Forums > Social Chat > Ok, now I need advice.
Login/Join to ParticipateGOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Ok, boyfriend rant... And I don't even care if he reads it (although I don't think he's been reading the board much lately).
Ok, so last Sunday, P and I had a date to go and get out HIV test results back and then we were going to watch the weekly screening of "Queer as Folk" at the gay bar (which is right next to the HIV testing place).
So on Sunday afternoon, I called him (his cell) and was told "I can't talk right now because I'm in Toronto and it's really expensive. I'll call you back."
So at 9PM (5 hours later), I went to get my results back and afterwards, I called him expecting him to tell me the same thing, to which my response was going to be: "You found a way to get yourself to Toronto without warning, so you can afford to talk to me for a couple of minutes and explain what the
you're doing in Toronto!" INSTEAD, he told me that he had been in Canada en route to Boston (which is where he's from...it's faster to go through Canada then around it from Michigan).
He told me that because he had nothing to do all week, he had left on the spur of the moment that morning. I said "why didn't you call me and tell me about it?" He said, "Well, it was spur of the moment." But he had to take at least an hour to get up and shower and get dressed and stuff and then to pack the car...and then he has another hour on US soil (when he could have called me) before he hits the border. And then why hadn't he called me back the instant he hit US soil again??? Anyways, I was so taken aback and angry at being stood up for something like this that I just reminded him that I have my fire-eating gig on Friday (tomorrow) and that he had promised to be my assistant.
So I called my best friend and told him about it and said "and you know what? If he calls me and says that he's not coming back for the show, I think I'm breaking up with him."
Now, to add to this, his car is in sore need of repair. So as soon as he got to Boston he took it to the garage. I got a voicemail last night saying "And I have news that is going to make you upset." The news is that his car won't be ready until Saturday.
Now this is TWICE he's pulled something like this on me with switching travel plans on top of important days to me (last time was my birthday). I also have a swim meet coming up soon and, it's a gay meet so there will be a circuit-like party afterwards. I want him to be there. But I'm afraid that something will come up with his new job and he won't be there, either.
I'm angry not because he's missing the gig, but because he was so inconsiderate and short-sighted as to take off to Boston in a broken car without telling me and without thinking that, "gee, I might not be able to keep my promise to Mike!" But I can't very well fault him that his car is taking so long to fix. But I'm angry because I feel like I can't trust him.
Or can I?
This is making me angry and I hate being angry. I'm supposed to be having fun this summer and now he's completely ruined two important days that were supposed to be fun for me (and screwed me over in a professional commitment because now I need to scramble for another assistant).
When he gets back, I figure here are my options (this is how I think when I get upset...I try to make lists so that I don't just rage and get nowhere):
1) Forgive him.
2) Explain to him why I'm so angry and tell him that I expect him to come to the meet with me next week and it will be his opportunity to regain my trust.
3) Break up with him on the spot.
Option (1) has the advantage of not ending the relationship, but it lets him walk all over me, and frankly, this is twice in less than a month that he's pulled something like this.
Option (2) has the advantage of not ending the relationship, but then I have to sit there and wonder about the outcome.
Option (3) has the advantage of being decisive and final, but...ouch.
Any other ideas? What would you do?
Ok, boyfriend rant... And I don't even care if he reads it (although I don't think he's been reading the board much lately).
Ok, so last Sunday, P and I had a date to go and get out HIV test results back and then we were going to watch the weekly screening of "Queer as Folk" at the gay bar (which is right next to the HIV testing place).
So on Sunday afternoon, I called him (his cell) and was told "I can't talk right now because I'm in Toronto and it's really expensive. I'll call you back."
