Forums > Social Chat > Is there a place for jealousy
Login/Join to ParticipateGOLD Member
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
Okay, so this may come across as weird to most, and i know that there are a lot of romantics out there who will be disgusted, but here me out. I actually consider myself a romantic. People kissing makes me smile, i believe that love concurs all etc...
I grew up in a rednecked small town, where being gay was a crime, and town law dictated when you began seeing someone you had to physically assault their ex at the next party you saw them at.
This caused me to not have a relationship with anyone until i had moved away, which was, by the brittney spears standards we live our lives, quite late.
I don't really understand jealousy. The last relationship i had was with a flatmate
and lasted for 4 months. I ended it when it was obvious within 4 hours that he was attracted to our new flatmate. Three days later they were sleeping together but trying not to let me know (duh, room under theirs 
)) and not talking about it. I really liked the new flatemate, and after talking to my ex, spoke to her and said everything was really fine but i thought that they needed to talk about what they were doing. I ended up sitting down with them playing go between and didn't leave until they were actually talking about things. 6 months later when they moved out they were still together and obviously totally smitten. All of this only seemed sensible to me. The guy and i were never good for each other. I never confided in him and i am sure he never did with me. We just didn't have anything special, but they did from the start. But what is strange to me is that all of his friends and mine were (while trying to be totally sympathetic and thoughtful 
) constantly telling me how mad and upset i should be. But he was probably my best friend at the time, and i really liked the new flatemate.
So here goes: I think (still solidifying ideas) that we put too much emphasis on monogamy and the sexual side of a relationship. I mean, i love sex, but i am not as obsessed with it. For me a relationship is about having someone who you can tell anything to. Who you can ask anything, who will always be on your side. Who you trust with anything and you know as well as yourself. And i would love to have that with someone. But watching a lot off relationships makes me feel like it becomes the primary focus of the couple to make sure that the other isn't cheating. They become paranoid and insecure. On the other hand, most of my friends are in long term relationships or marriages that are stronger then anything i had seen before i met them, but agree that they can kiss other friends when serotonin levels are high, provided they tell their partners about it.
So i don't think that i am suggesting that partners sleep with other people, i think it would take two incredibly strong, self-assured people for that to work. But, I don't know.... Seems like we are having relationships the way they have always been for that sake alone, rather then tailoring them to suit our own needs. Any thoughts? Im i getting a little to serious for a poi site 
Sorry!
So i want to know if you guys think that it is possible to have a relationship without jealousy? Or does jealousy serve a purpose?
Promise! 
Okay, so this may come across as weird to most, and i know that there are a lot of romantics out there who will be disgusted, but here me out. I actually consider myself a romantic. People kissing makes me smile, i believe that love concurs all etc...
I grew up in a rednecked small town, where being gay was a crime, and town law dictated when you began seeing someone you had to physically assault their ex at the next party you saw them at.
This caused me to not have a relationship with anyone until i had moved away, which was, by the brittney spears standards we live our lives, quite late.I don't really understand jealousy. The last relationship i had was with a flatmate
and lasted for 4 months. I ended it when it was obvious within 4 hours that he was attracted to our new flatmate. Three days later they were sleeping together but trying not to let me know (duh, room under theirs )) and not talking about it. I really liked the new flatemate, and after talking to my ex, spoke to her and said everything was really fine but i thought that they needed to talk about what they were doing. I ended up sitting down with them playing go between and didn't leave until they were actually talking about things. 6 months later when they moved out they were still together and obviously totally smitten. All of this only seemed sensible to me. The guy and i were never good for each other. I never confided in him and i am sure he never did with me. We just didn't have anything special, but they did from the start. But what is strange to me is that all of his friends and mine were (while trying to be totally sympathetic and thoughtful ) constantly telling me how mad and upset i should be. But he was probably my best friend at the time, and i really liked the new flatemate.So here goes: I think (still solidifying ideas) that we put too much emphasis on monogamy and the sexual side of a relationship. I mean, i love sex, but i am not as obsessed with it. For me a relationship is about having someone who you can tell anything to. Who you can ask anything, who will always be on your side. Who you trust with anything and you know as well as yourself. And i would love to have that with someone. But watching a lot off relationships makes me feel like it becomes the primary focus of the couple to make sure that the other isn't cheating. They become paranoid and insecure. On the other hand, most of my friends are in long term relationships or marriages that are stronger then anything i had seen before i met them, but agree that they can kiss other friends when serotonin levels are high, provided they tell their partners about it.
So i don't think that i am suggesting that partners sleep with other people, i think it would take two incredibly strong, self-assured people for that to work. But, I don't know.... Seems like we are having relationships the way they have always been for that sake alone, rather then tailoring them to suit our own needs. Any thoughts? Im i getting a little to serious for a poi site Sorry! So i want to know if you guys think that it is possible to have a relationship without jealousy? Or does jealousy serve a purpose?
Promise! ... simplify ...
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Posted:
I completely agree with you and your view of relationships.
I do not think that jealousy has any role in a decent one, and I think it only serves to hinder relationships. I will also say that trusting someone completely and being totally honest with them is not something that most people find easy to do. Trust and honesty are very importatnt in order for a relationship like you are describing to exist.
Why is it hard for people to be honest with each other?
