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FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
www.firetom.com - to be revised

My photostream on FlickR

My YouTube channel - not that frequently updated



Gemini/ pices rising, blue magnetic mayan storm, taroistic sun (19), chinese munky...



Adoring arts primordial majesty.... Beauty (something where you do not feel that anything needs to be added or taken away), Fire(dance), design, diving, drawing, friends, jewellery, life in general, massage, music, motocross, movies, photography, philosophy, sunsets...



Books: The Alchemist, Celestine Prophecy, The Unbearable Easiness of Being (by Milan Kundera).... but currently living my own fiction rather than reading that of others...



Movies: Amelie, LotR (all of them), Crash, Matrix (all of them), City of Gods, Being John Malkowitch, City of Angels, The Big Blue, Name of the Rose, Le Vita e Bella, Amores Perros, Monsieur Ibraim... too many to list... let's try more: Deja Vu, The Illusionist, Valley of Flowers, Awaken, Blueberry, Star Wars (well, yeah - oldskool), 2001 and 2010 Space Odyssey, A Hitchhikers guide trough galaxy... smile



Music: (Deep/Progressive)-House, Dance, PsyTrance, Easy Listening, N.O. Jazz, Zydeco, Blues, Swing, Classic, Latin, Rock, Cafe del Mar, Buddha Bar, Reggae, Dub, Sufi Music, Sikh Music, Percussion (like Gaudi), Worldmusic... really anything with quality and harmony, even mainstream if produced with taste and finesse... ubbangel



Favourite quote (s):



"mind your thoughts - they will become your words

mind your words - they will become your actions

mind your actions - they will become your character

mind your character - it will become your destiny"

(lao-tse)



"we have to become the change we want to see in this world"

(ghandi)



"money can buy a house but not a home, a bed not sleep, a clock but not time, a book not knowledge, a position but not respect, a doctor not health, blood not life... money can buy sex but not love... and love is the way..." (anonymous)



"kiss me tom" (supergirl) wink ubblove



world traveller in summer years, artist, munky, rebel, embodying life's extremes of water - fire - air - earth - space, a spiritual being having a (very) human experience, juggling probs and projects, solving life's equation - for just those 2 cubic-metres of sensual experience, striving for the same destiny as you - merely on a different road... hug



Previous proFessions: dishwasher, cleaner, chauffeur, driver, salesperson, security, agent, manager, eX-millionaire, artist, musician, dj, didjmaker, (jewellery and clothing)designer, goldsmith, gemcutter and polisher, massage therapist, performer, coward and hero, blind - mute and deaf at the right and wrong times, chilled by nature, heart and hands on fire, impulsive, harmlesss master, devoted fool, dancing child of destiny, faith healer...



Sometimes controversial, rebelling, polarizing shrug



Got initiated to firedancing in Byron '96, firestaff... didn't touch Poi for 3 years after hitting my balls with heavy firepoi, dared another try in 1999 and proceeded, got my kix in Koh Pha'Ngan 2002, then started a professional career shows in Germany, Brazil, India, held workshops worldwide...



...not the greatest spinner at all, ceased training two years, but am back into it...



sometimes pretty clumsy... rolleyes English is only my second lingo! Please take this into account... as a German I would often say "can you" instead of "could you please"... not engaging much in popularity contests and definitely not too much into Social Games and Chat. Idle talk is really something I consider not worth the precious air.



But definitely Nutella................................ on creamcheese toast or Belgium Waffles!!!



ubbrollsmile bounce



Registered 03 to HoP after promoting it since my first day spinning - never made the time to look or post rolleyes ... that's why the number is low, the errrr's are high... wink



Looking for where the home is for the heart - can't really decide so far as the planet is so genuinely beautiful...



ubblove and ubbidea to all of you



grouphug



*edited* wink biggrin



My latest Promo:



https://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LVYgVFUX5Js

EDITED_BY: FireTom (1214826177)

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
 Written by: FireTom


Not quite there, yet - so I have to keep the cover of mis tery over it... for now wink Gotta talk to Malcolm, first.



No idea what you're talking about, but have fun with it!

B.t.w. I didn't see you on any of you're pictures frown Come on, give us an impression of how you're bumming around there

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


BirgitBRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
wave

belated welcome Mister Tom!

