Pooh-Bah
2,211 posts
Location: London, Wales (UK)
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
Come faeries, take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame.
- W B Yeats
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Back to the barbie and ken thing, I heard a great one (from my dad no less
) about them.Did you hear they've released a new barbie? Its called divorced barbie. But It costs £25000. Why so pricy?
Well, not only do you get a Barbie doll with all her special features, but you also get Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken and Barbie's children....
The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
889 posts
Location: away with the faeries
what do you call a one legged donkey?
a wonkey
owner: my dog has no nose
vet: how does he smell
owner: terrible
*tumbleweed*
whats brown and sticky?
a stick
*funeral march plays*
sorry guys i'll leave the jokes to the funny people from now on
finland finland finland
the country where i want to be
pony trekking or camping
or just watching tv
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
that wonkey joke is mine and on the bad jokes thread screech... *waves fist*
what do you call a small, stocking wearing 1 eyed, 3 legged, white, jazz playing donkey?
A dinky, kinky, winky, wonkey, honkey tonkey
have at you
*settles back and rolls off with tumbleweed*
Harrow!!!!
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK
What does a donkey get for for lunch on Blackpool beach?
Half an hour...
Sorry...
Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.
Macaque of all trades
8,738 posts
Location: wombling free..., United Kingdom
how do ya make a hormone???
don't pay her....
A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.
co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
761 posts
Location: in the corner beside the filing cabinets, 2nd floo...
*plagiarised from pigsback.com , linda2ie*
subject = Lesson
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have
seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had
no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
Congratulations ladies - You have just learned the offside rule!
There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,
"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005
Mission: Ignition
534 posts
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
A little girl and her father are at the airport and the little girl, seeing all the big planes, asks her father why there are no baby planes.
Thinking it would be funny to see one of the stewardes' reaction, the father tells his daughter to ask the nearest stewardes. Being a curious little girl, she asks a passing stewardess why there aren't any baby planes.
Without missing a beat the stewardess smiles at the little girl and says "Go tell your father there aren't any baby planes because at this airport, we always pull out ontime."
^_^
Don't mind me, just passing through.
Look! I'm Darth Bunny!
446 posts
Location: Sunny South Africa
What goes black white black white black white black white?
A nun rolling down a hill!
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Yo ho fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to be,
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
a man walks into a bar.....................................
owch
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom
Sophie Ellis Bexter walks into a bar, the barman say s"Why the wide face?!"
Crasks me verey time....
Doctor Fandango. That's genuis! Thank you so much for helping more men all over the world expain this simple rule to the ladies
Let's relight this forum 
veteran
1,286 posts
Location: My House, United Kingdom
a man walks into a pub.......ouch
Proudly Owned By The BMVC
Are You Sniffing My Mitten?
10,530 posts
Location: They seek him here, they seek him there...
Oh look. The same lame ass joke posted twice, a post away from each other.
No wait... slightly different, though both lame, nonetheless.
The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,099 posts
Location: Bideford and Bath, United Kingdom
whats pink and fluffy?
pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy?
....
cold pink fluff
and carrying on from MiG
what do you call a deer with no legs no eyes and its on fire?
flaming still no idea
UCOF "evolution: Poi -> stick -> hoops -> devil stick -> juggling club -> juggling ball -> crayons."
Supergroovalsticprosifunkstication
In other words, it's the thumps bump
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia
Dr. Fandango:
I used to understand offside (I was on my school's football team)...but now I'm totally confused
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
761 posts
Location: in the corner beside the filing cabinets, 2nd floo...
i have no clue about offside either, i dont know the first thing about golf.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,
"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
this jokes a little crude but i feel it's PG enough.............
TARZAN AND JANE............. When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him
how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree".
Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but
I will show you how
to do it properly". She took off her clothes and laid
down on the ground.
"Here", she said, "you must put it here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then
gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually managed to
gasp, "what did you do that for"?
"Tarzan check for bees".
co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
761 posts
Location: in the corner beside the filing cabinets, 2nd floo...
lol
There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,
"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005
632 posts
Location: Southampton Uni
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same!
...no? What about:
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one says, "can you smell fish?"
yay!
Spin, bounce, be one with the world, because it is yours to enjoy...
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
arrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh...............must.....resist the urge............. to post baby jokes
sneaky little kitty
251 posts
Location: Missouri, USA
what did the hamberger name his daughter?
...............
Patty!
you want the truth? you can't handle the truth!
mmmmm...cheesecake
Has sharp edges
1,266 posts
Location: Stuck in the mire, USA
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia!