As far as trusting others, that is understandably a harder task. Several people get cheated on at some point in their lives, or have some reason not to trust other individuals. Instead of initially trusting everyone, they selectively do so as not to have themselves personally hurt again. Sadly, trust is something that most people must build up in a relationship. It is against public culture to automatically trust someone you meet on the street. Now, is there a way to change that so we can reliably trust most people? I sure wish there was.
I completely agree with you and your view of relationships.
I do not think that jealousy has any role in a decent one, and I think it only serves to hinder relationships. I will also say that trusting someone completely and being totally honest with them is not something that most people find easy to do. Trust and honesty are very importatnt in order for a relationship like you are describing to exist.
Why is it hard for people to be honest with each other?
As far as trusting others, that is understandably a harder task. Several people get cheated on at some point in their lives, or have some reason not to trust other individuals. Instead of initially trusting everyone, they selectively do so as not to have themselves personally hurt again. Sadly, trust is something that most people must build up in a relationship. It is against public culture to automatically trust someone you meet on the street. Now, is there a way to change that so we can reliably trust most people? I sure wish there was.
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
jealousy in and of itself is not bad. it's what you decide to do with it is what causes problems. when my partner would get jealous about people i spent time with, he told me about it. he didn't stop me from seeing them, he didn't make a big fuss about it, he didn't distrust me, he just let me know that he cared about me that much to sometimes worry. and i did the same to him. to me, it was a sign he still cared about me, that i was the only person for him. and when i expressed the jealous feelings i was having, i was simply trying to communicate with him, to let him know how i felt about him, and how i was feeling at the time. i didn't expect him to change anything he was doing, i didn't want him to. but i wanted him to know how i felt so if i was unconsciously saying or doing things negatively towards him, he would understand why and be able to call me on it. i don't have a problem with jealousy as long as it doesn't interfere with the actual relationship.
jealousy in and of itself is not bad. it's what you decide to do with it is what causes problems. when my partner would get jealous about people i spent time with, he told me about it. he didn't stop me from seeing them, he didn't make a big fuss about it, he didn't distrust me, he just let me know that he cared about me that much to sometimes worry. and i did the same to him. to me, it was a sign he still cared about me, that i was the only person for him. and when i expressed the jealous feelings i was having, i was simply trying to communicate with him, to let him know how i felt about him, and how i was feeling at the time. i didn't expect him to change anything he was doing, i didn't want him to. but i wanted him to know how i felt so if i was unconsciously saying or doing things negatively towards him, he would understand why and be able to call me on it. i don't have a problem with jealousy as long as it doesn't interfere with the actual relationship.
I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
member
86 posts
Location: I'm not sure
86 posts
Location: I'm not sure
Posted:
You don't mean this literally, do you? Sadly, I can believe that being gay was a crime, physical assault being required by law??
I agree completely with what you have written. To me jealousy means lack of trust. If you trust your partner and believe that you are right for each other then you don't have to worry about them sleeping around or falling for somebody else.
Quote:
where being gay was a crime, and town law dictated when you began seeing someone you had to physically assault their ex at the next party you saw them at.
You don't mean this literally, do you? Sadly, I can believe that being gay was a crime, physical assault being required by law??
I agree completely with what you have written. To me jealousy means lack of trust. If you trust your partner and believe that you are right for each other then you don't have to worry about them sleeping around or falling for somebody else.
GOLD Member
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
member
165 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
Let's call it an unwritten law?
I just went back for the weekend to visit a friend who i heard wasn't doing to well and i still can't believe the head space people are in there. I was driving along in a car with two girls i went to school with, and they were bitchin that there were too many trees! "Doesn't the counsil know how to use a fucken' chain saw?" I was actually glad to get back to the city, even though i had to walk the 3km to the park to sit under a tree.
Small towns should be a whole new post. They do my head in. I went from living in the Bahamas, which is pretty laid back, to this town where people are just so scared to be different. 
I still remember hearing my first racist joke at about 7 and feeling utterly confused and disgusted.
Let's call it an unwritten law?
I just went back for the weekend to visit a friend who i heard wasn't doing to well and i still can't believe the head space people are in there. I was driving along in a car with two girls i went to school with, and they were bitchin that there were too many trees! "Doesn't the counsil know how to use a fucken' chain saw?" I was actually glad to get back to the city, even though i had to walk the 3km to the park to sit under a tree.Small towns should be a whole new post. They do my head in.
I went from living in the Bahamas, which is pretty laid back, to this town where people are just so scared to be different. I still remember hearing my first racist joke at about 7 and feeling utterly confused and disgusted. ... simplify ...
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I thought I'd be a jealous person.
And then it occurred to me. If I'm dating someone, I trust them to respect me enough to not cheat. That gets said right at the beginning. Therefore, it has never occurred to me to doubt the fidelity of anyone who I've ever dated.
I thought I'd be a jealous person.
And then it occurred to me. If I'm dating someone, I trust them to respect me enough to not cheat. That gets said right at the beginning. Therefore, it has never occurred to me to doubt the fidelity of anyone who I've ever dated.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
SILVER Member
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Pooh-Bah
2,014 posts
Location: Galveston, TX, USA
Posted:
Me either, Lightning, but I have had more than one jealous ex-boyfriend in the past. Of course, I'm also guilty of being overly trusting of everyone, and that has blown up in my face more than once as well. I figure it is better to just give people the benefit of the doubt now and trust them until I have personal reason to do otherwise.