Wieviel Richtige hattest Du denn beim Brustimplantat-Test? ubblol

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
 Written by: Birgit


Wieviel Richtige hattest Du denn beim Brustimplantat-Test? ubblol



o.k., what did I miss now?

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


ChellySILVER Member
Niraffe
884 posts
Location: Up north, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
 Written by: Aurinko



B.t.w. I didn't see you on any of you're pictures frown Come on, give us an impression of how you're bumming around there



Yes, yes!!! Pictures!! If I ever get to meet you, how will I recognise you? (other than the sack of silver jewellery and various drums hanging off your body of course!) hug

Aurinko - are we still starting a revolution with scones? I found some really nice jam for them...... ubblol

"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
... hmm - hate to disappoint you.... I would have to hand my camera to someone, to take a picture. Travelling by myself.

Maybe in India it's a better occasion... there is only one pic of me, here in the gallery (from Koh Phangan last year) and right now I'm not having much of a social life - most by myself and getting things straight ... more of a business trip, than leisure...

But there are (only a few) pics on my website, if that's of any help... wink klick and view I'm the guy in green and then with the "Siegfied and Roy" Costume... most of the time I'm behind the camera, not in front of it wink Maybe to the fact that only recently I have unlocked the mystery of "love thyself the way your parents genes have made you look like" biggrin

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
 Written by: chellybean


Aurinko - are we still starting a revolution with scones? I found some really nice jam for them...... ubblol



I'm always in for revolutions and scones! Just discovered coconut jam. Might be helpful (for the revolution and the scones)

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


awakenSILVER Member
The Evil Pixie (apparently)
716 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
Hey mate!

How ya doing today...Sorry for appearing rude again and doing the fly-by thing... just a bit swamped at work but wanted to say hi!

I'll be back!
hug

rock hopping, hop-scotching, pippy pocky stocking - Sureau - wink thanks Jen! biggrin

Ry: I can't hear you. I'm listening to The Spice Girls.


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
crrrk... crrrrkcrrrk.... umm crrrrklcrrrk...



Sorry, but somehow I don't seem to get a proper sound outta this radio... rolleyes




Non-Https Image Link




Take a seat, help yourself with tea and cookies in the meantime - sorry for being rude enough, not to offer any before, girls wink



Awaken, you have no time to stay? Awwwwwww, too bad I was about to prepare my favourite treat, oh well take one on the way then (in case you like some)... *teehee*








Non-Https Image Link






Fair enough?





crrrklcrrrk, pfeeaooow ubblol rolleyes anyone, knows where I find "Bay F.M."? wink

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


awakenSILVER Member
The Evil Pixie (apparently)
716 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
*wanders in sniffing the air*



oh heeeelllo.



How you doin?



*Takes a seat*



So tell me, how ya been? What have you been up to? This weeks highlights? Tell me a story? biggrin



ubblol omg, and I was just at the grocers last night and I saw waffles, thought, "Man, haven't had them in ages!". So I got some, and vanilla ice cream and maple syrup. Yum! But then we had tea late so I didn't feel like them late at night... you know how it is. Straight the the paunch!

hug

rock hopping, hop-scotching, pippy pocky stocking - Sureau - wink thanks Jen! biggrin

Ry: I can't hear you. I'm listening to The Spice Girls.


ChellySILVER Member
Niraffe
884 posts
Location: Up north, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
 Written by: Aurinko



I'm always in for revolutions and scones! Just discovered coconut jam. Might be helpful (for the revolution and the scones)



coconut jam?! Wow!! Have you tried it? Sounds tasty! Wait.......hold on now........is that.......nutella and banana on a waffle? And tea?! *collapses to the floor in complete and utter ecstasy* ubblove

"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Harrrr, it is indeed *wiggles eyebrows* and just yesterday I bought myself a wafflemachine biggrin to make those big, fat (errm... as in "thick") waffles biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

*ponders* hang on a sec. umm did I just read "coconut JAM"???

Help yaself with the waffles, plenty around and more to come... have some whipped cream... we seem to have the same idea in the past couple of days... For me it's all been arounds and about waffles... ubblol

This weeks highlights? Too many to list, I have to admit. Live's kinda good to me these days - then again it's always good, one just fails in noticing. Thinking of opening up a legal drugs-place in India (sugars that is)... wink

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


BirgitBRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
*sits down and buries her face in the waffles*

whipped cream anyone? biggrin

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half


ChellySILVER Member
Niraffe
884 posts
Location: Up north, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
Ooooh, yes!! Mmm, waffles, cream, banana and nutella for breakfast! ubblove

Yeah, coconut jam sounds a bit weird to me. Have you ever tried it Birgit?

