Forums > Social Discussion > Ok, Parents... Howcome...
Login/Join to ParticipateBRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Hi guys
Im posting this because o9f the conflict I've had with my mum, which ended up with us not talking, and using e-mail to communicate.
Its a very ling story, so I wont be telling it from the beginning to the en, but anyway, the point is that my mum concideres everything i do as a mistake.
ok, yeah, Im not ideal, and i know where im wrong. But the thing is, i cant live the life by my mum's script. She is very wise and young in her soul, and ppl cant tell that she's much older then me when they look at us. My friends love her, and she loves them - they talk to her as to a friend. But the thing is, I'm being a headache for her. Because I dont want to choose the way of life she wants me to choose. The way of life, which consists of struggling for the future. ALWAYS struggling for the future. And when does this bright future come? This way never. Because ill be struggling for the future till the day i die.
This doesnt mean that im not studying, not working or else. Im just studyin what i want and work where i want...
Anyway, im just sad now, and i could write alot here, BUT.
The question is - Why so often we cant just be friends with our parents?...
Hi guys
Im posting this because o9f the conflict I've had with my mum, which ended up with us not talking, and using e-mail to communicate.
Its a very ling story, so I wont be telling it from the beginning to the en, but anyway, the point is that my mum concideres everything i do as a mistake.
ok, yeah, Im not ideal, and i know where im wrong. But the thing is, i cant live the life by my mum's script. She is very wise and young in her soul, and ppl cant tell that she's much older then me when they look at us. My friends love her, and she loves them - they talk to her as to a friend. But the thing is, I'm being a headache for her. Because I dont want to choose the way of life she wants me to choose. The way of life, which consists of struggling for the future. ALWAYS struggling for the future. And when does this bright future come? This way never. Because ill be struggling for the future till the day i die.
This doesnt mean that im not studying, not working or else. Im just studyin what i want and work where i want...
Anyway, im just sad now, and i could write alot here, BUT.
The question is - Why so often we cant just be friends with our parents?...
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
through the course of their lives parents learn a way of being that allowed them to be safe and survive in the world, because they want whats best for their children they want to impart this knowledge/values. Your mum wants to protect you and save you from suffering so she is trying to get you to follow the way of being that kept her safe in the world.
through the course of their lives parents learn a way of being that allowed them to be safe and survive in the world, because they want whats best for their children they want to impart this knowledge/values. Your mum wants to protect you and save you from suffering so she is trying to get you to follow the way of being that kept her safe in the world.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
Sometimes sword wofter
199 posts
Location: Edinburgh
199 posts
Location: Edinburgh
Posted:
My parents are similar without being the young souls. They have worked hard their entire lives, as they still do, to "provide" some mythical benefit for me and my sibling. They love us and try to do everything that is in their opinion best for us and yet probably the only thing we really wanted from them was some time together.
They don't like it when I ask why it is that they always work so hard, why they have to leave for work at 6am and get home past 8 or 9pm. They don't like it when I ask what benefit they have gained from this "struggling for the future" as you so aptly put it. As far as I can see they have after 20years of their life attained a few fragile and momentary physical comforts at the sake of actually living their lives which they will never be able to regain.
They've hasseled me to find a "good" job and do the "right" thing but then have been considerably vauge as to what that entails. Usually they kind of hint that I'm not doing a "good" job or the "right" thing but when I ask directly they say "as long as you are doing what makes you happy..." which is non-sense because when I do something they approve of they back me 100% and it's amazing and when I do something they don't they just continually question it and undermine it.
In answer (from my perspective): when cannot be friends because our parents see us as their legacy as opposed to individual people in our own regard.
My parents are similar without being the young souls. They have worked hard their entire lives, as they still do, to "provide" some mythical benefit for me and my sibling. They love us and try to do everything that is in their opinion best for us and yet probably the only thing we really wanted from them was some time together.
They don't like it when I ask why it is that they always work so hard, why they have to leave for work at 6am and get home past 8 or 9pm. They don't like it when I ask what benefit they have gained from this "struggling for the future" as you so aptly put it. As far as I can see they have after 20years of their life attained a few fragile and momentary physical comforts at the sake of actually living their lives which they will never be able to regain.
They've hasseled me to find a "good" job and do the "right" thing but then have been considerably vauge as to what that entails. Usually they kind of hint that I'm not doing a "good" job or the "right" thing but when I ask directly they say "as long as you are doing what makes you happy..." which is non-sense because when I do something they approve of they back me 100% and it's amazing and when I do something they don't they just continually question it and undermine it.
