Forums > Social Chat > Shyness ....

Posted: 23 years ago
Good question cass. 4 myself, I still cant answer. I realy wanted 2, but just dont have the bottle I suppose. Once I get introduced to a person, thats it. I'll chat at them until I see the fear growing in their eyes as they slowly back further and further away thinking to themselves "is this guy ever going to stop?"

Ive always been shy I guess. I think its the inital approaching someone which is really scary? maybe?

Dont forget to bring a towel

Posted: 23 years ago
Ive just realised how irronic it is to have my little quote thing at the bottom of my last post.

Im a lyer arnt I?

I shall now have to take it away, and live my life by another code

I regret somethings I've done, and others I just couldnt bring myself to do!

Dont forget to bring a towel

Posted: 23 years ago
Yes, it is the "doing the first move" isn't it ?
I mean, when I saw some people looking at me like I was crazy walking around with my crepes, I got a bit sad and stopped, but in fact I am more and more thinking that maybe they did not mean to scare me away, they were just shy too...

where did I read that on HOP "don't worry about hat people think of you , they are too worried wondering what you think of them" ? was it CHarles who posted that ??? can't remember ! anyway ... that is so true ...

And it is interesting to see an online community becoming a real life community...

I mean, honestly, I think my paranoid side was just imagining that every one would laugh at me... so i guess so did other people, uh ?

Is it an ego thing ? probably ...
I know that I am not such a terrific spinner, and I know that it is OK, cause I've only be spinning for about a year now and have exciting progress to make... so why should I suddenly be shy ? who cares ? my ego ?

so maybe we should have organized games to put people together ? poi-race ? poi-battle ??

and the name tags, uh ??? they would NOT have helped me the least bit cause I am shortsighted so i'd have been constantly sticking my little nose on everyone's chest to get to see their names ... but NOT ... because I am shy ...

more feedback ?

"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

Posted: 23 years ago
I totally agree.

I am not usually a shy person but when I turned up on Saturday I seemed to lose my nerve and instead of meeting new people I spent most of the time just spinning.

I have to admit it was quite intimidating, as I turned up a little bit late and there was so many people there already sitting in their groups. I found it hard to speak to people I did not already know.

Next time I will definitley make the effort and just approach people 'cause I will only regret it if I don't.

So I urge people to make the effort 'cause it will be worth it in the end and I know that if anyone approaches me I will be most welcoming and definitley friendly.

'Happiness is liking peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.'

'If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.'

Posted: 23 years ago
Hey Cass, good thread.

We all know that if we randomly walk up to somebody and say 'hi' the other person probably isn't going to be hostile to us. But it's still really hard for most people.

Shyness affects people differently. Either it's that first hurdle of approaching somebody, or it's the dread of a conversation filled with ers, ums, and silences that make things worse (these happen in normal conversations, but when you're nervous they seem deadly).

I was forced to think something through last night: how do I know the people I've met through spinning? I honestly recall only being introduced to a handful of people. With everyone else it was a case of introducing ourselves to each other after becoming part of the furniture at spinning events and clubs. Weirdly this slow integration into groups means that sometimes the introductory package (you know: who you are, what you do, name!) seems to be skipped! I just now know a lot of great people, but even now I still don't talk to a lot of these people as much as I should.

There's few people I've met and almost immediately felt connected and comfortable with but when it does it really is an amazing, energizing time. Recently most of these people have been poi people, because I think it really does attract like-minded, cool people. And we all here have a combined love of bright, spinny things! An instant sense of community cast upon a diverse group of people. However it does also give us a convenient excuse not to talk to each other, and spin alone instead.

Maybe a condition of future events is that everyone has the freedom to talk to anyone else and ask them about a move or toys they have. That way people can freely ask without feeling like they're intruding into someone's time?

Don't even think twice about bouncing up to people and say hello! If you think about it you'll lose your bottle. If people are sitting in a group pop down and say hello. Work in pairs, as this gives emotional support. If somebody you're talking to looks scarred or shy they're feeling exactly as you are, so keep going and you'll both settle into it.

Go on, it'll be fun!

Another thing. HoP has really increased my desire to travel, not to see places (been there, got 100 photo albums at home), but to meet people. I'll ring your doorbells one day and say 'Hi, I'm Dom. Fancy a beer?'. There's some lovely people out there and hopefully one day you'll have the chance to slam your door in my face

Enough babbling from me now!