"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
And here my newest fancy



3931_Duch100_Syrupwaffels



Dear Birgit, couldn't accomplish the test so far - all busy in public internetcafes, too worried that kids may come in. Having said this, I see 100% fakes in real life everyday for the past 2 weeks...



[edit] YAY detected 16 out of 20 fake boobie traps... makes me better than 99% my age and THAT statement makes me really ponder upon the disadvantages of ageing.... rolleyes



Besides I cut my hair! ................. *sound of cicadas*



well not much of a big deal, huh? Considering that I had my hair grow for the last ten years and that they have been REALLY looooooooooooooooooooooong.... wink



oh well.... back to Curries and Waffles *sigh* wink [/edit]
EDITED_BY: FireTom (1163586681)

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
 Written by: FireTom


Besides I cut my hair! ................. *sound of cicadas*




now wait ... why?

and besides: WHY???????????????

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Well, what to say? I try to keep it as short as possible, still just write it the way I think it:

For ten years I let my hair grow (with the occasional cut), in this time I did most of my travels.

I was a long haired Hippie and L.O.V.E.D. it!!!! Especially since I knew I had my bank account and wouldn't even HAVE to give a poo about anyones opinion anyways.

Now I recently started to sit down and think my life over (call it a second midlife crisis). I got aware, that my Hippie-outlooks and outfits were nothing more than my previous suits and ties, nothing different than my leather jackets, or "new wave" (sort of 80s Depeche Mode, Duran Duran upscale Punk) outlooks.

On my travels I met Hippies, who where so friggin faschist and conservatives, who were so incredibly open minded, that I had my world turned upside down, twisted around... ubbloco

I met "spiritually enlightened Gurus", who had no problem in shaggin anyones girlfriend and ex-Pimps who lived life in decency, ex-Hooligans who had turned into the kindest persons I met...

I met people who call themselves "open minded" and "rainbow" and do nothing but run around, calling anyone "normal" a "faschist Nazi"... I met people from the "community" who had no problem in taking their brothers and sisters business (and would even lie in their faces about it). I met Hippies who would take all kinds of money from their fellows, without telling and still pretending to be "a family", I met "averagers" who got robbed by Hippies even.

And I read the quote: "Being a saint doesn't exclude a nice garment and a beautiful home" - somehow it resonated in me.

What it boils down to: An outfit is an outfit and it doesn"t say anything about the person inside, except maybe how much this person respects himself.

Clothes and hairstyle act as a uniform, one needs to recognise another from the same "trade" or "cast".

But if (in outfit) I have to identify myself (to be subculture), don't I play the exact same game as all the rest?

So far for the outfit and hairSTYLE...

Sometimes I got confused in my mind, what would be my own thoughts and desires and what would only be a projection from the outside (as in: hairs acting like antennas to the outer world)...

I was tired of all the projection I received from outside and the sometimes extreme disrespectful attitude, people of the "normal" side put in my face.... eek

But to be honest: the only thing that really touched me was the remark of another HoP member, who said: "The person below me is going to cut his hair off and polish his head".... and I precognised the sensation of the first shower with a bold head, the feeling of air runnning over it and

well, I'm not polishing and don't intend to, but let me tell you that much: The first shower was almost like sex, I spent the first week constantly stroking my head and the people I meet look at me with very different eyes (yet my core is the very same) - furthermore, I don't do "the sticky stuff" for a few weeks anymore, even though I get it offered almost daily (for free) AND I FEEL SO FRIGGIN GREAT that I don't even remotely want to go back to where I was two months ago - within the next ten years at least.

When I turn 60 and my hair is ALL WHITE, I might let it grow again wink biggrin

oops redface gained some legth here, excuse me redface ubbangel ubblol

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
 Written by: FireTom


Well, what to say? I try to keep it as short as possible



ubblol

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww



me in Ibiza



my promo



first time candled



and second time sworded



getting there and about......... ubblove

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


ChellySILVER Member
Niraffe
884 posts
Location: Up north, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
Yay!! bounce

'tis wicked to see you in action sir! The touring is going well then? hug

"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
the promo-video is nice. I can't believe you really cut your hair. Say, did I have fantasies or did you really wrap your poi around your neck in one of the videos?

