Forums > Social Chat > When do you know?? *DELETED*

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
You don't know and can't know till you try. If a guy is interested in you (no matter what his true character) of course he's going to be nice to you, how else is he going to get you? A person can't hide their true colours forever, it's time that shows you who he is.

The trick I think is knowing if and when to break it off, should Mr. Hyde appear.

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
Polythene - Thanks, I guess you're right. I suppose i'm just worried about taking that risk, and getting too involved. It was only when i'd moved to another part of the country away from my friends and family, and changed my job that I found out what my last bf was really like. By then it's a bit tough to walk away.

If the truth be told, i'm not a very good judge of people.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
You don't know.

As Arashi once said:
"I won't spend my life overcoming my past".
It means a lot of things to different people but one meaning is that you can't allow yourself to be negatively influenced by things that have happened to you before (easier said than done but overcoming ourselves is part of the fun).

Love like you've never been hurt.

quote:

---

The trick I think is knowing if and when to break it off, should Mr. Hyde appear

---

- Bingo, don't take any poo. If you accept nothing less than being treated like a princess than that's how you'll be treated

Good luck and enjoy!

I live in a world of infinite possibilities.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
what the other guys said, never let anyone treat you like poo!

also having had many many chats with my female friends about thei bfs i have found that they all over analise everything - my advise NEVER do this, go with the flow let things happen naturally, enjoy being together and dont have a barney about him leaving the cap off the toothpaste or something silly like that.

if you like this guy and think he feels the same way go for it enjoy it if he turns into a d*$@head walk away, you've had fun&happy moments with him and you've also learnt from it ENJOY!!

she who sees from up high smiles

Patrick badger king: *they better hope there's never a jihad on stupidity*

AnonymousPLATINUM Member

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
I came out of a really bad 3 year relationship almost a year and a half ago. it completely destroyed me, and I was close to the end. I couldn't believe someone I loved beyond everything else could hurt me so much. I was stuck in the same house with her with the same bad feelings and same arguments happening again and again.

Then she moved out and I met my last gf, she completely revised my feelings on relationships, showed me that you don't have to give all of yourself all the time to still have a very good relationship, and showed me how to love someone without the all consuming feelings that mean you ignore everything else. We did eventually split up due to work commitments rather than not wanting to be together, but we split up so we could remain friends.

I guess what I'm saying is that I felt the same as you, I'd been dicked around, cheated on, abused and hurt, and wasn't going back for any more.

Then I met someone who changed how I thought about love and life, and although she wasn't the one I was destined to spend my life with, she helped me more than she might know. And it was completely unexpected!

She showed me you should never give more of yourself that you are comfortable with, and it is vital that you keep you and your goals in perspective. Don't be afraid to comprimise but if he asks something of you, then you have every right to ask, and expect, something similar in return, otherwise what you have isn't a relationship, it's a parasite!

Dating someone is a partnetship, and should be treated as such, equal times for each partner.
If you get what I mean.

I'd also say you don't have to get into a relationship because everyone else is. I'm back to being single again, and although a gf would be nice, I'm not actively persuing it, I'm meeting up with people, and going out and having a laugh and if something happens then cool, if not, then no worries.

Now how to find out when you've got a good one!
Tricky! there are so many little things that go together to make that One relationship. Friendship is a big part of it, trust, tollerance, equality, and respect.

You can't really nail it down to one thing or feeling. but if they can accept you for what you are without needing to change you, then you onto a good start.

I hope this helps a bit, and I hope you feel better soon. Don't worry about being single, lots are and lot's are happy. It might happen that you'll meet mr right just round the corner or somewhere you never expected, and that'll be the start of your "Relationship".

Until then be yourself, cos tiggers are wonderful things and then someone'll come and bounce with you when you least expect it.

PsyB.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
Jafar and Narr - Thanks for the good advice guys, I know you're right . I just tend to start off relationships being quite apologetic for my faults and i'm sure that does send out the message 'treat me badly'. Before I know it it's happened again. I'll have to work on that.

PsyB - Thanks, you're post made me smile . God, you lot are all so sorted. You should start a career in self-help.

AnonymousPLATINUM Member

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
No probs Spider.
Glad it cheered you up a bit.

PsyB.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
i fond it all alittle ironic that i hand out relationship advice and that the friends in my group come to me for advice cos ive been single for three years but glad to be of service you dirty lil marmite spider

she who sees from up high smiles

Patrick badger king: *they better hope there's never a jihad on stupidity*

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
Narr - Life's always like that though. People can always give great advice but never sort their own lives out. They get into relationships that are wrong for them and everyone else can see it but them. I've seen a few of my friends who I class as really stable and sorted when it comes to relationships fall apart because of problems with a bf or gf that they just couldn't see was f*cking them up.

