Forums > Help! > I think I'm loosing my boyfriend...

Posted: 24th Sep 2008
it does...


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EDITED_BY: FireTom (1222342521)
EDIT_REASON: no pun intended

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 25th Sep 2008
Hijacking? Its all good advice. Cheeky, cheeky. ^_^

Posted: 25th Sep 2008
Wow, I missed a lot.

MNS - I don't think I'm aloud to take them to school.. they'd consider it a weapon. I suppose I could always ask though. Also, I try to be friendly even if I don't like them.

FireTom - I sort of see what you mean about the lessons.. I think... (I all too often misinterpret things, so I'm sorry if I got it wrong) Do you mean that I kind of learned how to better myself in ways, and I've learned to cope? Anywho, I know what you mean but the mistakes thing. People tend to laugh at me often.

I totally got lost with the universe thing. I guess I just have too young a mind to comprehend that. -shrugs- Oh well.


I absolutely love the hijacking thing!

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 25th Sep 2008
The concept of "God works in mysterious ways" is much the same as FireToms idealisation of the universe, as I interpret it, anyway, while not specifically naming a deity in control of the universe, just that theres nothing out there that there can't be some sort of positive to. The way it works involves consequences and actions, if there weren't consequences it would be boring and there would be no point to choices...

If you see the mind as a computer and every stimulus as an input device... the core of it is just a computer, functioning on its own... then you add sight, sound, taste, smell, touch into the equation and you get what we call "the world" but in order for that to occur you need to interpret the way you see it... changing the way you interpret it will change the way that it exists within your mind.

Nothing has meaning until it is given meaning.

Thats slightly off Toms topic, but its interrelated.

Posted: 26th Sep 2008
Hmm. I think I get it now... Like everything effects everything in some way, right? Or is that off as well? Either way, I think I get the point. I can understand the "Nothing has meaning until it is given meaning." It almost makes me think of how little kids learn something(from my very limited experience). You can explain it to them all you want but they don't TRULY get it until they experience it themselves. Does that even make since?

Oh well, its just how my discombobulated mind works.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 26th Sep 2008
On the right track somewhere. The world in which we live is a very strange place... the best way to cope within it is to formulate your own way of understanding it and how you interact with it... I feel not attempting to understand it is only going to disadvantage you in the long run.

Posted: 26th Sep 2008
yeah - you got it all 'wrong'...

IMHO there is no 'right' or 'wrong' to start with. But maybe I'm the one drawing my own, erroneous conclusions... ??? This Universe is perfect as it is - there is nothing we need to fix. That's how I see it. But why then am I starting to make people ... for say ... paranoid about their privacy? Because I feel that these are valid questions and concerns and it's necessary to shift a bit focus on the topic. And maybe because I've been looking for a spanking.

Be it as it may: The meaning we give to our observations is telling us clues about our own nature... As I am making an observation and put a label on the sensation, it says a lot more about my self than it does tell about what is really going on.

But this thread is not "the Universe explained, light"... right?

As I see it, the experience you had with your (ex) boyfriend is giving you clues about

- does a relationship have various aspects, can it change over time, is this a bad thing, is it a good thing, how does it feel, what are the mechanisms of a romantic relationship breaking apart, how can I cope with (this) disenchantment, can I maintain a positive attitude, can a friendship turn into a (romantic) relationship (and back) or better speaking: can a relationship move on? How do I feel with it?

I mean this is only a fraction of the experience (as I see it) and my understanding is quite limited, however.

If you learned about yourself that you have an unique way to interpret things and to see it in your unique way, then you already are given choices: you can stay in your interpretation (and learn about your character) - or you can ask questions to render the input (and go from there)...

If you can make people laugh (about you) then I regard this a lot more positive than making people angry... no, there is only a preference - making people angry sometimes is very necessary.

Just: who is willing to do the job and why - is it a pattern - is it something I enjoy - do I want to change it... ??

