Forums > Introductions > My Diary. (Feel free to comment)

Posted: 5th Aug 2004
Thanks for all the support guys. Strange things has been occurring in my life down here in sunny Falmouth. I can't go into any details yet, but i should say that this diary is actually the cause of the upheaval (whether that's good or bad is yet to be seen).

As many of you will be either at my house later on eating curry, or on the beach with me tomorrow, you will of course understand why no posts will be made over the weekend.

I'll try to resume this as soon as i am able.

Love to all of you, whoever and wherever.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 9th Aug 2004
Hello Nice to meet you finally!

Nice county you have there...

Burner of Toast
Spinner of poi
Slacker of enormous magnitude

Posted: 9th Aug 2004
Twas good to meet you! I was impressed with the guitar too...

Slicing the Loaf as we speak.

I need it..... Trust me!

Posted: 9th Aug 2004
Heya! I hope you had a good weekend... theres so much to say! It was amazing to meet you finally, i hope its not to long til we meet again! xxx

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

Posted: 10th Aug 2004
Afternoon Mr Mags. How is your house after the weekend upheaval? Hope it's getting back to normality down there.

Thanks for bein a wonderful host, you are a star tis true tis true

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 10th Aug 2004
soory i didnt get to meet you, perhaps when im down in september?
hug hug hug

D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Posted: 10th Aug 2004
hey mr M!

i hear you had an infestation over the weekend! i recomend a good high temp fire to rid yoru house of all of them

please tell me taht you played on th ebeach again this time, was a blast to hear you last time!

how did the plectrumfund go?

Step (el-nombrie)

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
Hey guys. I promise that in the next couple of days i will update this thread and you will discover what i've been up to the last couple of weeks. Suffice to say that my heart is slowly becoming a mass of hardened scar tissue from repeated wounding, and i'm quickly going insane.

I am in Lewes, in Sussex, at my dad's. Any spinners in Lewes?
Or will i have to go to brighton?

Thanks for all the messages, and yes Mech, i did play a little bit, but not as much as last time.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
Ive got a photo of you giving it some on your guitar! x

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
Yoo feeling sad again Mags?

+ + to you buddy. Hope you feel better soon

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
OK. This will take some time, and several updates to get right.

Tuesday 4th August.

I woke up to find a message from Mojo on my phone. She had spent the whole night reading this very document and when i rang her she was in tears. She was feeling very confused about her feelings for me. I suggested she come to Falmouth and she agreed.

She arrived on the Tuesday and we started talking. It turns out that i was completely correct about her and Jim (some friend he turned out to be) and they'd been [censored] regularly since shortly after she finished with me. Some how she managed to make it my fault, as i'd always been fairly paranoid about the amount of time they spent together. Apparently if i hadn't been like that, it might not have happened.

Bollocks.

Being back together had an immediate effect on both of us. I for one was overjoyed to have her with me and she appeared to be feeling the same, despite refusing to say that she loved me because of the aforementioned confusion.

On the wednesday we were preparing to go to the pub so i could play at open mic night when i got a phone call asking me to work in the pub. So we went along, i worked all evening, taking a short break to grab the guitar and sing a few songs. Then we went back to mine and chilled. Every time i looked at Mo my heart skipped a beat, and i had to keep pinching myself to ake sure i wasn't in the rapture of some lucid dream. That day was probably the happiest i have experienced in many months.

Thursday she helped me tidy the house a bit, and once Pink arrived the three of us set about chopping veggies for the Big Curry.

Tomorrow i shall update again, and attempt to tell you all about the Falmouth weekend. From my perspective of course. (Who elses?)

Love to all

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
Mags, good to see you, I'd been wondering where you were.

I'm sorry it hurts. Spin something fun. Don't go to brighton, you might come back queer

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 16th Aug 2004
I'm gonna go to Brighton tomorrow and visit those lovely folks at Firetoys to get a nice heavy contact staff. I know they're not THE best, but it'll have to do until Mech returns and makes me a couple of his "specials".