So at 9PM (5 hours later), I went to get my results back and afterwards, I called him expecting him to tell me the same thing, to which my response was going to be: "You found a way to get yourself to Toronto without warning, so you can afford to talk to me for a couple of minutes and explain what the
you're doing in Toronto!" INSTEAD, he told me that he had been in Canada en route to Boston (which is where he's from...it's faster to go through Canada then around it from Michigan).He told me that because he had nothing to do all week, he had left on the spur of the moment that morning. I said "why didn't you call me and tell me about it?" He said, "Well, it was spur of the moment." But he had to take at least an hour to get up and shower and get dressed and stuff and then to pack the car...and then he has another hour on US soil (when he could have called me) before he hits the border. And then why hadn't he called me back the instant he hit US soil again??? Anyways, I was so taken aback and angry at being stood up for something like this that I just reminded him that I have my fire-eating gig on Friday (tomorrow) and that he had promised to be my assistant.
So I called my best friend and told him about it and said "and you know what? If he calls me and says that he's not coming back for the show, I think I'm breaking up with him."
Now, to add to this, his car is in sore need of repair. So as soon as he got to Boston he took it to the garage. I got a voicemail last night saying "And I have news that is going to make you upset." The news is that his car won't be ready until Saturday.
Now this is TWICE he's pulled something like this on me with switching travel plans on top of important days to me (last time was my birthday). I also have a swim meet coming up soon and, it's a gay meet so there will be a circuit-like party afterwards. I want him to be there. But I'm afraid that something will come up with his new job and he won't be there, either.
I'm angry not because he's missing the gig, but because he was so inconsiderate and short-sighted as to take off to Boston in a broken car without telling me and without thinking that, "gee, I might not be able to keep my promise to Mike!" But I can't very well fault him that his car is taking so long to fix. But I'm angry because I feel like I can't trust him.
Or can I?
This is making me angry and I hate being angry. I'm supposed to be having fun this summer and now he's completely ruined two important days that were supposed to be fun for me (and screwed me over in a professional commitment because now I need to scramble for another assistant).
When he gets back, I figure here are my options (this is how I think when I get upset...I try to make lists so that I don't just rage and get nowhere):
1) Forgive him.
2) Explain to him why I'm so angry and tell him that I expect him to come to the meet with me next week and it will be his opportunity to regain my trust.
3) Break up with him on the spot.
Option (1) has the advantage of not ending the relationship, but it lets him walk all over me, and frankly, this is twice in less than a month that he's pulled something like this.
Option (2) has the advantage of not ending the relationship, but then I have to sit there and wonder about the outcome.
Option (3) has the advantage of being decisive and final, but...ouch.
Any other ideas? What would you do?
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
GOLD Member
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
2,723 posts
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
2,723 posts
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
Posted:
I would explain to him why you're angry and see where it goes from there.
He made a mistake, and won't learn from it if you don't talk.
I'm a HUGE fan of communicating, even when it's an uncomfortable subject.
Talk it through. It may be more stressful and leave you wondering, and worried initially, but if you talk it through, you'll get an idea of where he's coming from as well.
Hang in there, man.
I would explain to him why you're angry and see where it goes from there.
He made a mistake, and won't learn from it if you don't talk.
I'm a HUGE fan of communicating, even when it's an uncomfortable subject.
Talk it through. It may be more stressful and leave you wondering, and worried initially, but if you talk it through, you'll get an idea of where he's coming from as well.
Hang in there, man.
Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
Take care darl and many hugs coming your way
Take care darl and many hugs coming your way
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
The reason we say "European"
912 posts
Location: Cheltenham
912 posts
Location: Cheltenham
Posted:
Yeah, listen to the advice you've already had. Odds are if he's the spontanious type he just can't comprehend how much that would upset you so it's time to explain.
Silence solves nothing it's time for frank and open conversation. Of course, it's a lot easier to say than to do... but you have to try.
Yeah, listen to the advice you've already had. Odds are if he's the spontanious type he just can't comprehend how much that would upset you so it's time to explain.
Silence solves nothing it's time for frank and open conversation. Of course, it's a lot easier to say than to do... but you have to try.
"We have done the impossible and that makes us mighty" - Mal Reynolds
"I can't tell the difference between an electron and a cat" - Brother of a friend
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
to what spitfire said. just talk to him first, see what his response is, give him a chance to explain himself, and see how you feel from there.
to what spitfire said. just talk to him first, see what his response is, give him a chance to explain himself, and see how you feel from there. I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
He's already tried to explain himself.
