Forums > Social Discussion > Lost friends

Posted: 22nd Oct 2004
Warchild, it is such a hrad thing to loose a friend, but to have found out the way you have, as well as having seen the car is ten times harder.

Jamie will be getting the healing and help that he needed now.
Just let it be known that if you need to talk that I am here to listen.

Take it easy and all my love to you and his family.

TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

Posted: 22nd Oct 2004
You'll never get over it. But you'll learn to live with it. That's what people do. Not because we want to. We have to.

Keep your beautiful memoreis of the 'cheeky smiles', not of the car. Live so that when you pass people can to remember all the beautiful things about yourself.

Don't spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if'. Spend it planning 'what now'.

Goodluck Warchild. It's a rocky road ahead but there's endless support and love from everyone on HoP, and I imagine, many many people that you get to see every day.

All my love and many many hugs

~*PiPeR*~

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004


I know it must be really hard at the moment, but the pain will die down.

Like it's been said before, don't dwell on the past, and ruin your life on it, plan the future.

We're all here if you need to speak

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004
WarChild I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. It hard to lose people you love. You end up with so many questions running around in your head. All the 'what ifs?' and 'if onlys'. Its natural to feel confused. Grief goes through a whole lot of stages. Anger, disbelief, denial, shock, dispair, remembrance ...... but at the end of it all is a form of healing. Things will never been the same but they will be ok.

You are worried now that all you can picture of your friend is the crumpled car. This will fade. My father died 10 years ago of a massive heart attack. I found him. His eyes were wide open staring and his mouth open. His skin was grey and he looked very unlike the kind caring man he was. For some time after this, everytime I closed my eyes, that was the only image of him I could see. I was scared, like you are, that the image was now all I had left. That image has faded into the background. Now I see him as he really was, a happy smiling bearded man that loved his family to distraction.

Let time help you heal and don't be afraid to express how you feel. People often hold up the healing process by feeling guilty about their reactions to death. The don't think they should be angry with the person thats died or maybe they feel its selfish to cry when others are hurting so much too. Holding in emotions usually makes things worse IMO. If you don't feel comfortable expressing your grief to friends and family you can do it here. I'm willing to listen without judging you and I'm sure many others are too.

Take good care of yourself

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004
Guys, thanks you so much for your hugs and kind words of support. Its meant a lot to me. Even after posting that thread last night i felt a little better. Its something that has been turning around inside my head for a long time. Something i needed to get out. Ive been doing my best to be strong for my friends and show no weakness in these tough times so they got some1 to speak to when they're finding things hard to deal with. I just felt it was a little hippocritical of me to show my weakness when i was trying to help others. pretty sad i know.
A lot of my friends took it really bad. I was there shoulder to cry on. I did my best to help things easier for them. My flatmate was devastated. she spent every night of the following week in tears. As bad as it sounds that helped me. its like i could focus on helping her rather then deal with the grieving myself. Just over 5 weeks have past now, things are starting to get back to normal. The flash backs of the car are still there but like you guys have said they will fade with time. Every now and then when i think about it to much i feel the tears welling up. I haven't shed a tear since i found out, every time i have come close i force a smile and laugh, try to remember the stupid [censored] we did. Many people have said to me remember the good times that have gone before not the sad times that have just past. In many ways it does help. For me anyway.

Skuld, I cant imagine how you must of felt when you found your father. Im sorry you had to experiance that man. On the flip side that will of been one of the hardest things you will have to deal with in your lifetime. The hardest thing anyone would have to deal with in a life time. You seem to have come out the other side ok. I admire your strength and courage. And thanks for the advice. It was a big help.

Thanks to all of you.

Respect.

A wise man once told me, A friend will bail you outta jail, A great friend will be sitting beside you saying that was f**king awesome.

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004

:thinkingofyouhopingcomputerhugskindaworkbutwishingtheywerereal:

Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

Posted: 23rd Oct 2004
Dude, I'm really sorry for your loss. There isn't really anything I'd add to the good advice that's already been posted, except for one thing.

Whatever you need to do to do it, going somewhere and bawling your heart out, really crying for all your worth, is one of the best ways to deal with grief. Next time you well up, don't fight it. Just have a cry, and spend some time thinking about the good times you had with your friend. Sure this will make you cry more, but it's like sucking poison out of a wound.