Q:Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: Have you heard of that disease you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes, its one of those canarial diseases. I hear its untweetable!
My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
Written by: Loki_the_trickster
Q: Have you heard of that disease you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes, its one of those canarial diseases. I hear its untweetable!
top marks 
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Written by: Loki_the_trickster
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia!
Q:Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: Have you heard of that disease you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes, its one of those canarial diseases. I hear its untweetable!
OK. These are TERRIBLE!!!
Ugh. Headache pills.
(Ok, maybe I smiled a bit...
) -Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
So God and Adam are walking in the Garden of Eden (this is back before that ugly incident with the apple and all) and Adam said "God, you know, I really like this Eve."
And God said: "Good, Adam. I'm glad you like her."
Adam said: "I like the way she looks, I like how she smells, I like how she feels...there's just one thing..."
"Yes?" said God.
"Why did you have to make her so stupid?"
And God chuckled and said "Well, Adam, I wanted her to love you, too."
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
comfortably numb
2,676 posts
Location: The countryside, Australia
I don't think my favourite joke is suitable for this forum.
It's about a monkey, and a lizard smoking...stuff.
Maybe not
I don't wanna get into trouble!
.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.
7,193 posts
Location: in the trees
one dark night a burgler breaks into a secluded country house. as he's is prowling around he hears this voice.............
" jesus is watching you"
the thief looks around but all he see's is a parrot on it's pearch, so he contiues to prowl around and again he hears the same voice........
"jesus is watching you"
again he looks around and see's nothing but a parrot on it's pearch, so he walks over to the parrot and sais
"polly wanna cracker??"
the parrot squawks
" my mame's not polly"
the thief looks shocked and asks
" what is your neme then?
the parrot replys
" i'm moses"
the thief looks puzzled then asks
"how do you know jesus is watching me?"
the parrot replys
" because he's the pittbull sitting behind you"
i don't think the prawn joke is printable on a family board
1,007 posts
Location: Horsham
lol the prawns.
ok heres an old chestnut:
a magical tractor was driving down the road, then it turns in to a field.
mehehehe
Owner of Dragosani's right side.
sober
109 posts
Location: Bury St. Edmunds, suffolk, United Kingdom
a monk, a nun, a priest and rabbi, an english man irish man and a scotsman, a blonde a brunette and a redhead, a penguin a zebra and a giraffe, all walk into a pub.
the barman looks up and says "what is this? some kind of joke?"
what do you call a chav in a box?
innit
what do you call a chav in a locked box?
safe
what do you call a chav in a locked box at the bottom of a hole?
well safe, innit
finally,
there's this big blue motorway sat in the bar with a pint, when all of a sudden a really scrawny little bit of red tarmac busts through the door and looks around wildly. the motorway dives ander the pool table to hide, and the tarmac goes away.
when the motorway comes out again, the barman says to him "what was that all about? you're huge.. you've got 6 lanes.. why are you hiding from that little piece of tarmac?"
the motorway replies "you've gotta watch out for that guy, he's a freakin' cycle-path"
*produces sandwich- is happy*
1,007 posts
Location: Horsham
heres one that my mum told me. apparently some kid somewhere put it in a history essay:
"henry VIII was half german, half english and half french, he was a very large man"
hehehe cracks me up.
Owner of Dragosani's right side.
My flabber is gasted
737 posts
Location: waaaay south of heaven, United Kingdom
what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
sorted
Smartie is trying to convince Jelly Baby to come out for a drink."But I always get beaten up when I go out" complains Jelly Baby, "I'm staying in". "Don't worry" says Smartie, "I'm a hard case, I'll look after you. No-one will bother you if I'm with you." So Jelly Baby agrees to go out. Sure enough in the first place they go to everyone gets respectfully out of the way at the bar and Smartie hovers threateningly any time anyone thinks that picking on Jelly Baby might be fun. Suddenly Smartie spots Tunes walk in through the door. Smartie says "Look after my drink" and disappears into the toilet. Tunes comes up behind Jelly Baby and says "What are you doing here soft boy?", promptly gives him the kicking of a lifetime and walks out in disgust. Smartie comes out of the toilet just as Jelly Baby is crawling out from under the wreckage of a table. "I thought you were going to look after me?" said Jelly Baby, and Smartie replies "Yeah, but that Tunes is menthol!"
Chaos is the natural state of the universe
Some days I'm the pigeon, some days I'm the statue.
honourary militant margerine ninJAH
If it wasn't for displacement activity I wouldn't get half as much done
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