Posted: 23 years ago
I had a great day, when I turned up it was dounting because of the what seemed like clicky groups . I had no idea that there were other people sitting around feeling the same. YET I was happy to spin infront of everybody but the whole talking thing that was scary, Your right it's the first move and then the worry that you won't have anything to say. I did speak to a few people and I made one girl laugh when I stated the obvious after a spin that "fire is damn awsome". Other than that I was part if the scenary.

I will however at future gatherings just bounce around and meet as many people as possible.

Having games of somsort at the next event would be good because it would strengthen the sense of community we all have, The problem I find is that the community works here on the site but in the real world the subconciouss kicks in saying , ther all laughing at you, when I know nobody is ,It's just controling that fear,

Cass those crepes were fantastic I hope I seemed friendly and greatfull if I didn't I'm sorry

AS for shyness we all suffer from it and it somthing that we need to work on in our own,

wow ramble or wot????

Spike

ask yourself this??.......... When was the last time you dug a hole you could be proud of???
answers on a post card

Posted: 23 years ago
I just seem to get quiet and shy when Im not around people I know... I went on sat with a big group of people and only realy knew one of them; it was kind of weird, Im not much use when it comes to sparking up conversation so just stayed quiet...
I spun over the back beheind the bushes and out of the way, and I didnt really get stuck in till it got dark and all people could see were the lights wizzin' around and not me... ...bit boring, and I kind of wish I had met more people... I have looked at the pics tho' so I know what some of you look like!
I dont know what it is with me, but its groups as I tend to be OK 1 on 1... ...catch me on my own next time!

you can take the cat out of the jungle, but you cant take the jungle out of the cat

Posted: 23 years ago
I can't seem to spin looking at people..went down Southampton common the other day with some poi peole that I had just met.. we all commented on the fact that we were all nervous and had the 'what if they are better than me??' gitters...It was a good tension breaker as we all laughed about how silly we awere being.. We each had a separate bag of trix.. We had a video camera going as well.. all I could see were shots of my back.. I guess it's easier for me to pretend that no one is watching..

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

Posted: 23 years ago
I've never been shy. Perhaps because I'm intensely good looking and charismatic but probably it's my theater experience and daily public speaking job.

I also think that the dynamic of having a large group of people show up to a random park can be a bit strange. I know nothing of poi in the park but I do see lots of spontaneous gatherings in NYC where people will clique up and not mingle. And then again I've been to events where everyone was intermingling and saying "Hi"...

A host usually helps the situation. I know at parties (pseudoraves) in the city there are usually people who's sole job is to welcome people to the scene and explain what's going on. At smaller venues, it's also nice to have the person who threw the party introducing people and what not.

In retrospect and having not been there, I can see how it would complicate shyness to just have people show up to a park with no real goal in mind aside from the meeting.

Please know that I'm not even referring to poi in the park, simply to random gatherings in general. We should certainly take this into account for future megameetings. Perhaps making sure that we have a basis for meeting others and socializing... Everybody brings food, or even a "white elephant" party where everyone brings a cheap silly gift and throws it into a pot and then picks a different one. I agree that this can get awkward and corny if done poorly but could be dang funny if done well...

Just some ideas from a guy who nobody really asked.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Posted: 23 years ago
I wasn't at PIP London, but i felt like adding in my two cents. In some ways, i'm the opposite of most people socially, I am the happy bouncy in-your-face one in large groups. I get much shyer one on one, but if someone else coems up adn talks to me i'm usually better then if i go up and talk to them. However, as I discovered on one trip, i'm kinda shy about going up and spinning with people i see. i know i'm a major newbie and i suck and it doesn't matter, but i still get sort of a brain freeze when i first see a group of people spinning....

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

Posted: 23 years ago
i'm not generally a shy person (growing up working in a theatre kinda puts the kybosh on that) and i'm really good at meeting new people. But, put me in a situation with new people and spinning. I'm buggered

I cant concentrate, i screw up all my moves and end up getting panicky and not enjoying myself. I keep on arranging spinning dates and then breaking them cos i cant face seeing people. I think because i dont know any other staffers its abit awkward

anyways, its mad

vic xx

ex-hop-aholic, now inconsistent lurker...

Posted: 23 years ago
Please don't be shy at these events! I am so jealous of all of you because I as far as I know am one of 2 or 3 fire spinners in my town...no poi in the park for me. So even if you don't feel comfy, embrace the chance to meet and work with new people if you have the chance!

Life is serious, but art is fun!

