Forums > Introductions > My Diary. (Feel free to comment)

Posted: 23rd Sep 2004

Written by: Mags The Jedi

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At least I won't only have the voices in my head to talk to.

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That reminds me of my housemates bumper sticker

Written by: ratty old VW golf bumper

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I live in my own little world, but at least everyone knows me here

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well I think it's funny anyway

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 23rd Sep 2004
Hey Mags! iam not scared of my fire poi anymore!!! woah yay!

looks like things have been going pretty up and down for you lately,so i am sending you loads and loads of happy thoughts and lots of hugs.

SMILE coz your worth it!

L x

Posted: 24th Sep 2004


Everything's going wrong. Spoke to Mojo last night, and my heart broke a little bit more. Soon I will be completely numb, and unable to deal with it anymore. But until then, I'll be whatever she wants me to be.

I am drastically poor and in debt. I had planned to clear most of aforementioned debts with my student loan, but I didn't realise you have to reapply for the loan every year. So now I'm not sure I'll get any money for a while (maybe as long as the end of term) and I'm shitting myself. I didn't sleep longer than about an hour last night/early hours of this morning, because I was worrying about that and Mojo so much. I'm gonna run to Student Services and ask them before I get on the train to lanson.

Any rich people wanna sponsor a budding journalist with £2000?

Didn't think so.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Sep 2004
I know online hugs don't do much but.... well..... you know

I'd try to give you advice but I'm sure you are sick of being given advice so I won't do that and I'm not sure I'd be able to come up with anything very helpful.

so all I can do is

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 24th Sep 2004
That's all anyone can do.

I wrap my solitude around me like a cloak, and wander through my life surrounded by strangers. Sadness courses through my veins with every heart beat, forcing me further and further inside myself. Soon I will have had enough.

The dark light of problems of my own creating refract through the prism of my sadness and create rainbow-like patterns of disappointment that are all I can see.

Today I have eaten one apple and three cups of coffee. I am crying like a weakling child and am unable to stop, even in public. I feel ashamed and belittled by my lack of control.

This can't go on forever. Soon it has to end.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Sep 2004
Should probably say:

Last night, Esther returned and made me clean the bath. (Fair enough, it was stained black with grime.) Brad came over. We went to Threshers, popped to Stevie's to drop of Soul Calibur II for his housemate to borrow and then returned to mine to watch Question Time and This Week. What can I say, I'm a politics junkie.

I also spoke to Mojo last night. And three times today.

Today I got up,went to college to confirm that I'm a feckin idiot who forgot to apply for his student loan (it'll now take about 4 weeks to come through) and then got on the train to Lanson to see the kids. Rhe's in bed already, Izzy's trying to blag me into letting her watch Eastenders. No idea why.

Whereas most guys are supposed to think about sex every few seconds, I can only think about Mo, and then I cry like a pathetic freak. Hopefully I'll see her tomorrow.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Sep 2004
Taz came over for a bit. (Friday night) We watched a movie called "4 Dogs Playing Poker". It's ok. Bit silly.

Despite the fact that I need to be awake again in a few hours (when the kids get up) I am unable to sleep. I've been lying in bed for the last hour or so, shaking and crying. I am unable to stop thinking about Mojo, and the fear of being by myself paralyses me.

If this pain is just "part of life", then I don't like life anymore.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Sep 2004
these are for you.... (hopes that someone will hurry up and invent hugs that jump out of the computer to the person at the other end....)

Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...

Posted: 25th Sep 2004

What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
Saturday 25th September

Woke up, fed kids. Rang the telesales people with whom i had the interview last week and told them about my lecture timetable. They're gonna ring me back to let me know how flexible they can be with the working hours.

Izzy has a birthday party to go to this afternoon, so I will have a few whinge-free hours with just Rheanna. I rang Mojo's mum earlier, as the party is near her house, and Rhe and i are going to go over there for a bit. Mo will be there, but as she repeatedly tells me she loves me, that shouldn't be a problem.

Damn it, I love her so bloody much. Hopefully she's gonna come stay here with me tonight. That way I might actually get a decent night's sleep.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
Hello mr sir.

SOrry for leaving you waiting on MSN this morning...I decided to make a fry up of the house consisting of Chips, beans, mushrooms, fryed eggs, bacon, sausage and naan bread.

and bloody tasty it was too.

When i got back from washing up you had gone.



I have some things I want you to make something out of...


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Non-Https Image Link



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Non-Https Image Link



any ideas what you can make?



