Someone help me please....

Firstly, I do not have the capacity for suicide. I love someone (she knows...) far to much for that. I have tired before (may come as a shock to some of you), but literally one person is keeping me alive.

I dont know what has happened.

The last time I was at home my mum stormed out. we were talking with my dad about how I had lied to them both, and the rest of the family about my first year Uni exams.

I censored

up big style. I smoked too much. I didnt go to enough lectures, didnt do enough work and didnt revise much for my exams. So naturally I failed the first time round and needed to retake 4 of them to get into the second year.

I gave up. I didnt know enough to pass them the second time round , but had 3 months to revise for them. I didnt at all. There wasnt even any point in me taking the exmas the first time round seeing as I knew I hadnt handed in enough work, and gone to enough seminars to pass even the baseline of what I needed to. So when the resits came round, i told my parents i was taking them...which i was goign to...until the mornign of the ifirst one, when I knew I wasnt going to pass.

I lied to my parents that i had done them for two weeks. THey kept on asking about the results and I kept on lying.

Then I went back home and had to tell my mum. She said she wasnt too happy about me lying to them for so long. She considered my first year at uni as my Gap year. The money (£1000) that my parents had putten towards my gap year, with which i wanted to go to Australia with and meet so many of the closest firends I have ever had from this site. Now that money is being used to pay for my tuition for my first year again.

Which leads me onto money. Ive lost so much weight over the summer due to me not eating properly. I cant afford it. My dad has been paying my rent (£260 a month for my student house) out of his own pocket. I was told to get a job in Canterbury as soon as possible, and if I coundt find one, then return to London and get one there. I still dont have a job and this is almost a year later.

Im a lazy fucker. I hate having to work but i know that i cant live if i dont have money (im eating 4 small potatoes with some butter for my main meal today). Added on top of this is the cost of Weed. and by jesus christ, did we smoke A LOT of gear last year. I swear we must have smoked our bodywieght over the course of the year.

then tongith i get into a text message conversation with my sister (who is curently stuck in france working until she has paid off her student loan). She ends up by saying:

Written by: My sister

She's saying she wants nothign more to do with you- her words, nto mine, Sorry to tell you this but you need to pull your finger out of your arse, and quickly....

I feel that im ....i dont knwo what im feelign right now..

probably pissed off with myself for being such a fuckign wanker and not sorting my life out. Upset that my mum has said this. Pissed off that she didnt tell me herself.

HOw the censored

can i sort this out?

I want to stay at uni. I want a degree. that is why i have chosen to resit the year instead of pull out. but i really am such a lazy cunt with the worst motivation.

Being stuck on my own in canterbury, with no one around, to talk to is making things worse. Im getting so depressed but i dont want to be at home. I want to be in canterbury. I love it here. I love being on my own and doing my own thing. This is probably why im not doing anything....every day im sitting on my computer instead of...well..getting a job?

Ive been round to ALL of the agencies in Canterbury and signed up with all of them. I still have no job. I have haded my CV to all the computer and camping shops here and still, censored

all has turned up. There is only one more place i want to work at. I dont want ot do a job that I dont like....is this my problem? i knwo loads of you hate your jobs but are forced to do them to pay bills and to pay for food, and a house.

Im scared that i will become homeless with no job...and become one of those bums you see on the streets. I dont want to be liek that. i want to be happy. Im really not at the moment ubbcrying

This coming year is going to be such a financial struggle for me. My parents will only pay for 1X first year, 1Xsecond year, 1Xthird year and 1X final year.

I iwll have to get a job doing something, working as many hours as possible, whilst doing my studies and having a social life.

Oh..and Im seriously over my overdraft limit with the bank right now. Im waiting for that next student loan cheque to come through.

I have been having to pay all the bills for the gas, water, electricty and internet connection all on my own as no one else has been living here. I hope to get this money back from teh other housemates as it is all service charges and line rentals etc.

I had to lie outright ot the gas company so they didnt cut the supply off last week. I had said that we had moved in a teh start of july (lie) and that we hadnt been there all summber to send back the money (total bullshit)...ive been here all sumer and using their gas...

WHAT THE censored

AM I TALKING ABOUT.

I love my family so mcuh and want to make them pround. My sister achived straight A's through her GCSEs, her A-levels and graduated from Cambridge last year witha 2.1. My cousin got stright A's at GCSE, straight A's at A level and will be going into his second year at cambridge later this month. I cant do that. i did well in my GCSEs then censored

my A levels and just censored

my first year at uni.

How am i supposed ot make things better?

My sister has told me to ring my mum to sort this out...but i cant face her. I hate upsetting her due to me. My mum has helped me out of so much and it looks as if i dont appreciate her. I love her. My mum, and dad have split up...i dont know if that is releavant but i want to say it. My dad is currently on Holiday in France and is staying with her for a few weeks.

Im going to sit down to my studies this year. I am goign to sit down to my studies this year. I ma going to sit down to my studeies this year. I am going to get into the second year....which makes me even more worried as it is harder than the first by lotsd..and the 3rd than the 2nd and so on.. If i censored

my first year how am i supposed to do the second year?

From a UCOF currently crying his eyes out..

and thanks for the animated hugs...they dont do censored

...i dont feel any better seeing them and your only wasting your energy clicking the mouse. Sorry... frown

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