It can be very confusing to ask these questions - which is why I tried to advise: go outside and live this life of yours, rather than constantly wrapping your head around the feeling of having lost a lover.

What I've learned is: I can't loose what is mine and I can't keep what doesn't belong to me. Am I still nervous whether or not my girl loves me, whether or not I will be able to work things out and make a match? Yes. Because worries (or fear (of loosing something)) in the right dose makes me alert, makes me take care... makes me ask myself: what do I really want (in my life)?

Andrea has put it in very nice words:

Love is a facilitator for growth (Andrea, aka BansheeCat)

Sometimes my messages are a little garbled but if you can take something from it... nice.

"discombobulate" - what a word

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 26th Sep 2008
In my own view... theres always only one thing that really matters, but it splits into several more complicated sub categories.


The self is all that matters... Analysing the universe as you relate to it is one of these sub-categories. Analysing the other inhabitants of the universe is another sub category of yourself because the way you treat and interact with others says a lot about who you are and almost(but not quite) nothing about who they are.

And because conceptualising on a large scale can only be done from your own perspective it relates down to every miniscule component of your lifestyle as well as the larger decisions in our lives.

I dunno about your interpretation, but what I'm getting from what you're saying our conceptualisations are merely two different ways to tell the same story, so that might help Wiccanchica work out how this interrelates with her life.

On a side note... what the hell would I have turned into had I started being exposed to this kind of garbage at her age?!

Even if you understand nothing else, WiccanChica... understand this: The way you look at the world greatly influences you. Make sure the way you see is whats most beneficial for you... and make sure the eyes you look with belong to you.

Posted: 27th Sep 2008
I hope you don't mind me turning the subject around a bit, but I just wanted to give a little advice to Chicca. =) (My enter key is also broken at the moment, so please forgive the lack of spaces between my paragraphs...) 1 First I want to say that from what I've read of your posts you seem very mature for your age. You're a very strong person, and you seem to be handling the breakup really well. =) 2 I promise you, you won't be alone forever when it comes to friends. You seem like a wonderful young lady, and I'm sure you'll make a lot of friends throughout your life. Think about it, you haven't even met half of the people you'll meet in your life! 3 I also want to say that even though you might not be able to see yourself with anyone else right now, you WILL be with someone else again. I felt the same way after I got out of my first serious relationship, and it took me five months to get to the point where I could consider dating someone again. A month after that, I met my new boyfriend whom I'm still currently with and who I feel more for than I felt for my ex. =) A wise man I know also told me that each serious relationship feels even more intense than the last. So far, this has proven true to me. 4 I would also like to remind you that spinning fire increases your sexyness by +10.
EDITED_BY: Katherine_Tomlinson (1222496497)

Posted: 27th Sep 2008
From that, Katherine I get the idea you're saying Tom and I are rambling incoherent, unrelated nonsense... So just in case WiccanChica has come to this same conclusion I'll throw in that I've always felt that giving advice to someone at a different stage of life has never really quite worked... because there are so many things that just need to be worked out before these concepts can be truly understood.

The idea that an idea isn't realised until it has been lived... so I'm just throwing around methods to better discover the truth, rather than just say it.

That said, Katherine is wholly right on points 1-4 On 2 theres never really been a huge range of people in high school... once people leave everyone seems to spread their wings a little more and become a whole lot more accepting (Not having the auto-socialising functions of high school does this)

Posted: 27th Sep 2008

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Hey Tex - can't extract quite the same from her post

Katherine: re. your #1 I really tried to avoid fluttering her, now you don't really have to boast her ego... guess she's having that idea, is just to modest - which is actually making the matter even worse...

Re # 2 and 3: I always tend to - but drawing against the tomorrow... it might never come. I can do that because luckily I had quite a few tomorrows in the past - I'm advocating to be content "here and now" - especially if you're fourteen

Originally Posted By: KatherineA wise man I know also told me that each serious relationship feels even more intense than the last.