Keep yer chin up.

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
Jon, I'm trying to give up dammit!

I appreciate the thought though man. What was the 2nd pic from the top meant to show?

Life, right this second, feels good. I've spent the afternoon at Mojo's with Rhe while Iz went to the party. We've just got back (all four of us) and I'm cooking bolognaise. Which the kids probably won't eat as they're fussy buggers.

My word, is it Saturday again?! Goes fast this life thingy doesn't it?

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
All the days seem to blend into one....

the second one down is for roach.
You know how I feel about people roaching the rizla

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! Roached Rizla packets!

If I remember rightly from my smoking days (nearly 4 years ago now!!) some incosiderate always roached a brand new packet, whether you gave them roach material or not!!! So then you had to put up with it for the whole packet!!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 25th Sep 2004
Damn and bugger it.

Why oh why oh why can't I bloody sleep? It has to be the lack of weed, surely. Which is yet another good reason to stop/cut down.

Mojo's cousin Lara came over this evening and we watched some cheesy teen flick called "Get Over It". It's ok, if you like that sort of thing. Then Lara went home and we went to bed. That was hours ago and I still can't sleep. Admittedly, sitting here writing this isn't helping, but then neither was lying in bed.

Ok, I'm gonna go and read The Jungle Book some more. Tis mightily good.

Sleep well, if you can.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 26th Sep 2004
Hey Mags...

I was in Sydney, it was gorgeous, and now I'm depressed because I'm home and it's cold and grey.

I know how you fel about the money thing. I hit the limit on my overdraft, have no job, no student loan (where is it, dammit!) and my rent is due in 5 days. Opps.

So, i hear you. And if anyone decides to get generous with sponsoring you, I'll be next in line

Go gently,

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 26th Sep 2004
Sunday 26th Sept.

OK. I eventually got to sleep. Curled myself around Mojo (a.k.a. the most beautiful girl in the world) and finally slept.

Woke up and vegged. Fed the kids and then they went off to play outside. Taz came over and we just sat around watching bad telly (the O.C. anyone? ) Taz wants me to point out (he's still here) that he was nothing to do with the decision to watch the O.C., so we're both blaming it firmly on Mo.

She left about 7ish as she has to be up for work (putting custard in boxes) at 3.30am. I wish I could tell you that we've sorted ourselves out and are happy being together again, but it wouldn't be true. Suffice to say that while we are together (in the same place) we are together, and when we're not, we're not. Not an ideal situation, but the best I can hope for at the moment. I'm gonna come back here (Lanson Vasey - a local town for local people) next week for her cousin's birthday party, so maybe the more time we spend together the better. It certainly is for me anyway.

Taz and I sat and watched some bizarre music videos (including some bollocks about "The Rise and Rise of Beyoncé Knowles" - Taz says he had no part in the selection of this, yet I wasn't the one with the remote!) and then Bremner, Bird and Fortune. He then nipped off to the offie and we got pissed and watched Gladiator. God bless Ridley Scott.

That done, we watched some mono-browed muppets hammering the [censored] out of each other in a boxing ring and debated the crapness of T.V. Now we're just drinking and he's watching me write this, offering corrections. (See above)



If I'm still awake at half 3, I'm gonna ring Mojo to help her wake up. Will be nice to hear her lovely voice, even if it's blurred with sleepiness.

Right, off to cruise the boards. Laters Bags.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
Monday 27th September

Woke up, took Izzy to school while Taz sat watching cartoons with Rheanna. Tidied Tamsyn's house and stuff. She got back about 1 so I wandered into town to meet Mojo, who'd just finished work. I was knackered too as I'd only got a couple of hours sleep the night before. We hung out at our friend Marks place for a bit, then went back to hers and watched Bridget Jones' Diary. The book is so much better. Had some food and then we went to bed about half 7.

Tuesday 28th September

Woke up at 3.30 when Mojo's alarm went off. Mumbled "turn the radio off" and went back to sleep. Then I woke up at quarter past four as Mo came into the room from having a shower and told me off for telling her to turn the alarm off, as she'd fallen asleep again and was running late. I was as apologetic as one can be at that time of the morning, kissed her goodbye and fell asleep again. Woke up about 9ish and after missing the first bus decided to hang around to see Mo when she finished work. I went and helped Mark clear out a flat (throwing furniture out of windows is fun) which was truly disgusting, full of bowls of mouldy food and first edition porno mags. I earned a 10er for it though. Then Mojo came back and we cuddled and watched Pleasantville. Around 5pm Mark came and gave me a lift to Bodmin so i could get the train back to Falmouth.

