting.. it's very much like what I did...You shouldn't have to suply the anwers IMHO.. it's your girlfreind - she has to come up with a change in her life for the better.. if she's unhappy with the shyness then only she can change her mindset.. yes it is hard.. but I believe that anything is possible with enough mind power..
I don't know if you are religious, I'm not so I feel a little funny repeating this.. but God only helps those who help themselves.. it works on a non-religious tip too..
I'd still like to know how old your girlfriend is? and do you both partake in social drug use? if so it might be an idea for her to knock it on the head for a bit..
EDITED_BY: Stix* (1107357420)
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,533 posts
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,533 posts
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA
Posted:
my girlfriend is shy as well, but its not too cripling. the funny thing is, she asked *me* out instead of the other way around, over winter break. it was online, and i was about to go to bed (it being after midnight, donchaknow) and she tells me not go because she had a questoin for me. it took her an hour and a half to actually say it! but it was very cute and endearing
my girlfriend is shy as well, but its not too cripling. the funny thing is, she asked *me* out instead of the other way around, over winter break. it was online, and i was about to go to bed (it being after midnight, donchaknow) and she tells me not go because she had a questoin for me. it took her an hour and a half to actually say it!
but it was very cute and endearing -James
"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"
GOLD Member
Member
6 posts
Location: Christchurch, NZ, New Zealand
Member
6 posts
Location: Christchurch, NZ, New Zealand
Posted:
There is a big mental hurdle between wanting to change and taking action.
Talk to her about actions she feels she could take, support her to take them. Each little step will help. Build on the successes and occasionally look back to see how far she has come and celebrate.
Old Chinese Proverb: A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step.
Good luck to her (and you),
Kelhoon ( Who should practice what he preaches
)
There is a big mental hurdle between wanting to change and taking action.
Talk to her about actions she feels she could take, support her to take them. Each little step will help. Build on the successes and occasionally look back to see how far she has come and celebrate.
Old Chinese Proverb: A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step.
Good luck to her (and you),
Kelhoon ( Who should practice what he preaches
) SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,626 posts
Location: Southampton, United Kingdom
Posted:
She's 19, very nearly 20, and neither of us even smoke (and hardly drink)...
I'm not religious either but I guess what you said was what came onto the thread later... a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom and helpful advice people, sorry to hear about your own experiences of shyness. Big communal 
all around
Written by: Stix*
I don't know if you are religious, I'm not so I feel a little funny repeating this.. but God only helps those who help themselves.. it works on a non-religious tip too..
I'd still like to know how old your girlfriend is? and do you both partake in social drug use? if so it might be an idea for her to knock it on the head for a bit..
She's 19, very nearly 20, and neither of us even smoke (and hardly drink)...
I'm not religious either but I guess what you said was what came onto the thread later... a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom and helpful advice people, sorry to hear about your own experiences of shyness. Big communal
all around What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau
SILVER Member
old hand
845 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
old hand
845 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
You say that there's no way she would see a therapist but might she consider it if you were there for moral support to begin with?
Really hope things work out for you both
You say that there's no way she would see a therapist but might she consider it if you were there for moral support to begin with?
Really hope things work out for you both
Slicing the Loaf as we speak.
I need it..... Trust me!
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
fears that are deep seeded like your girlfriends sound like can be irrational and be such that in the persons mind doing whatever it is they are afraid of = death on a subconscious level.
if i was in your shoes i would ask her to trust you and go out in the world and tackle the fears head on (tell her to breath constinantly through it all you may have to remind her when you do it) the act of confronting the fear and breathing through it (very important for releasing deep emotional blockages [be sure to talk her through it though as it can feel like your dying, i had an experience where confronting my fear released all sorts of energies that felt like they where going to choke me to death and i literally thought i was going to die but by breathing through the fear it all subsided and i spent the rest of the night feeling like i was floating]) is the best way to go about bringing about change imho
therapy is great but u can spend years on the couch dancing around the issues without ever actually tackling them, living in teh real world is the best therapy i think anyone can get.
fears that are deep seeded like your girlfriends sound like can be irrational and be such that in the persons mind doing whatever it is they are afraid of = death on a subconscious level.
if i was in your shoes i would ask her to trust you and go out in the world and tackle the fears head on (tell her to breath constinantly through it all you may have to remind her when you do it) the act of confronting the fear and breathing through it (very important for releasing deep emotional blockages [be sure to talk her through it though as it can feel like your dying, i had an experience where confronting my fear released all sorts of energies that felt like they where going to choke me to death and i literally thought i was going to die but by breathing through the fear it all subsided and i spent the rest of the night feeling like i was floating]) is the best way to go about bringing about change imho
therapy is great but u can spend years on the couch dancing around the issues without ever actually tackling them, living in teh real world is the best therapy i think anyone can get.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
BRONZE Member
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
Posted:
I'd like to interject that it doesn't sound like shyness at all. It sounds like anxiety, which is a really differently colored horse.
Shyness is one thing, and it can be frightening for certain. I deal with shyness every single day in my work, and I help people overcome it in dance and performance classes. It is, in fact, a *huge* part of what I do (the artistic therapy as being discussed).
However, Social Anxiety prevents people from leaving the house, talking even to people that they know, and from functioning in a "normal" capacity. I have known several people to suffer from this, including my mother and one of the dancers in my troupe. They are most helped by drugs like Paxil, et al. While I am not a large proponent of drug taking for any reason, I have seen the tremendous differences these can make in people, without much side effects (of course after finding the right dosage, etc.).