In answer (from my perspective): when cannot be friends because our parents see us as their legacy as opposed to individual people in our own regard.
IMPORTANT: Any views or opinions are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of a sane person.
"just get the f**k on with it and make me the anti-christ already!"
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
bonzai if you had believed in something so strongly, that as you put it, you had sacrificed actually living your life to achieve it, do u think you think the possibility that you had wasted your life and that your sacrifice had been in vain would be pleasant?
imho one of the hardest things to do is not see the error in someone elses logic, (or your own) but to see whether they are receptive to change. To know when to bring their beliefs into question and when to adapt your behaviour to fit with their picture of the world for the simplicity of peace.
bonzai if you had believed in something so strongly, that as you put it, you had sacrificed actually living your life to achieve it, do u think you think the possibility that you had wasted your life and that your sacrifice had been in vain would be pleasant?
imho one of the hardest things to do is not see the error in someone elses logic, (or your own) but to see whether they are receptive to change. To know when to bring their beliefs into question and when to adapt your behaviour to fit with their picture of the world for the simplicity of peace.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
Sometimes sword wofter
199 posts
Location: Edinburgh
199 posts
Location: Edinburgh
Posted:
You ask some really bizarre questions...is that the impression that you got from what I wrote?
To clarify: I do not question because I think they would be pleased or that they would find it enjoyable. I question because I care for them and they care for me.
I am trying to help them regardless of the potential momentary pain because they are living a life that is not making them happy. It disturbs me that my parents have no idea what it is that they believe in "so strongly" that they have sacrificed their entire lives for it. The sad truth is that they have to push on to the future because if they stop they are going to have to face this hard truth. They have to push me and mess my life up because if I go and do my own thing and find real happiness they are going to have to face this harsh truth.
No. We should always be true to ourselves and our loved ones at all times. Lieing or deceiving people to spare them the momentary pain of facing the particular reality of a situation is displaying a lack of courage and a lack of a true understanding of what is best for those who are close to us.
Tact is allowable but living a lie is completely wrong.
Written by: ben-ja-men
bonzai if you had believed in something so strongly, that as you put it, you had sacrificed actually living your life to achieve it, do u think you think the possibility that you had wasted your life and that your sacrifice had been in vain would be pleasant?
You ask some really bizarre questions...is that the impression that you got from what I wrote?
To clarify: I do not question because I think they would be pleased or that they would find it enjoyable. I question because I care for them and they care for me.
I am trying to help them regardless of the potential momentary pain because they are living a life that is not making them happy. It disturbs me that my parents have no idea what it is that they believe in "so strongly" that they have sacrificed their entire lives for it. The sad truth is that they have to push on to the future because if they stop they are going to have to face this hard truth. They have to push me and mess my life up because if I go and do my own thing and find real happiness they are going to have to face this harsh truth.
Written by: ben-ja-men
when to adapt your behaviour to fit with their picture of the world for the simplicity of peace.
No. We should always be true to ourselves and our loved ones at all times. Lieing or deceiving people to spare them the momentary pain of facing the particular reality of a situation is displaying a lack of courage and a lack of a true understanding of what is best for those who are close to us.
Tact is allowable but living a lie is completely wrong.
IMPORTANT: Any views or opinions are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of a sane person.
"just get the f**k on with it and make me the anti-christ already!"
Master of the Munchkins
246 posts
246 posts
Posted:
lying is wrong, but we all do it, even if we dont mean to, i know that i lie loads, about petty little things that no1 cares about, and i wud love not to but i cant stop myself, but sometimes i lie to save grief, i told my mum i was goin out to get sum money, wen i was actually gettin stuff 4 my brother, cos she wud hav interogated me otherwise, and it was just so much easier to lie in the short term, of course in the long term it sucks
lying is wrong, but we all do it, even if we dont mean to, i know that i lie loads, about petty little things that no1 cares about, and i wud love not to but i cant stop myself, but sometimes i lie to save grief, i told my mum i was goin out to get sum money, wen i was actually gettin stuff 4 my brother, cos she wud hav interogated me otherwise, and it was just so much easier to lie in the short term, of course in the long term it sucks
Are you that clever that you smile forever? 