Got back to Fal about 6.45 and had some food (frozen Chinese prawns and rice - defrosted, obviously!) and then Brad and his friend Stampy came over. Had my first spliff in 5 days, got wasted and went off to the beach to meet Josh and Karen to play with fire. The students are all back, so the beach cafe was full of people listening to a live funk band, and there were loads of people sitting in big groups scattered around the beach too.

We burned about 12 litres of fuel and had a generally cool time. It was truly knackering, as we span for a good 4 hours practically non-stop. All good excercise though. I miss my monkey fist so much. Other poi just don't cut it. Need some money!

We returned to mine for a quick cuppa and a J, then everyone left except Brad, who stayed awake long enought to watch some Family Guy, then crashed in the downstairs bedroom.

Wednesday 29th September,

Woke up, lay in bed with a cup of tea and watched another episode of Family Guy while Esther was in the bath. Then I jumped in the shower and came into college to, amongst other things, do this. Now I'm off into town to post my student loan form. I'm such a bloody idiot for not sending it sooner. Phule.

Take it easy folks.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
You didn't send of your student load form earlier?? Mags you are silly sometimes

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
I only sent mine off about a week ago too.

The silly people didnt send me any forms to fill in.

Which was nice...

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
I think they probably sent me new forms, but I moved didn't I?

Trying to sort out the insurance claim on my bike at the moment. Very annoying.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
Sounds like it was a good weekend! Fingers crossed on the bike insurance..... I hate filling out forms....... thats another one of my personal phobias.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 29th Sep 2004
They sent me mine, but we start so bloody late - i don't register for a week - that it's practically useless *anyway*

pah!

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 30th Sep 2004
Bloody Students!! You should all go and get nice factory jobs where you can work mindlessly for the next 40 years, that's much better than hard studying stuff and trying to better yourself and enjoying your work!!

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 30th Sep 2004
bro, i totalyy agree!

DIRTY students, should stop sponging and get into working!

Step (el-nombrie)

Posted: 30th Sep 2004
Wednesday 29th September (continued)



Well, after leaving here, I went and met up with my friends Sarah and Lucy (both journo student like me) at their new flat in town. It was really nice to see them as they both went off travelling over the summer (separately and to different places I think) and so it was cool to catch up. Then, about 7ish I went and met up with Helen, the editor of Stranger Magazine, and a bunch of other hacks and hackettes who'd contributed to the mag. We had some champers, and quite a bit of beer and nachos, and a good time was had by all. Unfortunately I discovered that the piece I wrote about the Wire Daisies is not gonna be included in this issue as it was felt that (whilst the writing was, of course, excellent;)), they aren't a cool enough band to be including in the first issue. It's a fair point, they're not. Their music is ok, but fairly middle of the road. No matter, that's the way it goes sometimes, and I've got some cool ideas for some new articles.



About 10ish I wandered back to Sarah and Lucy's and had a smoke with them and some others. I wandered home about 2ish and quickly cooked some pasta, which I ate whilst chatting to Esther. She was all excited because she's found a really lovely house to move into, and has decided to move out. Crying shame really, she's an absolute star, but there ya go. By the time she'd toddled off to bed it was nearly half 3, so I decided to ring Mojo to wake her up. Had a nice little chat with her, then watched a couple of Family Guy's and went to sleep.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 30th Sep 2004
Thursday 30th September



Woke up this afternoon about 12.30pm and had a cup of tea and a bifta. Have you noticed how the no-weed thing isn't really happening, regardless of the fact that I'm not buying any? Wierd that isn't it? No mystery really, Sarah gave me a little bit last night so I could have one in the a.m. See, that's friendship for ya. My housemate Nick returned whilst I was in my reverie and moaned at me for his room being in a mess. I'm pretty sure it wasn't much messier than he left it, but fair enough. Right now I'm in college trying to sort out my travel arrangements for the weekend. I'm off back to Lanson tomorrow, and returning either Sunday night or Monday morning (although monday morning I have a lecture at 9am, and as it's the first one of the year, i probably shouldn't miss it ) Now i need to go find a fancy dress shop and come up with an idea of what to wear to Lara's party on the weekend. I also need to get Rheanna a present for her party on Sunday. Phew. Fun and games eh?



Right, must fly, I'll try to update over the weekend, but it promises to be a bit mental, so we'll see.



