Forums > Social Chat > Being the strong one.
Login/Join to ParticipateBRONZE Member
member
78 posts
Location: Denver, Colorado, USA
member
78 posts
Location: Denver, Colorado, USA
Posted:
This might be a bit of an emo kind of post... but need to post in a place where not many of my friends go. To my friends that do see this... this is nothing against you. Just a rant.
I have had times where I really, really needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm always there to listen to friends, no matter what. I am the strong one. I am the one to dry their tears. I have no problem with that... but it gets to me.
At the anniversary of our friends death a couple weeks ago, we went to his grave. His little niece ran to his grave and said "I miss Uncle Tausti!" and I lost it. After comforting my friends all day... who comforted me? Taustins sister. It didnt seem right. I should of been comforting HER. At least my friends should of been the ones hugging me.
Im not really okay with my friends death. Im destroyed. pounce knew Taustin... she knew what an AMAZING person he was. I am not okay. I want to cry forever and never be happy because I almost wont let myself be happy. I miss him. And no matter what, he's not coming back.
I say all the time that "Its okay, ill see him again." I dont want to wait until I die.
I want him now. Death is so [censored] unfair. While [censored] bitches who murder other people sit on death row, my love, my good friend, my angel Taustin is killed at 19 [censored] years old. What the [censored] is the justice in that?
I see his pictures and I get ripped into pieces knowing that is the ONLY time I can see him. In my dreams I see him only to wake up with a stabbing reality he's dead. It was just a dream. I hear his voice to know it's just my mind.
He was only 19. What the [censored] was his purpose in dying? What the hell do I have to learn from him? I've had other friends die, and YEARS later I can say im okay. But none of them hurt as bad as Taustin. I am hurting and dont know what to do.
Where to go.
Who to talk to.
I hurt, and I want my friend. I would give up all of my possessions, my career, my school, everything besides my family... just to have him here. I dont know how to deal with the pain sometimes. I am lost, im [censored] LOST.
I hurt. And when I know that my Taust wouldnt want me to cry, I still do.
I miss his voice. I miss him. I loved that kid more than anything.
How the hell do you move on when it still hurts so bad? I remember a talk we once had... the way he looked... his eyes. I miss him.
And I don't know what to do any more.
This might be a bit of an emo kind of post... but need to post in a place where not many of my friends go. To my friends that do see this... this is nothing against you. Just a rant.
I have had times where I really, really needed a shoulder to cry on. I'm always there to listen to friends, no matter what. I am the strong one. I am the one to dry their tears. I have no problem with that... but it gets to me.
At the anniversary of our friends death a couple weeks ago, we went to his grave. His little niece ran to his grave and said "I miss Uncle Tausti!" and I lost it. After comforting my friends all day... who comforted me? Taustins sister. It didnt seem right. I should of been comforting HER. At least my friends should of been the ones hugging me.
Im not really okay with my friends death. Im destroyed. pounce knew Taustin... she knew what an AMAZING person he was. I am not okay. I want to cry forever and never be happy because I almost wont let myself be happy. I miss him. And no matter what, he's not coming back.
I say all the time that "Its okay, ill see him again." I dont want to wait until I die.
I want him now. Death is so [censored] unfair. While [censored] bitches who murder other people sit on death row, my love, my good friend, my angel Taustin is killed at 19 [censored] years old. What the [censored] is the justice in that?
I see his pictures and I get ripped into pieces knowing that is the ONLY time I can see him. In my dreams I see him only to wake up with a stabbing reality he's dead. It was just a dream. I hear his voice to know it's just my mind.
He was only 19. What the [censored] was his purpose in dying? What the hell do I have to learn from him? I've had other friends die, and YEARS later I can say im okay. But none of them hurt as bad as Taustin. I am hurting and dont know what to do.
Where to go.
Who to talk to.
I hurt, and I want my friend. I would give up all of my possessions, my career, my school, everything besides my family... just to have him here. I dont know how to deal with the pain sometimes. I am lost, im [censored] LOST.
I hurt. And when I know that my Taust wouldnt want me to cry, I still do.
I miss his voice. I miss him. I loved that kid more than anything.
How the hell do you move on when it still hurts so bad? I remember a talk we once had... the way he looked... his eyes. I miss him.
And I don't know what to do any more.
Mosh-mosh-mosh-mosh.