Big hugs man. You know where Falmouth is if you fancy a holiday.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Oct 2004
I know exactly how hard it is to lose someone. But every loss is different, but most follow the same kind of grieving pattern. Please, i am begging you, dont keep this bottled up inside you, ebcause it will just rot away at you from inside and makes things worse. Please, cry if you need to or punch the living daylights out of something (preferably something that doesnt have a heart or breathe) like a pillow or boxing bag. Anything that can just let out that sadness/anger. Or go somewhere secluded and scream your lungs out, just scream and scream until you've let all the anger and sadness out or until your throat just gives in. So many people here on HoP want to help and will and we will give you all the advice we can. Time will heal, you wont "get over it" as people say but you can "get on with it" You can learn to handle the feelings and eventually you wont see that car, you'll just see the nice guy you used to jam with...
Please if ever you need to talk to me (even though i'ma complete stranger) pm me and i will do everything i can to help.
It will be okay.
For now, luv and hugs (plenty of them)
Liv

.:Pink Exocutioner:.

I am Jack's Raging Bile Duct...

Loving you from the deepest part of my loins.

Posted: 24th Oct 2004
i remember reading this in the local paper....

i cant think of anything else to say...

Me train running low on soul coal
They push+pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that no no no

Posted: 24th Oct 2004
iam sending you warm and happy thoughts... i hope you are doing as ok as you can do in this kinda situation.
the best thing to remember its not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop this from happening.

*much hugs*

L x

Posted: 25th Oct 2004

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

Posted: 25th Oct 2004
People, thanks again for your words of support and advice. Its very reassuring to know you can come here on HoP when you find it hard to go to anyone else. Like a few of you have said i'll probly never get over it. But i know in time i will learn to live with it. Like the other friends i have lost. Maybe this time felt so different because of the circumstances. Anyway guys, thanks again.

A wise man once told me, A friend will bail you outta jail, A great friend will be sitting beside you saying that was f**king awesome.

Posted: 26th Oct 2004

do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!



if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!



smile! :grin: it confuses people!

Posted: 26th Oct 2004
What a hideous thing to happen.

I wish I could say more and take away your pain, screw it up and throw it in a bin, but I can't.

Your strength will see you through and with time you'll only remember the good bits of him.

There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

Posted: 5th Jun 2005
sorry 2 hear about it, hope you manage to get through it, my mate's just had his leg amputated cos of cancer i know it's not he same but it helps 2 share your pain

UCOF "evolution: Poi -> stick -> hoops -> devil stick -> juggling club -> juggling ball -> crayons."

Supergroovalsticprosifunkstication
In other words, it's the thumps bump

Posted: 7th Jun 2005
Believe that past the darkest night, the morning waits to give its light. Believe that on some distant hill the sun is shining brightly still.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
And at the going down of the sun, and in the morning,
we shall remember them.

Be strong, like the others say, the pain will never go away, but it does get easier, it gets pushed further and further back into your brain and it helps you to dwell more on the happy moments.

I lost quite a few people in a very short space of time a few years ago and had horrible nightmares for years because I kept blaming myself for certain things, asking questions I could not get an answer to and dwelling on my own version of what may or may not have happened. I refused to talk about it to anyone. I thought that if I denied that they ever existed in my own head, then there would be no pain. If they were talked about, I left the room. I thought I was the strong one, but I'm the one having a tough time still dealing with it now. Its getting better though. Give power to your thoughts by verbalising them, put your fears and wishes out into the cosmos and let the angels toy with them. It feels so much easier when its shared, and you'd be surprised just how many people who would be willing to share your burdens with you, even in this day and age, and a bit of a release goes a long long way.

Keep Strong.

"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Posted: 11th Jun 2005
Wow, Bluvalley, your comments struck a cord with me.

Many,many people have died recently , and I am having a hard time with the grief. It is an unexpected emotional response for me, since I do not see death as a bad thing. I never thought everyone would just go at once though!

Part of it has to do with the tsunami in Thailand, many people I know died there, and I went to go help with the aftermath. It was heartrending, inspiring, terrifying- so many things at once. It has affected me more than I anticipated. Now I am back, and feel disconnected from things here, feel like no one can relate to this experience, or even wants to really ( why would they?) Things here dont seem to have meaning right now.


Within a week of getting home, someone I love here also died. I was present for the death. Like Warchild, I have dreams of his dying, but I want to have dreams of his living, not the physical breakdown at the end. I am mentally excited for him, and glad he no longer suffers. But somehow, my heart does not concurr. Something about the physicality of it is lingering too... I know this will change, but now, it still hurts.


I just feel overwhelmed, the amount of people I miss. Sometimes the reality that I can never touch them or hear their voices again, takes my breathe away. Haunted. Regrets, lost opportunities, emotions unexpressed, that I was not there when I could have been, on and on. I have lost my ability to beleive in the future, that we have time to work things out. Find myself scared that people will just disappear, at any time, and I am not ready.

