Forums > Social Discussion > Sex with an Ex
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old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
ok, so I don't normally chat on HoP too much about other people in my life (apart from complaining about my man now and then!) but I have a friend who's asked for some advice and I don't know what to say to her.
She split up with her guy a week ago, they'd been together for about 3 1/2 years and had lived together for nearly as long. It was one of the most amicable break-ups I've ever seen, they just kind of mutually decided over a few months that they weren't working well together and that both of them needed different things and were winding each other up too much in different ways (she is a very chilled out, clumsy and disorganised person, he's a bit of a control freak, likes order and has a bit of a temper when things don't go his way).
So, he has moved out with his stuff and she's on her own. They both seem to be doing ok, finding it a bit strange without each other, miss each other a bit but not depressed about it or anything really negative.
Now, he's going to see her soon to pick up some more stuff, and she's contemplating having sex with him. She says they've discussed it before and she said 'if he's single and I'm single then that's ok, isn't it?'
I'm not sure about this... So, question is, is it ok to have sex with an ex? Even if you know it's 'just' sex? What are the issues that may arise?
ok, so I don't normally chat on HoP too much about other people in my life (apart from complaining about my man now and then!) but I have a friend who's asked for some advice and I don't know what to say to her.
She split up with her guy a week ago, they'd been together for about 3 1/2 years and had lived together for nearly as long. It was one of the most amicable break-ups I've ever seen, they just kind of mutually decided over a few months that they weren't working well together and that both of them needed different things and were winding each other up too much in different ways (she is a very chilled out, clumsy and disorganised person, he's a bit of a control freak, likes order and has a bit of a temper when things don't go his way).
So, he has moved out with his stuff and she's on her own. They both seem to be doing ok, finding it a bit strange without each other, miss each other a bit but not depressed about it or anything really negative.
Now, he's going to see her soon to pick up some more stuff, and she's contemplating having sex with him. She says they've discussed it before and she said 'if he's single and I'm single then that's ok, isn't it?'
I'm not sure about this... So, question is, is it ok to have sex with an ex? Even if you know it's 'just' sex? What are the issues that may arise?
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
Carpal \'Tunnel
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
Posted:
i say this time and time again "EX'S ARE EX'S FOR A REASON"
if she dose sleep with her ex then it sends out mixed signals, motions get trampled and one or both partys ends up hurt.
her best bet is to not sleep with her ex as it would mean she's moving on rathr than sleep with him and regress
i say this time and time again "EX'S ARE EX'S FOR A REASON"
if she dose sleep with her ex then it sends out mixed signals, motions get trampled and one or both partys ends up hurt.
her best bet is to not sleep with her ex as it would mean she's moving on rathr than sleep with him and regress
SILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom
Posted:
I've never been able to understand this "just sex" business.
Maybe it's because I'm old fashioned, maybe it's because I'm a romantic, I don't know! But I can't believe that you can have "just sex" without feeling some kind of deep emotion for the other person involved.
For me, sex is a physical display of the love you feel for each other. If they've decided not to be together, then I think a clean break is a good idea. If they want "just sex" (whatever that means) they should probably invest in sex toys and just masturbate seperately!
I've never been able to understand this "just sex" business.
Maybe it's because I'm old fashioned, maybe it's because I'm a romantic, I don't know! But I can't believe that you can have "just sex" without feeling some kind of deep emotion for the other person involved.
For me, sex is a physical display of the love you feel for each other. If they've decided not to be together, then I think a clean break is a good idea. If they want "just sex" (whatever that means) they should probably invest in sex toys and just masturbate seperately!
Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
GOLD Member
Introverted
833 posts
Location: Norf London, United Kingdom
Introverted
833 posts
Location: Norf London, United Kingdom
Posted:
Been there, done that. BAAAAAD idea. After that short a length of time, someone's gonna get hurt.
Basically, what Ravehead said.
"The Squishy"???
I've not heard that one before, I like it!
Been there, done that. BAAAAAD idea. After that short a length of time, someone's gonna get hurt.
Basically, what Ravehead said.
"The Squishy"???
I've not heard that one before, I like it! My Mind is a Ship
Emotions become the Waves
Soul is the Ocean
If a quizz is quizzical, what is a test?
GOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Posted:
I prefer 'The Squelchy'
But yeah, it's different with different people... Some people have open relationships. Some exclusive.
But when dealing with exe's it's better in the long run to move on. Because although both of you might be okay with no-strings sex after the break up, one of you will soon get ideas about getting back together, something the other person might not share which will lead to further conflict.
What's more important? Short term gratification and lessening of the pain of break up, or the sense of independence you get from being able to face the pain, ignore your desires and walk on with your head held high... And if you wanna get back together after surviving that then you'll know better if its the right thing to do...
I prefer 'The Squelchy'
But yeah, it's different with different people... Some people have open relationships. Some exclusive.
But when dealing with exe's it's better in the long run to move on. Because although both of you might be okay with no-strings sex after the break up, one of you will soon get ideas about getting back together, something the other person might not share which will lead to further conflict.
What's more important? Short term gratification and lessening of the pain of break up, or the sense of independence you get from being able to face the pain, ignore your desires and walk on with your head held high... And if you wanna get back together after surviving that then you'll know better if its the right thing to do...
"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,964 posts
Location: Southampton - Possibly..., United Kingdom
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,964 posts
Location: Southampton - Possibly..., United Kingdom
Posted:
i think people tell themselves its "just sex" going into it, but during and after i reckon the thoughts are very differant and could screw you up........
i was in a similar situation once, toooo many memories and feelings come flooding back, especially because theve all ready had sex in a stable relationship...... having sex out of it feels no differant and could cause lots of problems in th long run, if they plan on getting back together then do it....... if they dont there friendship is on a long windy downwards (but somewhat enjoyable
) slope 
whilst they are both single sweet they both have cake and can eat it its when one starts seeing someone else....... i bet they find their friendship suddenly means much more than they told themselves...... anyhow
just my two pence
EDITED_BY: strugz (1175093715)
i think people tell themselves its "just sex" going into it, but during and after i reckon the thoughts are very differant and could screw you up........
i was in a similar situation once, toooo many memories and feelings come flooding back, especially because theve all ready had sex in a stable relationship...... having sex out of it feels no differant and could cause lots of problems in th long run, if they plan on getting back together then do it....... if they dont there friendship is on a long windy downwards (but somewhat enjoyable
) slope whilst they are both single sweet they both have cake and can eat it
its when one starts seeing someone else....... i bet they find their friendship suddenly means much more than they told themselves...... anyhowjust my two pence
EDITED_BY: strugz (1175093715)
"...We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing......."
GOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Posted:
Where you gonna put the two pence?
Non-Https Image Link
Thought you prefer staff to sex anyway...?
Where you gonna put the two pence?
Non-Https Image Link
Thought you prefer staff to sex anyway...?
"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock
SILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom
Posted:
Dave, why must you use every thread as an opportunity to flirt with Strugz!!
he's not gonna put his coin in your gumball slot! ok?!!
Dave, why must you use every thread as an opportunity to flirt with Strugz!!
he's not gonna put his coin in your gumball slot! ok?!!
Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
SILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
Thank you my lovely people!
I agree with what you're all saying, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth and could end up messy.
I've told her that she's the only one who can make that choice, advised her to use condoms/barrier contraception if she does (no telling what he may have been doing with whom, after all)..
I've tried to say to her that even if she feels comfortable with the idea before and during, what about when he leaves again afterwards? I've told her about how it could send mixed up signals to both of them. But I'm not going to wade in there with overly-strong advice, it's not my relationship after all! I just hope she does the right thing. They haven't ruled out getting back together in the future, they're planning on staying friends, they just know things haven't been working well between them at present... they do both still care about each other loads so maybe it will all be ok.
But thanks to all for the advice and feel free to continue discussing the issue... I was very tempted to have sex with my ex when we split a few years back but I didn't for the reasons above... I've never really thought about how things might have gone if I had done it.
Thank you my lovely people!I agree with what you're all saying, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth and could end up messy.
I've told her that she's the only one who can make that choice, advised her to use condoms/barrier contraception if she does (no telling what he may have been doing with whom, after all)..