Posted: 23 years ago
As far back as I can remember, I've mumbled when speaking.
Also, despite having a reasonably large vocabulary, I find it very difficult to come up with the right words when I'm speaking to people and end up talking in a very slight stutter mixed with half formed words until I can actually get a whole sentence out, after which I usually start improving. It gets even worse when I'm in a group of people.

As a result, I'm pretty introverted and find it very hard to start a conversation with someone I don't know, I'm not comfortable speaking on the phone either, even with people I've known for years - probably in case they can't understand anything I'm saying.

Coupled with PIP being the first time I'd spun my staff in front of other spinners, I was really, really nervous. When I get nervous, I get really quiet, which just starts up a vicious circle because people then can't hear what I'm saying and I get more nervous.

When I eventually got up and had a spin, I felt so much better, purely because I realised that no-one cared if I dropped my staff repeatedly (which I did ).

I ended up spinning far more than I'd intended to (actually, my arm and shoulder were killing me for two days afterwards), because I could lose myself in the spinning and ignore the fact that I was too shy to talk to the people around me.

On saturday, I was sat almost right next to the snow leopard blanket thing, I really regret not introducing myself to the people who were sat on it (especially Noona - I love your hair, I kept meaning to ask what you used to dye it, and Cassandra - you already know I had my Go board with me), but I just couldn't bring myself to say hello.

I've really had enough of being shy now, PIP was the turning point and I suddenly realised how much my shyness limits me.
I've made a resolution to be as outgoing as I can when I meet new people, I've decided that I'd much rather that a few people may think I'm odd than no-one knowing enough about me to form an opinion.
I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but since I can force myself to give blood despite a huge fear of needles, I'm sure I can do something about it - I'll just have to wait until the next gathering I go to to see how well it works.

[ 25 May 2002, 23:49: Message edited by: TheBovrilMonkey ]

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

Posted: 23 years ago
I wasn´t there, but I know that I have my shy periods and they usually go along with anytime I feel put on the spot or just generally open to criticism creatively. It seems to me that some of our most tender and genuine parts are revealed when we´re dancing, spinning, painting, writing, whatever and in modern-day society a lot of people have hang ups about that. Just remember no one´s judging you and the best advice I can give is something from Michael, one of the most amazing dance teachers I´ve been blessed to have had in my life. He said we need to learn to just show up without showing off.

Beauty is the conscious sum of all our perversions.-Salvador DaliHope without action is hopeless.

Posted: 23 years ago
I think Cantus and I got a few words out of you bovril! *smiles and hugs*

I'm usually pretty chatty and bubbly but I got all intimidated at PIP London. It wasn't the people - everyone was lovely. Not sure what it was. Just my ickle insecurities methinks. And worriment about coming accross wrongly.

I did manage to smile a lot though.

Geologists do it in the dirt................

Posted: 23 years ago
Hmm...Very cool thread, Cass. I'm pretty jealous that all the HoP'ers keep getting together everywhere except the country where the site is actuallybased!

That comment about people worrying about what you think of them was in one of my posts, my auntie told it to me when i was about fifteen and has been one of the first "defining" moments of my current personality.

I'd like to add that while not shy in mnay respects, I've had to learn shyness as it is a very important part of social interaction. There is a time and place for it just as for any other personality trait.

It is, however, one of the least likely traits to show up on a Bulletin Board such as this, so many net-friends can seriously surprise each other when they do meet up.

Anyway, that's enough of my ranting...back to the people who were actually there

HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Posted: 23 years ago
i have to agree with everyone here-great thread.
im going to be me and start talking like there's no tomorrow...

Next year- i've told you Cass, ill be doing some sort of community/volunteer work.
Anyway to get into the specific program i wanna be in there was this 2 day seminar.I came alone and everyone else came in groups.
I was terrified! Im not used to being so out numbered. My situation was different from you guys because the people there didn't come to make new buds, and i thought that i could make connections with them-alas... So im not sure what im getting at so please please stop me!!!!
No really. I just wanted to share this horrible feeling with you guys and... I guess that's it

peace and love
Acid

life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans John Lennon

Posted: 23 years ago
I do the same thing that you do with crepes, with my chai.

I think a lovely ice breaker, or "thing to say when you're umming and arring" is "you wanna twirl with me?" coz that way you don't have to say anything and you're both doing stuff that you both like, and you both have morral support of eachother and all. Although I must say I've never actually done this with people I don't know I'm pretty shy generally. It'd be abit like asking someone to dance! Maybe not so easy after all, But I know if someone asked me to twirl with them I would.