What's from the Earth is of the greatest worth
Internet Hate Machine
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Posted:
at the mo, im trying 2 get down to falmouth, but my parents wont let me go alone, travel with a stranger, and all my friends are engaged in other things (poor sods). So at the moment im engineering some "flase truth" (ok... a lie) so i can get down there.
I feel guilty, but i so wanna go.
A bit more on topic... my mum is very open and easy going, but she still wants me to be safe.. it can be quite annoying. I cant even go up the street without my bro.. (even then, ive been mugged occasionly.. )
at the mo, im trying 2 get down to falmouth, but my parents wont let me go alone, travel with a stranger, and all my friends are engaged in other things (poor sods). So at the moment im engineering some "flase truth" (ok... a lie) so i can get down there.
I feel guilty, but i so wanna go.
A bit more on topic... my mum is very open and easy going, but she still wants me to be safe.. it can be quite annoying. I cant even go up the street without my bro.. (even then, ive been mugged occasionly..
) The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
SILVER Member
member
112 posts
Location: UT, Sweden
member
112 posts
Location: UT, Sweden
Posted:
<--- has strict religous parents
When I told them that I spun fire for the first time when I was away at college... let's just say that things got 'interesting'.
As for why my parents and yours are like that, my only guess is that they are trying to look out for us, but at the same time it is as though they don't quite trust us. For example I tried to meet up with a few other people that spun, and my parents flipped out. But for a good reason, when I talked to my parents about the meet up, it quickly came up that I only knew these people from online, and my parrents didn't like the idea of me meeting people from online. I trusted the community, I knew that nothing bad was going to happen, however my parents didn't like the idea of me going out just to meet strangers that I only knew from online.
It's a fine line that you have to walk when dealing with parents. Just be happy that they are protective instead of letting you do whatever you want and letting you get into massive amounts of trouble.
<--- has strict religous parents
When I told them that I spun fire for the first time when I was away at college... let's just say that things got 'interesting'.
As for why my parents and yours are like that, my only guess is that they are trying to look out for us, but at the same time it is as though they don't quite trust us. For example I tried to meet up with a few other people that spun, and my parents flipped out. But for a good reason, when I talked to my parents about the meet up, it quickly came up that I only knew these people from online, and my parrents didn't like the idea of me meeting people from online. I trusted the community, I knew that nothing bad was going to happen, however my parents didn't like the idea of me going out just to meet strangers that I only knew from online.
It's a fine line that you have to walk when dealing with parents. Just be happy that they are protective instead of letting you do whatever you want and letting you get into massive amounts of trouble.
missegyptology: I'm gonna be a terrorist when I grow up anyway
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
Written by: bonzaiwhat i was getting at is that if you question without having an alternative that they are capable of embracing in a practical way it leaves an unpleasant empty void. very different to taking the time to educating them in an alternative way through experiences that they can make their own.
To clarify: I do not question because I think they would be pleased or that they would find it enjoyable. I question because I care for them and they care for me.
The sad truth is that they have to push on to the future because if they stop they are going to have to face this hard truth.
Written by: bonzaii agree, perhaps an example of what i ment, personally i dont agree with the christian institutions accepting things on faith, my nana was a devout christian so when we had dinner with her i would say the lords prayer because it made her happy and i would never mention spiritual ideas to her or getting dressed up as the devil because she was happy and firm in her beliefs.
No. We should always be true to ourselves and our loved ones at all times.
Tact is allowable but living a lie is completely wrong.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
member
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
58 posts
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). At Uni in Stirling
Posted:
I'm really lucky in that my mum is one of my best friends and that my parents aren't pushy but they are partly like that because of the way I am with them.
Of course your mum is going to have some ideas of how you should live your life, she has learnt from her good and bad times and wants to pass that knowledge on to you, its a kind thing that she is doing really, even though it is really annoying!
I find that if I am really excited about learning something new or taking a course or finding a job and I convey this to my parents then they are genuinley pleased that I am happy and they stop being pushy about me not doing what they think I should. As soon as they can see you progressing in something that you love they should stop hasselling you about something else. I also find it helps if I can tell them why something I am doing now will help me in the future.
E.g. I phone them up and say in an excited voice 'Wow, I just found out about this amazing thing called poi, its a Moari thing that has been developing in the rest of the world, the hunters use it for building up the strength in their arms and for improving their coordination and the women turned it into a beautiful kind of dance. There is a club locally so I'm going to join it and meet loads of new people, I think it will be really good for me...Blah blah blah...'