I've tried to say to her that even if she feels comfortable with the idea before and during, what about when he leaves again afterwards? I've told her about how it could send mixed up signals to both of them. But I'm not going to wade in there with overly-strong advice, it's not my relationship after all! I just hope she does the right thing. They haven't ruled out getting back together in the future, they're planning on staying friends, they just know things haven't been working well between them at present... they do both still care about each other loads so maybe it will all be ok.
But thanks to all for the advice and feel free to continue discussing the issue... I was very tempted to have sex with my ex when we split a few years back but I didn't for the reasons above... I've never really thought about how things might have gone if I had done it.
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
SILVER Member
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
fluffy mess
197 posts
Location: Brighton, United Kingdom
Posted:
Oooh,* bites thumb*.
Bad idea, really really bad idea. I had sex with an ex once and it turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. The sex was good, it was different somehow, but it left me feeling horrible afterwards and it turned out to possibly be the meanest thing I could have done to him because he thought it meant something, even though I told him that it defenitly didn't. Then I started seeing someone else and it just got really ugly. I haven't spoken to him since. Another ex wanted to have 'just sex' after we had broken up, he said it was for 'closure'. I was disgusted at the thought, and the request basically tore down any reservations I may have had about leaviving him in the manner that I did.I wasn't falling for that one again.
Oooh,* bites thumb*.
Bad idea, really really bad idea. I had sex with an ex once and it turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. The sex was good, it was different somehow, but it left me feeling horrible afterwards and it turned out to possibly be the meanest thing I could have done to him because he thought it meant something, even though I told him that it defenitly didn't. Then I started seeing someone else and it just got really ugly. I haven't spoken to him since. Another ex wanted to have 'just sex' after we had broken up, he said it was for 'closure'. I was disgusted at the thought, and the request basically tore down any reservations I may have had about leaviving him in the manner that I did.I wasn't falling for that one again.
"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer
SILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
Yeah, see this is the kind of thing I'm worried about! She hates the idea of him being with other girls, so I'd imagine having sex with him will make it a whole heap worse, especially if he does start seeing other girls (which he probably will, if he hasn't already).
Yeah, see this is the kind of thing I'm worried about! She hates the idea of him being with other girls, so I'd imagine having sex with him will make it a whole heap worse, especially if he does start seeing other girls (which he probably will, if he hasn't already).
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
BRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posted:
i found the problem came not in the sex with the ex but trying to explain said sex with a bf when the "past" comes into play
if they can do it all the better but they have to be careful of their emotions... future bfs have issues with this, i have found
i found the problem came not in the sex with the ex but trying to explain said sex with a bf when the "past" comes into play
if they can do it all the better but they have to be careful of their emotions... future bfs have issues with this, i have found
Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed
GOLD Member
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
I lived with my ex for two years and (from the sounds of it) went through a very similar breakup. We both still love each other heaps... just can't see a future together and would rather live our lives apart. Both of us prefer being single but we still chat about once a fortnight.
I have moved about 4 hours away and visit my family and friends in my old neighbourhood every month or two. And I usually spend a night or two with my ex when i do (squiching and squelching).
It works for us... has done for about 6 months now. He is heading over seas in another 2 months so it might be because we both know it has an end date.
We also have to work on 'levels of honesty'... which is a new thing in our relationship.
For us it comes down to still loving each other as a friend... and still being attracted to each other. But there is no way either of us would ever go back to our relationship... been there done that!
Not saying it would work for everyone. Just that it can!
I lived with my ex for two years and (from the sounds of it) went through a very similar breakup. We both still love each other heaps... just can't see a future together and would rather live our lives apart. Both of us prefer being single but we still chat about once a fortnight.
I have moved about 4 hours away and visit my family and friends in my old neighbourhood every month or two. And I usually spend a night or two with my ex when i do (squiching and squelching
). It works for us... has done for about 6 months now. He is heading over seas in another 2 months so it might be because we both know it has an end date.
We also have to work on 'levels of honesty'... which is a new thing in our relationship.
For us it comes down to still loving each other as a friend... and still being attracted to each other. But there is no way either of us would ever go back to our relationship... been there done that!
Not saying it would work for everyone. Just that it can!
... simplify ...
Carpal \'Tunnel
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
Posted:
you CAN love an ex, just DON'T sleep with them!!!!
you CAN love an ex, just DON'T sleep with them!!!!