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
heres a tip,

borrow something from them thats really important, or expensive, or both, then lose/break it. If they go totally mad, they care more about stuff than you, if they say they dont mind but hold it against you, they are psyco, if they forgive you, you got a good un!

T

This is a post by tom, all spelling is deleberate
-><- Kallisti

Posted: 31st Oct 2003
Nx - I don't think he's into possesions that much so would his mum count.

Example - Can I borrow your mum?

'I'm really sorry, I did have her with me but I broke/lost her'

Or maybe that makes me the psycho!!

Posted: 1st Nov 2003
if he's not into possessions much than...don't u already have that part figured out?

in which case u would not need to break/lose his mom! lol

You've just been attacked by:
SIC KITTY!
*cackles maniacally*
I suffer...*sob*...because I am better.

I don't really believe that.... *coughs*

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
Just to add a thought to this. People can give advice (semi-)objectively if they're not as involved. I say semi, because it will probably be slightly biased towards whoever their real friend is. They're also very bad about seeing the stuff right in front of their faces. That's what friends are for.

Luv 'n' Lemons
purity :: clarity :: balance

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
That's great! From a number of different areas, but the story itself made me think of a catch phrase...

quote:

---

Big brother is watching you, but he's a stupid git, so you don't need to worry!

---

Over all though, I'm impressed. I think it's great that there is electronic monitoring of the access of personal medical files, I wish the same was here in NZ.

I doubt if Mike would ever abuse the system but I know that some people will, and this type of incident sounds like a good way to try and protect the pateints and prevent the access a bit more often than otherwise.

There are a number of employees of the IRD here in NZ who were charged with dozens of counts of looking up details on the system for debt collectors, Private investigators and abusive husbands/stalkers.

If this system had been in place, I doubt they would have thought they could do it, still kept their jobs, and the victims never placed at risk.

Wonderful story, Mike!

HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
charles, are you sure you posted that to the right thread... ?

Luv 'n' Lemons
purity :: clarity :: balance

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
Oh, and just to be on topic for this thread for once, if it's any consolation, my "love" life has been an utter unmitigated disaster so far, as judged from this retrospective point of view, so I suspect you're not the only one.

Luv 'n' Lemons
purity :: clarity :: balance

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
LOL at Charles.

Aww Matthew honey, now I feel bad for complaining. You could always post your problems here too and see if anyones got any advice, I know i'm certainly not the only one with love troubles.

Thinking of that, good question. Why, when love is supposed to be something happy that enhances our lives, does it generally cause so much misery? And why do we all desire it so much - what's wrong with love from friends and family?? People seem to end up telling lies, cheating, becoming paranoid, losing thier friends. If it's not true then why do two thirds of all marriages end in disaster??

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
being in a relationship is just dandy!

...please don't think of single life is necessarily awful mate!

wether you're attached or not, through circumstance or through choice, just enjoy what a an awesome gift the present moment of your life is.

happiness is often just wanting what you got, not just getting what you want.

oh and convert to buddhism it's great for your muscle tone

Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
Hello Bender, I had a look at your site recently - it kicks ass.

Anyway,I'm already into Buddhism, and my life is great. That's my point. I have two great jobs, an amazing mum and sister, wicked friends and loads of stuff I like doing. It turns to shit if I have a significant other. I'm not depressed or anything, just interested as to why this happens.

You didn't really answer the last bit of my post, but I'd be interested if you did.

BTW - Are you mending?? How's the injury??

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
erm the leg is quite the spanner of my life :/
as for your point on love being a source of joy n misery - perhaps the dharma of impermanence would relate well: we decieve ourselves into thinking that relationships last forever (physically?) and are dismayed when it does not. by accepting that all things created ultimately are uncreated, we can more easily accept when relationships pass. To me, this acceptance is no prison of lowered expectation - rather it is an emancipation from some painful desire and an innate source of peace and joy

btw i will post my xrays up soon - they are quite unpritty

***edit for stoopid typos***

Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

Posted: 2nd Nov 2003
The reason it causes misery is that we're human. In order to get close to anyone, we open ourselves up to an enormous amount of hurt, because we trust that the other person won't abuse it. Sometimes they do intentionally, in which case, they're not worth anything (in my book anyway), and sometimes it happens through carelessness or lack of understanding, and sometimes through cowardice of being able to speak your mind, for fear of hurting that person in a different way. My experience has been that the latter happens far far too easily, and I've ended up hurting both the people I got close to because of it.

I'm not proud of this, and one of those also hurt me too, for much the same reasons, I suspect. I'm more concerned about the person that I hurt that I cared a lot about, and who wouldn't have done anything to hurt me. It's horrible knowing that you abused someone's trust in that way.