She can't help but be pleased! And if you take this approach to everything you tell your mum about, even if its actually quite mundane, then she will start to think that you are really taking control of your life and getting yourself sorted out and this should stop her hasseling you.
It worked with my parents anyway! Good luck!
Axx
I'm really lucky in that my mum is one of my best friends and that my parents aren't pushy but they are partly like that because of the way I am with them.
Of course your mum is going to have some ideas of how you should live your life, she has learnt from her good and bad times and wants to pass that knowledge on to you, its a kind thing that she is doing really, even though it is really annoying!
I find that if I am really excited about learning something new or taking a course or finding a job and I convey this to my parents then they are genuinley pleased that I am happy and they stop being pushy about me not doing what they think I should. As soon as they can see you progressing in something that you love they should stop hasselling you about something else. I also find it helps if I can tell them why something I am doing now will help me in the future.
E.g. I phone them up and say in an excited voice 'Wow, I just found out about this amazing thing called poi, its a Moari thing that has been developing in the rest of the world, the hunters use it for building up the strength in their arms and for improving their coordination and the women turned it into a beautiful kind of dance. There is a club locally so I'm going to join it and meet loads of new people, I think it will be really good for me...Blah blah blah...'
She can't help but be pleased! And if you take this approach to everything you tell your mum about, even if its actually quite mundane, then she will start to think that you are really taking control of your life and getting yourself sorted out and this should stop her hasseling you.
It worked with my parents anyway! Good luck!
Axx
Usually me on fire (rather than flames being amber coloured)
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
It never stops. Here I am weeks away from graduating medical school, a bright future ahead of me, happy, functional, and thriving.
And my mom worries. She worries that she won't get grandkids. She worries about me in general. She worries that I eat too much. She wories that I don't eat enough. She worries that I exercise too much. She worries that I don't exercise enough. She worries and worries and worries.
And parents do this, I get it. But most have the sense to not pester their ADULT kids about it EVERY DANG DAY. My mom doesn't. She wants details on every detail of my life. Have I done my taxes? Have I made my bed? Am I living in squalor?
And she won't stop. No amount of evidence that I can function without her constant nagging has convinced her of this.
I think it's all parents. But some are better at controlling it than others.
It never stops. Here I am weeks away from graduating medical school, a bright future ahead of me, happy, functional, and thriving.
And my mom worries. She worries that she won't get grandkids. She worries about me in general. She worries that I eat too much. She wories that I don't eat enough. She worries that I exercise too much. She worries that I don't exercise enough. She worries and worries and worries.
And parents do this, I get it. But most have the sense to not pester their ADULT kids about it EVERY DANG DAY. My mom doesn't. She wants details on every detail of my life. Have I done my taxes? Have I made my bed? Am I living in squalor?
And she won't stop. No amount of evidence that I can function without her constant nagging has convinced her of this.
I think it's all parents. But some are better at controlling it than others.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
Yeh, Ben, to your first post- what you're talking about is an obvious thing. And everybody knows it. But what im talking about is when these things happen, when childrean are different, not like their parents, where does this deep connection (parebt-child) go? Why dont parents just support their children morally? Why arent they glad that thir healthy, non-alcoholic/drug addict etc. children live their own happy life? Thats what im talking about. "you live wrong, you should be an economist, not an artist" - thats an example of their words
Yeh, Ben, to your first post- what you're talking about is an obvious thing. And everybody knows it. But what im talking about is when these things happen, when childrean are different, not like their parents, where does this deep connection (parebt-child) go? Why dont parents just support their children morally? Why arent they glad that thir healthy, non-alcoholic/drug addict etc. children live their own happy life? Thats what im talking about. "you live wrong, you should be an economist, not an artist" - thats an example of their words
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
and what im trying to put up here is not the habit of our parents to WORRY for us. I am really gratefull that my parents are trying to pass their life knowledge to me, and for everything they do. They sure will always worry for me when im away and all that, but the thing is, that they want me to do what they consider right. They have their own vision of my future, and our vivions match in the only thing - we all want eachother to be happy. But! I cant be happy doing the things that they didnt manage to do in their time. Im not happy to live my life by theшк model. I want my life. Not someone elses.
and what im trying to put up here is not the habit of our parents to WORRY for us. I am really gratefull that my parents are trying to pass their life knowledge to me, and for everything they do. They sure will always worry for me when im away and all that, but the thing is, that they want me to do what they consider right. They have their own vision of my future, and our vivions match in the only thing - we all want eachother to be happy. But! I cant be happy doing the things that they didnt manage to do in their time. Im not happy to live my life by theшк model. I want my life. Not someone elses.