Trust me, by the time i get to end of the story of the last two weeks, you'll all be feelin depressed on my behalf.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 16th Aug 2004

D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Posted: 16th Aug 2004


i dont know what to say... try to stay sane for me man

Me train running low on soul coal
They push+pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that no no no

Posted: 17th Aug 2004


We're always here for ya!

Take it easy!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 17th Aug 2004


DUDE! If I could afford to post you my staff to make you feel better I would

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 17th Aug 2004
Heh. Don't worry. Time is now 13.18. Train leaves Lewes at 14.14. Arrives in Bright-helm-stone at 14.30. Should be at the Firetoys office by 14.35. Back on train 15.00, back to dad's house 15.15, playing with staff 15.15 - end of my life.

So that's that sorted.

***Falmouth II***

Ok. So. Thursday the 5th August.

When i left you, Mojo, Pink and I were creating curry. My memory being what it is, i can't remember who turned up when and what have you. I remember sprinting down the street after Bug (who'd driven 100 metres towards me then turned around) and his convoy of northerners. I remember my house being full of people skinning up (always good ) and i remember us all invading the street and spinning. Heheh. My neighbours probably thought we were gonna invade their homes.
At some point during the evening i figured out how to do a butterfly airwrap, quickly realised that it looks almost the same as the butterfly, and wept.
Once the curry was duly disposed of, we all headed for Maenporth. There my memory abandons me. I don't think we were on the beach very long, maybe an hour or two, and then a few of us (me, Mojo, Pink, Ben, Bird and probably more that i've forgotten) went back to mine to sleep in proper beds.

Friday 6th August

I woke up around 10ish with a start and lay there for about an hour watching Mojo sleep. It's always been a source of great puzzlement to me that she can be as beautiful when she's asleep as when she's awake. It seems incredible that such perfection can exist without some monumentally super-human effort. Cliché or no, i honestly have never felt such an affinity with any other person, regardless of gender, as i do with Mo. (Feels his head filling up with cheesy crap.)

We eventually made it to the campsite around mid afternoon, erected the tent and sorted our stuff out. I don't remember if we went to the beach then or nor, or whether we went back to mine for dinner first. Either way, we ended up on the beach in the evening and the first night proper got under way. Once again, my memory abandons me, but i remember that i was happy. Oh yeah, and i span wire wool. Typical of me, i made sure i had a hat on, and my hoodie, but neglected to put any shoes on, and so burnt my feet. Dick.

I also remember pumping up an airbed at about 3am. That was fun. Woke up around 9am in an oven, hot, sweaty and stinking of paraffin, but next to the woman of my dreams.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 17th Aug 2004
hey Mags who you calling a bloody northener?

I'll come back as fire and burn all the liars and leave a blanket of ashes on the ground.
I could write the new bridget jones diary only mine would be more bizarre, funnier, dirtier more unbelievabe and bloody true!

Posted: 18th Aug 2004
Hows your new staff dude?

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 18th Aug 2004
It's wicked, thank you for asking. Firetoys didn't have any of the "Big burner" double wick staffs, so i settled for a 1.2 metre contact stick. Took it to the Level in Brighton and met some very nice people, none of whom had ever heard of HoP! And it rained. Oh yes, it rained.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 18th Aug 2004
never heard of HoP I thought HoP was the entire internet but without the porn!

1.2 metre is quite short, that's just short of 4 foot isn't it? You'll be doing baton twirling next

And how are you feeling today Mags? Are you a little smilier now you're in possession of your very own stick?

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 18th Aug 2004
No. Well, yes. Daytime i'm ok. Nightime's a bit embarrasing. Especially when yer stepmother finds you crying in her kitchen at 4 in the morning. I'm just a big girls blouse.

And incidentally CHC, i never mentioned "bloody northerners", just "northerners". Problem?

Ok, maybe it isnt 1.2m. It comes up to just below me armpit. Good enough for 35 nicker.

Anyway, on with the show.