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


Pogo69SILVER Member
there's no charge for awesomeness... or attractiveness
3,764 posts
Location: limbo, Australia


Posted:
wicked vids, tom!! clap bounce clap

--pogo (pat) [forever and always]


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
redface yupp - neckwraps... I like wink

Thanx for the approval, I promise try harder and get back to where I haven't been yet wink bounce

Yeah I cut my hair and Aurinko - it was the best thing I could have done at this time, trust me.

Now the touring goes well, just had to finished an emotional and financial very draining relationship (one of the reasons for my European time out) and am heading back to BKK - arriving in a few hours.

As much as I feel sad for facing the inevitable, I also feel relieved. Or to speak with ravehead:

Why do I always come across a certain situation..

more soon

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
doubled rolleyes [sic!] wink



Now I do have to announce that I consider myself really lucky, being alive and in one piece (well, by 99% that is - that 1% missing is somewhere...)



Last Monday I watched sunset at Curlies, went to the German Bakery for dinner (before scheduled for NineBar and late evening trance-class)...



My friend was puzzled, but later I was really happy I ate solid and well... Hugging my friend goodbye, I got on my bike and drove off. Dunno why - as recently I really got into a more relaxed driving style - I passed some scooters, turned into HillTop road (nice ascent) and (it must have been [edited after new evidence surfaced:] shortly after shifting into 2nd) accelerating I notice a black patch on the road.



Before I can think any further than "water?" confused shrug I notice my bike getting slower (uphill) confused confused while the engine turns faster umm umm - and before I even can think "shoot: OIL!" eekeekeekeek My rear tire starts to take over. frown



Crash Bang Boom! Not only I missed the concrete slab on the side of the road by 40in', I gave way for my staff-bag into the ditch... But my right foot.... seem to have gotten under in and in between the bike (call it "hungry kitten" from now on) and the road (call it "sleeping dog"). Now "hungry kitten" and "sleeping dog" started to rub each other, in their excitement unaware of my, that got caught up in the middle... umm I spare you pictures and more detailed descriptions of the three cuts and the amount of gravel and dirt, but trust me: Things I only knew from photographs and never wanted to see (on myself)... *ouch*




Non-Https Image Link




Funny enough I got all the cuts at the left ankle and all the bruises on the right leg - go figure confused shrug the doc and I couldn't... "Hungry Kitten" got all kinds of new parts and will be back as new shortly....



Fortunately the guys on the scooter were on the same path, helped me up, put my bike next to the road, handed me the key (and firebag, stopped a bypassing car and let him take me to hospital...



... where I met a tailor of the upscale kind (regarding that I provided my own fabric). He cleaned, showed me and then stitched my cuts - which were neatly placed, 2 on the outside, 1 at the inside of my left ankle... I guess he showed me the wounds, just so I can see my leg in a shape it will never come again... or to justify the 6 grand (rupees) that he charged... he promised me, a nurse would come with it (errm "me"), but that was a deception he only kept up until I handed him the bills... He mumbled something about "travel insurance", but I guess he was more talking to himself...



I was already worried, as in my distractionism I forgot to instruct the guys to put sand on the oilpatches... The road is VERY frequented, especially when NineBar finishes (at 10pm) and ppl go down that hill real fast sometimes eek not to imagine - there were a few that got struck, but I heard of nothing major. [phew!]



Now I'm spending my days [unscheduled] in the Hammock, on the porch and work a little on the masks that I want to use for performance... Certainly will keep you updated and toss in a picture, soon. Funny enough how I feel like in "the beach"... wink



In the meantime I promised my feet to get them proper biking-boots a.s.a.p. (the cuts are just on and above the ankle, with proper boots I would just have a few bruises)



weavesmiley Next week everything back to normal wink More time for costumes... less time to bum around on the beach and chase skirts rolleyes wink .. as if ..

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
eek

hug thank whomever, you're kinda o.k.