So here they all go now and brake up with their serious relationships in order to get an even better one.

I'm going to have a game of pool and a pint... after all it's Saturday night and I should live up to my own advices...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 27th Sep 2008
Oh wow. A lot was posted over night.

Tom - I think I understand your outlook on the universe. The questions you put are a way of sorting things out in my mind. (I hope that's how you meant them) I usually have to ask myself questions before I can have everything sorted. And for the unique ways of interpreting things, is it possible to do both? I think I would ask questions, because I have yet to fully understand anything in this crazy world. But also, I don't interpret things exactly how they are explained or how others see them. I agree with you completely when you say "What I've learned is: I can't loose what is mine and I can't keep what doesn't belong to me." That makes a lot of since to me. I hope I have gotten something right out of what you were saying. (and, Yes, I often make up words and unconsciously use the... like Discombobulated, defunkatated, ect.)

MNS - I would almost agree with you when you say that the self is all that matters.. But I always try to make others matter more than myself, by nature. But I do agree that how you treat and interact with others says a lot about you. I don't usually notice because I don't usually pay attention to myself. It sort of helps how I see it effecting my life. And I will remember that piece of advice. Also I know that with the group of kids I'm with now I won't have many friends, but hopefully I'll go to high school with a new group (I want to go to a different, advanced high school) and I'll be able to start new.

Katherine - (in reply to 1) Thank you I guess. ^,...,^ hmm.. (2) I know I'll make friends eventually. And that is an interesting way of thinking of it, I haven't met half the people I ever will. I like that. (3) I'd like to hope so. I know it will take me a long long time to finally get to the point in which I'm ready to date again, but I guess I kind of figure if there's a guy waiting for me now he can wait longer, let my wounds heal. And if there isn't, someone will eventually. It is interesting to me that relationships get more and more intense. (4) I guess that's a little more encouragement to keep spinning, though I don't plan to ever stop.
EDITED_BY: WiccanChica (1222537773)

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 27th Sep 2008
Originally Posted By: Mother_Natures_SonFrom that, Katherine I get the idea you're saying Tom and I are rambling incoherent, unrelated nonsense... So just in case WiccanChica has come to this same conclusion I'll throw in that I've always felt that giving advice to someone at a different stage of life has never really quite worked... because there are so many things that just need to be worked out before these concepts can be truly understood.

I...What? I wasn't implying that you were rambling at all. =/ I was just switching subjects because I wanted to say somethings that might help, and I'm sorry if that seemed rude, it was not my intent. And I disagree that giving advice at different stages of life doesn't "work," (depending on your definition of "work.") I've gotten advice from people from all different stages of life, and the knowledge they've given me has helped. I do understand that you're saying knowledge isn't enough because while you know it you don't nessicarrily understand it, (For example, someone can say how much they know about say, hallucinogens but until they've actually tried a hallucinogen they don't really understand it), but I think having the knowledge can be a first step in a good direction. =)


(I'd also like to say that I'm not here to offend anyone, and I apologize if anything I said above did.)
Originally Posted By: FireTom
Originally Posted By: KatherineA wise man I know also told me that each serious relationship feels even more intense than the last.

So here they all go now and brake up with their serious relationships in order to get an even better one.

When one serious relationship ends it's usually because the two people aren't compatiable in some aspect or another. After every relationship we have a better understanding of what it is we want out of a relationship, so we're better prepared to find this in someone else. Because we have a better idea of what we want, the next serious relationship in our life has a good chance of being better for us in the end. Of course, this isn't a rule of thumb. But I would certainly hope that after one gets into a new relationship it's as satisfying, if not more satisfying, than the relationship one got out of before that. Else, we have found someone even less compatiable for us.

Posted: 27th Sep 2008
Katherine, sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, I had taken no offense and I actually think its quite reasonable if you had thought I was off topic...I just wanted to make sure that my point was as clear as it could be, as it is a highly shady area.