Me either, Lightning, but I have had more than one jealous ex-boyfriend in the past. Of course, I'm also guilty of being overly trusting of everyone, and that has blown up in my face more than once as well. I figure it is better to just give people the benefit of the doubt now and trust them until I have personal reason to do otherwise.
GOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom
Posted:
Sometimes jealousy can be useful, but like pounce said, if you have it you need to communicate and not let it blow up or abuse your partner because of your feelings. It has a place but is a very strong emotion and needs to be harboured and controlled and kept in it's place. If not it will undoubtedy lead to destruction.
Some relationships are sacred, where neither could bare to share the other, some are open where sex can occur often and consentually (sp?) with others. If the two disagree on what their status is then MAJOR problems will occur without a shadow of doubt.
I've been in both types and if your honest with yourself, and your partner, happy times will be had by all.
It's good you could be so open and accepting with them both, especially as you didn't know what was goin on till you heard the bed springs especially as the honesty before that happenned just wasn't present. I know the rage inside me would have been present and very destructive. Congrats on your emotional control, I know a lot of people who would benefit from your mind set!
Oh and as for the gay secularism (sp?) and non acceptance I can totally relate to that, my town sounds bigger but is pretty much the same, as, I guess, are a lot of towns around this liddle world of ours. The fear of retribution from others because of their own fears about you simply being open about yourself can scare you so much escape from home can be the only option. Small mindedness sucks!
Sometimes jealousy can be useful, but like pounce said, if you have it you need to communicate and not let it blow up or abuse your partner because of your feelings. It has a place but is a very strong emotion and needs to be harboured and controlled and kept in it's place. If not it will undoubtedy lead to destruction.
Some relationships are sacred, where neither could bare to share the other, some are open where sex can occur often and consentually (sp?) with others. If the two disagree on what their status is then MAJOR problems will occur without a shadow of doubt.
I've been in both types and if your honest with yourself, and your partner, happy times will be had by all.
It's good you could be so open and accepting with them both, especially as you didn't know what was goin on till you heard the bed springs especially as the honesty before that happenned just wasn't present. I know the rage inside me would have been present and very destructive. Congrats on your emotional control, I know a lot of people who would benefit from your mind set!
Oh and as for the gay secularism (sp?) and non acceptance I can totally relate to that, my town sounds bigger but is pretty much the same, as, I guess, are a lot of towns around this liddle world of ours. The fear of retribution from others because of their own fears about you simply being open about yourself can scare you so much escape from home can be the only option. Small mindedness sucks!
Let's relight this forum 
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Fortunately, the smallish town that I live in is very Queer-friendly, being a University Town. In fact, most of the restaurants even get it when two guys are out on a date and will try to seat you in a booth, rather than at a table in the middle of everything.
However, the large city that I come from (Detroit area) is not very Queer-friendly, especially not in the affluent conservative suburb where I grew up.
Fortunately, the smallish town that I live in is very Queer-friendly, being a University Town. In fact, most of the restaurants even get it when two guys are out on a date and will try to seat you in a booth, rather than at a table in the middle of everything.
However, the large city that I come from (Detroit area) is not very Queer-friendly, especially not in the affluent conservative suburb where I grew up.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
member
1,591 posts
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada.
1,591 posts
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada.
Posted:
I to don't understand jealousy, mainly because I have never experienced it. Well I have felt minor twangs a couple of times but it was neither painful or of enough signifigance to give a second thought to.
Im completly receptive to open relationships. I was only in one open relationship and it was only one way (the person didn't mind having the freedome of an open relationship but they were increadibly jealous about what I did, to the point where it was a major issue that I had coffee with a good mutual friend of ours (I didn't meet this person "through her" either) who both of us thought of in a completly platonic way and she was extreamly jealous over it. It just baffled me.
I dunno, jealousy is weird. I don't mind it in others unless the person is possesive or controlling or the jealousy controls them. But it certainly is very alien to me.
Pounce your a therapist is there something wrong about being completly devoid of one of the major emotional components of the human experience?
I to don't understand jealousy, mainly because I have never experienced it. Well I have felt minor twangs a couple of times but it was neither painful or of enough signifigance to give a second thought to.
Im completly receptive to open relationships. I was only in one open relationship and it was only one way (the person didn't mind having the freedome of an open relationship but they were increadibly jealous about what I did, to the point where it was a major issue that I had coffee with a good mutual friend of ours (I didn't meet this person "through her" either) who both of us thought of in a completly platonic way and she was extreamly jealous over it. It just baffled me.
I dunno, jealousy is weird. I don't mind it in others unless the person is possesive or controlling or the jealousy controls them. But it certainly is very alien to me.
Pounce your a therapist is there something wrong about being completly devoid of one of the major emotional components of the human experience?
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
it kinda depends on the emotion really. ya, to be cut off completely from an emotional can be abnormal. depends on the situation, the emotion, the people involved, etc.
it kinda depends on the emotion really. ya, to be cut off completely from an emotional can be abnormal. depends on the situation, the emotion, the people involved, etc.