Stargazer
6,650 posts
6,650 posts
Posted:
what suits you, might not suit someone else.
One side: We know each other, btdt know what the other wants which way. We know we can't live together, but that's one thing we continue sharing...
why not?
Other side: One is still involved, hasn't given up hope, keeps strings attached, gets hurt...
Next side: With two still getting together, working the sheets it propably and most likely will be harder to really split and be open for a new thing.
Anyone as they please - but honesty is playing a higher role in this....
what suits you, might not suit someone else.
One side: We know each other, btdt know what the other wants which way. We know we can't live together, but that's one thing we continue sharing...
why not?Other side: One is still involved, hasn't given up hope, keeps strings attached, gets hurt...
Next side: With two still getting together, working the sheets it propably and most likely will be harder to really split and be open for a new thing.
Anyone as they please - but honesty is playing a higher role in this....
the best smiles are the ones you lead to 
Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land
Posted:
don't do it.. I contacted an ex after I split up with my recent 4 year relationship.. just for that purpose.. it's was the second time I would have gone back to him.. stupid me thought I can handle this as just sex.. but I was very venerable and was yearning for the comfort and fluffyness of a relationship.. which was baad!
long story very short - it messed me up, especially since I found out after that he was seeing someone and didn't bother to tell me that part - I felt awful..
I guess my situation was slightly different from the above.. but an ex is an ex for a reason.. past is past and best left there..
don't do it.. I contacted an ex after I split up with my recent 4 year relationship.. just for that purpose.. it's was the second time I would have gone back to him.. stupid me thought I can handle this as just sex.. but I was very venerable and was yearning for the comfort and fluffyness of a relationship.. which was baad!
long story very short - it messed me up, especially since I found out after that he was seeing someone and didn't bother to tell me that part - I felt awful..
I guess my situation was slightly different from the above.. but an ex is an ex for a reason.. past is past and best left there..
I honour you as an aspect of myself..
You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..
BRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posted:
i guess consider who your ex is...sometimes though things just don't work out and no one is to blame, those are the safer ones just so long as the rules are laid out from the beginning...if you can't talk about it with them, then do not have sex with them, but i think that should be the case ex or not
i guess consider who your ex is...sometimes though things just don't work out and no one is to blame, those are the safer ones just so long as the rules are laid out from the beginning...if you can't talk about it with them, then do not have sex with them, but i think that should be the case ex or not
Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed
SILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...
Posted:
She didn't do it.
I feel somewhat proud of her... she said as soon as she saw him she felt a bit choked up, which she wasn't expecting, apparently it felt good but wierd to see him again.
When they got talking about sex he was trying to tell her that it's like they are still together until one of them gets into a new relationship, just now they don't live together or see each other every day. She told him no, that's NOT how it is, he can't choose to have the good bits of the relationship (sex) without the bad bits (feeling responsible for her etc), he's either her man or he's not. She understands now that it might be a bit too soon for them to be 'friends', too.
I'm really glad she knows and understands how she feels about the whole thing now.
She didn't do it.
I feel somewhat proud of her... she said as soon as she saw him she felt a bit choked up, which she wasn't expecting, apparently it felt good but wierd to see him again.
When they got talking about sex he was trying to tell her that it's like they are still together until one of them gets into a new relationship, just now they don't live together or see each other every day. She told him no, that's NOT how it is, he can't choose to have the good bits of the relationship (sex) without the bad bits (feeling responsible for her etc), he's either her man or he's not. She understands now that it might be a bit too soon for them to be 'friends', too.
I'm really glad she knows and understands how she feels about the whole thing now.
Idolized by Aurinoko
Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....
Bob Dylan
BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)
Posted:
Nice one
Nice one
Getting to the other side 
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Done it, had a blast, so did my ex. Did it again. And a few more times. And never regretted it. Hey, he was hot and great in bed!
Just as long as there's an agreement.
Done it, had a blast, so did my ex. Did it again. And a few more times. And never regretted it. Hey, he was hot and great in bed!
Just as long as there's an agreement.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
GOLD Member
HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
4,437 posts
Location: Staines, United Kingdom
HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
4,437 posts
Location: Staines, United Kingdom
Posted:
Sex is never just sex, simple as
Sex is never just sex, simple as
An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind
Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife
"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian
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