BRONZE Member
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
Posted:
Let's see....
Many parents work so hard and "struggle for the future" not so that *they* can have things but so that *you*, their beloved children, can have a better start than they did. That is not something always comfortable but it is a sacrifice worth doing.
Example: My mother (born in 1941 for reference) wanted to be a beautician, which was huge back in her day. Instead, she got married, followed my father around for his military career and had two girls. When he left the military they bought a home and settled down. At that point she still could have had her career as she was only in her 30's but instead they ended up taking in foster children and adopting me. She gave up all of her dreams to offer me the chance to live all of mine. It hurts her. I see it in her eyes when we talk about it but she says she would never trade it.
As for parents being friends, they aren't supposed to be. They are your parents. They are supposed to guide you through mistakes, support your crazy endeavors but tell you that they are crazy, to help you figure out where your morals are and how to make good decisions. And trust me, that job doesn't end when you hit the teens, it is just beginning to get really hard at that point. Friends you are supposed to hang with, will tell you everything is alright (which half the time is a lie), figure out ways to get you in trouble (where your parents are there to get you out), etc. There is a big difference between friends and parents.
And simply being able to talk doesn't make friends. My son and I, at this point (he just turned 10), can talk about anything and everything but in the end, he is my son first. He has no delusions of us being friends and my not punishing him, or him being allowed to get out of trouble by playing the friend card. Friendship with parents tends to develop once you are past the point of "in home" rules and especially once you have kids of your own and realize that you sound just like your parents! lol
I have seen (when I was a teacher) parents so consumed with being friends that they forgot to do their job as parents all to often, and it was really sad. Be happy that your parents care enough for you to act like parents. It is a wonderful gift they are giving you.
*note: disclaimer, this is not a blanket statement stating that those who feel their parents are their friends have bad parents at all. It is simply stating that it is rare that the situation works out that way, and that most go from parent to friend once the child becomes and adult.*
Let's see....
Many parents work so hard and "struggle for the future" not so that *they* can have things but so that *you*, their beloved children, can have a better start than they did. That is not something always comfortable but it is a sacrifice worth doing.
Example: My mother (born in 1941 for reference) wanted to be a beautician, which was huge back in her day. Instead, she got married, followed my father around for his military career and had two girls. When he left the military they bought a home and settled down. At that point she still could have had her career as she was only in her 30's but instead they ended up taking in foster children and adopting me. She gave up all of her dreams to offer me the chance to live all of mine. It hurts her. I see it in her eyes when we talk about it but she says she would never trade it.
As for parents being friends, they aren't supposed to be. They are your parents. They are supposed to guide you through mistakes, support your crazy endeavors but tell you that they are crazy, to help you figure out where your morals are and how to make good decisions. And trust me, that job doesn't end when you hit the teens, it is just beginning to get really hard at that point. Friends you are supposed to hang with, will tell you everything is alright (which half the time is a lie), figure out ways to get you in trouble (where your parents are there to get you out), etc. There is a big difference between friends and parents.
And simply being able to talk doesn't make friends. My son and I, at this point (he just turned 10), can talk about anything and everything but in the end, he is my son first. He has no delusions of us being friends and my not punishing him, or him being allowed to get out of trouble by playing the friend card. Friendship with parents tends to develop once you are past the point of "in home" rules and especially once you have kids of your own and realize that you sound just like your parents! lol
I have seen (when I was a teacher) parents so consumed with being friends that they forgot to do their job as parents all to often, and it was really sad. Be happy that your parents care enough for you to act like parents. It is a wonderful gift they are giving you.
*note: disclaimer, this is not a blanket statement stating that those who feel their parents are their friends have bad parents at all. It is simply stating that it is rare that the situation works out that way, and that most go from parent to friend once the child becomes and adult.*
Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
Written by: _So_maybe they are afraid that being an artist will mean that you will have to struggle in life and they dont want that for you? what do your parents say when you telling them that your are leading a life that makes you happy?