I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
SILVER Member
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posted:
wow... Im different here from a whole lotta people.
I have had my heart broken by cheaters from the beginning of my relationship days. I think that these experiences have wounded me a bit and now I have jealous feelings...
I have had a whole heap of time to work through this, and I remind myself that everything about me is beautiful, but still I get twinges of jealousy
Ever since I met arsn this has changed. I know that I am loved and that he will not do anything to hurt me by cheating. This is helping me to heal I does love you arsn
Funny thing is that when I met arsn I was a jealous little witch and I thought everyone was out to hurt me. It was my deep seated DIS-belief in myslef that would bring this about if I continued to reinforce it. so I am letting it go. Jealousy is such a strong emotion that its hard to learn new patterns of thinking...but one step at a time...
so I am now relearning to like myself.
wow... Im different here from a whole lotta people.
I have had my heart broken by cheaters from the beginning of my relationship days. I think that these experiences have wounded me a bit and now I have jealous feelings...
I have had a whole heap of time to work through this, and I remind myself that everything about me is beautiful, but still I get twinges of jealousy
Ever since I met arsn this has changed. I know that I am loved and that he will not do anything to hurt me by cheating. This is helping me to heal
I does love you arsn Funny thing is that when I met arsn I was a jealous little witch and I thought everyone was out to hurt me. It was my deep seated DIS-belief in myslef that would bring this about if I continued to reinforce it. so I am letting it go. Jealousy is such a strong emotion that its hard to learn new patterns of thinking...but one step at a time...
so I am now relearning to like myself.
TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"
False Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
Thank you.
Monogamy is often driven by jealousy. As are all kinds of other rules we put on relationships. Because if you know how your partner will behave in any situation then you don't have to deal with uncertainty. Which is a damn shame since there's a lot of fun to be had in uncertainty.
Quote:
I think (still solidifying ideas) that we put too much emphasis on monogamy and the sexual side of a relationship. I mean, i love sex, but i am not as obsessed with it. For me a relationship is about having someone who you can tell anything to.
Thank you.
Monogamy is often driven by jealousy. As are all kinds of other rules we put on relationships. Because if you know how your partner will behave in any situation then you don't have to deal with uncertainty. Which is a damn shame since there's a lot of fun to be had in uncertainty.
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
BRONZE Member
old hand
1,107 posts
Location: In a test pit, Mackay, Australia
old hand
1,107 posts
Location: In a test pit, Mackay, Australia
Posted:
Jealousy can be a very positive thing; it's an emotion that can be put to use to drive us to do better. There's not one of us here who hasn't looked at someone else and thought "I wish I could do that/have that/be her" or whatever, and that push that makes us get off our butts and do it is primarily based on jealousy.
Possessiveness, obsession and avarice are not the same thing.
Jealousy can be a very positive thing; it's an emotion that can be put to use to drive us to do better. There's not one of us here who hasn't looked at someone else and thought "I wish I could do that/have that/be her" or whatever, and that push that makes us get off our butts and do it is primarily based on jealousy.
Possessiveness, obsession and avarice are not the same thing.
There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.
False Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
Are you talking about jealousy or envy? I think there's a difference. Envy more like "you have something I don't have - good for you." Jealousy is more like "you have something I don't have and that makes me mad"
Are you talking about jealousy or envy? I think there's a difference. Envy more like "you have something I don't have - good for you." Jealousy is more like "you have something I don't have and that makes me mad"
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
HOP Lord of the Pirate Admiralty
1,079 posts
Location: Canterbury, UK
1,079 posts
Location: Canterbury, UK
Posted:
im jealous of a lot of things, but it makes me wanna work for them, (like btb weave) so it does hav a place in that sence
im jealous of a lot of things, but it makes me wanna work for them, (like btb weave) so it does hav a place in that sence
D.B.
X x X x X
Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!
Master of the Free Hug Program
BRONZE Member
10th degree spoon weilder
171 posts
Location: Halifax, Canada (currently in Korea)
10th degree spoon weilder
171 posts
Location: Halifax, Canada (currently in Korea)
Posted:
It's funny I grew up in the same kinda town before i moved to Hali.. I'm 24 and just starting dating my first real girlfriend.. Most people think that is weird but for me I never really wanted to give up my freedom... Like i said my town was small and the one you were with pretty well owned you.
I believe that monogamy really shouldn't play a big factor in a relationship... The fact is that people change all the time... I really dont know why people try to hord there partners to themselfs.. Why cant a couples sleep with other people? Why is that so wronge?? I think if more people did that instead of sneaking around and lieing the world would be a happier place..
Quote:
I grew up in a rednecked small town, where being gay was a crime, and town law dictated when you began seeing someone you had to physically assault their ex at the next party you saw them at.
It's funny I grew up in the same kinda town before i moved to Hali.. I'm 24 and just starting dating my first real girlfriend.. Most people think that is weird but for me I never really wanted to give up my freedom... Like i said my town was small and the one you were with pretty well owned you.
I believe that monogamy really shouldn't play a big factor in a relationship... The fact is that people change all the time... I really dont know why people try to hord there partners to themselfs.. Why cant a couples sleep with other people? Why is that so wronge?? I think if more people did that instead of sneaking around and lieing the world would be a happier place..