I worded it rather badly, sorry.

What I had tried to get across about it not quite 'working' was simply that there are things that must be learnt, that you can never really be told. I think matters of the heart are one of these because it all depends on how you conceptualise the emotions involved. I didn't mean to say that it wasn't useful to pass it on, but I see directions like yours to be a goal of what needs to be achieved, a reminder of the wisdom lacked, but its not a methodology to acquire knowledge...

I hope that doesnt sound rude, I'm awfully tired and I don't mean to be... so I'll throw a few on there. Just read it with a and a in mind.

WiccanChica, on selfishness and selflessness, I understand what you mean, but thats never been the way I've perceived it... to me there has never been selflessness. I enjoy helping my friends because it makes me feel good... to put myself first would not make me feel good... in this way selflessness is a selfish act, in so many ways I do it to satisfy my own urges.

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
Hmmm.... Would that mean that you acquire merit or not?

In my limited experience of relationships, you are going to have to have a few that you mess up, just remember that if something did not work out that it rarely comes from one side.

Note that I am not implying that this is your fault, just that in my case there were definitely things that I did/did not do that should have been done, which, now that I am moving on and in another relationship, I am (hopefully) not doing wrong.

Argh. This makes very little sense.... Hope that the rambling does help. Will need to go over it again and write it better.

'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
I'd agree with you there, aston. My last relationship was full of passion, but was a train wreck because of some communication issues... the relationship I'm in now is free of these communication issues and things are just fine and dandy for now.

Not really sure what you're referring to on acquiring merit... unless you're referring to my statement that selflessness does not exist.

You still do tend to acquire merit and this can be done in two ways as far as I see it... one is that other people still perceive it as being positive. (Their judgment on the stimulus of seeing you doing your deed makes for a +)

But merit is also along the same lines of "karma" as I suggested earlier... if we take karma as being not necessarily an external force... but an internal one... you reap the benefits of doing good deeds by over time becoming a more inherently good person. (depending on your motivations)


Does this answer your question, aston?

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
You do all make perfect sense (to me at least)

MSN - "altruism" being "smart egoism" - you really are scaringly close to my own philosophy...

Please note, that by no means I am trying to have a go at anyone, except for a brotherly tease (shh: in order to cheer up the gals )...



Katherine: again, I was just uttering another tease. You're right with what you say (as to my belief at least) - gosh, are we not such a kind bunch in here... feels like a kitten kicking me with her paws... hurts so good

There is another theory of mine that I need about half the time that my previous relationship lasted to be by myself (in order to sort my head and heart), before I'm really ready for the one to come. I need that time in order not to compare my partners to each other and to neither make them pay for the mistakes they are not responsible for, nor to try and make something up to them (urge)...

Aston - I don't think we really "have to mess a few up" - that to me is a funny conception. We usually do, because it just happens to be that way. Remember that time of our great grandparents, where they married at age 17 and stayed together for the next 80 years? For us it's almost unbelievable, but this has been reality not that long ago. It's just about whether we want to work things out or we don't...

OMG I'm soo hung over after last night out, I should not participate... hope I made some sense at least...

Alysha, just on a last short note (for now):

Everything is possible (as such there has to be one or the other thing that ain't ). It's a choice - IMO at least - and the more conscious this choice is, the better. As MSN put it: "Make sure the way you see is whats most beneficial for you... and make sure the eyes you look with belong to you." This guy really is up to something, hey! (which is why I tease him - I usually don't tease ppl I don't like)...

As I see things we already have everything that is required to understand and to get along, we just need to remember that... which is why the Universe is giving us friendly hints once in a while. We do create our own realities with our minds and it is necessary *not* to always interpret things as everybody else - this is why so many of us are here... the Universe enjoys to be observed from all different angles, we're much like all these facets of a polished diamond. We are the diamond at the same time that we shape it... looking inside and shining outside... does that make sense? For a diamond to sparkle light is needed to enter, this light is getting fractured, split into various wavelengths, after which it exits again - just to be observed with and enjoyed by your eyes...