Saturday 7th August

Guys, honestly, i've spent so long worrying about what i was gonna write for this whole period of my life, that most of the finer details have been forgotten. Here's what i remember from the Saturday of Falmouth:

First off, i got the shock of my life when it was revealed to me that i don't just write all this bollocks for myself. Here's me thinking that maybe ten people read this thread (including my mum, (hi mum, have you registered yet?)) and so writing all sorts of crazy things that i wouldn't ordinarily tell anyone, and all the time a bunch of sneaky beggars are reading it! Imagine the look on my face! Anyway, i hope you haven't all got bored and stopped tuning in. Maybe something interesting will happen soon. Who knows?

Woke up. Kissed Mojo. Had a shower. Went to the beach. Learned lots of groovy stick moves thanks to Strugz and Ben (ya little beauties) and i have to say a big thanks to Fluffy Napalm Fairy for being a great classmate. Couldn't have got the (half) matrix without ya. (Although i've only managed to do it successfully about 3 times since )

I remember Brad falling asleep in the sun, missing the staff workshops and getting sunburnt. Heh.

I guess we went to ASDA and bought food. Or was that the Friday. I know Vixen and Mojo snuck off to the cliffs somewhere for a secret Poi workshop to which noone else was invited.

Saturday night is a bit of a blur. I remember ingesting some white powder and that not enough people were spinning. That was a crying shame. You guys travelled a long bloody way, and for most of the night only a few people were burning. I know that a few people had concerns about being "good enough" and all that crap, but frankly, i was hugely dissapointed. No fireline. No buzzsaw circle. In fact, very little of that cool stuff that you can find on the Falmouth 1 video. Maybe you were all just missing Mech. (hehehe)

That said, full respect must go to Frodo and Vix for getting naked and spinning in some pretty hefty waves and the Fireflyz boys for givin it beans with the wire wool. (and you Brad, i hadn't forgotten )

Don't get me wrong, i had a good time gurning like a motherf*cker and annoying people by putting lots of wood on the fire, (to try and get them to get off their arses and spin!) but the majority of people couldn't be bothered to play, which, after all, was the point of the whole weekend. Ah well.

I remember Vix biting my finger too. Not sure why...

Stumbled back to the site with Mojo about 4 or 5 am and slept with the tent door open so as to avoid a repeat of the previous mornings baking. Heh. That there's purest irony.

Sunday 8th August.

It rained. Boy did it rain.

All the stuff that was in the door of our tent got soaked (because i left the door open like a clever clogs) and we had to pack everything up in the rain. Maybe thanks to the rain i actually got quite a good nights sleep and by the time i'd woken up a bunch of people had already departed. To all of those people i never got a chance to say bye to: Goodbye. Hope to see you all soon.

Somehow we managed to all get back to my house. Well, some of us did. Missioned around and bought weed and had a good old smoke. Then i have a feeling that a few people stayed the night at mine. Again, i honestly can't remember. I was stoned. I know that the next day Mojo went home. Haven't seen her since.

The rest of the week went fairly quickly, tidying the house (although when i woke on Monday morning the dishes had been done and generally the place was in a better state than i left it) and working and stuff. I spoke to Mojo everyday on the phone and from the beginning of the week ("I think i love you") there was a noticeable improvement by the end of it ("I love you"). I actually ran down the street that day, whooping like a gibbon and grinning like a Cheshire cat. Not that i've ever been to Cheshire.

On the Friday (last friday, the 13th) Tamsyn drove down and dropped the kids at my house.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 19th Aug 2004
Friday 13th - Sunday 15th August

The kids stayed Friday night, then on the Saturday we went around town. Took them to Falmouth art gallery to look at an exhibition about surrealism and they got given cakes! Not bad. We played about a lot. My dad arrived around 7pm and we put the kids to bed. Brad came over too.

Dad went to bed and Brad and i played PS2 for a bit. Then i made what will probably turn out to be one of the worst mistakes of my life. I rang Mojo. She was at a friends house havin a bit of a party, and of course my (ex)friend Jim was there. You remember him, he's the one she's been shagging the whole time we weren't together, all the while telling me it would be good for us to sleep with other people. I got kinda paranoid about them being together and probably worried a bit down the phone. I wasn't trying to bring her down or anything, i just love her and was concerned, but i guess that's probably what i did.