-Beeaaatch please, I'm the macaroni with the cheese.
-This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.
member
48 posts
Location: Perth
48 posts
Location: Perth
Posted:
Lots of
for ppl's lives swayed a bit wonky by broken trust... and cheers to those who don't even have real issues with this
I think kinda hear ya Valura...?
I am definitely not devoid of jealousy right now but also, it's something I've learnt through bad relationships... lots of experiences with cheating partners and ppl I would trust and it's really hard to try and separate the past experiences with the here and now. I know lots of people have had parents that have divorced due to affairs etc... but 5 years ago when it happened it struck a fair blow that has made me seriously question fidelity. Maybe even people as a whole... it'd be nice sometimes to just go back to being completely innocent and 100% trusting because it uses up just so much energy having a guard up and trying to distance yourself from certain situations. Balance is probably the key..
I'm with a wonderful person right now too.. who is absolutely supportive and beautiful in every way. I feel twinges of jealousy every now and then - though I do try my very best to try and get myself over them. I also discuss these feeling with him and he's said all the right things etc etc... I'm learning slooooowwwwwwly, but it's definitely a process... but I guess humans ARE creatures of habit at the end of the day and habits are made to be broken, goddamnit!
Lots of
for ppl's lives swayed a bit wonky by broken trust... and cheers to those who don't even have real issues with this I think kinda hear ya Valura...?
I am definitely not devoid of jealousy right now but also, it's something I've learnt through bad relationships... lots of experiences with cheating partners and ppl I would trust and it's really hard to try and separate the past experiences with the here and now. I know lots of people have had parents that have divorced due to affairs etc... but 5 years ago when it happened it struck a fair blow that has made me seriously question fidelity. Maybe even people as a whole... it'd be nice sometimes to just go back to being completely innocent and 100% trusting because it uses up just so much energy having a guard up and trying to distance yourself from certain situations. Balance is probably the key..
I'm with a wonderful person right now too..
who is absolutely supportive and beautiful in every way. I feel twinges of jealousy every now and then - though I do try my very best to try and get myself over them. I also discuss these feeling with him and he's said all the right things etc etc... I'm learning slooooowwwwwwly, but it's definitely a process... but I guess humans ARE creatures of habit at the end of the day and habits are made to be broken, goddamnit! GOLD Member
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
Posted:
I'm gonna respond to this first post before reading the rest, so here goes...
As a recovering jealous, hopeless romantic, let me jump in here. I know, its childish and egotistical and self-centered and very unlike me (ha). But I also get attached very quickly when its the right person... sometimes when perhaps I shouldn't. This is partially because most of my relationships never lasted over a month, and I was never able to get the kind of closeness I wanted with them, even though for osme reason in my head they should want nothing but to be with me (See, egotistical). The thing was that I also had this really caring and open side that fought with that constantly, telling myself that what I was feeling was stupid, and just ignoring it until it would eat me up. It's not a fun experience from this end.
Only recently have I even met anyone that I could talk to like that again. In fact, I met two of them. One is now one of my best friends, and the other, hopefully something more than that (That whole twin flame thing... wow). The thing is I love them both, and in fact I have several other lady friends who I also love with all my heart. I've learned that love doesn't necessarily mean grasping for that anymore, and my life has gotten progressively better the further I go now. I'm far more happy loving multiple people and giving all I can to them than trying to grasp on to one after the other like I used to.
The relationships are way better too... when its based on solid foundations its oh so rewarding and open.
I'm gonna respond to this first post before reading the rest, so here goes...
As a recovering jealous, hopeless romantic, let me jump in here. I know, its childish and egotistical and self-centered and very unlike me (ha). But I also get attached very quickly when its the right person... sometimes when perhaps I shouldn't. This is partially because most of my relationships never lasted over a month, and I was never able to get the kind of closeness I wanted with them, even though for osme reason in my head they should want nothing but to be with me (See, egotistical). The thing was that I also had this really caring and open side that fought with that constantly, telling myself that what I was feeling was stupid, and just ignoring it until it would eat me up. It's not a fun experience from this end.
Only recently have I even met anyone that I could talk to like that again. In fact, I met two of them. One is now one of my best friends, and the other, hopefully something more than that (That whole twin flame thing... wow). The thing is I love them both, and in fact I have several other lady friends who I also love with all my heart. I've learned that love doesn't necessarily mean grasping for that anymore, and my life has gotten progressively better the further I go now. I'm far more happy loving multiple people and giving all I can to them than trying to grasp on to one after the other like I used to.
The relationships are way better too... when its based on solid foundations its oh so rewarding and open.
Pooh-Bah
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
Posted:
i have to add my vote to the list of agreeing people.
2 reasons,
my longest term b/f (3 years) got off with his ex at a party when we'd been together a few months.If i hadn't forgiven him i would had missed out on so much love and such an amazing life experience - i'm glad i wasn't jealous.
2nd, My current b/f asked if his ex could move in with us - she was with him a LOT longer than i have been, but i trust him, so i said ok, and now she's my best friend ever.
There's a lot to be said for being reasonable and not being jealous, sometimes you miss out if you don't.
i have to add my vote to the list of agreeing people.
2 reasons,
my longest term b/f (3 years) got off with his ex at a party when we'd been together a few months.