346 posts
Location: Midlands
346 posts
Location: Midlands
Posted:
I lost someone I considered a brother during the summer. He was the third person of 4 to die in a matter of a few weeks, It was, as I now call it, "The Summer of [censored[".
It's still taking me a long time to adjust to him not being around, but it gets better - I can now remember the stupid things we used to get up to (Making our own fireworks, blowing stuff up ... we were 25!) without falling into a depressive state.
I know he's up there, somewhere, in the Aether, laughing his fuzzy head off at all the daft things we've done. The bottles of whiskey and the spliffs left at the site of his crash and stuff like that.
I'm normally the stoic one too, I like to comfort everyone else, make them feel like I'm there for them. I'm inured to it now, I don't seek comfort in others.
It sounds cliche (And if there's anything to bring out cliches it's either births, marriages or deaths.) but it does get better and easier. You will be able to remember without breaking down and one day it'll be just the fond memories and thoughts you have. The pain and loss will still be there, but diminished.
The positive memories and all the good things about the person eventually drown out the questions, hurt and feeling of loss.
Stick in there, honour his memory, and it will get better.
I lost someone I considered a brother during the summer. He was the third person of 4 to die in a matter of a few weeks, It was, as I now call it, "The Summer of [censored[".
It's still taking me a long time to adjust to him not being around, but it gets better - I can now remember the stupid things we used to get up to (Making our own fireworks, blowing stuff up ... we were 25!) without falling into a depressive state.
I know he's up there, somewhere, in the Aether, laughing his fuzzy head off at all the daft things we've done. The bottles of whiskey and the spliffs left at the site of his crash and stuff like that.
I'm normally the stoic one too, I like to comfort everyone else, make them feel like I'm there for them. I'm inured to it now, I don't seek comfort in others.
It sounds cliche (And if there's anything to bring out cliches it's either births, marriages or deaths.) but it does get better and easier. You will be able to remember without breaking down and one day it'll be just the fond memories and thoughts you have. The pain and loss will still be there, but diminished.
The positive memories and all the good things about the person eventually drown out the questions, hurt and feeling of loss.
Stick in there, honour his memory, and it will get better.
Xbox360 Live ID - Sacred Apollyon
"Enemies you threaten make armies. Enemies you destroy make graves."
"Here is a test to see if your mission on earth is finished: If your alive it isn't."
SILVER Member
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
Posted:
I've had the misfortune of dealing with multiple deaths on multiple occasions. Mine were mostly family. My uncle commited suicide, I had to be strong for my mom. It was a bigger loss for her really. Three months later my aunty and two cousins are killed, my last remaining cousin celebrates his 5th birthday in intensive care after having just lost his mother and brother. Three years later that same little boy is killed with his father. One whole sidew of my family was wiped out in a matter of a few years. We were a close family. After all the deaths I was the youngest, and the one left holding the rest of my family up. The deaths were pointless and I was angry. My cousins were aged 5, 8 and 14, my aunt was 36 and my uncles were 30 and 40.
Around my family I was strong, at the funerals I was strong, behind closed doors it was a completely differnt story.
I think they've all come to terms with it now, I still have problems dealing with it sometimes, but time has made it easier. It's taken a very long time though. I often wonder why I had to take that role. I was the youngest in my family by at least 10 years,I was a teenager. Surely that was not my role to take? But I took it, and looking back now, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I did my bit to keep my family going, things could have gone a whole lot worse. Yes, I could have used a little encouragement, I could have used a little support, but I got through it, and I brought the rest of my family with me. It wasn't easy and I did resent it at the time, but me being able to help them, helped me too. I'm not saying that if someone else goes I'd be able to take on that role again, I somehow don't think I have enough of it in me to do it all again, it's weird how sometimes it's the person you least expect that will bring you through, and the strangest action that will bring solace.
Don't be harsh on your friends for not being there for you, they probably don't know how to be, and thats not their fault. People deal with things differntly. Helping you probably helped your friend's sister at the same time.
Take care dude, don't feel that because you have been strong for others that you are not allowed to let go sometimes too. Everyone needs a release. Death is often stupid and senseless and you are 100% correct to feel as angry and as upset as you do.
I wish you well and I hope you find your peace soon.