It almost can't be described - it has to be experienced, 'cause language is so limited.

Am sorry to say that one reason that you had to loose your boyfriend is to experience the feedback you receive(d) here, and to bring us all together sharing our experiences in this subject.

This way you turned something hurtful into something very beautiful... ey ey ey are you not a beautiful soul...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
MNS - I've never really thought about the selfish/selfless thing like that. Yes, I guess it does make me feel better about myself as a whole, I've just never really noticed. I guess I am slightly selfish unconsciously. Also I love your response to the merit question (no clue why) But what is a Merit? I sort of know a vauge outline of what it could possibly be.. but.. Yeah.

Aston - It makes since to me, no worries. (Usually the things that make since to others don't make since to me, and things that don't make since to others make since to me. My mind works in funny ways.) I can see what you mean though, we make mistakes, consciously or not, and that effects out relationships. With that, you learn to not make those mistakes anymore (I think that's how you meant it)

Tom - Everything is possible... Have you ever tried slamming a revolving door? Me either, but it sounds fun. (Okay, sorry I just had to put that in for kicks. you set yourself up for that one.) Its a good thing that it is necessary not to interpret things the same, because that is near impossible for me. I like the analogy of the diamond. (we're learning about refractions of light in science) Also, it reminds me of a quote from a book I once read- "no matter how close you stand together, two people can never see the same rainbow." They said it like a bad thing, but I think that it makes us independent, and thinking of that I can stand taller in my own views, knowing no one will ever see it the same as me.

I hope what I've said makes since now. It almost doesn't to me ^,...,^

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
Since = sense, right? Just clarifying before I get confused

"Slamming a revolving door" now that's a nice ZEN-picture right there, better than the "what's the sound of one hand clapping" (which I manage)...

Besides not being able to see something from the exact same perspective, it's almost as hard to see the same thing/ object/ situation... we're always approaching it from a slightly different angle, due to our conditioning.

Liberation from conditioning might be possible to achieve (through means of meditation for example), still I'm uncertain whether two people can really experience the same sensation in exactly the same way. Is the red color I see, the same red that you see? Definitely that difference shows in the case of defining "beauty"... I need to watch "Next" again, there is one dialog where Nick Cage quotes a really beautiful definition of "what is 'beauty'?"

However, you can look at the cup half empty or half full (two ppl never seing the same rainbow)... fact of the matter is that half a cup is (just) half a cup.

As to the "mistakes" - as I see it I need to learn to live with them in the first place and at some stage to forgive my self = accepting. Every single step in my life, every book I read, conversation I had, movie I watched, lover I (dis)engaged put me in the very situation I am at this instant. Then it's my mind making a determination, casting a judgement. If I feel bad - I mourn my mistakes, if I feel bliss - I hail them. Okay, the question is how do I feel in this moment and whether I/don't like it. I might (not) understand the reasons at this point, but surely the Universe is unfolding as it should... does that make any since?

Whilst I might be the only thing that really matters in my life, I am not important at all. Maybe not so easy to get this and maybe I'm confusing you.

"Its a good thing that it is necessary not to interpret things the same, because that is near impossible for me."

does that sentence mean the same as

"Its a good thing that it is not necessary to interpret things the same, because that is near impossible for me."

Personally I subscribe to the latter, because it provides more freedom than the former. No critique, just a tiny detail that creates a vastly different imprint.

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 28th Sep 2008
Its possible to slam a revolving door... in my youth I was more a more challenging individual, you might say.

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
Tom - Yes slamming a revolving door. I suppose it is possible if you put a block in there somewhere but that's beside the point. and I can clap with one hand! Its fun, but my mom says shes going to laugh when I smack myself. I, personally, don't think its at all possible for two people to experience the exact same thing. Our scenes (I think that's the right one, I can never remember which one is which ) are different, we all think differently, so nothing can me exactly the same. And yes, that does make since.
Also, it took me a few minuets to notice the difference in the two. I don't think they mean the same, but they are close, and you're right, the the latter does have more freedom.