If i hadn't forgiven him i would had missed out on so much love and such an amazing life experience - i'm glad i wasn't jealous.2nd, My current b/f
asked if his ex could move in with us - she was with him a LOT longer than i have been, but i trust him, so i said ok, and now she's my best friend ever. There's a lot to be said for being reasonable and not being jealous, sometimes you miss out if you don't.
I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
I disagree based solely on the grounds that AIDS is a nasty thing. I have no moral issue with it at all, but I have seen AIDS and it's not pretty.
Quote:
I believe that monogamy really shouldn't play a big factor in a relationship...
I disagree based solely on the grounds that AIDS is a nasty thing. I have no moral issue with it at all, but I have seen AIDS and it's not pretty.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Pooh-Bah
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
Posted:
Good point, but if people were more careful about safe sex then non-monogomous relatioships wouldn't be a problem.
Good point, but if people were more careful about safe sex then non-monogomous relatioships wouldn't be a problem.
I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.
GOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
HOP Mad Doctor
13,925 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Posted:
Condoms fail, fluids spill, etc. Ask yourself: would you have "safer sex" with someone who you knew was HIV+?
Condoms fail, fluids spill, etc. Ask yourself: would you have "safer sex" with someone who you knew was HIV+?
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
starring Skippy the green llama
1,148 posts
Location: Seattle, WA
1,148 posts
Location: Seattle, WA
Posted:
I'd have to agree with I8, when it's the right person for me, I do become very attached. The only time I've had an open relationship was to try and save a seriously unhealthy relationship, and it ended up making things worse. It just isn't my thing..If I'm with someone I really love, I don't want to be with anyone else..I kind of find it baffling that anyone would want that, unless they were in a relationship they didn't take seriously. N on the subject of jealousy, sometimes a little can be healthy, not to mention help you from being blindsided by people who you think are your friends.
I'd have to agree with I8, when it's the right person for me, I do become very attached. The only time I've had an open relationship was to try and save a seriously unhealthy relationship, and it ended up making things worse. It just isn't my thing..If I'm with someone I really love, I don't want to be with anyone else..I kind of find it baffling that anyone would want that, unless they were in a relationship they didn't take seriously. N on the subject of jealousy, sometimes a little can be healthy, not to mention help you from being blindsided by people who you think are your friends.
First intention, then enlightenment..
Ars Pyronomica
" Life is programmed. Whether death is programmed or not is yet to be determined."
Pooh-Bah
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
1,662 posts
Location: Bristol
Posted:
i think that's a really healthy attitude to have.
The best kind if relationships are whee you just don't want to be with anyone else, that's kind of why it's better not to be jealous, beause in that situation the lack of jealousy isn't a forced thing but a sign of love and trust.
i think that's a really healthy attitude to have.
The best kind if relationships are whee you just don't want to be with anyone else, that's kind of why it's better not to be jealous, beause in that situation the lack of jealousy isn't a forced thing but a sign of love and trust.
I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
i'm with musashii and lightning on this one....i don't think non-monogamous relationships are healthy. both from a medical health reason, and from a mental health reason. i've seen what it does. if you have the desire to sleep with other people, why be in a serious relationship? i just think you're kidding yourself as to what you really want. i'm bi-sexual. i like both men and women equally. they emotionally and sexually satisfy me in different ways. my ex told me when we first got together, that if i wanted to have a girlfriend, he would be ok with that, because he said he could understand my need for that since he couldn't give it to me. but i told him that while it was incredibly wonderful that he recognized that feeling in me, i loved him, i wanted to be with only him, and i still saw it as cheating even if he gave me permission. (he has since come to understand why i feel that way. he had a girlfriend since then that he told the same thing to and found it to not work). i think kissing other people is certainly different than sleeping with them. but it also depends on the emotional context behind it. i have felt cheated on when my partner didn't do anything physical with someone but started to "emotionally cheat" on me. it's an odd feeling. would i break up with them for just that? more than likely not. but it's still an aspect of a relationship that should be paid attention to. the same ex i mentioned, i would occasionally ask him if i could kiss a female. just a kiss. no emotions. i just wanted the feel of a woman's lips at that moment. and if he was ok with it, then i did. but it was so rare for me to feel that, because i truly loved him and wanted to be with just him. but i never had to desire to sleep with anyone else.
i'm with musashii and lightning on this one....i don't think non-monogamous relationships are healthy. both from a medical health reason, and from a mental health reason. i've seen what it does. if you have the desire to sleep with other people, why be in a serious relationship? i just think you're kidding yourself as to what you really want. i'm bi-sexual. i like both men and women equally. they emotionally and sexually satisfy me in different ways. my ex told me when we first got together, that if i wanted to have a girlfriend, he would be ok with that, because he said he could understand my need for that since he couldn't give it to me. but i told him that while it was incredibly wonderful that he recognized that feeling in me, i loved him, i wanted to be with only him, and i still saw it as cheating even if he gave me permission. (he has since come to understand why i feel that way. he had a girlfriend since then that he told the same thing to and found it to not work). i think kissing other people is certainly different than sleeping with them. but it also depends on the emotional context behind it. i have felt cheated on when my partner didn't do anything physical with someone but started to "emotionally cheat" on me. it's an odd feeling. would i break up with them for just that? more than likely not. but it's still an aspect of a relationship that should be paid attention to. the same ex i mentioned, i would occasionally ask him if i could kiss a female. just a kiss. no emotions. i just wanted the feel of a woman's lips at that moment. and if he was ok with it, then i did. but it was so rare for me to feel that, because i truly loved him and wanted to be with just him. but i never had to desire to sleep with anyone else.