Wait, I'll send you a proper nurse to take care of you:




Non-Https Image Link




And: yes, please, get yourself some biking boots

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
redface thank you hug - she's sweet smile ... and so are you

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


AurinkoBRONZE Member
hello!
1,034 posts
Location: Amsterdam, Netherlands


Posted:
redface
oh oh. I'm not used to compliments, which means they irritate me in such a way that I start to talk rubbish and bump into things. Have to work on that

a swapped test-playboy, set free by NOn, idolizing the tea fairy; Dragosani spiritual freedom agreement reached 18th Sept 2006


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
That I would love to experience in real life... could we start a reality show on that? wink biggrin

Tomorrow the threads going to get pulled - am thinking of doing a small video life coverage (this was my first and last medium sized bike accident)... *knocknocknock* wink

People here (including locals) do claim that it seems to be in range of possibilities that somebody put the oil on the road on purpose (either to teach a lesson or to deprive the victims of their possessions) - dunno what is more scary, the thought itself, or that we consider it at least possible... eek

In the meantime I have noticed quite a few places, intersections (previously) contaminated with oil and all I can think about it is, that some really friggin' truck owner/ driver doesn't want to "waste" some rupees in order to get the spillage under control - you may notice I am a "wanna believer" and can't get the idea of such ******** censored ********* INTENTIONAL act into my head...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Post moved from "Pain tread".



Okay, this one is mildly amusing to me, but might explain a lot to some others - pls note that this is not to act as an excuse for anything and not to ask for pity. In fact, anyone starting to "pity" me, will get a spank or at least a tongueoke: next time our paths cross... plus, beware it's the readers digest version already, still has length...



I'm coming to Goa - about a month ago. Had myriads of projects in my head and really was on the height of energy accumulation. So I move to that partyplace, just one day ahead of a big rave and was already psyched to spin fire (like I did on X-mas there) a few pics on the first page of the picture search on "Hilltop, Vagator"



But on the day of the party I received a lower backpain so bad, that I not able to move out of my bed. If not for my wonderful neighbor looking out for me, I would have died from dehydration (Goa can pretty much be like "The Beach")... So I spent 10 days in bed, listening to party sound, trying to get my back back on track with "Poi-massage".



I know, pain is moving on and there is a point where this is only a fading memory... BTDT



About the next day - after the pain was gone - I was psyched to go dancing and celebrate my regained abilities... YAY!



...and had a pretty bad motorcycle accident ... things were really not moving my (in any) way. I spent the next 3 weeks, leg up in my room and if not for my neighbor and the hosts, I would have been close to jump off the next cliff - but would even have to take a taxi and someone to guide me to get there...



The content of these pictures might be offensive! Do not klick, if you might feel offended by the display of (stitched) wouds



As said before, Goa is much like "the Beach" (movie) and I find myself by myself a lot of the time, because there ppl with a clear and sound mind are kindof rare - for me. I am not keen on party-, drug- or pseudo-spiritual smalltalk... Funny (strange) enough a woman that claimed to have "fallen so much in love" with me - and btw slept with a divemaster, when I was in Germany to sort out the story with my x - neither showed up, called or by the time we (finally/ accientally) shared a table for breakfast, even noticed me limbing around or the big fat bandage on my foot. yeah - "boys are wankers", sometimes it's better than what is coming across from the other side... let me tell you that much.



Now all of THAT pain is gone - mostly. The ankle got some deeper impact and walking is about to 95%, (fire) dancing is an effort that requires immense (body owned) morphines...



To this added, I still have troubles with my ex - who was not only jumping the sheets with a few strangers, but had now been "screwing" me out of a few grands (by discontinuing our business and taking the funds for supporting her oversized appartment and over the top consumption habits).



And - just to twist all this a little more, another woman who I recently met - and started to admire - has returned to her ex... Yeah I know it's getting pathetic. I do have a history of bad realtionships/ endings - wonder why I haven't turned gay (oh, yes - it's because it's no different to a straight relationship)...



I could now say: LIFE SUCKS! But I'm far too much in love with life than to ever seriously claim that shout, and my pisces-ascendent seems to enable emotional balancing - plus I grew up in Bavaria with the saying: "It could always be worse".... Well, given that - I don't want to know HOW bad it can get... I have gotten a pretty good idea already



I experienced that the smile in my face is not as bright and not as frequent, when my temple (body) is undergoing a major re-structuring and renovation process (go figure)... but this seems to be unacceptable to much of my surrounding. I seem not to be able to walk away from potential conflicts, like I used to - and I guess (amongst others) OWD got a taste of it... hope you didn't take it too personal (and I sincerely hope merely mentioning it here is not getting me banned).