I've had the misfortune of dealing with multiple deaths on multiple occasions. Mine were mostly family. My uncle commited suicide, I had to be strong for my mom. It was a bigger loss for her really. Three months later my aunty and two cousins are killed, my last remaining cousin celebrates his 5th birthday in intensive care after having just lost his mother and brother. Three years later that same little boy is killed with his father. One whole sidew of my family was wiped out in a matter of a few years. We were a close family. After all the deaths I was the youngest, and the one left holding the rest of my family up. The deaths were pointless and I was angry. My cousins were aged 5, 8 and 14, my aunt was 36 and my uncles were 30 and 40.
Around my family I was strong, at the funerals I was strong, behind closed doors it was a completely differnt story.
I think they've all come to terms with it now, I still have problems dealing with it sometimes, but time has made it easier. It's taken a very long time though. I often wonder why I had to take that role. I was the youngest in my family by at least 10 years,I was a teenager. Surely that was not my role to take? But I took it, and looking back now, I wouldn't have had it any other way. I did my bit to keep my family going, things could have gone a whole lot worse. Yes, I could have used a little encouragement, I could have used a little support, but I got through it, and I brought the rest of my family with me. It wasn't easy and I did resent it at the time, but me being able to help them, helped me too. I'm not saying that if someone else goes I'd be able to take on that role again, I somehow don't think I have enough of it in me to do it all again, it's weird how sometimes it's the person you least expect that will bring you through, and the strangest action that will bring solace.
Don't be harsh on your friends for not being there for you, they probably don't know how to be, and thats not their fault. People deal with things differntly. Helping you probably helped your friend's sister at the same time.
Take care dude, don't feel that because you have been strong for others that you are not allowed to let go sometimes too. Everyone needs a release. Death is often stupid and senseless and you are 100% correct to feel as angry and as upset as you do.
I wish you well and I hope you find your peace soon.
"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
I doubt that I can say anything that can make you feel better.. but I will say that it's ok to feel like you are feeling, it's ok to cry and it's ok to want someone to comfort you - after all nobody should ever have to be the strong one all the time..
big hugs to you hun
I doubt that I can say anything that can make you feel better.. but I will say that it's ok to feel like you are feeling, it's ok to cry and it's ok to want someone to comfort you - after all nobody should ever have to be the strong one all the time..
big hugs to you hun
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
PLATINUM Member
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posted:
Today marks the 4th year of my brother's passing. I'm fortunate enough to have a close-knit support network to help me through this day, but some things never truly heal.
Know that I empathise and I'm thinking of you during this troubling time in your life
Today marks the 4th year of my brother's passing. I'm fortunate enough to have a close-knit support network to help me through this day, but some things never truly heal.
Know that I empathise and I'm thinking of you during this troubling time in your life
ॐ
Owner of burningoftheclavey 
Owned by Lost83spy
BRONZE Member
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada
Posted:
Wow, your post really touched me. I have experienced a lot of deaths, very similar to what Bluvalley is describing.
Some days, it still gets me, and like you, I think, this is just not right, it will never be right, nothing will ever be okay again. It can bring me to my knees, howling for the loss of those I loved, begging for another chance to live together. Some days, I work at breathing through it, others I just pray for unconsciousness, wish I would go numb. Sometimes I am not sure the difference between adjusting, accepting, healing-- and just going numb. It is disorienting, grief.
I wait for it to get better. And it does, then sneaks up and ambushes me when I least expect it. I did manage to be "strong" on the surface for quite a while, supporting those who I felt needed it more than I did. But eventually it was just impossible, and I gave up. Thankfully someone did step in to support me when it got to that stage.
Grief is a really intense , pivotal life changing sort of experience. Dont dismiss it, or judge yourself for feeling it. Find a place/time where you can fully experience it, with support. There are counselling groups, in person, on line,whatever. Journal, do art, scream, exercise, work it out... Psycologists and crisis line volunteers can listen when friends are unable to bear the weight of your experience and you still need to share.
Bluvalley said it well, forgive your friends if they were not there for you. Death and grief are terrifying and incomprehensible for some people, and they just dont know what to do to help, even if they want to. Others may be so used to seeing you as the strong one that it may be even more disturbing for them to recognize that you need support! So find support elsewhere, if needed. It is okay to ask for what you need...
Keep talking about it, express your emotions. What you have described is all very normal sensations for grief, and somehow people do seem to find their way through, at various rates. It may take time, that's for sure. I felt like I had to learn a new way to live, all over again. In a way, it can be an opportunity for growth like no other, burning away all the crap ad letting you see what is important.
