Forums > Social Chat > A rant about feelings & confusion (yes, i want thoughts/ reassurance)
Login/Join to ParticipateDreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
Most of you are fairly aware I had some "ulterior motives" as it were, for this visit to the UK .. namely that I was coming in part to spend some time with a certain boy. Things are an unsettled sort of "we enjoy each others company and only know each other so well" sort of confusing... but its only gotten more challenging in the past couple days
1) For example, i was having a lot of troubles with some fairly simple things and got upset- wanted to talk things through- which was driving him crazy. As he didn't know how to answer any of my questions and he wanted to just drop it... because " why does it matter?" " can;t we just be happy that we're together?"
2) Different kind of confusion- today after a long day together where he was mostly having to run around and do administrative stuff, he stopped me where we parted on our walk home and thanked me very genuinly for being around- and told me how nice it had been. and he was really really happy. and.. i.. am ... so.. confused.
3) He *says* he has no idea what he feels about me, and its just confusing, and he just enjoys my company- ....
thats as much as my brain can do right now, it just shut down i've been up since 515 and its now 1215 and been outside muchly... all the way to swindon (i think?- somewhere in teh south!) and back as well...
but those of you who can pattern match and understand some of human behaviour.. throw some stuff out there for me....
Most of you are fairly aware I had some "ulterior motives" as it were, for this visit to the UK .. namely that I was coming in part to spend some time with a certain boy. Things are an unsettled sort of "we enjoy each others company and only know each other so well" sort of confusing... but its only gotten more challenging in the past couple days
1) For example, i was having a lot of troubles with some fairly simple things and got upset- wanted to talk things through- which was driving him crazy. As he didn't know how to answer any of my questions and he wanted to just drop it... because " why does it matter?" " can;t we just be happy that we're together?"
2) Different kind of confusion- today after a long day together where he was mostly having to run around and do administrative stuff, he stopped me where we parted on our walk home and thanked me very genuinly for being around- and told me how nice it had been. and he was really really happy. and.. i.. am ... so.. confused.
3) He *says* he has no idea what he feels about me, and its just confusing, and he just enjoys my company- ....
thats as much as my brain can do right now, it just shut down i've been up since 515 and its now 1215 and been outside muchly... all the way to swindon (i think?- somewhere in teh south!) and back as well...
but those of you who can pattern match and understand some of human behaviour.. throw some stuff out there for me....
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
BRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK
Posted:
I think this one needs a degree in psychology... Men are weird. Women are weird. We're all weird!! Or at least, crap at communicating...
I think this one needs a degree in psychology... Men are weird. Women are weird. We're all weird!! Or at least, crap at communicating...
Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.
GOLD Member
Basu gasu bakuhatsu - because sometimes buses explode
1,584 posts
Location: Angels Landing, USA
Basu gasu bakuhatsu - because sometimes buses explode
1,584 posts
Location: Angels Landing, USA
Posted:
We guys like sex.
No, seriously.
But to be actually useful to you... One of the most feared phrases in the english language is "we need to talk". Relationships = communication. Serious relationships = multiple levels of communication. If a relationship has trouble, it's usually a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
So you have to find some way of talking with him without telling him that you need to talk. Because doing so will (from what you've told us) make you both uncomfortable to the extreme.
But be genuine. It's the worst advice you can give but I'll give it to you. "Be yourself". Spill out and tell him how you feel. Even of you don't manage to reel him in the end you'll feel better for having said it, and for all the time you've spent together.
Guys have huge egos and pride in themselves, and yet we have feelings too. Most of us won't ever admit it but we're fragile things, and afraid of getting our feelings hurt maybe even more so than girls.
So to sum it up, suck it up and let him know how you feel. It is the beginning no matter what response you get, either one to stay together, or one to move on and find one who will love you simply for who you are.
It is not people's perfections that make them perfect for each other, but their imperfections.
I'm sure you'll catch one who's perfectly imperfect for you.
G'luck doll
*goes back to minding his Shelly <3<3<3
We guys like sex.
No, seriously.
But to be actually useful to you... One of the most feared phrases in the english language is "we need to talk". Relationships = communication. Serious relationships = multiple levels of communication. If a relationship has trouble, it's usually a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
So you have to find some way of talking with him without telling him that you need to talk. Because doing so will (from what you've told us) make you both uncomfortable to the extreme.
But be genuine. It's the worst advice you can give but I'll give it to you. "Be yourself". Spill out and tell him how you feel. Even of you don't manage to reel him in the end you'll feel better for having said it, and for all the time you've spent together.
Guys have huge egos and pride in themselves, and yet we have feelings too. Most of us won't ever admit it but we're fragile things, and afraid of getting our feelings hurt maybe even more so than girls.
So to sum it up, suck it up and let him know how you feel. It is the beginning no matter what response you get, either one to stay together, or one to move on and find one who will love you simply for who you are.
It is not people's perfections that make them perfect for each other, but their imperfections.