I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
member
1,591 posts
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada.
1,591 posts
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada.
Posted:
Pounce I think your projecting your experiences in a blanket apon everyone.
There are countless people who have perfectly functional, happy, healthy and open relationships. I think a lot of people who get hurt don't fully consider their own beliefs which may not be completly on the surface and aren't nesscarily as intouch with their emotions as they think.
Why would they be kidding themselves of what they really want? Maybe they really want a lot of sex and a good friend and partner who they love dearly to share the journey with them?
I don't see why so much signfigance is put on sex, I think it's a product of ou society, We make it out to be one of the most desirable things, and put so much mysitcisam on it it's ridiciolous. Why is it that you can't have an open relationship and each other love multiple people? Lots of people do it and have long lasting healthy relationships. Are they just fooling themselves? It may not be for everyone but because it's not for you, and not for some of the patients you have seen doesn't mean it's not for everyone.
And lightning of people who use protection only a tiny amount have it fail and contract STD's. Why should the presence of a small risk define your lifestyle?
Pounce I think your projecting your experiences in a blanket apon everyone.
There are countless people who have perfectly functional, happy, healthy and open relationships. I think a lot of people who get hurt don't fully consider their own beliefs which may not be completly on the surface and aren't nesscarily as intouch with their emotions as they think.
Why would they be kidding themselves of what they really want? Maybe they really want a lot of sex and a good friend and partner who they love dearly to share the journey with them?
I don't see why so much signfigance is put on sex, I think it's a product of ou society, We make it out to be one of the most desirable things, and put so much mysitcisam on it it's ridiciolous. Why is it that you can't have an open relationship and each other love multiple people? Lots of people do it and have long lasting healthy relationships. Are they just fooling themselves? It may not be for everyone but because it's not for you, and not for some of the patients you have seen doesn't mean it's not for everyone.
And lightning of people who use protection only a tiny amount have it fail and contract STD's. Why should the presence of a small risk define your lifestyle?
SILVER Member
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
All the neurotic makings of America's lesser known sweetheart
9,831 posts
Location: body in Las Vegas, heart all around the world, USA
Posted:
ok first off, i was stating my opinion, not "projecting [my] experience in a blanket upon everyone." i could easily say the same statement to you, but i realize you are speaking from your own opinion. (and in effect, isn't that essentially what anyone does when they are stating their opinion?) but to humour you, let's just say you're right. i may be projecting my experiences, but i'm not just speaking from personal experience, i'm also talking as a psychologist. and a psychologist who specializes in relationship issues.
maybe there's nothing wrong with those type of people. but also consider that there's a possibility too that that desire may be based in something unhealthy in them that they fail to recognize. it happens all too often. i'm not saying everyone's that way, but some are.
i think some of this debate is also the difference between men and women's approaches to relationships. i'm talking as a generality, before you start jumping on that statement. yes everyone is different, but in general there are different approaches based on gender.
ok first off, i was stating my opinion, not "projecting [my] experience in a blanket upon everyone." i could easily say the same statement to you, but i realize you are speaking from your own opinion. (and in effect, isn't that essentially what anyone does when they are stating their opinion?) but to humour you, let's just say you're right. i may be projecting my experiences, but i'm not just speaking from personal experience, i'm also talking as a psychologist. and a psychologist who specializes in relationship issues.
maybe there's nothing wrong with those type of people. but also consider that there's a possibility too that that desire may be based in something unhealthy in them that they fail to recognize. it happens all too often. i'm not saying everyone's that way, but some are.
i think some of this debate is also the difference between men and women's approaches to relationships. i'm talking as a generality, before you start jumping on that statement. yes everyone is different, but in general there are different approaches based on gender.
I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
**giggles**
SILVER Member
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Mumma Hen
6,391 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posted:
I dont agree with this statement at all, and I shall tell you why
Pounce started her thread with
and then went on to provide an experience as evidence to support her opinion. That is not her blanketing people at all, it is simply putting across an opinion, which she has the right to do, and to be perfectly honest I completly agree with her...
Relationships are so multidimentional as it is, why would you add another dimention such as another person involved in the relationship, which can have such volatile consequences??
People are emotional creatures, and emotion is such an unpredictable thing. Feelings of jealousy, rejection and resentment can come into play in a situation, without any appreant reason, and cause unhealthy emotional upheaval... This is where I feel that pounce has hit the nail on the head...
I feel like pounce was coming from a more emotional point of view and not so much a sexual one.
I have had both types of relationships. The open one was fine to start with,we agreed we would be open and honest and emotionally we were together, but soon all those jealousy and rejection issues came into play, surprisingly not from me, but the other girl who he was sleeping with...
Thats when I woke up and learnt to respect myself, and thought that if this guy loved me he could be with me and respect me enough to stay commited.. I then broke up with him...
Now I am honoured, respected and put on a pedastool by arsn.