Good luck finding what you need. You are not alone, and it will get better. Remember to breathe...
Wow, your post really touched me. I have experienced a lot of deaths, very similar to what Bluvalley is describing.
Some days, it still gets me, and like you, I think, this is just not right, it will never be right, nothing will ever be okay again. It can bring me to my knees, howling for the loss of those I loved, begging for another chance to live together. Some days, I work at breathing through it, others I just pray for unconsciousness, wish I would go numb. Sometimes I am not sure the difference between adjusting, accepting, healing-- and just going numb. It is disorienting, grief.
I wait for it to get better. And it does, then sneaks up and ambushes me when I least expect it. I did manage to be "strong" on the surface for quite a while, supporting those who I felt needed it more than I did. But eventually it was just impossible, and I gave up. Thankfully someone did step in to support me when it got to that stage.
Grief is a really intense , pivotal life changing sort of experience. Dont dismiss it, or judge yourself for feeling it. Find a place/time where you can fully experience it, with support. There are counselling groups, in person, on line,whatever. Journal, do art, scream, exercise, work it out... Psycologists and crisis line volunteers can listen when friends are unable to bear the weight of your experience and you still need to share.
Bluvalley said it well, forgive your friends if they were not there for you. Death and grief are terrifying and incomprehensible for some people, and they just dont know what to do to help, even if they want to. Others may be so used to seeing you as the strong one that it may be even more disturbing for them to recognize that you need support! So find support elsewhere, if needed. It is okay to ask for what you need...
Keep talking about it, express your emotions. What you have described is all very normal sensations for grief, and somehow people do seem to find their way through, at various rates. It may take time, that's for sure. I felt like I had to learn a new way to live, all over again. In a way, it can be an opportunity for growth like no other, burning away all the crap ad letting you see what is important.
Good luck finding what you need. You are not alone, and it will get better. Remember to breathe...
"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
Who is telling about "justice" in relation to "death"?
I hope you find someone soon, who dearly gives you a RL (unfortunately I can't put this in BOLD) - this community can only show support, but not demonstrate it.
Do you talk about these feelings to your friends and family, or do you keep them inside, so people can relate to you as "the strong one"? Sometimes others are too busy with themselves to look beyond other ppls forehead - or to even effort such an attempt.
When you say "it feels wrong" that his sis comforts you and that you "should be the one" and you expect your friends to do what she did... actually it's about giving and accepting - not so much about reasoning.
Maybe that is what is behind his death? I really have no idea, why people have to die (so early)... but I do know one thing: "Certainly the universe is unfolding as it should."
I'm stating that in the aftermath of a (very lucky) motorcycle accident, not in the position of one who has lost many friends - so feel free to ignore me...
Written by: M33k0
At the anniversary of our friends death a couple weeks ago, we went to his grave. His little niece ran to his grave and said "I miss Uncle Tausti!" and I lost it. After comforting my friends all day... who comforted me? Taustins sister. It didnt seem right. I should of been comforting HER. At least my friends should of been the ones hugging me.
Im not really okay with my friends death. Im destroyed. pounce knew Taustin... she knew what an AMAZING person he was. I am not okay. I want to cry forever and never be happy because I almost wont let myself be happy. I miss him. And no matter what, he's not coming back.
I say all the time that "Its okay, ill see him again." I dont want to wait until I die.
I want him now. Death is sounfair. While
Who is telling about "justice" in relation to "death"?
I hope you find someone soon, who dearly gives you a RL
(unfortunately I can't put this in BOLD) - this community can only show support, but not demonstrate it.Do you talk about these feelings to your friends and family, or do you keep them inside, so people can relate to you as "the strong one"? Sometimes others are too busy with themselves to look beyond other ppls forehead - or to even effort such an attempt.
When you say "it feels wrong" that his sis comforts you and that you "should be the one" and you expect your friends to do what she did... actually it's about giving and accepting - not so much about reasoning.
Maybe that is what is behind his death? I really have no idea, why people have to die (so early)... but I do know one thing: "Certainly the universe is unfolding as it should."
I'm stating that in the aftermath of a (very lucky) motorcycle accident, not in the position of one who has lost many friends - so feel free to ignore me...
the best smiles are the ones you lead to 
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