The next day we got up, and we (my dad, the kids and myself) drove to Sussex to stay at Dad's house. Spoke to Mojo a couple of times on the way and everything seemed fine. Until i got a text about half an hour before we arrived saying that we "need to talk".

The minute i arrived at Dads i grabbed his phone and ran off upstairs. I wish i could remember the conversation verbatim, but i can't, so you'll have to make do with this: Basically, she was feeling very confused again and wanted to break it all off again. Not that we had been back together. In fact the only concession to "togetherness" we'd made was that while we were talking about getting back together we wouldn't sleep with anyone else. I guess she really wants to f*ck someone.

The problem is this: At the start of our relationship Mojo was the "other woman" while i was with my previous gf. So, from the word go she had an idea in her head of me as an adulterer. Then, to make matters worse, the girl i had cheated on with her went around telling people we were still sleeping together, flashing text messages that i had supposedly sent her declaring my undying love. This has festered in Mojo's mind for nearly two years, and she now says that she considers me one of two people:

First there is the "good" me. She loves this me very much and feels horribly guilty for hurting me so much by finishing with me etc.

The "bad" me is the one who has been consistently shagging other people behind her back. This one, she doesn't love and obviously doesn't want to be with.

The problem is that although i'd never consider myself all "good" or all "bad", i know i haven't ever betrayed her trust; she believes i have, and there's no way i can prove otherwise. I even suggested recently that i get back in touch with my ex and see if she'll tell Mo the truth, but Mo just said that that wouldn't prove anything.

I am drowning in a sea of impotence. (Not that sort.) I love her so so much, never in my life have i experienced such a pure feeling of love (and been loved so purely), yet there seems to be nothing i can do to rescue our relationship. I've been told, "Oh she's just trying to string you along" by a lot of people who know me and don't know her, but i do know her, and i know she wouldn't put me through this torture unless she really was having problems dealing with her confusion. If anything it makes me love her more. Don't ask me why, i don't know.

But there you have it folks. Broken, rebroken, my heart is like a china plate in the shop shortly after the proverbial bull has paid a visit. I rang her monday night, about 3am. Couldn't help myself. I started shaking and needed to hear her voice. I did, but i'd woken her up and she told me she'd ring me in a few days.

She hasn't.

Why can't i reach inside my head and switch off my love for her? If i'm honest, i really don't want to. Stopping loving her is more scary to me than her stopping loving me. I just don't want to have found the most perfect woman in the world and then have just got over her as if it meant nothing. It doesn't seem right.

I've spent a lot of time this week contemplating my life. It's a bit [censored] really. I haven't really accomplished anything of note, and have probably caused more pain than good. Maybe her idea of me as "bad" isn't so far from the truth. Sure, i never cheated on her, but she's one of a very few girls i've known in my life that i can honestly say that about.

My eternal gratitude goes out to her; for teaching me the true meaning of love. I hope she comes back to me one day.

That's it. My dad keeps moaning at me for getting tears on his keyboard, so i guess i'll go have a shower.

Take it easy folks.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 19th Aug 2004

Me train running low on soul coal
They push+pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that no no no

Posted: 19th Aug 2004
I'm completely lost for words!! You are far from "bad", you are one of the most genuine people I have ever had the pleasure to meet and I am proud to consider you a friend!

Take care of yourself, we'll catch up soon!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 19th Aug 2004
hey - sounds like you need these

*pineapples*
*hugs*
*tissues*
*a plentiful supply of shoulders*
*more smiles than youu can shake a firestaff at*
*a safety pin* (just in case)

x

Geologists do it in the dirt................

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
*offers a Mags height shoulder*

Dude, she doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve this sh1t from her.

chin chin good buddy

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Fair play for saying that Bug *he doesnt listen to me* xxx

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
hey mags



i dont really know you man, but i can certainly tell from your posts that your a decent kinda guy and u dont deserve to take this crap from anyone, especially not someone who's messed your head around before, be strong matey! we're all here if you need us but for the mean while just dont play with fire

hang in there

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian