Forums > Social Discussion > Ok, Parents... Howcome...
Login/Join to ParticipateBRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Hi guys
Im posting this because o9f the conflict I've had with my mum, which ended up with us not talking, and using e-mail to communicate.
Its a very ling story, so I wont be telling it from the beginning to the en, but anyway, the point is that my mum concideres everything i do as a mistake.
ok, yeah, Im not ideal, and i know where im wrong. But the thing is, i cant live the life by my mum's script. She is very wise and young in her soul, and ppl cant tell that she's much older then me when they look at us. My friends love her, and she loves them - they talk to her as to a friend. But the thing is, I'm being a headache for her. Because I dont want to choose the way of life she wants me to choose. The way of life, which consists of struggling for the future. ALWAYS struggling for the future. And when does this bright future come? This way never. Because ill be struggling for the future till the day i die.
This doesnt mean that im not studying, not working or else. Im just studyin what i want and work where i want...
Anyway, im just sad now, and i could write alot here, BUT.
The question is - Why so often we cant just be friends with our parents?...
Hi guys
Im posting this because o9f the conflict I've had with my mum, which ended up with us not talking, and using e-mail to communicate.
Its a very ling story, so I wont be telling it from the beginning to the en, but anyway, the point is that my mum concideres everything i do as a mistake.
ok, yeah, Im not ideal, and i know where im wrong. But the thing is, i cant live the life by my mum's script. She is very wise and young in her soul, and ppl cant tell that she's much older then me when they look at us. My friends love her, and she loves them - they talk to her as to a friend. But the thing is, I'm being a headache for her. Because I dont want to choose the way of life she wants me to choose. The way of life, which consists of struggling for the future. ALWAYS struggling for the future. And when does this bright future come? This way never. Because ill be struggling for the future till the day i die.
This doesnt mean that im not studying, not working or else. Im just studyin what i want and work where i want...
Anyway, im just sad now, and i could write alot here, BUT.
The question is - Why so often we cant just be friends with our parents?...
member
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
Posted:
I'm a biologist and the blood relation thing goes like this:
Your mum is designed to look after you forever, whatever the circumstances. A woman's hormones and biological make-up changes when she has a baby and this makes her attached to her child forever. The reason women go through the menopause is so that they cannot breed any more and so all their energies are put into looking after the family, by this stage the grandchildren usually (we are the only species apart from one type of whale to have the menopause) This is why mum's fuss so much, they are biologically designed to. There are of course exceptions, if the mothers homonal biology isn't quite right then she will be less inclined to look after the child (and it goes the other way; the mother can be obsessive over the child).
Men are different. Their attachment to children is more short-lived. They are designed to stay with the mother and children and provide for them (originally by hunting) until the children leave home. They are then designed to move on and breed with a different woman. Our culture has overcome this urge for the men to leave quite successfully in most cases. (This is why men find it harder to stop themselves from cheating than women do).
It may be harsh fact but its true!
I could go on for hours on this subject!
Axx
I'm a biologist and the blood relation thing goes like this:
Your mum is designed to look after you forever, whatever the circumstances. A woman's hormones and biological make-up changes when she has a baby and this makes her attached to her child forever. The reason women go through the menopause is so that they cannot breed any more and so all their energies are put into looking after the family, by this stage the grandchildren usually (we are the only species apart from one type of whale to have the menopause) This is why mum's fuss so much, they are biologically designed to. There are of course exceptions, if the mothers homonal biology isn't quite right then she will be less inclined to look after the child (and it goes the other way; the mother can be obsessive over the child).
Men are different. Their attachment to children is more short-lived. They are designed to stay with the mother and children and provide for them (originally by hunting) until the children leave home. They are then designed to move on and breed with a different woman. Our culture has overcome this urge for the men to leave quite successfully in most cases. (This is why men find it harder to stop themselves from cheating than women do).
It may be harsh fact but its true!
I could go on for hours on this subject!
Axx
Usually me on fire (rather than flames being amber coloured)
SILVER Member
veteran
1,389 posts
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada
veteran
1,389 posts
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada
Posted:
Well, I can say that definately isn't true in my family.
(For some background, I've been 6.5 months on an exchange in Europe, I'm 16 yrs old, and go back in July) According to what you've said, my mum should've had more problems. Not so. My dad had the hardest time - and still does - with letting me come here. Before I left even, my fatehr and I have had disagreements. I know that I love my parents both tons, but now that they're divorcing, I've had to choose who I want to live with. I've chosen my mom.
This is because of my father's (somewhat) inability to let go a bit, let me live, and become who I want to be. He is less acceptable to change. Whereas my mother doesn't hold on so tight for control, knows I need to do my own thing, and that she trusts me,. My father says he trusts me, but not where I'm going/ the people I'm with.
there've been other things in our relationship that tell me that he is trying to hold onto his little girl. Instead, I'm growing up, and becoming more and more indipendant. Now, more than ever, he is acting like a teenager, when I am the teen! But... things are really hard right now in my family, and he is really sad alot... But there's really not much that I can do at the moment.
A lot of these problems, with the parents wanting their children to do something else happened to my older brother. He went into Uni, a strong Geography student, and changed to Philosophy and Religions. My parents didn't like it. They know, I know, HE knows that he won't be able to do much with a BA in Philo. and Rel. There was a struggle, but somehow they figured it out. My bro is still doing phiol and rel....
He's got no clue as to what he'll do, really!
~ Bobo
Written by: Amber Flames
I'm a biologist and the blood relation thing goes like this:
Your mum is designed to look after you forever, whatever the circumstances. A woman's hormones and biological make-up changes when she has a baby and this makes her attached to her child forever...
Men are different. Their attachment to children is more short-lived.
Well, I can say that definately isn't true in my family.
(For some background, I've been 6.5 months on an exchange in Europe, I'm 16 yrs old, and go back in July) According to what you've said, my mum should've had more problems. Not so. My dad had the hardest time - and still does - with letting me come here. Before I left even, my fatehr and I have had disagreements. I know that I love my parents both tons, but now that they're divorcing, I've had to choose who I want to live with. I've chosen my mom.
This is because of my father's (somewhat) inability to let go a bit, let me live, and become who I want to be. He is less acceptable to change. Whereas my mother doesn't hold on so tight for control, knows I need to do my own thing, and that she trusts me,. My father says he trusts me, but not where I'm going/ the people I'm with.
there've been other things in our relationship that tell me that he is trying to hold onto his little girl. Instead, I'm growing up, and becoming more and more indipendant. Now, more than ever, he is acting like a teenager, when I am the teen! But... things are really hard right now in my family, and he is really sad alot... But there's really not much that I can do at the moment.
A lot of these problems, with the parents wanting their children to do something else happened to my older brother. He went into Uni, a strong Geography student, and changed to Philosophy and Religions. My parents didn't like it. They know, I know, HE knows that he won't be able to do much with a BA in Philo. and Rel. There was a struggle, but somehow they figured it out. My bro is still doing phiol and rel....
He's got no clue as to what he'll do, really!~ Bobo
wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier
member
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
Posted:
The biology stuff I was talking about is what happens on the most basic level, of course there is a huge amount of other stuff that affects us throughout our lives but what you have told me does seem to fit with what I was saying.
I didn't mean that because mum's are incredibly attached they won't let us do anything (my mum is much happier for me to go off travelling than my dad is), they just want the best for us.
Fathers can find it hard to let their daughters go because they like to look after the women, they are protective over us, its in their nature.
Axx
The biology stuff I was talking about is what happens on the most basic level, of course there is a huge amount of other stuff that affects us throughout our lives but what you have told me does seem to fit with what I was saying.
I didn't mean that because mum's are incredibly attached they won't let us do anything (my mum is much happier for me to go off travelling than my dad is), they just want the best for us.
Fathers can find it hard to let their daughters go because they like to look after the women, they are protective over us, its in their nature.
Axx
Usually me on fire (rather than flames being amber coloured)
lovable smart-ass
785 posts
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
785 posts
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Posted:
russkie roditeli otchen otlitchautsa ot drugich stran.
i have the same problems........
russkie roditeli otchen otlitchautsa ot drugich stran.
i have the same problems........
"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Thanq Spanner =) It seems that you understand exactly what i mean inspite of the lack of words in my English, that doesnt let me express the thought.
And thank all of you, who posted here expressing their feelings
P.S. Than doesnt mean the thread is closed lol
Thanq Spanner =) It seems that you understand exactly what i mean inspite of the lack of words in my English, that doesnt let me express the thought.
And thank all of you, who posted here expressing their feelings
P.S. Than doesnt mean the thread is closed lol
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
and yeah, Konsti, indeed, they are a bit different. Eto souz, chtoli, perestroyka i prochee, chto delaet ih takimi?
and yeah, Konsti, indeed, they are a bit different. Eto souz, chtoli, perestroyka i prochee, chto delaet ih takimi?
lovable smart-ass
785 posts
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
785 posts
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Posted:
"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer
BRONZE Member
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
Posted:
First of all, all kids *think* they are headaches to their parents. They are not (usually). Their actions, their decisions, etc. might be but a good parent knows the difference between a choice and the fundamental person thier child is. At least, I hope they do. My son gives me a headache when he makes bad choices and talks in circles trying to justify it but *HE* never gives me a headache. Even when in the throws of a fight, when I don't like him so much, I still love him to pieces with all of my heart. I think that is a pretty normal thing. However, we, as children, tend to take things personally and put the blame on "Our parents don't like us.", which is usually not the case at all.
Next, it is not "a card" that parents play and I really resent that remark. When my son is hurt, when he fails at something, when he is upset, when he gets into trouble and I have to punish him... it does affect me, and it does hurt me, sometimes to the point where I cry right along with him. And in retrospect, I also know it hurt my mom the same way with me. Watching your child make questionable choices is an *extremely* painful thing to do as a parent, because we love our children and want them to be successful at everything they put thier hearts into it, but we also know realistically that some endeavors will be easier and less painful for the child than others, which is why parents tend to encourage children towards "safe" career paths. And when the child is 30 and is still struggling to make ends meat, it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you want your child to not only be happy but to have more than what you did.
Oh yes, it really does hurt me as well. I would never be presumptuous and say it hurts me more than my son, but it hurts me just as much, in a different way.
Written by: Spanner
Quite why you're a headache to your mum, I have no idea: you're healthy, you're studying and you're working, which is much more than a lot of people can say of their own children. So becoming an artist is hardly going to drag you down and whatever your mum says, it's not really going to hurt her, although parents do like to play that card when all else fails
First of all, all kids *think* they are headaches to their parents. They are not (usually). Their actions, their decisions, etc. might be but a good parent knows the difference between a choice and the fundamental person thier child is. At least, I hope they do. My son gives me a headache when he makes bad choices and talks in circles trying to justify it but *HE* never gives me a headache. Even when in the throws of a fight, when I don't like him so much, I still love him to pieces with all of my heart. I think that is a pretty normal thing. However, we, as children, tend to take things personally and put the blame on "Our parents don't like us.", which is usually not the case at all.
Next, it is not "a card" that parents play and I really resent that remark. When my son is hurt, when he fails at something, when he is upset, when he gets into trouble and I have to punish him... it does affect me, and it does hurt me, sometimes to the point where I cry right along with him. And in retrospect, I also know it hurt my mom the same way with me. Watching your child make questionable choices is an *extremely* painful thing to do as a parent, because we love our children and want them to be successful at everything they put thier hearts into it, but we also know realistically that some endeavors will be easier and less painful for the child than others, which is why parents tend to encourage children towards "safe" career paths. And when the child is 30 and is still struggling to make ends meat, it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you want your child to not only be happy but to have more than what you did.
Oh yes, it really does hurt me as well. I would never be presumptuous and say it hurts me more than my son, but it hurts me just as much, in a different way.
Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Dear Pele and Spanner,
The thing is, I've been living apart from my mum for 3 years already, and I live with my boyfriend, and we earn money for our life etc.
So I cant actually classify myself as a kid, actually. And all the things about parents being conserned and worried about their dhildrens' future are absolutely normal. I have no doubt, that when I have my own kids, Ill be always worried about them- first about raising them healthy and aducated, then about teenager stuff, then about their future, universities and all that. What i am talking about now, is the wish of my very stong, wize, and definitely, awesome mum (who's my best friend by the way) to live absolutely the opposite way from the way i am trying to choose for myself. From her point of view, im supposed to do economics, or smth like that, work at some huge serious office for very small money to have an upportunity of changing the company some day for more money, more status, and all that. As for me, im a different person, im not her, and that doesnt mean that i dont listen to her advices, when she tries to prevent me from repeating her mistakes, or loosing some upportunities. Im different because i am choosing another way of life, eith different goals and different future.
My environment is away from huge businessmen and from ppl, who work from 8 to 8 to just earn money. I am trying to make my life interesting. I am doing PR in electronic music, and i have the office, where i need to appear every day at 11 in the morning and stay there till 8 in the evening, im doing my job, loving it and earning money. Yes, i left my university, but not because i dont want to study, but because im entering another one this summer to get a serious management and producing aducation. I have a boyfriend, and our life goes its way. Maybe its not perfect, but were working on our future together. But my mum wants me to change the way i live - change the job, the choices i made and the future i chose. She wants me to be a better variant of herself. Thats what the problem is.
Dear Pele and Spanner,
The thing is, I've been living apart from my mum for 3 years already, and I live with my boyfriend, and we earn money for our life etc.
So I cant actually classify myself as a kid, actually. And all the things about parents being conserned and worried about their dhildrens' future are absolutely normal. I have no doubt, that when I have my own kids, Ill be always worried about them- first about raising them healthy and aducated, then about teenager stuff, then about their future, universities and all that. What i am talking about now, is the wish of my very stong, wize, and definitely, awesome mum (who's my best friend by the way) to live absolutely the opposite way from the way i am trying to choose for myself. From her point of view, im supposed to do economics, or smth like that, work at some huge serious office for very small money to have an upportunity of changing the company some day for more money, more status, and all that. As for me, im a different person, im not her, and that doesnt mean that i dont listen to her advices, when she tries to prevent me from repeating her mistakes, or loosing some upportunities. Im different because i am choosing another way of life, eith different goals and different future.
My environment is away from huge businessmen and from ppl, who work from 8 to 8 to just earn money. I am trying to make my life interesting. I am doing PR in electronic music, and i have the office, where i need to appear every day at 11 in the morning and stay there till 8 in the evening, im doing my job, loving it and earning money. Yes, i left my university, but not because i dont want to study, but because im entering another one this summer to get a serious management and producing aducation. I have a boyfriend, and our life goes its way. Maybe its not perfect, but were working on our future together. But my mum wants me to change the way i live - change the job, the choices i made and the future i chose. She wants me to be a better variant of herself. Thats what the problem is.
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Posted:
Heh - I forgot to mention that my father just about completely spazed out when I started studying art at university!
I eventually wound up with my major in physics and minor in studio arts though. he actually opposed me going into physics as well once I decided to switch programs abd go to grad school...
anyway, your mom just wants you to be safe. but it is your life and your choice to what risks you take career-wise. No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there.
Heh - I forgot to mention that my father just about completely spazed out when I started studying art at university!
I eventually wound up with my major in physics and minor in studio arts though. he actually opposed me going into physics as well once I decided to switch programs abd go to grad school...
anyway, your mom just wants you to be safe. but it is your life and your choice to what risks you take career-wise. No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there.
-v-
Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Yes, Vanize, thats exactly what im talking about. And even if i do everything the way my mum wants, theres no insurance that nothing happens to me. A brick can fall from the roof and make me stupid. *nice example, So*
By the way, any news about your visit to Moscow?
Yes, Vanize, thats exactly what im talking about. And even if i do everything the way my mum wants, theres no insurance that nothing happens to me. A brick can fall from the roof and make me stupid. *nice example, So*
By the way, any news about your visit to Moscow?
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
"No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there."
Yep very true.
"No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there."
Yep very true.
Getting to the other side 
SILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
Hello Mad Doctor,
'But most have the sense to not pester their ADULT kids about it EVERY DANG DAY. My mom doesn't. She wants details on every detail of my life. Have I done my taxes? Have I made my bed? Am I living in squalor?'
My friend had exactly this problem, his mum rang him at least once a day when he left home for college to check he was ok. In the end, he decided to start ringing her every five minutes to tell her what he was doing...
'Hi mum, i've just got on the 140 bus, there's an old man on it who smells of wee. I'm reading the paper now, it's got this on the cover, blah blah blah e.t.c.'
It worked! She just got fed up of him calling her ALL THE TIME and asked him to stop after a few days! Then he told her not to phone him all the time cos it bugged him, and point was taken.
Back to general topic, my mum and I never got on well until recently, we have very different opinions and world views on just about everything and we're both very stubborn. Thing is, I've been fiercely independent from a young age, and my mother always saw this as me rejecting her (I didn't realise this at the time, of course, I just wanted to get on with things by myself). I always felt that what she wanted from me was completely different from what I wanted myself. I challenged her opinions on this all the time, but it just led to huge arguments. I ended up defiant, I treated their home like it was a hotel and my parents as though they were an inconvenience. (I was a Kevin! Oh no!)
Since moving out my attitude's changed, my parent's have changed theirs too. I realised I could just shut them out and not answer their calls if they made me unhappy, also my mum realised that's what happens when she just rings me to argue and shout at me about spending too much money/careers/drugs e.t.c. So she started calling me just to ask how I was, we started talking about our (few) common interests instead of things we disagree with. She started to listen to me! Now we get on much better. She recently told me she doesn't care what class degree I get or what job I want when I finish studying. She's generally pleased with me so long as i'm happy and I look after myself.
All parents worry, some go a step further and are damn scared of what the outcome will be for their kids. Bottom line is, all relationships change and evolve with time. I know when you have a negative relationship with a parent it can be soul destroying, it feels like you'll just keep hurting them and they'll keep hurting you forever, just because you want to be yourself. I used shock tactics, but this was slow and painful and I burnt lots of bridges with my mum that I'm still trying to rebuild now. When stressed about these things, just remember that your parents are still growing as people too. Openness, patience and understanding are key.
Wow! longest post I've ever done. I obviously still love ranting on about my folks!
Hello Mad Doctor,
'But most have the sense to not pester their ADULT kids about it EVERY DANG DAY. My mom doesn't. She wants details on every detail of my life. Have I done my taxes? Have I made my bed? Am I living in squalor?'
My friend had exactly this problem, his mum rang him at least once a day when he left home for college to check he was ok. In the end, he decided to start ringing her every five minutes to tell her what he was doing...
'Hi mum, i've just got on the 140 bus, there's an old man on it who smells of wee. I'm reading the paper now, it's got this on the cover, blah blah blah e.t.c.'
It worked! She just got fed up of him calling her ALL THE TIME and asked him to stop after a few days! Then he told her not to phone him all the time cos it bugged him, and point was taken.
Back to general topic, my mum and I never got on well until recently, we have very different opinions and world views on just about everything and we're both very stubborn. Thing is, I've been fiercely independent from a young age, and my mother always saw this as me rejecting her (I didn't realise this at the time, of course, I just wanted to get on with things by myself). I always felt that what she wanted from me was completely different from what I wanted myself. I challenged her opinions on this all the time, but it just led to huge arguments. I ended up defiant, I treated their home like it was a hotel and my parents as though they were an inconvenience. (I was a Kevin! Oh no!)
Since moving out my attitude's changed, my parent's have changed theirs too. I realised I could just shut them out and not answer their calls if they made me unhappy, also my mum realised that's what happens when she just rings me to argue and shout at me about spending too much money/careers/drugs e.t.c. So she started calling me just to ask how I was, we started talking about our (few) common interests instead of things we disagree with. She started to listen to me! Now we get on much better. She recently told me she doesn't care what class degree I get or what job I want when I finish studying. She's generally pleased with me so long as i'm happy and I look after myself.
All parents worry, some go a step further and are damn scared of what the outcome will be for their kids. Bottom line is, all relationships change and evolve with time. I know when you have a negative relationship with a parent it can be soul destroying, it feels like you'll just keep hurting them and they'll keep hurting you forever, just because you want to be yourself. I used shock tactics, but this was slow and painful and I burnt lots of bridges with my mum that I'm still trying to rebuild now. When stressed about these things, just remember that your parents are still growing as people too. Openness, patience and understanding are key.
Wow! longest post I've ever done. I obviously still love ranting on about my folks!
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
SILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
P.S. Ooops! Never got to reading the second page before posting this, so sorry if i've gone over old territory or caused offence I thought i'd read all there was.
P.S. Ooops! Never got to reading the second page before posting this, so sorry if i've gone over old territory or caused offence I thought i'd read all there was.
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Hmmm... Thank you.
Written by: The Tea Fairy
Hello Mad Doctor,
My friend had exactly this problem, his mum rang him at least once a day when he left home for college to check he was ok. In the end, he decided to start ringing her every five minutes to tell her what he was doing...
'Hi mum, i've just got on the 140 bus, there's an old man on it who smells of wee. I'm reading the paper now, it's got this on the cover, blah blah blah e.t.c.'
Hmmm... Thank you. -Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Written by: Spanner
When I talk about you being your mum's child, _So_, I'm not calling you a kid - I just mean that we're always our parents' children, however old we are
Not at all, you dont seem patronising at all, actually, you're being very sweet instead =)
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