Why dont parents just support their children morally? Why arent they glad that thir healthy, non-alcoholic/drug addict etc. children live their own happy life? Thats what im talking about. "you live wrong, you should be an economist, not an artist" - thats an example of their words
Written by: _So_im a little confused as to what you see the difference between them worrying and wanting you to do what they consider to be right is?
and what im trying to put up here is not the habit of our parents to WORRY for us
but the thing is, that they want me to do what they consider right. They have their own vision of my future
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
BRONZE Member
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Skinny poi maker
313 posts
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posted:
I just guess my English is too poor to put what i think into words... =((
I just guess my English is too poor to put what i think into words... =((
GOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
examples of each are always good
examples of each are always good
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Family is an interesting thing. Here we have a collection of individuals bound together by an arbitrary bond called "blood."
Without blood, if I don't like you, I can just dismiss you from my life. But with blood, if I don't like you, you'll still be around, you'll still be there to drive me nuts, and it never stops.
Family is an interesting thing. Here we have a collection of individuals bound together by an arbitrary bond called "blood."
Without blood, if I don't like you, I can just dismiss you from my life. But with blood, if I don't like you, you'll still be around, you'll still be there to drive me nuts, and it never stops.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
BRONZE Member
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
the henna lady
6,193 posts
Location: WNY, USA
Posted:
Not for everyone, and yet that bond is just as strong. It has alot to do with emotional-social expectations I think and a legal document with the terms Paternal/Maternal on it than it does with blood.
Written by: LLiigghhttnniinngg
Family is an interesting thing. Here we have a collection of individuals bound together by an arbitrary bond called "blood."
Not for everyone, and yet that bond is just as strong. It has alot to do with emotional-social expectations I think and a legal document with the terms Paternal/Maternal on it than it does with blood.
Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK
Internet Hate Machine
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Posted:
yea, im not blood related to my stepdad, but to me, he is as close to being a father as he can get.
to him
yea, im not blood related to my stepdad, but to me, he is as close to being a father as he can get.
to him The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
GOLD Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
6,942 posts
Location: London, UK
Carpal \'Tunnel
6,942 posts
Location: London, UK
Posted:
isn't there some odd biological reason you cant help but be close to your parents? something to do with immune systems and pheromones - im not certain on this as im not a biologist but i know this sort of thing happens with animals
isn't there some odd biological reason you cant help but be close to your parents? something to do with immune systems and pheromones - im not certain on this as im not a biologist but i know this sort of thing happens with animals
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Internet Hate Machine
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Posted:
i thought it was the opposite. People with the same immune systems smell differnt (less attractive) than peeps with differnt systems. Thuis is to give ythe baby more immunities, and therefore have better chance of survival...
This is why we are not attracted to our parents in any way, except thru paternal and maternal love.
i thought it was the opposite. People with the same immune systems smell differnt (less attractive) than peeps with differnt systems. Thuis is to give ythe baby more immunities, and therefore have better chance of survival...
This is why we are not attracted to our parents in any way, except thru paternal and maternal love.
The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
SILVER Member
member
112 posts
Location: UT, Sweden
member
112 posts
Location: UT, Sweden
Posted:
Being close to your family doesn't even have to be by blood, it's more association. I don't know half of my extended family becuase my dad doesn't associate with that sister (for reasons much to long to post) so I do not know my own cousins, and I hardly know my aunt. We are blood realatives, but they are strangers in my mind.
I think it's more by association that we are willing to put up with people. I grew up in the same community my entire youth, and my friends that I went to grade school with are more family to me than some of my blood realatives, becuase I've associated with them more and they know more about me. I may not enjoy some of them, but I'm willing to put up with them and deal with them, because those friends are my 'family' in a weird sense of the term.
Being close to your family doesn't even have to be by blood, it's more association. I don't know half of my extended family becuase my dad doesn't associate with that sister (for reasons much to long to post) so I do not know my own cousins, and I hardly know my aunt. We are blood realatives, but they are strangers in my mind.
I think it's more by association that we are willing to put up with people. I grew up in the same community my entire youth, and my friends that I went to grade school with are more family to me than some of my blood realatives, becuase I've associated with them more and they know more about me. I may not enjoy some of them, but I'm willing to put up with them and deal with them, because those friends are my 'family' in a weird sense of the term.
missegyptology: I'm gonna be a terrorist when I grow up anyway
BRONZE Member
Member
97 posts
Location: Kamloops BC, Canada
Member
97 posts
Location: Kamloops BC, Canada
Posted:
no matter how old you get parents will always look at you as if you're still five years old. still having to make your lunch, dress you when you get up, and tell you what you're gonna be doing that day. and one of the hardest things for them to give up is your infancy. you were so much a part of their life they find it hard to let it go.
as far as her advice on life decisions, telling her you'll consider the advice she has to give and if your choices turn out to be mistakes that they were your mistakes to make not hers.
no matter how old you get parents will always look at you as if you're still five years old. still having to make your lunch, dress you when you get up, and tell you what you're gonna be doing that day. and one of the hardest things for them to give up is your infancy. you were so much a part of their life they find it hard to let it go.
as far as her advice on life decisions, telling her you'll consider the advice she has to give and if your choices turn out to be mistakes that they were your mistakes to make not hers.