I'm sure you'll catch one who's perfectly imperfect for you.
G'luck doll
*goes back to minding his Shelly <3<3<3
To do: More Firedrums 08 video?
Wildfire/US East coast fire footage
LA/EDC glow/fire footage
Fresno fire
BRONZE Member
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Posted:
kyri.... and on saturday I'll give you a real one 
yup guys are weird, I don't understand them and I AM one...
we'll chat saturday hun
kyri.... and on saturday I'll give you a real one yup guys are weird, I don't understand them and I AM one...
we'll chat saturday hun
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
BRONZE Member
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
Posted:
kyri.... and on saturday I'll give you a real one
yup guys are weird, I don't understand them and I AM one...
we'll chat saturday hun
kyri.... and on saturday I'll give you a real one yup guys are weird, I don't understand them and I AM one...
we'll chat saturday hun
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
BRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
Given that you've come all the way from America to spend time with him and be able to find out what's going to happen with you 2, I think it's fair enough to expect him to find out/decide what he feels for you... I know it's not easy when you're really not sure, but then if someone comes all that way, he should try. Don't give up trying to find out
For Kael: I was going to post the lyrics to a song "divine imperfection" on here but can't find them on the web... shall try to get them from the cd, but the singer's from Newcastle (north England) and I have no idea how much I'll be able to understand
Given that you've come all the way from America to spend time with him and be able to find out what's going to happen with you 2, I think it's fair enough to expect him to find out/decide what he feels for you... I know it's not easy when you're really not sure, but then if someone comes all that way, he should try. Don't give up trying to find out
For Kael: I was going to post the lyrics to a song "divine imperfection" on here but can't find them on the web... shall try to get them from the cd, but the singer's from Newcastle (north England) and I have no idea how much I'll be able to understand
"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)
Owner of Dragosani's left half
BRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom
Posted:
Kyri, I'm literally 15 minutes away (or maybe a bit more if you get lost
) You CAN come and talk to me if you want. About whatever problems you're having. Have a and I'll see you soon.
Ross xx
Kyri, I'm literally 15 minutes away (or maybe a bit more if you get lost
) You CAN come and talk to me if you want. About whatever problems you're having. Have a and I'll see you soon.Ross xx
After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
I well understand the imperfections thing.
I like communication and introspection tho. I guess its hypocritical of me to expect him to know when i don't know myself whats going on but i didn't like the insistance on letting go of the subject i'm not like that i like answers to things.
thanks everyone and er birgit, *how* do i keep trying to find out exactly?
and kael- yeah. its so hard in this situation tho, cause like,
a, there is such a thing as too much and thats whats been stressing me, whats been causing me to hold back on things,
b, having housemate troubles so i can't do a lot of what i'd want to,
c, i know he won't actually tell me if something is too much for him, so i have to guess... *sighs*
I well understand the imperfections thing.
I like communication and introspection tho. I guess its hypocritical of me to expect him to know when i don't know myself whats going on but i didn't like the insistance on letting go of the subject i'm not like that i like answers to things.
thanks everyone and er birgit, *how* do i keep trying to find out exactly?
and kael- yeah. its so hard in this situation tho, cause like,
a, there is such a thing as too much and thats whats been stressing me, whats been causing me to hold back on things,
b, having housemate troubles so i can't do a lot of what i'd want to,
c, i know he won't actually tell me if something is too much for him, so i have to guess... *sighs*
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
SILVER Member
....of doom!
585 posts
Location: Hastings, UK
....of doom!
585 posts
Location: Hastings, UK
Posted:
some people (guys) reeeally don't like the whole talking-about-things thing. they don't see it as necessary and its really upsetting when you need to put something across and they are refusing to listen.
however, its a difficult thing to change and possibly something you have to get used to? difficult and so frustrating but if you want him you might have to do it.
if you want him, tell him. see what he says. its not unreasonable to expect some kind of response. xx
Written by: Kyrian
I like communication and introspection tho. I guess its hypocritical of me to expect him to know when i don't know myself whats going on but i didn't like the insistance on letting go of the subject i'm not like that i like answers to things.
some people (guys) reeeally don't like the whole talking-about-things thing. they don't see it as necessary and its really upsetting when you need to put something across and they are refusing to listen.
however, its a difficult thing to change and possibly something you have to get used to? difficult and so frustrating but if you want him you might have to do it.
if you want him, tell him. see what he says. its not unreasonable to expect some kind of response. xx
BRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
Well, tell him you're only in the UK for a limited period of time, that you're not sure if you'll get the place at uni, and that if he wants you to be with him you'll have to make arrangements - and that you're only willing to make them if you feel he wants you to. Just get a provisional "yes" or a "no" from him, you don't have to go into every detail just yet. Apart from that I think squarexbear's right...
difficult situation, but you ARE only here for some time for now...