Ppl (from the community) who meet me (and who I do want to engage in business with) just think "hey this guy is not too much fun, I rather stay away", resulting in my frustration over how to generate a reasonable income...



And recently receiving the message that my dad has gotten diagnosed with a terminal illness didn't cheer me up - despite the fact that he acted like a pcensoredk all of my life... *breathe*



But all this isn't enough, hey! I met/ meet people on the street/ strangers in the cafe, who "encourage" me smiling by saying: "Why the are you not smiling? This is Thailand/ Goa - you SHOULD be smiling!" or am overhearing comments like: "Hey!" pointing at me, "that's a happy look, huh?" - driving me either close to tears, or to just jump into his face - somewhere in the middle I guess.



It's not that my temple is a brand new one - spotless so to speak - I've got a few kinks and nicks here and there, I've had to learn to deal with (chronic) pain for about 15 years now (after a car accident that wrecked my right shoulder and limited my movements). A few acts of physical violence on my sound condition, a-not-as-easy history and two kidney stones...



... had to learn that this doesn't mean to anyone and one has to smile until fainting, or puking - because it's NOT how you feel (nobody gives a damn) but only and exclusively how you LOOK! to others (if one minds social contacts anyways). And I learned that both, self pity and looking for reassurance (because of this) is not getting me anywhere...



This and other factors contribute to a certain sense of humor (which is not accessible for everyone) and lifestyle/ way of life and if you'd meet me, you may not even consciously notice any of that...



(Chronic) Pain - physical and emotional - is reducing the quality of life and painkillers really are none of my (long term) choice. I find it amazing what the human body and mind is able of/ can learn to cope with and I have my deepest respect for ppl who are finding a way to deal with (chronic) pain (again all kinds), without constantly whining and fishing for pity, without constantly dumping their misery onto others... so halfway sane...



Dunno whether you understand, or if you have any experience yourself/ in your social environment, but sometimes it's just that I feel completely alienated and disconnected. Plus I am mainly travelling alone in a foreign country, mostly without any long time friends or a partner close to me... yet, I manage to stay open minded (I reckon) to most situations in every days life (on and offline), I (generally) stay help- and cheerful...



Now I have seen this city inside out - visited all the watz and am not keen on (professional) company, or phoney amusement... I don't mind company at all and last nights dinner with Fixx was cheering me up a little (thanks again, hun, hope you have a blast in Krabi)... I'm STUCK - at least I feel like - except if I put myself on the train to nowhere... rather go to Wat Po and have my temple-maintenance programme (original Thai-massage)... it's driving me



Hopefully I have not bothered you too much with this story, thanks for taking the time to read it through - pls spare me comments like "aww...." and " ", I'm not after getting pity from anyone on here... and prefer RL hugs coming from the heart...



so please, no condolences - until after three days of my burial ceremony [/ironic on the latter] [/serious on the former]



I know that pain is a learned response and one can desensitise from it... Much like: Pain itself is inevitable - suffering is self chosen. But I'm careful to deliberately cut off natural instincts and reactions, as long as I'm not certain what that does to me/ my heart.



Happy (Thai) new year
EDITED_BY: FireTom (1176711150)

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


ChellySILVER Member
Niraffe
884 posts
Location: Up north, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
hug hug2 hug

Much love, hugs and many happy thoughts being sent your way my friend. ubblove

If I do give you sympathy, is the spank a promise...? wink

"Lots of beeping. And shaking and tinfoil." Chelly

"Are you sure it's a genuine test and not a robot heroin addict?" Cantus

---set free by the rather lovely FireTom---
--(right arm owned by Fyre)--


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Chelly your post combined with your signature was really puzzling me about your preferences... umm How'd you like to have it ??? devil wink ubblol ubblol



But thanks heeps for the thoughts.... hug



Here in KPN the nights become almost unbearably hot and after a practice session I was jumping into the water.... confused I mean "ocean" - and guess what? It had about 36 degrees eek YUKK ... ubblol will move to an A/C room today rolleyes

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


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