"Not all who wander are lost. "
J.R.R. Tolkien
GOLD Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
6,942 posts
Location: London, UK
Carpal \'Tunnel
6,942 posts
Location: London, UK
Posted:
FRD - i think your right about the immune thing but its also true that people tend to marry those who are either very similar to their parents or very differnt - something to do with following traits that work (they must work as they gave rise to you)
its a bit of a scary thought really isnt it? :P
FRD - i think your right about the immune thing but its also true that people tend to marry those who are either very similar to their parents or very differnt - something to do with following traits that work (they must work as they gave rise to you)
its a bit of a scary thought really isnt it? :P
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Internet Hate Machine
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Posted:
0.o
scary thought indeed.
0.o
scary thought indeed.
The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
GOLD Member
*slou?
6,555 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
*slou?
6,555 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
I know exactly what you mean..
I seem to be always on the wrong side of my parents, though i'm far from a rebellious daughter. Though, they seem to have no obvious problem with me spinning fire around myself. They want what's best for me, I am fully aware of that, and appreciate it - but sometimes i don't feel they actually do know what's best for me. I don't expect them to always be right, nor do i rely on them any longer because they've let me down through being so over protective and restricting that it's crushed me just a few too many times.
I wish I could talk to them, in the real sense of the word. We talk, day to day, but never really listen to eachother - they because they hold themselves higher because of the 'parental seniority', me because I've given up on putting faith in them since being let down. I feel they don't trust me, though i've not given them any real reason to not do so. I've worked through serious issues alone, that they have no idea ever existed - though I don't hold any of that against them, because they were my own struggles. I live my life by solving my own problems, support that cannot be found within myself coming from some friends. Perhaps I make life hard for myself sometimes, by working it out for myself, but at least I have the knowledge and satisfaction that I have solved something for myself without relying upon their experience, from lives that were so much more different to my own.
I know exactly what you mean..
I seem to be always on the wrong side of my parents, though i'm far from a rebellious daughter. Though, they seem to have no obvious problem with me spinning fire around myself. They want what's best for me, I am fully aware of that, and appreciate it - but sometimes i don't feel they actually do know what's best for me. I don't expect them to always be right, nor do i rely on them any longer because they've let me down through being so over protective and restricting that it's crushed me just a few too many times.
I wish I could talk to them, in the real sense of the word. We talk, day to day, but never really listen to eachother - they because they hold themselves higher because of the 'parental seniority', me because I've given up on putting faith in them since being let down. I feel they don't trust me, though i've not given them any real reason to not do so. I've worked through serious issues alone, that they have no idea ever existed - though I don't hold any of that against them, because they were my own struggles. I live my life by solving my own problems, support that cannot be found within myself coming from some friends. Perhaps I make life hard for myself sometimes, by working it out for myself, but at least I have the knowledge and satisfaction that I have solved something for myself without relying upon their experience, from lives that were so much more different to my own.
SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,899 posts
Location: Austin, Texas, USA
Posted:
I'm no parent yet, but I did have a father with a very strong personality and a rather intimidating resume that I did not get along with till after I moved out of the house and was gone a couple years. Basically I left the house as soon as I could - 17 years old and I was outta there!
At the time I thought it was because we were radically different. He's been dead 10 years now (luckily I became good friends wih him before he died), and now i realize that really we were too similar to get along well, not too different. Sure some things were different, and it is those things that showed up in great and obvious contrast at the time we were not getting along, but if I had been radically different, then I think we would have actually gotten on more or less ok the whole time.
This may sound odd, but his death actually allowed me to be able to grow into the person I am - allowed my character to more fully grow in the natural direction that shares similarities with him - because when he was alive, doing so would have brought disapproval of a sort for various reasons and because of that I was unwilling to let things develope that way till he was gone.
Don't know if that applies to you at all though.
