Forums > Social Discussion > Learning to love yourself

Posted: 5th Apr 2008
Well I reckon many people would have a tough story to tell...

 Written by : roarfire

I know I'm only young (18) Can I hope that it will all magically fall into place in a few years time? Or will I have to keep searching for answers? Because frankly, I'm sick of searching.

If you're sick of searching then I got one advice: get busy with other stuff... I remember the times, when I've been searching back then. Of all what I found (out) only one thing remained of importance till today: Focus.

As a metaphor: when I've misplaced something and run around my apartment to look for it... most of the time I won't find it because my focus remains closed. Same applies when looking for a partner... things magically happen by themselves when I just do what I do. With ease.

You can 'hope' that things will 'magically fall into place' one day... the fun part is that in this moment you will realize that everything is 'magically falling into place' at any which time in the present already.

You can search for 'answers', you can stop searching - all of it is part of the process. You can search for the truth and when you found it you can renounce it, just to pick up the quest a few years later again.

There is one (mis)conception in the mind that is the real topic in this one: time. One thing that especially India taught me is that: "time doesn't matter - it's how you spend it". Remember when sitting and waiting for a friend, your partner? And s/he's late? I mean really late! By an hour or so. Over the time sitting there and idling, waiting for this person to show up, I used to get desperate, frustrated and subsequently angry. (btw That's one reason why we invented cellphones) But back in the old days, we had no cellphones - so I sat and idled... Now instead of reading a book, gaze at the surroundings, enjoy the moment of peace, my mind started turmoil: WHY is this person so inconsiderate to let me wait? And when this person finally showed up, the date was spoilt.

---> to cut a long story short: Don't wait if you don't feel like waiting, search for answers if you feel like searching.

---> of all the things you do: enjoy them as much as possible. If you don't enjoy them, don't indulge in them *as long as you don't really have to*. This is not to oppose a healthy (self) discipline, but a preposition to be gentle with your self.

Just as a current example: I participate in the gun thread and it really is not leading anywhere constructive. I get frustrated and at some point even very rude. In this particular moment - to be honest - I even notice that I enjoy myself being rude.... wow. How far is that from who I really like to be? So the question I ask myself is: Why am I engaging in this and more important: Why do I continue? At this point I usually leave it behind, because the truth is...

Another thing I learnt: Time is relative. Look at a baby that is hungry. It urges for food immediately. Then it grows up and 20 years or so later it might even start fasting for 7 days in a row... without raising a single complaint.

There is only one constant thing in life: change. Except from a vending machine, it's inevitable.

 Written by : roarfire

So I guess that's two things I need to work out:

First, discovering who I am, then
accepting it.

But how?

How would you discover who you are? That's the point.

Remembering the thinks (sp!) I've pursued to find out who I *really* am... it boils down to one topic: [I]I have been all this time... Maybe this sentence doesn't make sense to you at this moment, if you relax into it you might grasp what I'm trying to say.

You are already. All the time, for all these 21 (+/-) years. Every moment you have been - most of the time without really noticing. You do have a (limited) choice. The more aware, the greater the range thereof.

It's like climbing up the tree of life, expanding your horizon/ field of view. When just sitting under the tree things come and go very quickly - that too has a quality.

---> To cut the preacher talk: If the question "who am I *really*?" remains unanswered or the answer is unsatisfactory, maybe you start asking: "what do I *really* want (from life) (right now)?"

This might bring back some focus and already provide answers... This is the way I love to teach Poi: Limiting the level of frustration as much as possible and encourage to gently push boundaries.

Quantum leaps are possible and everybody has their own way to cross the lines.

Hamamelis: Soooooorry that I can just be an online friend (for now).

To close this post (as it's sooooooooo long already):

- a car can break down
- a steady income might consume most of your time
- supportive friends ... now we are getting closer
- Poi ... is all about the effort you put in, therefore about your self and your discipline.

Bottom line is: start a romantic relationship with your self without becoming a narcissus. You may be surprised...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 7th Apr 2008
I've totally been in the same mental/emotional state or situation or however you want to define it. (and if my experience counts for anything, this won't be the only existential crisis you'll come across)

But here are my thoughts, on ways that have helped me love myself, I had a hard time learning to do it, too.

This is similar to one of Birgit's suggestions. I started a list of things experiences or accomplishments I've done that I never thought I'd do. I didn't write it in one day, and it's not finished because I'm not done doing cool stuff. And not all of it is necessarily earth-shattering. I've got "I sang in a punk rock band" but I also have "I gave myself a bad haircut while depressed, and I lived with the consequences."

It won't magically fall into place, so don't wait for it to happen. Don't force yourself to make it happen, either, or you'll beat yourself up along the way. You'll discover things about yourself by experimenting and learning everything you can.

I just finished reading "Eat, Pray, Love," and I'd recommend it to you. It's all about learning to love (and forgive) yourself, about searching for "meaning" and fundamental truths about yourself. Also it's about travel and meditation and it's pretty funny.

I've also been trying something this year along the lines of self-improvement. New Year's Resolutions always struck me as a little weird, and I've found a way to adjust the spirit of them to the practicalities of my life. It takes 21 days or so to form a habit. I forget where I read it, but scientists came up with it, so there you go. Each month this year I've chosen 2 or 3 resolutions. And they're all over the board... I cut down on swearing, I practiced meditation x times a week, I created more art, I began training myself to think more positively, and I do think that these endeavors help me love myself.

There's a whole industry based on self improvement, and an even bigger one on dieting. Dieting in particular is discussed/advertised/constructed as a terrible, losing battle. If you let up and simply DECIDE to start doing healthier things, and don't beat yourself up if you have a cupcake once in a while, you'll get a lot more ground. Try not to hold it against yourself that you're unclear about your identity and remember that other people are busy trying to figure the same things for themselves.

Surround yourself with people who love you, and don't discount compliments or their positive thoughts about you. There is truth in the "you must love yourself before you can love others," but don't let your uncertainty keep you from loving, don't let your doubt keep others from loving you. Consider it doing yourself a favor.

And you know, there's quite a community here and judging from the responses you've gotten, you've got some serious support and sympathy. That will take you a long way.

*hug*

Posted: 15th Apr 2008

 Written by :FireTom



To close this post (as it's sooooooooo long already):

- a car can break down
- a steady income might consume most of your time
- supportive friends ... now we are getting closer
- Poi ... is all about the effort you put in, therefore about your self and your discipline.

Bottom line is: start a romantic relationship with your self without becoming a narcissus. You may be surprised...

lol firetom, but the steady income solves the broken down car problem even though a steady income might//does consume all your time, in this world it's a necessity. you have to have a job if you want to enjoy the finer things in life and to be independent. and i won't lie, i'm a bit of a narcissist.. but it does wonders for me. i love me. cuz if i don't love me, why should anyone else love me?