There seems to be a lot of people expressing shyness to do with "not being good ennough" or being a "newbie" at twirling etc. I'd just love to say that when I'm watching a whole group of freestyling twirlers, The most beautiful, that stands out to me the most is the twirler who is slow and graceful, quite often the "newbie", with the magick and enchantment of fire in their eyes....the fire just circling magickally round them. They're still in love with the fire. They're the twirlers who are really feeling what they're doing. I'm always most attacted to watching twirlers who, aren't necesarily doing amazing impressive moves, but who is totally intranced with what they're doing and just dances with the fire.

It's amazing actually how much, twirling has improved my social skills... I've always been really shy and stuff and for some reason I feel comfortable in a twirling environment... I think inviting people to my own little gathering (the place where I feel most comfortable) has helped me so much with getting over shyness..... But I still sometimes get overwelmed with shyness, to the point I freeze up, go all speechless, motionless, and then I get all angry with myself for being so silly.

.:*Realizes how UNSPEACHLESS she's being and shuts up*:.

*:...one day all the fairy fridges will be aligned and my pixie world will be complete...:*

Posted: 23 years ago
Not really on topic, but still…

Cass – I was so grateful for your crepes that I feel the urge to de-lurk, and actually post! If I didn’t make eye contact it was either because I was so jiggered from the previous night’s clubbing, or because I had already disappeared in the direction of the jam and chocolate!!

And the smile was appreciated as well :-)
I shall endeavour to bring you something nice for next time ;-)

- Alienfox -

Posted: 23 years ago
It's interesting that many people feel annoyed or disapointment at themselves after the event. Anger and disapointment at yourself is a very strong emotion, and harmful. But these emotions are most probably stronger than shyness. So remember that next time, and use the memory of your disapointment to override your shyness.

Posted: 23 years ago
Slightly off topic, but after my earlier post, I feel that I should also make sure that people know that I had a great time at PIP, despite being annoyed at myself.
Thanks again to everyone who had a hand in organising it

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

Posted: 23 years ago
I went to PIP in London and as I went with a few friends I didn't make the effort to meet new people...although I did end up talking to a few people by accident! I think also because I was the first to light up my chains people took more notice of me - which made me paraniod!!! *grin*
Can't fucking win!
Anyway, I'm going to the meet in Sheffield tonight, so hopefully Ill have a bit more confidence and actually get to say hi to people!!

Retry
Abort...


Failed!

Posted: 23 years ago
Hmmm, in general, I am afraid of offending someone or just making a bad first impression. First impressions tend to last, so I get nervous. Once I warm up I am usually okay.
With the poi crowd it is different. Many seem to have these elevated expectations of me and I can't live up to them so I would rather not even try. Why I prefer to not spin is because I am isolated and I do it for a living, therefore when I am with others I would rather see someone else spin, since I never get to.
When performing my nerves/shyness often comes across as being flighty, so that is okay. I just hate messing up in front of others, especially when it is people I know.

That is why I am shy. I still have it in my head that what other people think about me is important, even though somewhere in me I know that is not the case at all.

Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

Posted: 23 years ago
hang on, was i reading crepes?? i thought you meant crepe paper? do you seriously mean those really yummy food things???

oh migod, i would have had no time to be shy, i wouldnt be able to talk with all that food in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

vic xx

ex-hop-aholic, now inconsistent lurker...

Posted: 23 years ago
Wow, all this si really interesting.Spike, it was lovely to meet you, even for the short time
NYC, good points I really think next time should be games, food, etc... we can trade /share ... Dom and Carrey and Glass were splendid Masters of Ceremony, but in a way I think one should also try and do the first move without waiting for a third person to introduce us

Bovril Monkey, your point is interesting ... once you try, you do realize that noone really notices or cares or laughs at you !!! I realized that a way back when i was soooo uncomfortable that I could not go out on the streets without a large coat, a walkman and no glasses on (to not see anyone's face)... I'd never go to a disco (still have only gone twice in my whole life !!!) not because I don't like dancing, but because I thought that everyone would stop dancing and laugh at me...and that's the "delirious and self centered part of some shy / self concious people like me ... slowly getting over it and I must thank Charles cause for some reason, that sentence he wrote really echoed in my soul !!!

Anyway...Moon Pixie, I always love reading your wise / warm words !!! good call !

Alien fox, WOW, de-lurking to smile and thank me for the crepes is *highly* appreciated !!! dunno who you were but I am happy it made you happy

Tirly Vic, yes thery were crepes, edible crepes with strawberry jam or nutella !!!!!