Well, tell him you're only in the UK for a limited period of time, that you're not sure if you'll get the place at uni, and that if he wants you to be with him you'll have to make arrangements - and that you're only willing to make them if you feel he wants you to. Just get a provisional "yes" or a "no" from him, you don't have to go into every detail just yet. Apart from that I think squarexbear's right...
difficult situation, but you ARE only here for some time for now...
"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)
Owner of Dragosani's left half
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
he knows. he's often pretty good at it. his issues are two-fold
1) He has trouble with hypothetical situations. Actually, i've watched this, and he really does have trouble with it, its probably the case taht anything he would work out would be wrong anyway.
2) But, more importantly, he doesn't like to stress about things he doens't know the answer to- which is good in some senses- but i want a chance to actually go thru and figure out what it is he does know (asking different questions and all that). and i have the odd feeling just now that its coming out as something else in his head than what i'm meaning it as...
sooo hard to figure things out when people have such different backgrounds to each other...
he knows. he's often pretty good at it. his issues are two-fold
1) He has trouble with hypothetical situations. Actually, i've watched this, and he really does have trouble with it, its probably the case taht anything he would work out would be wrong anyway.
2) But, more importantly, he doesn't like to stress about things he doens't know the answer to- which is good in some senses- but i want a chance to actually go thru and figure out what it is he does know (asking different questions and all that). and i have the odd feeling just now that its coming out as something else in his head than what i'm meaning it as...
sooo hard to figure things out when people have such different backgrounds to each other...
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
Sorry birgit, can you run that by me again, i'm not actually sure what you're trying to say....
Sorry birgit, can you run that by me again, i'm not actually sure what you're trying to say....
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
SILVER Member
mostly a muppet in need of distraction...
305 posts
Location: bristol, Australia
mostly a muppet in need of distraction...
305 posts
Location: bristol, Australia
Posted:
in general i think blokes minds work completely differently to girls. i would think about what you want from him at the moment( whether its commitment or just a bit of enthusiasm!) and tell him outright and just say to him - this is how im feeling have a think about whats going on and what you want and i'll see you later/ring you later.
its the only way i could get one bloke to ever collect his thoughts enough to properly talk about important things - he always said he couldnt cope if i sprang difficult/important conversations on him because he didnt know what he thought straight away and didnt want to say the wrong thing by accident.
its just a suggestion anyway...
but in the meantime, and he should appreciate the fact that you've come so far for him.
Becs x
in general i think blokes minds work completely differently to girls. i would think about what you want from him at the moment( whether its commitment or just a bit of enthusiasm!) and tell him outright and just say to him - this is how im feeling have a think about whats going on and what you want and i'll see you later/ring you later.
its the only way i could get one bloke to ever collect his thoughts enough to properly talk about important things - he always said he couldnt cope if i sprang difficult/important conversations on him because he didnt know what he thought straight away and didnt want to say the wrong thing by accident.
its just a suggestion anyway...
but in the meantime,
and he should appreciate the fact that you've come so far for him.Becs x
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
BRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)
Posted:
Excellent plan, chickpea
What I was trying to say is, make him understand that you're only in York for a limited period of time (for now), and that you'd like to get things sorted before heading off again. I don't mean any long-term plans, but just to make sure you know where you stand with him. Give him the time to think about it/find out how he feels if he needs it, but make sure you do find out while you're here.
Make any more sense?
Excellent plan, chickpea
What I was trying to say is, make him understand that you're only in York for a limited period of time (for now), and that you'd like to get things sorted before heading off again. I don't mean any long-term plans, but just to make sure you know where you stand with him. Give him the time to think about it/find out how he feels if he needs it, but make sure you do find out while you're here.
Make any more sense?
"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)
Owner of Dragosani's left half
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Kyri, honey, I think he hit the nail on the head with
I find that many of my female friends want to put labels on things. They want to hear certain words "Love," "Girlfriend," etc. from guys.
Guys, in general, are happy to volunteer these words, but sometimes we find ourselves in situations where there may not be words. Unfortunately, it's hard to find words for the situation that you're in and, to him, words may not be as important to him as you are to him. So he'd just rather have you around and not have to fret about what to call things.
I may be way off track here, but if you're expecting a word out of him, you might unfairly be projecting your neurosis (what? Kyri? Neurosis? Huh? ) onto him.
Kyri, honey, I think he hit the nail on the head with
Written by:
" why does it matter?" " can't we just be happy that we're together?"
I find that many of my female friends want to put labels on things. They want to hear certain words "Love," "Girlfriend," etc. from guys.
Guys, in general, are happy to volunteer these words, but sometimes we find ourselves in situations where there may not be words. Unfortunately, it's hard to find words for the situation that you're in and, to him, words may not be as important to him as you are to him. So he'd just rather have you around and not have to fret about what to call things.
I may be way off track here, but if you're expecting a word out of him, you might unfairly be projecting your neurosis (what? Kyri? Neurosis? Huh?
) onto him. -Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
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