What you are describing is not simple shyness and she should get proper help for it.
Pele
I'd like to interject that it doesn't sound like shyness at all. It sounds like anxiety, which is a really differently colored horse.
Shyness is one thing, and it can be frightening for certain. I deal with shyness every single day in my work, and I help people overcome it in dance and performance classes. It is, in fact, a *huge* part of what I do (the artistic therapy as being discussed).
However, Social Anxiety prevents people from leaving the house, talking even to people that they know, and from functioning in a "normal" capacity. I have known several people to suffer from this, including my mother and one of the dancers in my troupe. They are most helped by drugs like Paxil, et al. While I am not a large proponent of drug taking for any reason, I have seen the tremendous differences these can make in people, without much side effects (of course after finding the right dosage, etc.).
What you are describing is not simple shyness and she should get proper help for it.
Pele
Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Posted:
Havent read through all these threads but, i really can understand what she is going through. I have allway been shy.
I am the type of peson who needs constant reassurance, in order to feel good about myself, i alway put people above me, i am a worryer.
My first year a uni was fantastic, I took a massive leap in my self confidence. I got on really well with my house mates, met lots and lots of new people, and gained many special friends.
High school was an auful time for me, i had no social confidence and i would go for days hardly saying a word to anyone at school, even my friends.
I must say it was a life saver for me to live with people i have grown to love.
I have noticed that when my uni work is going well of i get a good mark my self confidence goes up through the roof. I get excited and feel happy. When i dont have anyone to congratulate me, or tell me i and great, loverly, or just nice i get really down. Also if i dont have anyone to tell back that they are great etc i get down too.
So stick with her tell her she is great. I am sorry to say that the only way is for her to help herself. Encorage her to do things that she will feel self satifaction, and self achievement.
Havent read through all these threads but, i really can understand what she is going through. I have allway been shy.
I am the type of peson who needs constant reassurance, in order to feel good about myself, i alway put people above me, i am a worryer.
My first year a uni was fantastic, I took a massive leap in my self confidence. I got on really well with my house mates, met lots and lots of new people, and gained many special friends.
High school was an auful time for me, i had no social confidence and i would go for days hardly saying a word to anyone at school, even my friends.
I must say it was a life saver for me to live with people i have grown to love.
I have noticed that when my uni work is going well of i get a good mark my self confidence goes up through the roof. I get excited and feel happy. When i dont have anyone to congratulate me, or tell me i and great, loverly, or just nice i get really down. Also if i dont have anyone to tell back that they are great etc i get down too.
So stick with her tell her she is great. I am sorry to say that the only way is for her to help herself. Encorage her to do things that she will feel self satifaction, and self achievement.
Never assume
Always Acknowledge
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Posted:
I'd love to do an illustration project on this. "Shyness awareness", you dony see many of those leaflets anywhere do you? no one ever seems toknow how to help neither do the sufferers really.
I'd love to do an illustration project on this. "Shyness awareness", you dony see many of those leaflets anywhere do you? no one ever seems toknow how to help neither do the sufferers really.
Never assume
Always Acknowledge
BRONZE Member
grumpy poorly froggy
3,999 posts
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom
grumpy poorly froggy
3,999 posts
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom
Posted:
yes i am very shy and am currently diagnosed with agraphobia and am on a tonne of medication. the thought of facing people gets me that scared i cry, and throw up.
the only friends i have are online too.
i wish her al the best and let her know she's not alone. wish i could help more.
oh yeah i'm doing something really brave.... i'm going falmouth and will never of met any one there
*Thinks of happy place....whcih just so happens to be spinning on the beach in cornwall under a full moon with other fire spinners
yes i am very shy and am currently diagnosed with agraphobia and am on a tonne of medication. the thought of facing people gets me that scared i cry, and throw up.
the only friends i have are online too.
i wish her al the best and let her know she's not alone. wish i could help more.
oh yeah i'm doing something really brave.... i'm going falmouth and will never of met any one there
*Thinks of happy place....whcih just so happens to be spinning on the beach in cornwall under a full moon with other fire spinners Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Posted:
This is quite helpful
This is quite helpful
Never assume
Always Acknowledge
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,750 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom
Posted:
goth hugs and bubbles and and all you other worryers 
goth hugs and bubbles
and and all you other worryers Never assume
Always Acknowledge
GOLD Member
Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
8,428 posts
Location: Wales
Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
8,428 posts
Location: Wales
Posted:
Froggy don't worry. Its all going to be great. I know me just typing this probably won't get rid of the panic, but remember you can get past the panic. You don't have to let the panic rule your life. Once you have faced it head on and won, the next time it won't be so frightening and the time after that even less so until in the end it won't frighten you at all. If the panic does come when you are at Falmouth you're not alone. Just say something and well go off somewhere quiet and do a bit of calm breathing and get ready to face it down again.
Froggy don't worry. Its all going to be great. I know me just typing this probably won't get rid of the panic, but remember you can get past the panic. You don't have to let the panic rule your life. Once you have faced it head on and won, the next time it won't be so frightening and the time after that even less so until in the end it won't frighten you at all. If the panic does come when you are at Falmouth you're not alone. Just say something and well go off somewhere quiet and do a bit of calm breathing and get ready to face it down again.
Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!
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