MNS - I've never actually even seen a revolving door in real life, but that sounds extremely fun. Might I ask how you managed? Without a block of some sort it will just keep spinning, wont it? Hm.. Well.. Anywho.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
I'm not going to give out details on the internet, for fear that it may well be replicated! There are a few ways to do it, a few are obvious and usually get you caught, a few are very sneaky and are almost undetectable.

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
Originally Posted By: WiccanChicaAston - ... we make mistakes, consciously or not, and that effects out relationships. With that, you learn to not make those mistakes anymore (I think that's how you meant it)

Wonderfully put, exactly that.

Well, you make different mistakes at least.

'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
MNS: I would like to receive that information by PM Just to keep it from happening I mean to get caught - it's especially the sneaky ones I'm interested in

Originally Posted By: AstonWell, you make different mistakes at least.

Now what if some mistakes would have gotten tolerated in the previous or future relationship, only we happen to do it in the present one?

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
MNS - Aw no fun Oh well I don't even know where I'd find a revolving door anywho. kudos ti your success though!!

Aston - YAY! I got it right! Seriously, though, did I really?! -pats self on back- I can't believe I've actually gotten that right!! Woo hoo! okay enough celebrating. (sorry 'bout that)

Tom - Then we fail as a person! No. Then we just screw up at the wrong time I guess.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Posted: 29th Sep 2008
Usually the mistakes we're allowed to make in an old relationship are minuscule enough that they can be learned and curbed in the new relationship... its only if the other person has a predisposition toward not liking this particular mistake that you might run into problems...

But overcoming hurdles as a unit is a part of any good relationship... problems can often be the most unifying thing ever... working through something together can get you that little bit closer to understanding them, learning what their weaknesses are, their strengths in resolution and all that other nonsense.

Posted: 30th Sep 2008
Well, I mean stuff like my habit of turning off to outside interference when reading/coding/gaming/poiing. It annoyed one of my previous partners a fair amount, and even though my current girlfriend is not as worried about it, I still try not to zone out if she happens to be around.

And ya, talking about stuff seems to be the answer. Find out what you can get away with.

'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Posted: 30th Sep 2008
If you repeat that "mistake" over and over again - it actually might either be a pattern/ habit or just a part of your personality.

What, but the reaction of your peer is telling you that it actually IS a mistake in the first place? (i.e. conditioning)

If someone can't live with your mistakes, dodge them - because you might have to bend in order to make a match.

Dunno what you're looking for, I for my part am looking for someone who loves me (back). If that excludes my mistakes... it's not "l.o.v.e" but merely satisfying the urge not to be alone in the short run and the attempt to form someone else to suit into the plot.

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 30th Sep 2008
Depends on exactly what it is the mistake is... theres a lot I'd change for a person I loved, I am far, far, far from perfect.

I will not, however, cut my hair for someone.
EDITED_BY: Mother_Natures_Son (1222819668)

Posted: 30th Sep 2008
and that's exactly been *one* reason why I lost my girlfriend (my daughters mom)... 4yrs later I cut it off and another girl was saying: Noooooooo. Moral is that you need to do what you feel is right for you - even if it turns out to be a mistake...

Fact of the matter is that we're all far from perfect. Some closer, some farther. I love those who love their partners just a little more, just *because* of their flaws, nicks and dents in personality... who would want to live with a saint? Except for a disciple?

But again I start sounding as if I'd "know it all..." pls. Disclaimer: I can only state my own experience, which might only be applicable to my very own life. If it resonates in you, fine - if it doesn't, just leave these bits behind. Ultimately we're bound to live our own lives and make our own experiences.

the best smiles are the ones you lead to