More than likely your mom doesn't want you to repeat her mistakes, or at least doesn't want you to fall into the traps she can see ahead of you. If so, the conflict between you is of shared fault - you don't listen to/ take her guidance seriously (or at least she doesn't feel like you do), and she is reluctant to let you learn from your own mistakes (which she needs to do).
Everyone makes mistakes in their life, and the lessons learned from them are much more valueable to your self esteem in the long run than any hypothetical lesson taught by a parent can be (so long as it doesn't get you killed, land you in jail, leave you crippled, hugely in debt, or some such thing).
The thing is, being a mother to you is, for her, as challenging and new an experience as being her daughter is to you.
a couple quotes for you:
"have some sympathy for the devil"
"happy people don't make history"
I'm no parent yet, but I did have a father with a very strong personality and a rather intimidating resume that I did not get along with till after I moved out of the house and was gone a couple years. Basically I left the house as soon as I could - 17 years old and I was outta there!
At the time I thought it was because we were radically different. He's been dead 10 years now (luckily I became good friends wih him before he died), and now i realize that really we were too similar to get along well, not too different. Sure some things were different, and it is those things that showed up in great and obvious contrast at the time we were not getting along, but if I had been radically different, then I think we would have actually gotten on more or less ok the whole time.
This may sound odd, but his death actually allowed me to be able to grow into the person I am - allowed my character to more fully grow in the natural direction that shares similarities with him - because when he was alive, doing so would have brought disapproval of a sort for various reasons and because of that I was unwilling to let things develope that way till he was gone.
Don't know if that applies to you at all though.
More than likely your mom doesn't want you to repeat her mistakes, or at least doesn't want you to fall into the traps she can see ahead of you. If so, the conflict between you is of shared fault - you don't listen to/ take her guidance seriously (or at least she doesn't feel like you do), and she is reluctant to let you learn from your own mistakes (which she needs to do).
Everyone makes mistakes in their life, and the lessons learned from them are much more valueable to your self esteem in the long run than any hypothetical lesson taught by a parent can be (so long as it doesn't get you killed, land you in jail, leave you crippled, hugely in debt, or some such thing).
The thing is, being a mother to you is, for her, as challenging and new an experience as being her daughter is to you.
a couple quotes for you:
"have some sympathy for the devil"
"happy people don't make history"
-v-
Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!
GOLD Member
*slou?
6,555 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
*slou?
6,555 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posted:
This sounds like my relationship with my father exactly. Including having the same qualities. We can both be very stubborn!And thats no good together.
If there is one thing to come out of it, I've grown a strong sense of patience through learning to shut up when being yelled at, and live with being restricted from doing anything. Most of the time I can take it, though the anger gets out once in a while.
Nevertheless, patience is one thing I can suggest to work on, it will help you to get along a bit better
Written by: vanize
I'm no parent yet, but I did have a father with a very strong personality and a rather intimidating resume that I did not get along with
This sounds like my relationship with my father exactly. Including having the same qualities. We can both be very stubborn!And thats no good together.
If there is one thing to come out of it, I've grown a strong sense of patience through learning to shut up when being yelled at, and live with being restricted from doing anything. Most of the time I can take it, though the anger gets out once in a while.
Nevertheless, patience is one thing I can suggest to work on, it will help you to get along a bit better
BRONZE Member
member
82 posts
Location: Clapham, London, United Kingdom
member
82 posts
Location: Clapham, London, United Kingdom
Posted:
Family is the most improtant thing because they are always there for you, no matter what happens in your life. I think I have got to the age now where my parents are friends too, but it was definalty and age thing. But my Mum is still my Mum and she still gives the best hugs in the world and still is the one I turn to when the world is all poo and i need a good cry. But that's Mum's isn't it, only now we can go shopping too!
Family is the most improtant thing because they are always there for you, no matter what happens in your life. I think I have got to the age now where my parents are friends too, but it was definalty and age thing. But my Mum is still my Mum and she still gives the best hugs in the world and still is the one I turn to when the world is all poo and i need a good cry. But that's Mum's isn't it, only now we can go shopping too!
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I dunno. I feel awful for saying it, but I think I'm going to be over my mother's death VERY quickly. She's always been abusive towards me (verbally and emotionally; she knew darn well after about age 10 that if she hit me hard enough I'd hit back).
I just don't like her.
I dunno. I feel awful for saying it, but I think I'm going to be over my mother's death VERY quickly. She's always been abusive towards me (verbally and emotionally; she knew darn well after about age 10 that if she hit me hard enough I'd hit back).
I just don't like her.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
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