Love you all,

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 30th Sep 2004
Have a great Time Mags! Go As Arthur Brown... you know the one... crazy dude that set light to his head and sang "I am the God of Hell Fire and I bring you ........ fire ..."


Non-Https Image Link

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
Right. Quick as you like, here's how my weekend went:

Thursday 30th Sept [cont]

Mooched around, went looking round the fancy dress shops in Falmouth, to no avail as I have absolutely no money to hire a costume. Retired to Sarah's for a smoke instead. Went out for a quick drink in the evening with Nick, Ria and Lucy, then went back to our house and watched " Blind Flight ght". Nick passed out cos he was so drunk, so I watched the movie (very good) and retired to bed.

Friday 1st October.

Woke up at 8am and lay in bed watching Family Guy. The BT man was due from 8 onwards, so I had to be up early, despite the fact that he didnt actually arrive until 11.30am. I departed about 12pm to head to the bus stop. My plan had been to get a bus form Fal to Newquay, and then a connecting one from there to Lanson. Typically, the bus didn't arrive, so i hotfooted it to the train station as well, ringing my friend Mark on the way to ask him to pick me up in Bodmin, which he did. Good lad. Went to his for a bit, as Mojo was sleeping off the night shift still, and had a bit of a smoke and played guitar. Went down to Mo's about 6 and woke her up. We had some food with her mum, Bev, and Bev's boyfriend Mike, then went to the pub. Mo's cousins Chloe and Hannah were down (for their sisters birthday) and my very good friend Simon is going out with Hannah, so he came down too. Was very cool to see him. We drank, span poi in the pub and mucked about, then went to Lara's house for some more drinking/smoking. At some point Mo and I must have walked home and gone to sleep, cos that's where we woke up.

Saturday 2nd October

Woke up about midday. Lay around cuddling and kissing for a bit, then got up and met up with Hannah, Chloe, Simon and Craig (Chloe's bloke) to go round the charity shops looking for costumes. We bought a bunch of elf ears from a toy shop, and all decided to do the pixie thing. I got some baggy brown trousers and a gold waistcoat and braces, hacked the legs of the trousers off in a zig-zag pattern and voila! my hobbit costume was complete. Lucky I already have hairy feet innit?

We then headed to Lara's to help set up for the party, and to make the alterations to various bits of costumery. The party itself went really well, loads of drunken kids running around playing spin the bottle and stuff. Aw. Bless. Took me back a bit. Some little fecker nicked my vodka at some point during the evening, but it mattered little as I was hammered anyway. I think fell asleep at one point, but I remember (vaguely) walking home with Mo and passing out in her bed.

Sunday 3rd October

Woke up around midday, feeling like [censored]. Drank some water, smoked some fags and made Mo some tea. We didn't bother to get out of bed til about half 3, then I had a quick shower and popped up to Tamsyns to give Rhe her present, a Barbie gardening set complete with bucket and watering can. She seemed happy enough with it. I didn't go earlier as it was made clear to me that going to my daughters birthday party would not be a popular move, seeing as my ex-mother-in-law was in attendance. Hmm. Bit annoying, but there you go. Present giving completed, Bev and Mike picked me up and gave me a lift to Bodmin so i could get the train back to Fal. Having completed the Jungle Book, I read Five Quarters of the Orange all the way back. Tis a very good book. Maybe it was my heightened emotional state due to seeing Mojo/getting wasted/being hungover, but I kept welling up on the train.

Got back and dropped my bags off, had a cuppa and a chat with Cordelia, the last of my housemates to return, then headed down to Sarah and Lucys for a bit. Hung around there playing guitar and smokin til about half midnight, then came home, watched an episode of Family Guy, read for a bit and fell asleep.

Monday 4th October.

Good start to the term. I was meant to have a lecture at 9am this morning, but I overslept. Start as you mean to go on eh? Still, no bother, I mailed my lecturer and he didn't seem to mind too much. Apparently not many people did show up, so my crime is camouflaged by the crimes of the many. I have a photography lecture this arvo, and the rest of the day should be spent trying to get a job really. Tis a nice day, so maybe I'll just go loiter somewhere in the sun.

Happy Monday all.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 4th Oct 2004
mm youe weekend sounds alot like mine! time goes so fast when youe having fun huh!?!
it looks like you are feeling slightly better. which iam guessing is a good thing.

good luck on the job thing. that is also my plan for the day but i got some new shiney poi so i may just play with those.

L x