"Well, I didn't know I was going to be in Boston!"
What? You didn't wake up, pack your things, get in your car, and take off on a 10-hour drive? You just suddenly appeared in Boston?
My feeling is that this relationship is too new to be making me miserable already.
He's already tried to explain himself.
"Well, I didn't know I was going to be in Boston!"
What? You didn't wake up, pack your things, get in your car, and take off on a 10-hour drive? You just suddenly appeared in Boston?
My feeling is that this relationship is too new to be making me miserable already.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
old hand
1,024 posts
Location: london
1,024 posts
Location: london
Posted:
explain your feelings and how he has hurt you, and think about what your saying before you say it sometimes people say stuff that you dont really want to, i hope it goes well.
take care
explain your feelings and how he has hurt you, and think about what your saying before you say it sometimes people say stuff that you dont really want to, i hope it goes well.
take care
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
well then tell him how you feel, and see how he responds. but you're right, it's probably too new of a relationship to start making you feel like this already.
well then tell him how you feel, and see how he responds. but you're right, it's probably too new of a relationship to start making you feel like this already.
I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
GOLD Member
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
2,723 posts
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
2,723 posts
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada
Posted:
Dito what pounce said.....it is very new to feel like this, but does he fully understand how it makes you feel?
I'm not asking in an accusitory way, more of a...how sure are you that he gets where you are coming from?
Dito what pounce said.....it is very new to feel like this, but does he fully understand how it makes you feel?
I'm not asking in an accusitory way, more of a...how sure are you that he gets where you are coming from?
Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Posted:
I'd tell him how what he did made you feel. I'd then also ask him how he would feel if you had just done something like that to him. I would not expect him to join you at the swim meet. That should be something that he wants to do, but not something he should feel obligated (read semi-forced) to do.
A relationship should be something the both of you look forward to. You want to spend time together, not feel like you have to. Right now, it seems like he is on a different wavelength about spending time with you than you are with him.
Let the decision be his as to whether he attends the swim meet. If he does, great. If he doesn't, then I'd still enjoy the after party and maybe even scope out a new guy (or at least find some eye candy).
Hang in there.
I'd tell him how what he did made you feel. I'd then also ask him how he would feel if you had just done something like that to him. I would not expect him to join you at the swim meet. That should be something that he wants to do, but not something he should feel obligated (read semi-forced) to do.
A relationship should be something the both of you look forward to. You want to spend time together, not feel like you have to. Right now, it seems like he is on a different wavelength about spending time with you than you are with him.
Let the decision be his as to whether he attends the swim meet. If he does, great. If he doesn't, then I'd still enjoy the after party and maybe even scope out a new guy (or at least find some eye candy).
Hang in there.
enthusiast
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Posted:
First, I'd say cool off for a while before making any decisions of any kind. Spin for a while or something.
Next: I'm unclear on whether his trip to Boston was work-related or just a lark of his own. Either way, he should have called you, of course, but it makes a difference: if it was just a lark, then I'd say maybe he freaked out about the HIV test. He's pretty young, right? Has he taken one before?
Also, you say the relationship is too new to be making you this miserable...but taking HIV tests together strikes me as a high level of intimacy. Personally, I'd move in together before doing HIV tests together -- and moving in together would be a HUGE thing for me. So maybe he just isn't ready for that level of intimacy.
Especially since I know why I'd want to do HIV tests with a lover. That can be scary too -- especially if he has trust issues, and is ashamed of not being able to trust you at that level, especially if rationally he knows you're perfectly trustworthy!
So if it wasn't work-related, his trip to Boston takes on the look of "panic flight." Not ready for that step, couldn't tell you, had to come up with something -- and like most men in that particular quandary, came up with something stupid. (If you discussed the testing for weeks beforehand and mutually decided to do it, that makes things worse, because he'll be even more ashamed of panicking.)