I have wondered if forgetting is the best way, or how to move through it. I just go on, day by day. Look for the bright bits, enjoy what memories I can. Am I accepting things, moving on, or just going numb? I honestly dont know. I am definately messed up about it in my head.There are not generally a lot of people open to talking about trauma loss and death, so I have been keeping quiet, other than to a few close friends.

I am likely going back to Thailand to continue the work needed there, but must get my head clear first, so I can be of use.

Anybody have concrete suggestions how?

Soryy Warchild, to go off on a personal tangent, this is your thread about your expereince...

I hope that you are finding peace with it!
love, Andrea

wherever you go, there you are

Posted: 13th Jun 2005
Ola rowanlee!



last year I lost two friends of mine as well, during three weeks a colleague of mine died, just like that - totally unexpected - after that, probably a week later, my ex-boyfriend told me for the second time that he does't love me anymore, it's just friendship...blabla, and a week after he split up with me a good friend of mine died as well, she drowned in the river where we meet up every friday for firedance sessions,...actually nobody knows what happened to her, the only things I know is that she was drunk and had a friend of hers with her, who aparently wasnt such a good friend....or whatever...anyway in her drunkenness she had the idea of crossing the river by swimming and ....she drowned.....

when a good friend of mine told me about her death I was standing in front of his vinylshop - records - and he just told me that I probably should call my friend gregoire as quick as possible, caus his (ex-)girlfriend just died.....I was wondering what he was talking about as I've been friends with gregoire for several years and the only girlfriend I could think of was Eszter, but she cant be dead, how, why, no way....

He said: "I think her name is....Eszter....!" and at that moment I just got goose bumps while we had about 32 degrees in the sunshine, directly phoned gregoire.......and so on.....



now its nearly a year ago that my lovely art and cook and dance....friend died....and I still miss her a lot - just started crying while I'm writing this here, but with a "I-miss-her-smile" on my face my tears are dropping down on my table...,but I can tell you: the pain and sorrow changed since then.....a thing that helped me a lot was first of all to share my pain with others - you musn't keep it to yourself, caus that is a first relief....then a week or two or three after her death I went on holiday, last minute, spontaneously to turkey, caus I just couldn't think nor work properly anymore....apart from thinking about life in general and questioning the whole life I started to enjoy life more and in different ways......my thoughts about me, life,.....changed a lot since last year...

...and finally I made a piece of art out of my friend Eszter....I took several pic's where you can see here dancing, black-white photographies, din a 4, on each pic you can see her in a white skirt and white top and a different move of her dance you can see on each pic...on top of one of them I putted a red/bluish foil where the climax of her dance is and hung it installation like.....in the corner above my bed.....now I have some kind of foto installation with the title "Eszter's dance", but be aware that its a danse macabre/death dance!!! It reminds me of don't take life too serious, have fun, enjoy every single moment of your stupid little life...and of her for sure.....

she watches over me from above and .......it helped me a lot to get over this a bit more...and in a way she is still with me....



....so rowanlee..why don't you try to integrate those beloved people of yours in some kind of art object,....you do by yourself and on your own, don't just forget them or try to ignore your confusion and pain, cause otherwise it only will get worse...write about them, poems, paint something, work with pics, make sculptures out of stone.....whatever you feel like....and make yourself aware what you used to like about them so you can keep up more good memories....try to find the book I read after all the pain and will send you the link next time, am at work at the moment and its at my place....



so ...all the best to everyone who had to feel anything that resembles warchild, blu_valley, rowanlees or mine emotions of the past year....



hope you all will find a way to live on happily with the ghosts of our beloved around us...



never stop to believe....









lots of luv



tina





@blu_valley: nice words - gave me a little shudder - in a positive way, you touched me.....

- Ho Sa -
kisses & peace & love to beautiful madges
*rever le temps le prendre*

Posted: 14th Jun 2005
loss is always hard to deal with, its different each time. i think talkin and gettin things out can help, hiding your grief and not expressing can make it hard, u need to get that stuff. i think doin it thru this site and this thread is good, u will always get alot of love and support here, and their are, sadly, alot of ppl who have had simular experiences (myself included), its a time for soem introspection, take stock of yoru life, what you are doin and where you are goin, and try to move on, thats not to say forget, NEVER forget that you knew them and the impact they had on your life, but focus on the life not the death. it can be hard, especially having seen the car, a friend of mine jumped off a bridge, i had to cross that bridge almost everyday, and almost everyday it broke my heart until i changed cities (for other reasons). its a cliche but time will help heal, sometimes time moves very slowly, but it will get better, i think you have already felt a lessening of the pain, i dont think it ever leaves entirely, i hope it doesnt, but you learn to live it. fill your life with love and friends and family and things will get better.
hope you get some healing soon.

It took a while, but once their numbers dropped from 50 down to 8, the other dwarves started to suspect Hungry.