The reason that it causes so much misery, well, are you sure you're asking the right question? We will always remember the last stages of something, I know I do. So despite a happy year and a half with one of my exes, the bit of the relationship that sticks in my mind is the very unhappy year or so following it. I just don't find it as easy to think about the good things, and instead seem to dwell on the bad.

Love and understanding is a good thing, and when it works properly, it's really quite beautiful to behold. I believe I've experienced it for someone, in the way I missed her when she left, and I refused to even go close to anyone else for the better part of a year afterwards, just in case. (this, of course, opened me up to being hurt more and more). I've not experienced it to the same extent since then, but in that time I have made some really good friends, and that's not necessarily something I'm willing to give up easily.

Luv 'n' Lemons
purity :: clarity :: balance

Posted: 3rd Nov 2003
I've been pretty much single all my life and when my friends feel that they have to ring home to check with their partners if they want to stay out late or whatever, I do wonder whether they've just swapped their parents for another regime.

Be single. Enjoy it. Don't get desperate for someone to warm your feet on or whatever.

I'm told that when you meet the right man he'll be up there, dancing on that table with you.

Must go find a table.

There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

Posted: 3rd Nov 2003
viva singledom! nothing beats enjoying being by yourself and enjoying having good friendships.

Posted: 3rd Nov 2003
Post deleted by Dirty Marmite Spider

Posted: 3rd Nov 2003
everybody's profound - whether or or not it is apparent is another matter.

[ 04. November 2003, 04:28: Message edited by: bender™ ]

Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

Posted: 3rd Nov 2003
I was single for about 4 years till I met Mr5.. all around me were couples.. I mean ALL. There wasn't a single single friend in my close group of friends - yeah I knew some singles, but they are into different stuff to me so hangin out with them was always a bit wierd.. yeah it can get soul distroying depressing - I wanted to run away and hide most weekends, coz seeing my freinds ws nice but hard at the same time.

Now that I have found my soul mate, I think that the time spent on my own was truely good for me. I met and feel head over heals in love with a guy when I was 18 - we split at 22.. he broke my heart and I spent the next 4 years comparing everyone to him.. I know now that that was really unhealthy to do. Mr5 is everything this guy is and more and if I hadn't gotten used to being on my own and standing up for myself I doubt Mr5 would have even looked at me.. it's only been 4 months since we've been together and about 7 since we started talking, but I know I'm never going to be apart from him from now on... as the saying goes- good things come to those who wait.. next year I'll be celebrating my 28th birthday with a MAN (not a boy) that I love.. alls is good..

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Posted: 4th Nov 2003
Man this thread is way to long for me to read but here is my advice for what it's worth.

You know.... when the person your with makes loose intrest other things you like just so you can when spend more time with them.

... When you always think to yourself 'what could this person possibly see in me to want my company"

thats when i think you know...
... I think i miss my friend

-Beeaaatch please, I'm the macaroni with the cheese.
-This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.

Posted: 4th Nov 2003
i will say that right now that im in a very happy relationship with some one who i love very dearly, but before that i was hurt may times, and in the course of things im sure that i will be hurt again before i find "the one"

but my philosophy on love is like this:

if you really like someone, you are like a blind diver who has climbed to the top of the diving platforms.
The problem is telling that person how you feel without know whats in their heart: or jumping and not knowing how full the pool at the bottom is.

maybe the pool is empty like their heart: and you get badly hurt. but you must get up and find the pool which isnt empty

but also

mybe their pool is full: and you survive comfortably and get to swim in thir love


basically

just jump!

D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Posted: 4th Nov 2003
blimey, you're only 19! Give it at least 10 years before you worry about being single forever...

I think most chicks have a terrible taste in men. The trouble is that what you find ATTRACTIVE isn't usually what you actually LIKE.

Some guys actually have emotional problems, which means as he feels comfortable with you he'll feel more able to vent his frustrations on you. Everyone does this to a certain extent, but you can probably spot the nutters by asking them about their relationships with their mothers.

It's up to you to show (and not just tell) a guy you won't take crap that makes you miserable. If he doesn't learn this lesson the first couple of times he's not ever going to, and you should move on.

Hope that helps, maybe I'll PM you next time I'm in Oxford and introduce you to my emotionally-balanced friends

Magnus... pay it forward

Posted: 4th Nov 2003
Poor Dirty Marmite Spider, you haven't had much luck have you.
I was in a similar boat for a while until the perfect one came along.

Please don't judge all us men by your past experience, some of us are quite lovely yet can still be strong without being an asshole.

I'm sure some one will arrive in your life one day who will make you sparkle when you're in a relationship too.

Until then, if you do get a big shoe + cats + orphans, can I come and stay? I'd love to swing on yer laces :-)

Let's relight this forum