I have to say I don't like any of your options. 2 is probably the worst, because it puts him in the one-down position of being "expected" to do something. This will escalate the fight for sure. Most men automatically resist doing something that someone else (especially someone they're involved with) tries to make them do, even if it's something they'd have been inclined to do in the first place.
I would definitely have a conversation with him, but with no ultimata, commands, or "I expect you to"s. And if you talk about your feelings (good idea) don't say how he "made you feel." That puts the responsibility for your feelings on him, which will make him defensive and (again) escalate the hostilities. Instead, use the model of "when you did/said X, I felt Y." In that model you're just informing him how you reacted, not blaming or assigning responsibility.
Even if that's what you'd mean by "you made me feel X," the actual words make a huge difference; trust me on this.
If possible, begin the conversation with an apology of your own. Not a sarcastic one; find something you really did wrong in this situation, even if provoked past bearing, and apologize for it. If you can't think of anything; spin for an hour and try again. Fights between lovers almost always involve wrong on both sides, even if one side is just an unnecessarily harsh tone of voice.
"I'm sorry I grilled you over the phone." "I'm sorry I kind of yelled at you." "I'm sorry I lost my temper; when you did X, I felt Y" - combining those is good.
The reason for this is that he's probably feeling pretty defensive right now -- and the more in-the-wrong he already feels the worse that will be -- and giving him a little wrongness of your own will make it easier for him to let go of that. It saves hours IME.
Hard question: are you letting the age difference influence you into trying to control the whole relationship? (I even do that with NO age difference, so I watch for this.) OTOH, are you ignoring the fact that he IS much younger, and might be less ready for intense levels of intimacy and trust than you are? He might even be trying to be agreeable, and then realizing he's in way deeper than he was ready for...
But there's good news too: sometimes this sort of thing happens when guys feel TOO strongly about a relationship. When their feelings cross the comfort zone, and they really start to imagine spending a really LONG time with one person, sometimes they panic. It's not time to write them off, it's time to work harder. And "work harder" means "try harder to show love without control, and affection without smothering." Sometimes men are good at loving, but really bad at being loved. I know I have real problems with that.
I hope this doesn't come off as me pontificating; it's not like I've had huge success in that department. But the above comes from my failures; each one of those don'ts above is something that I DID, with disastrous results.
Whatever you decide to do, I'm pulling for you. Best outcome; bright blessings.
First, I'd say cool off for a while before making any decisions of any kind. Spin for a while or something.
Next: I'm unclear on whether his trip to Boston was work-related or just a lark of his own. Either way, he should have called you, of course, but it makes a difference: if it was just a lark, then I'd say maybe he freaked out about the HIV test. He's pretty young, right? Has he taken one before?
Also, you say the relationship is too new to be making you this miserable...but taking HIV tests together strikes me as a high level of intimacy. Personally, I'd move in together before doing HIV tests together -- and moving in together would be a HUGE thing for me. So maybe he just isn't ready for that level of intimacy.
Especially since I know why I'd want to do HIV tests with a lover. That can be scary too -- especially if he has trust issues, and is ashamed of not being able to trust you at that level, especially if rationally he knows you're perfectly trustworthy!
So if it wasn't work-related, his trip to Boston takes on the look of "panic flight." Not ready for that step, couldn't tell you, had to come up with something -- and like most men in that particular quandary, came up with something stupid. (If you discussed the testing for weeks beforehand and mutually decided to do it, that makes things worse, because he'll be even more ashamed of panicking.)
I have to say I don't like any of your options. 2 is probably the worst, because it puts him in the one-down position of being "expected" to do something. This will escalate the fight for sure. Most men automatically resist doing something that someone else (especially someone they're involved with) tries to make them do, even if it's something they'd have been inclined to do in the first place.
I would definitely have a conversation with him, but with no ultimata, commands, or "I expect you to"s. And if you talk about your feelings (good idea) don't say how he "made you feel." That puts the responsibility for your feelings on him, which will make him defensive and (again) escalate the hostilities. Instead, use the model of "when you did/said X, I felt Y." In that model you're just informing him how you reacted, not blaming or assigning responsibility.
Even if that's what you'd mean by "you made me feel X," the actual words make a huge difference; trust me on this.
If possible, begin the conversation with an apology of your own. Not a sarcastic one; find something you really did wrong in this situation, even if provoked past bearing, and apologize for it. If you can't think of anything; spin for an hour and try again. Fights between lovers almost always involve wrong on both sides, even if one side is just an unnecessarily harsh tone of voice.
"I'm sorry I grilled you over the phone." "I'm sorry I kind of yelled at you." "I'm sorry I lost my temper; when you did X, I felt Y" - combining those is good.
The reason for this is that he's probably feeling pretty defensive right now -- and the more in-the-wrong he already feels the worse that will be -- and giving him a little wrongness of your own will make it easier for him to let go of that. It saves hours IME.
Hard question: are you letting the age difference influence you into trying to control the whole relationship? (I even do that with NO age difference, so I watch for this.) OTOH, are you ignoring the fact that he IS much younger, and might be less ready for intense levels of intimacy and trust than you are? He might even be trying to be agreeable, and then realizing he's in way deeper than he was ready for...
But there's good news too: sometimes this sort of thing happens when guys feel TOO strongly about a relationship. When their feelings cross the comfort zone, and they really start to imagine spending a really LONG time with one person, sometimes they panic. It's not time to write them off, it's time to work harder. And "work harder" means "try harder to show love without control, and affection without smothering." Sometimes men are good at loving, but really bad at being loved. I know I have real problems with that.
I hope this doesn't come off as me pontificating; it's not like I've had huge success in that department. But the above comes from my failures; each one of those don'ts above is something that I DID, with disastrous results.
Whatever you decide to do, I'm pulling for you. Best outcome; bright blessings.
"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations
SILVER Member
....
344 posts
Location: Midlands - nr cov, United Kingdom
....
344 posts
Location: Midlands - nr cov, United Kingdom
Posted:
Ouch. I'd be doing pretty much the same thing in your shoes i think, but the advice above (esp Xopher's "when you X, i Y") is great.
I wouldn't try forcing him to the meet either. But I'd remind him that he had a professional committment with you, and you needed to know he was AWOL etc.
Good luck,
Lynne
Ouch. I'd be doing pretty much the same thing in your shoes i think, but the advice above (esp Xopher's "when you X, i Y") is great.
I wouldn't try forcing him to the meet either. But I'd remind him that he had a professional committment with you, and you needed to know he was AWOL etc.
Good luck,
Lynne
"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"
Dorothy Gale
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I explained to him that it's a matter of routine for me. I've treated HIV patients and I do not want it!. So that's just how it's done. I expect any new partner to go and get an HIV test...and I will, too. To me, it's not an expression of intimacy; it's my first test of trustworthiness. You will either get an HIV test at the start of the relationship (or will have recently had one) or...buh-bye.
But Xopher, I don't think it's as deep as you said. I think he's being dead-honest when he said it was spur-of-the moment. I swear the man has undiagnosed ADHD. He had totally forgotten about the HIV test and was genuinely surprised when I brought it up.
As far as the meet is concerned, I'm just in the very last fun summer of my life. After this it's three years of residency and then three of fellowship. I'll be 34 before I get to enjoy another relaxed summer with less than 80 hours a week of work. I'm not about to let his flightiness ruin it for me.
Yeah, I'm being selfish, but at this point, I feel like I've earned that right.
I've talked about this a bit more with him and it's become quite clear to me that there are no deep motivations to all this except he wasn't thinking. And that makes me trust him even less.
Written by:
Especially since I know why I'd want to do HIV tests with a lover. That can be scary too -- especially if he has trust issues, and is ashamed of not being able to trust you at that level, especially if rationally he knows you're perfectly trustworthy!
I explained to him that it's a matter of routine for me. I've treated HIV patients and I do not want it!. So that's just how it's done. I expect any new partner to go and get an HIV test...and I will, too. To me, it's not an expression of intimacy; it's my first test of trustworthiness. You will either get an HIV test at the start of the relationship (or will have recently had one) or...buh-bye.
But Xopher, I don't think it's as deep as you said. I think he's being dead-honest when he said it was spur-of-the moment. I swear the man has undiagnosed ADHD. He had totally forgotten about the HIV test and was genuinely surprised when I brought it up.
As far as the meet is concerned, I'm just in the very last fun summer of my life. After this it's three years of residency and then three of fellowship. I'll be 34 before I get to enjoy another relaxed summer with less than 80 hours a week of work. I'm not about to let his flightiness ruin it for me.
Yeah, I'm being selfish, but at this point, I feel like I've earned that right.
I've talked about this a bit more with him and it's become quite clear to me that there are no deep motivations to all this except he wasn't thinking. And that makes me trust him even less.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,009 posts
Location: Bristol, UK
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,009 posts
Location: Bristol, UK
Posted:
Xopher's giving some good advice.
I too can't help but think that age affects relationships in many ways, including communication, expectations and considerations. He might just not have had a mature relationship and so for him to act like an immature jerk is still 'OK' for him.
It could be worse, trust me
Xopher's giving some good advice.
I too can't help but think that age affects relationships in many ways, including communication, expectations and considerations. He might just not have had a mature relationship and so for him to act like an immature jerk is still 'OK' for him.
It could be worse, trust me
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
It could be worse, but if it were, I wouldn't be asking for advice.
Xopher's advice is good, I agree...and I'll use a lot of it. But this isn't about age because after my intial panic, both of us have refused to make age an issue.
But one thing's for sure: my next relationship (whether that's next week or next year) will be old enough to go to a bar with me.
It could be worse, but if it were, I wouldn't be asking for advice.
Xopher's advice is good, I agree...and I'll use a lot of it. But this isn't about age because after my intial panic, both of us have refused to make age an issue.
But one thing's for sure: my next relationship (whether that's next week or next year) will be old enough to go to a bar with me.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
OK... reallity check.
IF you were thinking of this guy as 'the one' then you've got serious issues... BUT, this relationship has a time frame anyway.
This isn't Mr. Right and you know it.
Breathe that in, breathe it out. And then think what YOU want to do.
Do you want to date some immature, uncommunicating guy and have a nice fling.... go for it. Swallow your pride and smile and have fun with your boytoy.
If not. Let him go.
Clearly he's being selfish and putting himself first. If you can do the same then you both win and get some snogging on the side.
If you're not down for that depressing a contract, then let him go.
Make your decision, make sure you believe it, then run with it.
OK... reallity check.
IF you were thinking of this guy as 'the one' then you've got serious issues... BUT, this relationship has a time frame anyway.
This isn't Mr. Right and you know it.
Breathe that in, breathe it out. And then think what YOU want to do.
Do you want to date some immature, uncommunicating guy and have a nice fling.... go for it. Swallow your pride and smile and have fun with your boytoy.
If not. Let him go.
Clearly he's being selfish and putting himself first. If you can do the same then you both win and get some snogging on the side.
If you're not down for that depressing a contract, then let him go.
Make your decision, make sure you believe it, then run with it.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Nothing depressing about an open relationship. Couples (and especially gay ones) do it all the time. Except I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to.
Written by:
Clearly he's being selfish and putting himself first. If you can do the same then you both win and get some snogging on the side.
If you're not down for that depressing a contract, then let him go.
Nothing depressing about an open relationship. Couples (and especially gay ones) do it all the time. Except I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
enthusiast
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Posted:
Any followup? (Understand if you don't wanna get into it -- just want to know if you're OK and stuff.)
Any followup? (Understand if you don't wanna get into it -- just want to know if you're OK and stuff.)
"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I ended it. Well, we're on a trial separation.
And the only thing I want right now...more than anything I can think of...is...
Patrick.
I ended it. Well, we're on a trial separation.
And the only thing I want right now...more than anything I can think of...is...
Patrick.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Llamas are larger than frogs.
319 posts
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
Llamas are larger than frogs.
319 posts
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA
Posted:
Good luck.
Good luck. "I know a good deal more than a boiled carrot."
"Fire!" "Where?" "Nowhere, I was just illustrating the misuse of free speech."
SILVER Member
sleeping with angels
508 posts
Location: anaheim CA usa
sleeping with angels
508 posts
Location: anaheim CA usa
Posted:
this is going to soud mean but if he dosnt care about the way you feal you shouldnt care about the way he fills LEAVE HIM
but it is up to you all i can say is that you are going to do what you are going to do and nothing we say can change that just try to make the right chioce
this is going to soud mean but if he dosnt care about the way you feal you shouldnt care about the way he fills LEAVE HIM
but it is up to you all i can say is that you are going to do what you are going to do and nothing we say can change that just try to make the right chioce
SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I still want him back. I figured that I could be like the character "Brian" from Queer as Folk. He's the playboy character who has a different hot guy in bed with him every night. I mean...lord knows I don't have a problem attracting guys.
I figured I'd be fine on my own. I could have fun, catch the needed shag on the side, and run off and do my own thing.
That's not me. And a good friend of mine called me on it:
Mare: Honey, you aren't constructed for meaningless sex and a playboy lifestyle.
Mike: [looking down at own body] Huh??? I need to do more sit-ups or something?
Mare: No, you dolt! Physically you're fine and you know it, so stop playing coy! But emotionally you just can't pull it off. You're just not that cold!
Mike: But...But...But...Mare! I'm not sure I'm built for monogamy, either! You know about me and my roaming eye. I go into a bar or club and I'm instantly scouting out the five or six guys I want to bed.
Mare: And you never do because you want to, but you can't bring yourself to pull it off. And, besides, I've seen you out with Patrick and you only ever have eyes for him. Yeah, the two of you check out cute guys, but you don't sit there undressing other guys with your eyes. Your eyes were always only for him.
Mike: [deep sigh] Mare? I miss him.
Mare: I know you do, sweetie. But he also hurt you, remember?
Mike: Doesn't change the fact that I miss him and want him back more than anything. Maybe I can just learn to accept that he's gonna flake on me from time to time because he's young and impulsive? Or maybe he even learned a lesson?
Mare: That part you're going to have to decide, honey.
Mike: [deep sigh] Mare? I miss him.
Yup, folks. I've got it bad.
I still want him back. I figured that I could be like the character "Brian" from Queer as Folk. He's the playboy character who has a different hot guy in bed with him every night. I mean...lord knows I don't have a problem attracting guys.
I figured I'd be fine on my own. I could have fun, catch the needed shag on the side, and run off and do my own thing.
That's not me. And a good friend of mine called me on it:
Mare: Honey, you aren't constructed for meaningless sex and a playboy lifestyle.
Mike: [looking down at own body] Huh??? I need to do more sit-ups or something?
Mare: No, you dolt! Physically you're fine and you know it, so stop playing coy! But emotionally you just can't pull it off. You're just not that cold!
Mike: But...But...But...Mare! I'm not sure I'm built for monogamy, either! You know about me and my roaming eye. I go into a bar or club and I'm instantly scouting out the five or six guys I want to bed.
Mare: And you never do because you want to, but you can't bring yourself to pull it off. And, besides, I've seen you out with Patrick and you only ever have eyes for him. Yeah, the two of you check out cute guys, but you don't sit there undressing other guys with your eyes. Your eyes were always only for him.
Mike: [deep sigh] Mare? I miss him.
Mare: I know you do, sweetie. But he also hurt you, remember?
Mike: Doesn't change the fact that I miss him and want him back more than anything. Maybe I can just learn to accept that he's gonna flake on me from time to time because he's young and impulsive? Or maybe he even learned a lesson?
Mare: That part you're going to have to decide, honey.
Mike: [deep sigh] Mare? I miss him.
Yup, folks. I've got it bad.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
enthusiast
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Posted:
Call him and tell him how you feel. See how he feels. See if it's worth getting together to talk things over (don't do it over the phone).
Or you could just tell him the "trial separation" resulted in an acquittal. Or the conviction that you really want to be with him. Or that you're declaring a mistrial separation. (These are if you want to lighten the mood, and soften the impact on yourself of admitting that you were wrong. Which you probably weren't, but you're older and more experienced. He probably won't come to you, even if he wants to, and "have you come to your senses?" is good for a ringoff, but not a conversation.)
Call him and tell him how you feel. See how he feels. See if it's worth getting together to talk things over (don't do it over the phone).
Or you could just tell him the "trial separation" resulted in an acquittal. Or the conviction that you really want to be with him. Or that you're declaring a mistrial separation. (These are if you want to lighten the mood, and soften the impact on yourself of admitting that you were wrong. Which you probably weren't, but you're older and more experienced. He probably won't come to you, even if he wants to, and "have you come to your senses?" is good for a ringoff, but not a conversation.)
"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations
NYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Posted:
Bah... Dumb him, get your residency (or whatever) transfered to New York, shack up with Xopher and chill with us on Sundays and Thursdays.
But that's just my vote.
Bah... Dumb him, get your residency (or whatever) transfered to New York, shack up with Xopher and chill with us on Sundays and Thursdays.
But that's just my vote.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
enthusiast
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Posted:
Wow, NYC, you ARE a true friend!!!!
(Even my mother hasn't tried to match me with a nice big butch firespinner who's gonna be a daktah! Which is about as good as it gets, really.)
Wow, NYC, you ARE a true friend!!!!
(Even my mother hasn't tried to match me with a nice big butch firespinner who's gonna be a daktah! Which is about as good as it gets, really.)
"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,638 posts
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land
3,638 posts
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land
Posted:
hey man - chin up. you'll work it out - you'll always bounce
hey man - chin up. you'll work it out - you'll always bounce
Geologists do it in the dirt................ 
BRONZE Member
lurker
194 posts
Location: Brooklyn, NY, USA
lurker
194 posts
Location: Brooklyn, NY, USA
Posted:
I'm 110% behind NYC on that one. I can vouch for Xopher.
I'm 110% behind NYC on that one. I can vouch for Xopher.
enthusiast
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
456 posts
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey, USA
Posted:
rbmnyc, why thank you!
(that was small, unmarked bills, right?)
rbmnyc, why thank you!
(that was small, unmarked bills, right?)
"If you didn't like something the first time, the cud won't be any good either." --Elsie the Cow, Ruminations
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
NYC, I thought you didn't want me to move to NYC because you were afraid I'd start moving in on your pimp turf.
P.S. The pain's not quite so bad today.
But I still miss him.
The good news is that I met a cute guy with a good sense of humor who goes to Burning Man on gay.com and if he's not a total flake, I might meet him tonight.
The bad news is that I miss P.
NYC, I thought you didn't want me to move to NYC because you were afraid I'd start moving in on your pimp turf.
P.S. The pain's not quite so bad today.
But I still miss him.
The good news is that I met a cute guy with a good sense of humor who goes to Burning Man on gay.com and if he's not a total flake, I might meet him tonight.
The bad news is that I miss P.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
feminine tiddly pom
505 posts
Location: cambs england
505 posts
Location: cambs england
Posted:
?
? in state of metamorphosis
SILVER Member
Sweet talented nutter
2,615 posts
Location: Brisbane Oz, Australia
Sweet talented nutter
2,615 posts
Location: Brisbane Oz, Australia
Posted:
Dear lighting i think your x was missing a commitment gene
Have a dropbear hug
Dear lighting i think your x was missing a commitment gene
Have a dropbear hug
that shrewd and knavish sprite
Called Robin Good Fellow ; are you not he that is frighten of the maidens of the villagery - fairy
I am the merry wander of the night -puk
© 1998 - 2025 Home of Poi
All prices converted to United States dollars using XE.com