We have battled emotional attachement to other people, but NEVER EVER has another person been physically involved in our relationship, and they never will be... I would hate for something like sex to come between us . This is the most satisfying and beautiful relationship I have ever been in.
Quote:
Pounce I think your projecting your experiences in a blanket apon everyone.
I dont agree with this statement at all, and I shall tell you why
Pounce started her thread with
Quote:
i don't think non-monogamous relationships are healthy. both from a medical health reason, and from a mental health reason.
and then went on to provide an experience as evidence to support her opinion. That is not her blanketing people at all, it is simply putting across an opinion, which she has the right to do, and to be perfectly honest I completly agree with her...
Relationships are so multidimentional as it is, why would you add another dimention such as another person involved in the relationship, which can have such volatile consequences??
People are emotional creatures, and emotion is such an unpredictable thing. Feelings of jealousy, rejection and resentment can come into play in a situation, without any appreant reason, and cause unhealthy emotional upheaval... This is where I feel that pounce has hit the nail on the head...
I feel like pounce was coming from a more emotional point of view and not so much a sexual one.
I have had both types of relationships. The open one was fine to start with,we agreed we would be open and honest and emotionally we were together, but soon all those jealousy and rejection issues came into play, surprisingly not from me, but the other girl who he was sleeping with...
Thats when I woke up and learnt to respect myself, and thought that if this guy loved me he could be with me and respect me enough to stay commited.. I then broke up with him...
Now I am honoured, respected and put on a pedastool by arsn.
We have battled emotional attachement to other people, but NEVER EVER has another person been physically involved in our relationship, and they never will be... I would hate for something like sex to come between us . This is the most satisfying and beautiful relationship I have ever been in.
TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"
Dreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
4,308 posts
Location: York, England
Posted:
So much to say......
for starters, calling Ann Arbor a town of any type is just the wrong idea, Lightning. It is a city! Just remmeber, Lansing MI is actually a sizable city in comparison to the continent of america. Just....small town means, like, Perry or smaller one would think. Or taht area.
Anyway, about jealousy. I don't think there is a place for it, but it seems to happen anyway. I get emotionally jealous when i think i am not loved. That manifests strangely. However, I don't get at all physically jealous unless i am being ignored whilst in the same room.
Now, whats odd, the person i am with right now is apparently hyper-jealous...or...was?
In any event, he got very upset about my actions and claimed i was too close too a variety of guys, mostly one, when i was partying one night. Lots of weird issues also surround that, but when i wound up getting a chance to talk to him, he said two things, one being taht he was having trouble getting over the idea i didn't mean anything by what i did, but then he decided a day or so later that i could do whatever as long as i didn't do anything sexual, and he would trust my judgement. Etc, etc. But still he is very strangely jealous at times, if better, and he is very very closed about the relationship (wouldn't entertain even a threesome or anything kissing someone else, etc.) now, i not only could care less but think some of that (that = people kissing others sometimes type of stuff etc) is healthy. On the other hand, i really havn't been interested in anyone else lately. At all. so who knows.
So much to say......
for starters, calling Ann Arbor a town of any type is just the wrong idea, Lightning. It is a city! Just remmeber, Lansing MI is actually a sizable city in comparison to the continent of america. Just....small town means, like, Perry or smaller one would think. Or taht area.
Anyway, about jealousy. I don't think there is a place for it, but it seems to happen anyway. I get emotionally jealous when i think i am not loved. That manifests strangely. However, I don't get at all physically jealous unless i am being ignored whilst in the same room.
Now, whats odd, the person i am with right now is apparently hyper-jealous...or...was?
In any event, he got very upset about my actions and claimed i was too close too a variety of guys, mostly one, when i was partying one night. Lots of weird issues also surround that, but when i wound up getting a chance to talk to him, he said two things, one being taht he was having trouble getting over the idea i didn't mean anything by what i did, but then he decided a day or so later that i could do whatever as long as i didn't do anything sexual, and he would trust my judgement. Etc, etc. But still he is very strangely jealous at times, if better, and he is very very closed about the relationship (wouldn't entertain even a threesome or anything kissing someone else, etc.) now, i not only could care less but think some of that (that = people kissing others sometimes type of stuff etc) is healthy. On the other hand, i really havn't been interested in anyone else lately. At all. so who knows.
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
False Eyelash
346 posts
Location: New York City
346 posts
Location: New York City
Posted:
Hilarious.
Seems to me that jealousy and insecurity like to hold hands. And even make out from time to time. Actually, if I meet someone who comes out as being jealous I start to wonder if we're compatible, even as friends.
I don't think I'm a jealous person at all - but I sure used to be. And I'm so much happier now.
Quote:
for starters, calling Ann Arbor a town of any type is just the wrong idea, Lightning. It is a city! Just remmeber, Lansing MI is actually a sizable city in comparison to the continent of america. Just....small town means, like, Perry or smaller one would think. Or taht area.
Hilarious.
Seems to me that jealousy and insecurity like to hold hands. And even make out from time to time. Actually, if I meet someone who comes out as being jealous I start to wonder if we're compatible, even as friends.
I don't think I'm a jealous person at all - but I sure used to be. And I'm so much happier now.
All the freaky people make the beauty of the world.
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