I just hope everyone feels more relaxed at the next PIP. I wish I could be with you

And one more thing ... which will sound WAY TOO MUCH ANTICIPATION... but anyway ...

eeer ... once the PIP atmosphere will be more relaxed and people will get to know eachother and warmth spreads and all that ... let's NEVER forget to welcome the newer people, those who show up for the first time and all !!! PIP was impressive, but although we will be less and less impresssed / closter and closter, it will be even more impressive for those who attend in a few weeks / months for the first time

Hugs, smiles and crepes
shine on
Cassandra

[ 27 May 2002, 20:42: Message edited by: Cassandra ]

"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

AnonymousPLATINUM Member

Posted: 23 years ago
Heh,

If I'd have been there Cass, I would surely have met up with you and had much chattly, as I'm sure Kate would have too.

A lot of people on here have focussed on what they did at LPIP, on their regrets and perceptions. While I think its extremely beneficial to identify that behaviour - Its even more important to make a decision not to let yourself do it again!

Make a pact with yourself - to not do that at the next PIP.

Start mentally rehersing walking up to ppl and saying "Hi!" its not really that hard - and what you can gain, so far outweighs any possible risk...

Anyhow, Kate and I will be giving demonstrations to show just how easy it is when we come over in 8 weeks

Ahhh cant wait

Josh

Posted: 23 years ago
Hello,

Well for me it was weird... I have been wanting to go to these things since WAY b4 just jugglers started and my friend has been to a few (Amy K)all over london...

When I got back from a three month trip to Brazil, ten days of which I spent in the mountains with like 15 circus ppl, mainly jugglers. I thought it was time to start taking this whole thing seriously...
I was so exited when Amy K told me about someone giving her a flyer at the march I decided to convince her to go although all our other spinning friends were busy...
When I went to Clappham I thought everyone would be ultra friendly, when I got there (ultra late) I noticed that all we got were weird looks and since I hadent even gone to the HOP page I didnt know what it was about...
I wasnt very friendly because somehow I thought everyone knew each other. Also there were some ppl I knew from Raves and most didnt even acknowledge my existence, so I got trapped in my music and started trying to learn new tricks.... Paid off though I now know about three more tricks which will open doors to a few more...
Pls say hi when u see me as I have no probs chatting, xcept i never shut up.
I will be wearing my pink and white hat (kinda trademark of mine)...

By the way... I speak two more languages and would apprechiate meeting ppl who speak them too as I need to practice (portugese and spanish)
So until next time keep spinning!
Lots of love to all, Drome

JUGGLEwithyourmind!

Posted: 23 years ago
8 weeks to go , JOsh ????
Yep, when I met Heather (what a lovely little princess ) in London, she did tell me you guys were coming !!!
YAY ... you're gonna have so much fun and enjoy yourselves so much !!!!

think about the European Juggling Convention In germany : absolute cool event !!!!

see you soon maybe ?

and by teh way, you are right, I think it is good to get over "it" that shyness and go for it next time !!!!

I learnt a lot from that experience though, which is always good.

And this shyness issue, does not affect any of the happy moments and memories of beautiful people I have in PIP !! It was wonderful

shine on
cassandra

"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

Posted: 23 years ago
I think everyone is being really quite hard on themselves, and you shouldn't be.

Nervousness about meeting new people and shyness is actually the norm. People who are outgoing with everyone they meet are the unusual ones.

A gig like SPIP is even harder... you're never quite sure exactly who anyone else is, unless you've been introduced to them by a mutual acquaintance, and then you have confusion over screen names and real names, as well as a whole heap of people who've never been to this site but heard about SPIP elsewhere.

It was a really great evening, I only saw one other Poi person I knew (Catherine, hi, how's it going? Kylie here...) and I didn't go up and introduce myself to anyone as I was too shy, but that's fine, I was being normal.

The crepe idea is inspired, Cassandra. I'll steal that idea from you if/when I do anything like that again.... although I'm sure anything I make won't be up to the standard of REAL french crepes!

I know it may sound a little toooo organised, but someone going round with sticky labels and a pen and writing name tags with real and on-line names would have probably helped break the ice a little too.

Anyway, back to the point, guys, don't worry, you're all NORMAL!!

Posted: 23 years ago
I get shy to the point of running away from people that talk to me (on rare occasions!) for me its lots of things. I'm worried about coming across wrong, insulting people, making a prat of myself, and a whole host of other reasons I can't put my finger on. I feel bad about it too. It's interesting that I cant talk for hours, and post and not really care what people think, But as soon as it comes to face to face communication, or even phoning people, I get quite scared. Odd?